Mr_LFA Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Hi All, I’ve been dating this girl since last October/November and only decided to become more serious when she was about to leave in March this year. She moved away to another state due to work and also wanting to experience something different as she is only 24. Initially it was only supposed to be for 2-3 months max and so I agreed to try and make it work with her in a LDR since I thought it was only for a short time. I have never really been a big fan of LDRs as I have been through a failed one in the past. I have been to visit her once during this time and she has visited me once also. She told me she has had depression and suicidal tenancies in the past from dealing with issues with her father passing away when she was in final year high school and from being bullied. Honestly, It’s been a tough few months and I am having problems dealing with this LDR due to trust issues on both sides and the need to give her constant communication on the phone. I just feel like I can’t fulfil her expectations sometimes as she likes me to spend hours on the phone at night to her and even when I’m tired I still feel like she wants me to stay up otherwise she saysI don’t want to talk to her. She has sometimes said some nasty/hurtful stuff to me late at night if I haven’t called her by a certain time or told her in advance if I was going to be busy that night then in the morning she will apologise for it. She blamed this behaviour on a caffeine addiction she was withdrawing from. Now she has told me her employment is indefinite but she says she still wants to be with me, so the last month or so I have been trying to help her get a job back where I live as that was her main reason she told me for moving away that she couldn’t find suitable employment. There have been a few offers since she has moved but she says she is in hurry to come back as she says she is happy where she is and in a LDR with me even though I have told her I’m not happy anymore. I don’t want her to move back just for me though as I would feel like I’m being selfish for wanting that considering she says she is happy where she is now. She wants me to visit on a regular basis but she is 2000 km away and I work full time and don’t have the time to do so often. I feel like this LDR has been putting me under a lot of stress and she makes me feel guilty for not contacting her in any spare time I have but sometimes I just want to have time to myself with my own hobbies/friends etc. I don’t know what to do anymore and sometimes I feel like this isn’t even worth it. I care about her and we get along well in person but this LDR isn’t really doing it for me anymore as I don’t know when there is a definite end where we will be together in person. Any thoughts/ideas? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 This doesn't sound healthy at all. I'm in an LDR of over 4,000 miles and a time difference - if my fiance is tired I have no problem with him going to bed and us not talking for the day. I'm always going to want to talk to him but him being rested and healthy are a priority for me. What kind of trust issues are there? Has she been cheated on before? Idk... it just sounds off. I would move to be closer to my fiance in a SECOND and while yes, she shouldn't move back just for you, she seems content with the distance which is a huge red flag to me. SOME people prefer to be in a LDR because there is a fantasy aspect to it, you are there but you aren't but for the majority of us we loath that part of it. IMO she likes it and if it's causing you stress, you need to get out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr_LFA Posted June 19, 2011 Author Share Posted June 19, 2011 It doesn't feel healthy either. The trust issues I think are because of me in January going overseas on a holiday and sleeping with someone I met. Even though this was early on before we were serious/exclusive I told her what happened and that I regretted it and shouldn't have drank that much. I'm not sure if she has been cheated on in any of her previous relationships but she said she was with abusive people before. She lives with two guys and they have been known to try and hit on her and this is also causing some of this stress. I have also found out she has been active on a dating site which I questioned her about and she said its because she was bored and wanted someone to talk to?? She says she doesn't mind being in a LDR because being physically there with me is only a part of a relationship and I'd get to know her better while shes away which I disagree with her on. I'm also being impatient and selfish according to her as she said if I really cared about her I'd wait till she came back (don't know when) and make an effort to travel back and forth to see her frequently which makes me feel like I'm under a lot of pressure. Don't know how to get out of this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Yeah, there are SO many red flags in this relationship. My fiance has lived with women (he lives in a shared house and has no control over who his roommates are) but I trust him and honestly, if she doesn't seem so willing to end the distance it kind of seems like she's getting her cake and eating it - she very well could have something giong on with her roommates but wanting the security of a relationship from you - Idk. The dating site thing is a HUGE red flag IMO. You are never active 'just because you are bored' and want someone to talk to - isn't that what you are for? While I agree that being physcially with someone is only part of a relationship - and LDRs can enhance the emotional aspect of it - it's still very odd to me for someone to WANT to stay in one. I"m sorry but to me, it sounds like she's leading you on. As far as waiting... LDRs have to have an end date. The whole 'just wait on me thing' will not work and if you aren't comfortable with it, you should leave. Frequency of visiting - why can't she visit you? That's a lot to ask. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr_LFA Posted June 19, 2011 Author Share Posted June 19, 2011 All her family live in my city so she's coming back at the end of July to see them, so I don't know why there is pressure on me to visit her. When she first moved away she told me she ended up at some random guys house for the night that she met at a bar, because she locked her keys in her house and couldnt get in?? she did swear nothing happened but I have my doubts/suspicions - she said she wouldn't have told me if something did happen... I did question her on the whole dating site thing because I was upset and asked her why she didn't call me and she said something like "oh you wouldn't want to talk to me anyway, you're always too busy"! then I asked her if she wanted something from the dating site and she said "why would I bother, I could get it from my housemates if I really wanted to". She says she likes her freedom where she is as she doesn't get along with her mum and sister at home. She doesn't have many friends at home so she has also joined a mormon group up there so that might have something to do with it?? Why do I feel like I'm the bad person in this relationship... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Yeah, I very, very, very rarely just say to end the relationshiop but there are so many red flags it isn't even funnny. Leave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piruru Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 I'm always going to want to talk to him but him being rested and healthy are a priority for me. Agreed. You have to give each other some space to live their lives. Being resentful about it is not helping. I don't think your gf really understands what it takes to be in an LDR. but for the majority of us we loath that part of it. For real. Being in a LDR is cool for about 10 minutes, and then it gets old pretty quickly. It sucks. There are just so many reasons NOT to do it that if you don't have a solid foundation and idea of where you're headed together, it just will not work. If she prefers an LDR, then something is very wrong here. All her family live in my city so she's coming back at the end of July to see them, so I don't know why there is pressure on me to visit her. When she first moved away she told me she ended up at some random guys house for the night that she met at a bar, because she locked her keys in her house and couldnt get in?? she did swear nothing happened but I have my doubts/suspicions - she said she wouldn't have told me if something did happen... I did question her on the whole dating site thing because I was upset and asked her why she didn't call me and she said something like "oh you wouldn't want to talk to me anyway, you're always too busy"! then I asked her if she wanted something from the dating site and she said "why would I bother, I could get it from my housemates if I really wanted to". This sounds reaaaaallllyyy suspicious, imo. If she really cares, she would make every effort not to even give you the chance to mistrust her, let alone spending a night at some random guy's house!!! What the. And joining a dating site??? And then deflecting to you and making it seem like your fault when you question her about it?!?! Not good. I know that with my boyfriend, I go out of my way to do things in a way so that he will not have any reason to mistrust me. Why? Because I value my relationship with my boyfriend more than anything else, and I would not want to risk jeopardising that. At least, not until we can be together again and then I can do things however I want. I am never resentful of why he's not around. It's especially important in an LDR because it is so damn easy to mess things up and misunderstand one another. But most of all, I really do not understand why she is making the LDR harder than it possibly can be. If my boyfriend was so much as in the same country as me, I would do whatever I could to visit him as often as I could. I would move up there if need be. You shouldn't be the only one making sacrifices to visit her. It should be 50/50. I think the not getting along with her mum and sister thing is just an excuse to be honest. She sounds like she's taking her cake and eating it too. She wants you on call 24/7, but she's not prepared to "give up her freedom" for you. Pfft. She's probably already on the prowl for a new man and is just keeping you there for the security. No one in their right mind would want to prolong an LDR longer than absolutely necessary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr_LFA Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 Thanks for the comments. Update to this: I don't why I'm still in this but I am. We are now having arguments frequently over the phone as I've tried to help her get out of this mormon group, which she is now heavily involved her life in at the moment, but I don't know why I care anymore. She says she's happy where she is with these people and also she says she likes the money she is earning from her job there and doesn't want to move back just yet because she doesn't know if it will be the same money here. What is really making it hard and messing with my head is she always tells me she loves me but I don't really feel the same way. She keeps telling me I have to be patient and understanding but I just don't have it in me anymore. I care about her and want her to be happy, but not in so much the romantic sense. Her telling me this is really making it hard for me to let it go right now...but I know I should. It's been 3 months now and I feel drained but she told me that "I feel like I've just got here". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Just walk away. Really. She has a right to be happy there but does not have a right to hold you in a relationship that you are not happy in. If she ever moves back fine, give it another go but you do not deserve to be waiting around on her when you clearly don't want to be and she's in no hurry to come back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr_LFA Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 So you wont believe this but I'm somehow STILL involved in this LDR. I think its because I am currently living in the hope (dream) that she'll come back soon and be in a 'normal' relationship with me, but I know that wont happen any time soon. I feel like a sucker when she says she needs my support etc and I care about her because she has had health issues and depression. I've done everything I can to help her out to find a job back in my city, and last weekend she had a couple of job interviews down here too but didn't seem that keen afterwards. However, she seems to not want to give up what she is doing at the moment which is working 7 days a week and its obvious to me that the money factor is keeping her there. I don't know why I'm still continuing with this LDR even though we are having arguments and fights over the phone quite regularly. I've told her many times that I'm finding this increasingly hard and she just says that its my fault its hard because I'm not contacting her enough. So even if I don't call her one night, she'll absolutely let me know about it the next day. Also on top of this her housemate has been acting creepy towards her and its worried her enough to tell others and they've told her to move out (as have I) and she still seems hesitant to - I don't understand. Just today I get a message from her basically telling me to fly up there this weekend. She was down here last weekend and never mentioned a word of it and I just replied saying that I can't due to the late notice (flights etc.) and the fact that I've already made plans with an old friend. I immediately get a message from her saying "stuff them". Why should I drop everything because she feels like seeing me this weekend without giving much notice? So I call her tonight and ask her how she's going and she sounds very distant and cold towards me. She was answering with one word answers and didn't seem like she wanted to talk until she asked me about this weekend and I said I can't and then started to get angry calling me a cheapskate etc. I told her if she gave me more notice I could have arranged something but like I said earlier I made plans to see a friend but she didn't care and expected that I fly up there and see her. I said sorry I can't and then she told me to go "F-- myself"! ...Am I being unreasonable?? I think this is it, I don't know if I can take any more. It's been 7 months already I can't believe it I feel really stuck right now and feel I can't leave cause I don't want to lose out on the time I've invested in this, I know that's stupid though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jakdax Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 lad your whats holding urself in this. get out if ur not already Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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