So there's this girl....scared of commitment or not compatible?

[garibaldi1]

I like her. A lot.

I'm 20 and she's 17, almost 18 - we met on the internet about a year ago now and we live just over 2 hours from each other. When we first talked on the internet it was through a sexual forum thing because we were both quite inexperienced but we got chatting about other random stuff, keen to get to know each other and it kind of went from there, started to feel like something more. Of course it's hard to tell over a screen and at that point it was a bit of a no-go, we met up and it was fun, we clearly cared for each other, were in fact very infatuated for a while after meeting up a few times, but it was hard to see things going anywhere due to the fact we kept everything a bit isolated from the rest of our lives, it was a bit like our little secret rather than a real potential relationship.

 

Anyway it kind of fell back to friends but at some point we started talking a lot more again and eventually it's got to a point where I wanted to try things and I knew she did too so we met up early April i.e. about 2 and a half months ago with a view to see each other, leave things rather open and just see how things go, not much of a pressure situation basically. Not exclusive but serious about seeing how things develop. I've seen her about 4 or 5 times for long weekends since and things have progressed more and more, it's rather sexually charged too but we're definitely not in it for a casual fling situation and then just leave things. We're taking things slow and seeing if it leads to something more than 'seeing each other'.

 

However we're a bit lovey dovey for people just 'dating'. It feels like I'm kind of in love with being in love like I want it to go somewhere, yet I'm so unsure and it depresses me that I can't just be more decisive. I'm quite sure now she wants it to be a relationship but I'm unsure as to whether I'm scared of commitment or just keeping things going to have 'something' despite knowing there are things where I don't think we're that compatable.

 

She's so sweet and all the things like trust/sense of humour/intimacy/just a deep connection, it works. But theres this nagging feeling with me where I look at the negatives, probably because I'm a bit of a perfectionist and often see the grass as being greener somewhere else. It annoys me because I want a relationship but I'm scared of getting her close to me and then just not wanting it soon down the line because I feel like it was a mistake. You here this phrase 'settling' a lot - I don't like it because it's not like I'm better than her at all, we're just different but what I'm trying to say is that sometimes things don't quite 'click'.

 

Now that's the negative side, I mean we've only started seeing each other for a few months, plus it's long-distance and I think I'm the kind of character that is just always going to be critical. I care about her more than anything, I love her in fact, I can honestly say that but sort of in a deep 'soulmate'

 

But you have to see beyond that and think do I actually want to be with her. There's a couple of things that annoy me, her confidence and her communication, they are kind of interlinked. She's very independent but almost to the point where she doesn't let me in, she won't be on the phone or on skype pouring out what happened to her that day or even explaining mundane stuff, or if i say something, asking follow up questions etc. basically not much of a conversationist. She says she's interested in what I'm saying...I know that's true but it's kind of like she doesn't hold up her side of the conversation sometimes, almost as if she's bouncing off me but i'm not bouncing off her. That also stands if she has an issue with something, she'll kind of act as if things are fine and not tell me because she doesn't want to open up - very guarded. Whilst I need to accept she's not that talkative, partly because she just isn't (quite shy, hates attention) it seems like a confidence thing too. As if she wouldn't want to talk about certain things because I wouldn't be interested, I guess it's also a bit down to maturity as I'm a bit older and talk about a range of things.

 

It's not like I don't like her, it's just I want more of her if you get what I'm saying, for her to just break out of her shell...but that may take some time and maybe I'm just hoping for something she's not. Especially in a long-distance thing it is quite frustrating to talk to her, get a bit back and then have to almost force conversation because she'd rather I talk. It's not up to me to be like you need to change, because of course she doesn't for me, but at the samee time I kind of want her too and I feel a bit horrible about that. Not in a big way, a bit more of an enthusiastic confident version of her. Her weight is a slight issue as well, I must admit I am a little shallow and not proud of it but I think every man is to some extent. She often says I'm the better looking one blah de blah but she's so great that she doesn't judge on looks, only the person...and so then I feel terrible if she's with her cousin, who's very similar to her and I start to think her cousin is a little more confident (with how she struts plus talking) and also looks after her weight more.

 

There are so many great things about her, despite the fact i'd love her to be a little thinner of face and stomach, her facial features are amazing and her body is quite curvey, a bit chubby, with the potential to be very curvey.

 

That's the looks nagging over anyway, that's not a bit point, it's basically just an example of how I pick up on little thing and maybe look at other people and think how in to this girl am i? maybe it's just my mind playing tricks because i'm scared of hurting her, my mind seems to like to self-destruct.

 

The main point anyway is the personality things, on quite a few things we work, but theres a few holes, and i don't know if it just needs time or if i am kidding myself. Maybe theres no harm in giving it time but at the same time what if we're close for quite a few months and then i decide i don't want to be with her. My thinking is maybe cool it down on the lovey dovey stuff but still see each other often and just take it step by step, seeing if it naturally develops, but i don't want to waste her time i.e. see her for a while (including sexual stuff) and then not commit. Maybe the sexual stuff has to go too until we know where we're at in terms of the future.

 

It was actually her pushing sexual stuff because she said no matter how it ends up i'm special to her as a person and she wanted that intimacy with me. For a while I still held back but in the end noticed I couldn't just make these decisions for her i.e. oooh what if she regrets this and I knew I was comfortable trying things but of course that inevitably leaves you feeling closer. I want it to just be open...it pretty much is, yet at the same time leaving it open kind of suggests a FWB situation and she means more than that to me. Yet at the same time I'm not ready to commit, but see her as more than a friend - dating over a long-distance it takes time to work out whaat you feel and maybe my uncertainty means it's not a goer, maybe I'm just like this, I mean I never really go for things unless I'm sure.

 

Any advice basically would be welcome. I'm a little confused as you can probably tell! Her lack of confidence sometimes makes it seem like she's not a 'challenge' yet maybe it should feel comfortable. I just worry I like it because things are convenient i.e. i'm basically seeing her and leaving my options open (as is she) without committing. Should I be jumping at the chance to tie her down if I'm really in to her or is it natural to be unsure about things and like a slow burner rather than counting my lucky stars and absolutely set.