michelle21689 Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 I've been seeing someone for 4 months now and he's such an awesome person. Everything good on paper and makes me feel happy...but once in a while I get this nagging doubt about us because he isn't a good conversationalist sometimes. Sometimes we get in a pretty good conversation but a lot of the times he is awkward with conversation it's hard to explain. It frustrates me on what to do because everything I get a nagging doubt he does something to make it go away and I'm happy for awhile...and then whenever we have a conversation that sucks I get the nag again. It's like a repeated cycle, I don't know if it's just normal? It's like doubt, sure, doubt, sure...lol. But sometimes when I'm with him things are so fun! I'll try to explain how he converses. He doesn't talk a lot about his viewpoints and opinions, I have to try to help him out by asking questions which makes it hard for conversation to flow. I use to think it was just US but then I realized that it's him over time...and plus a lot of people tell me I'm an easy person to talk to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
He2Him Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 You can work on it with him, or you can leave it be. The choice is yours. It's really up to you and what you want in life, there goes your priorities, which, as it seems, you're unsure of. So I suggest you take a step back and try to look at the big picture of life, and stop being caught in the detail of your relationship, because it makes you think not clearly enough, causing you to exaggerate. So first, figure out what YOU want. The go for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whysoalone Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Some people aren't big speakers. A lot of people will develop it and open up over time, but it's probably not a reason to leave someone. I mean, communication is key to a working relationship, but he might be afraid to open up. I'd give it time if it's the only flaw to see if he opens up. Best of luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clio Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 I will only say that it's very difficult for people to change. If you have trouble accepting him as he is then maybe you should move on now that it is still early. Usually the first months in a relationship are the 'honeymoon period' where you 'love' everything about the other person. Having 'nagging doubts' this early on is not a good sign in my books... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
He2Him Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 it's very difficult for people to change. Not true. With a proper guidance, everyone can become completely different person learning qualities on the other side of spectrum of those he used to have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Not true. With a proper guidance, everyone can become completely different person learning qualities on the other side of spectrum of those he used to have. Yes, but a partner is not a project...you are supposed to enjoy being with your partner and the changes come naturally over time. It shouldn't be like a teacher/student relationship. OP some people are not as adept with conversation...this is who he is. You can't change him to make him who you want him to be. If you are uncomfortable with this aspect of him to the point where you are questioning the relationship, then perhaps this is not the right match for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ascending Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Opinions on what subject? Sometimes it's hard to form a good opinion or have a view on... politics or world issues. At the same time, opening up your mouth and talking about something you know nothing about is worst than saying nothing at all. Though just because he may not talk very much doesn't mean he's incompetent or anything like that. Also, just cause people tell you you're easy to talk to does not necessarily mean nothing's wrong with you either, that would be kinda cocky if you ask me. Besides that, everyone has opinions and view points, it's a matter of if it would offend someone else or not or if it's politically correct, he might be trying to be polite, or other times (and this goes for a lot of guys) we're plain uninterested about whatever the subject may be we're discussing. What I'm trying to say is just try and see things from his perspective (I'm aware of the irony) there's probably a valid underlying reason why he's like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 As your someone who finds it easy to talk to people, I can see how you'd be frustrated being with someone who isn't. Only you can decide whether this is something that is a deal-breaker in the long term, but remember, that if he's perfect except for this one thing, then he isn't perfect. That said, if this is something that you can live with and is only a small thing, maybe you can get over it. If it's something you see becoming more of an issue as you get closer, then it'll be easier to end things now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JewelCat Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 I agree with this completely. What's he like when he talks about his hobbies or other interests? If he can't keep those conversations going, THEN I'd be concerned, but from what you've described OP, it sounds more like you may be asking his opinion on subjects he just has little interest in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michelle21689 Posted June 18, 2011 Author Share Posted June 18, 2011 Okay, opinions on what he thinks happens after death...we have similar beliefs same background (buddhism and all) but he doesn't know how to elaborate. He just basically said he thinks heaven is a happy place with family and that's it. I tried to get him to get in to detail but he didn't know how. Something like that. We talk easily about interests we have in common such as travel, trying new things, and his interests which are cars. It's easier to talk about something but I want to talk about his ideas...I want to know his perspective on things lol. Or I'll ask him, "So what language would you like to learn if you could?" He'll just say something vague like, "Hmm...I don't know." He says "I don't know...damn it I have to stop sayin I don't know." lol when I ask his opinion on things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Then maybe the problem is deeper than his communication skills. It sounds like you want someone who thinks more about stuff and will caht about it than he does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 everyone has their own prerequisites and preferences when it comes to choosing a partner. However, considering turning someone down because they can't tell you what language they would learn if they could? How is the relationship otherwise? Is he supportive, do you have similar ideas about your future together etc? - Those are the things I would worry about. If you want to have philosophical debates, you don't necessarily have to do that with a partner. You can join a debate club, read philosophical books etc. It doesn't have to mean that you are not compatible just because he doesn't like to think about the same things as you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stay_home Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Nobody's perfect and depends on what exactly the flaw is. I don't see why you should end the relationship over something like this. Everybody has an opinion about something, but not everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
