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In a confusing situation


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Hello all,


I wasn't sure if this was the right sub-forum to put this in, because it can go in Healing after breakup and dating as well. Basically I am still in contact with my ex, but have started dating another girl. At the beginning of May, I moved to OKC for my job and started dating. I was still hanging out with my ex and doing "dating" stuff with her, but she basically cannot commit to me again, at least right now. That in itself is a confusing situation, and I have many posts about her and trying to heal and move on. Anyway, almost the next day after I moved here, I met a girl through a dating website. We hit it off really well, and things progressed rather fast. Well, I wasn't over my ex, but she wanted me to start dating other people and whatnot. However, my ex and I had a cruise to go on that was planned with her and her family for months. She found out I was dating and got emotional about it....she's the type that will hold it in and not let the world know how she feels until something happens, then the facade of strength goes away. We talked about it, decided that I should still go with her and her family, and move forward. Well I did, and I fell completely back into her during the time with her. Just FYI, we have not gotten physical or affectionate for a few months now, and did not during the cruise either...not due to me, but always due to her.


After the cruise was done, my feelings were all over the place, and so I basically told this new girl what was up. She was disappointed, hurt, and angry....and basically I had to make a decision of whether I wanted to continue. To continue would mean not seeing my ex anymore. So after awhile, I decided to continue and see where it goes. I sent an email to my ex and told her how I felt about her, but basically she couldn't reciprocate any of the same feelings toward me, and so I didn't talk to her for this week and decided to move on. So during this past week I have been trying to move on and be able to give this girl a fair chance. In alot of ways, she is a better person. Its been difficult though because I still care for my ex and love her, and obviously don't have the same level of feelings for this new girl yet.


So last night I talked to my ex on the phone, and she was surprised to hear from me. She has a way of sorta manipulating my feelings for her, or rather making me feel bad for certain actions or statements that I make. My self-worth and self-esteem is really low because of her, but also I feel like I need her approval in her opinion of me. She doesn't know about this new girl, because I wanted her to be able to decide for herself her feelings toward me, and tell me what she thinks of me. Anyway, my ex said she liked how things were going with us, and can possibly see something for us in the future, though she doesn't want to and can't commit to me. On the flip side, this new girl is completely in love with me, even though I am not all there with her.


I just want to be with my ex really bad still, though to everybody it makes no sense. And this new girl has so many qualities that I want, and really shows me affection. Its just my feelings aren't there totally, and I really still cannot let go of my ex. Its just always been a huge fear for me, and when I don't talk to her I do get the lonely feeling.


I don't know what to do...and my heart is really being affected.

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You can like and want to be with your ex all you want to, but the fact still remains that she's admitted that she cannot make a committment to you. So to get back with her would be waste of your time. If I were you, I would stick things out with the new girl. She's in the middle of all of this and still been supportive when she could've just threw her hands up. To me that shows that she IS ready to make a committment to you. Most importantly, she wants to.

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I get the impression that your ex wants to have her cake and eat it too. I have known my fair share of manipulators you have no idea and if she is that kind then she is only looking for a REACTION from you...nothing else. People who care for you do not act that way, people who care for you don't make you feel guilty or "test" you in some way. People who care for you will challenge you, yes to help you IMPROVE your self esteem, but manipulators literally FEED off the reaction of self-hate and the low self worth it perpetuates. The last man I was involved with was a CHAMPION at manipulating, but because I thought I was in love with him, he always had the upper hand even though I could see through his every move. I am not completely over him, but he is no longer in my life.....it's not a healthy way to live. And some if not most people will put up with this kind of treatment just so they don't have to be alone anymore.

You want to someone who is real with you and with whom you can be yourself. The new girl sounds like she could be someone like that.

In my experience there is no point in analyzing everything, you can let go of your ex, trust me, you can!!!! If someone is making you feel bad about yourself, whether they are a friend or more than that why would you continue to spend time with them? Try to spend more time with the new girl in your life (you are so fortunate to have found someone else that could end up loving you and caring for you) spend time with people that make you feel good about yourself. I also think the fair thing to do is to let the new girl know where you stand...you may need more time to heal and take things slow in the new relationship just until you get into a better frame of mind and feel more open to loving someone else. Time heals all wounds.......

Good Luck,


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  • 1 year later...

Well I wanted to update everybody on my situation. I stuck around with the new girl, and recently married her. Ever since last year, we have spent all our time together, and it has been pretty amazing. The thoughts of my ex faded over time after not talking to her. Coincidentally, the moment I told her that I was dating this new girl (my wife), I haven't heard from her since, and that was beginning of August last year. Funny how the moment I moved on and let her know, she quickly disappeared. The same wasn't ever true for me however. It was very difficult for me in the beginning however, but once I made the choice to move on from my past and give my now wife the chance she deserved, it was night and day difference how I was treated in comparing the relationships. I can say I am very happy now, and very glad I made the choice to move forward.


I do sometimes think about her still, but mostly its just in passing thought. I have never wanted to contact her since, and never will again, but its just the wondering aspect that steers my thoughts toward that whole past situation. Having reflected on it all, its clear to me that she was well over me, did not want to spark anything up with us again, and was only using me as someone to take up her time so she wasn't bored.

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