He2Him Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Then maybe the problem is deeper than his communication skills. It sounds like you want someone who thinks more about stuff and will caht about it than he does. Indecisiveness, maybe fear of of responsibility or being unsure to stand his own ground/form his opinions. Afraid of getting to know new things, stepping out of his comfort zone. There's a ton of reason and a lot of insecurities his inability to form opinions might stem from. But it's always deeper issue than just not being able to communicate properly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Some people are very opinionated and some people are mellow. Some people are leaders and some followers by nature. It sounds like he's a really laid back 'go along' kind of guy who goes with the flow and may not do a lot of self analysis but instead just kind of accept whatever rolls his way without too much questioning or thought. Some people also have an insatiable curiosity about life and needs lots of stimulation and interaction and conversation with others to be happy. Perhaps you are one of those people. So it sounds like you're more the leader type, and he's a follower who doesn't question or examine things so much. That can work really well if you are happy to lead and accept that he is not the type to really question/examine life a lot and challenge himself or the world, but will be perfectly happy to ride your coattails wherever you want to go. Or it could be the kiss of death if you get bored and start to see him as a stone tied around your neck dragging you down and not interacting/stimulating you in ways that are important to you, or you get really impatient with his lack of initiative or lack of self examination. So i'd give it a bit more time. If you find yourself getting impatient with him or really bored, that it probably won't work out. But if you have enough initiative/energy to forge ahead with your life and he is content to go along for the ride as a companion but not a leader, then you might want to stay with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piruru Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 How is your communication with him in general? If he has trouble getting his ideas out, or interpreting what you're trying to say, then you could run into some serious problems. How are you going to work through the big problems together? That would require good communication. In that sense, it is a form of incompatibility. He may not have communication problems exactly, but your communication styles don't go together very well. He could do with someone who understands him better, and likewise you could be better off with someone who communicates like you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lukeb Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Conversation is an art, like any art it takes practice. Certainly he can change, but change isn't going to come quickly. If this is a deal breaker for you right now then it is a deal breaker. I do think though that your partner doesn't have to be your everything, you can fill in the gaps with your friends, and have at length conversations with them. Men and women might be equal, but they each tend to have their strengths. More often than not conversation is something women excel at more so than men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wayfara Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 I've been seeing someone for 4 months now and he's such an awesome person. Everything good on paper and makes me feel happy...but once in a while I get this nagging doubt about us because he isn't a good conversationalist sometimes. Sometimes we get in a pretty good conversation but a lot of the times he is awkward with conversation it's hard to explain. It frustrates me on what to do because everything I get a nagging doubt he does something to make it go away and I'm happy for awhile...and then whenever we have a conversation that sucks I get the nag again. It's like a repeated cycle, I don't know if it's just normal? It's like doubt, sure, doubt, sure...lol. I hear you. I think it depends on how important it is to you to have meaningful conversations with your partner. For some people it's not that important as long everything else is fine, and some can fill the gap with other people. For me that wouldn't work. I don't expect my partner to be some kind of a philosopher but I connect with people through talking and without stimulating conversations I would get bored and there would be no spark. He may very well be good on paper but in the end it's you who is going to live with him if you stay with him and only you know if you can be happy with him. Of course no one is perfect so when you find a good conversionalist he will have some kind of other flaw, but it's important to choose a partner with flaws we can live with. I know some people who put up with cheating because the man isn't abusive or are with someone who makes them unhappy because the partner is so nice so they feel they "should" be happy with them, when they really aren't. Don't think about shoulds but what you want. Some people can change but don't count on it, I have friend who married someone she couldn't talk to, he hasn't changed and she's still unhappy about that aspect. They have been fairly happy together but I think if she could do it over she wouldn't have married him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Great advice. I think you've posted about this issue before. I would frame it differently - it's not about "only one flaw" -it depends on what the "flaw" is (and while it is a flaw to you I am sure there are women who would find it neutral or maybe even a plus -they don't care for "conversationalists". For me, I wouldn't have gotten past the third or fourth date unless we had flowing, comfortable, interesting enough conversation. But that's just me -it's an individual, personal choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldenoughtoknow Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 It's only been 4 months, right? He's a guy, and we're notorious for thinking about women and cars and bars and sports and maybe work and a few other things, but you get the gist. Now, he's in a relationship and his SO is asking him what he thinks heaven looks like and what language he might like to learn someday. Uh, what? Part of the basis of our attraction is what a man and woman each bring to the table. The yin and yang. We each grow and stretch as the other draws. Give the guy a chance. I guarantee your conversation starters are shifting his thought patterns. But 4 months isn't a lot of time to explore your existential side. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cadence44 Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 I agree that people are who they are. It sounds like he's more introverted and you're extroverted. Not sharing his views fully doesn't mean that he's not smart or doesn't think of things as deeply as you, he just might not be the type to share. Or he could have a different outlook from you in that he focuses on other things in life. Religion and politics are often not good conversation topics since they are very personal to most people. Based on your description of your fluctuating frustration, I do wonder if you might be giving off signals that you're judging him. That would certainly make me hesitant to share very much with someone. I also wouldn't like someone pressing me for answers as if I were taking some sort of exam. Maybe try to be a bit more open to him and control your frustration. Think of the positives that he possesses, and if it still isn't working for then it's probably time to break up. You can find someone more suited to you and he can find someone who loves every aspect of him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wayfara Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 I don't agree it's a man/woman or introvert/extrovert thing. I've had those conversations with introverted males as I have had with extroverted females. I'm pretty social but there some people I'm not comfortable sharing my views with but it would be a deal breaker if I didn't feel comfortable with my partner that way. If cars and women is the stereotypical male thing to think about then gossip and shopping would be the stereotypical female thing to think about, I don't believe women philosophize any more than men, it's genderless. Many are not into it but I think it has more to do with personality than any other thing. Some people couldn't care less about politics, philosophy, religion or sharing their views with their partner, they burn for other things, but to some people these things are very important. I don't think four months is too soon to know if you click talking. Maybe he'll grow more talkative or maybe not, but I wouldn't recommend to have any hopes about it, accept him as he is and choose if you can live with as he is now. To me not being able to have interesting conversations with someone would be a huge thing that couldn't be ignored, maybe it's not as important for you, only you know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NightLily Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 It's only been 4 months, right? He's a guy, and we're notorious for thinking about women and cars and bars and sports and maybe work and a few other things, but you get the gist. Now, he's in a relationship and his SO is asking him what he thinks heaven looks like and what language he might like to learn someday. Uh, what? Part of the basis of our attraction is what a man and woman each bring to the table. The yin and yang. We each grow and stretch as the other draws. Give the guy a chance. I guarantee your conversation starters are shifting his thought patterns. But 4 months isn't a lot of time to explore your existential side. This is pretty insulting to men. Not all guys roled out of Family Guy and are bumps on a log. Plenty think about deeper issues as much as some women do. Plenty are also great conversationalists (witty, charming, knowledgeable). Just because you are middle aged and still a certain way doesn't mean you can speak for all men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michelle21689 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Hm..well everything else like I said is good. He is supportive, makes me feel special, we think a lot alike, we have the same values, we are compatible...I would be happy if we had deeper converesations once in a while. It doesn't have to happen all the time but if I knew he was capable then I would be happy. Whenever I'm with him I like being with him but when I'm apart form him I tend to analyze it more and worry. I haven't seen him in 3 weeks because I'm visiting Asia but we've been keeping in touch on a consistent basis. We can get into flowing conversation sometimes but I mean it's just not deep enough for me. Heart to heart open talk of his mind and opinions just flowing. I do agree with others I don't think it's a gender thing. Haha I mean there's tons of guys that I can talk to but they don't have all the attributes he has. Usually in the mornings when we wake up next to each other (we haven't had sex yet) we talk for a couple hours about random things. It's always easiest for some reason... there's something calm and relaxing just waking up next to that person. Of course it doesn't happen often because we don't have our own place hahahah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caseh Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I'll try to explain how he converses. He doesn't talk a lot about his viewpoints and opinions, I have to try to help him out by asking questions which makes it hard for conversation to flow. I use to think it was just US but then I realized that it's him over time...and plus a lot of people tell me I'm an easy person to talk to. Haha wow i've just come out of a relationship with what sounds like the same problem! When I first met this girl the banter and conversation were AMAZING! As I got to know her though it was like she would never put accross her opinion, never defend any of her beliefs and in general just agreed to everything. I would find myself put my opinion accross, not get anything back then have to ask for some input... Once we broke up I had a look into a few things, psychology topics and such. The closest thing I could pin it down to were some low self-esteem traits. Avoiding conflict and a basic inability to say no. She was such a nice girl and she was pretty intelligent but just hated the idea of arguing. Even if it wasn't an argument and just a debate about beliefs she would withdraw from the conversation altogether. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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