cherryberry123 Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 I've noticed the past few months, I've just been feeling blue. It's not even about the breakup anymore, but just life in general. The breakup triggered this sadness inside of me. I was so motivated earlier on... eating well and working out, doing better in school. Now, I just feel like I'm dragging myself day by day...so groggy (is that the term?). I haven't spoken to my ex since March, and I don't pin over him anymore. The breakup was so long ago. Things I noticed: -I wake up later than I used to -I try to push myself to work out every morning, but I keep failing...ie.sleeping in constantly -I just have no motivation to do anything. I rather sit at home. I can't concentrate much to study -There's this negative feeling I constantly feel everyday...like there's a small black cloud over my head. Feeling down all the time. It doesn't help my parents are constantly commenting on my weight. I've gained weight and everyday they comment on how ugly it is to be fat. My mom always talks about how I look like I have such a short neck, and how ugly it is. I've gotten chubby, but I have no motivation to change it...I don't know why, this isn't me. -I am such a sloppy dresser, but I don't shop because of my current weight. Nothing will look right on me. One of my friends tell me I dress like a slob constantly and shes encouraging me to buy new clothes. -The thing that is constantly bothering me is this guilt. There's this friend who cut contact with me couple years ago, and it was around the same time I met my ex. I remember telling him the situation.I remember my ex agreeing with me and saying, "That's ridiculous she would stop talking to you because of that. It's her fault. That's her loss" And now when I think back, he also ended up cutting contact with me. He left my life. I constantly think to myself, "Something is wrong with me. I must be so horrible that even he decided I am not worth keeping around.". Losing two people in my life somewhat validated that I am not worthy of anything. I am not a good person. I feel broken, and I don't know how to pick up the pieces. I won't be able to meet a new man like this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherryberry123 Posted June 18, 2011 Author Share Posted June 18, 2011 I just graduated...I did not attend my graduation ceremony. Again, lack of motivation and feeling blue. I won't look nice in a dress...i felt too fat to even go to the ceremony to be honest. I didn't want to be seen, and pics of me taken. I just want to isolate myself from my friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live-N-Learn Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Hey Cherry, I have followed your story for a long time and I can relate to some of how you are feeling. It is really hard to find the motiivation to help ourselves when we feel bad about ourselves. It really saddens me to hear that your parents do not support you or try to encourage you. They should accept you as you are. I know I do. Hang in there my friend. It won't always be like this. I believe there will come a time when you just can't live like this anymore and you will do something about it. I too sleep more now than I ever have and feel like I have no energy to put towards changing my life for the better. The only energy I have had since my breakup is to go out partying. That is not serving me well at all. Now I hope I have finally had enough and am going to try to force myself to make some changes. You too may have to force yourself to do things that make you feel better. I remember someone told me once that feelings follow actions. So if we wait to feel it, we may never do it. I am rooting for you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetkisses22 Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 I thin k you are showing some signs of depression. Motivation for you should be not wanting your ex or anyone else to see how much the breakup has affected you. If you run into your ex or friends they're going to see you and think wow this guy really did a number on you or damn I must have hurt her so bad she looks awful. You don't want that. if anything you want them to see you doing good and looking your best, not to get them back bit to get your self worth back. Cause trust me if you ever run into him again and your looking your best he's going to be impressed and you can just turn your back on him.. trust me feels good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherryberry123 Posted June 18, 2011 Author Share Posted June 18, 2011 It's not even my ex anymore... I ran into this guy who cut contact with me 4 years ago. We ran into eachother, and it was awkward. He broke contact because I got clingy even though we weren't dating. He probably thinks I'm some psycho. *SIGH... All the things I regret... I would love to feel beautiful again, and I'm far from that...I wear sweat pants every day and ugly tshirts, and running shoes. I look like I came from the gym constantly... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thusspokemara Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 I've been helping a friend I've known for the past year and a half with similar issues, on and off, for a few months. I don't know how long you were with your ex-mate, but when a relationship ends it can trigger a depressive episode or progress further to a clinical diagnosis, especially in individuals that are predisposed. It's somewhat common sense, but when something of central focus/solidity ends your tendency for apathy increases. In the case of my friend, she has a history of childhood abuse (sexual), a mother that indirectly ensures she knows of her disappointment in her daughter's weight and an enabling father. Are you sure your disgust/judgment regarding your appearance and weight isn't greatly influenced by your depression? Is there a measurably large difference in weight since your relationship ended? You're projecting your internal state via your (perceived) appearance. If you're intending on losing weight, do it because it's a component of your progress from where you currently are, not for the pleasure of others. Don't be concerned with the opinions of individuals that you haven't interacted with for years; they know nothing of your situation. Look for a therapist that offers a comfortable, introductory meeting to see if they'll be able to assist in developing a plan with you, along with weighing the options of taking an AD. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherryberry123 Posted June 18, 2011 Author Share Posted June 18, 2011 Just reading these comments are making me cry, I don't even know why. I feel so broken. I feel so lost. I fear what my mom will say. She is going to think I am mental and weak, she is a strong woman. What is wrong with me?! Why can't I cheer up?! i feel hopeless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanyru Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Hey Cherry, Breaking up is never easy. I went through a mild depression myself after breaking up with my last ex-girlfriend. There were times at night when I'd be driving at home from the hospital at night thinking, "what's the point?" First off, I think you should accept the fact that what you are feeling is normal. Second, there's nothing wrong with you. As a clinical nurse, I will say you are exhibiting signs of depression and you should see a therapist. I know it sounds cliche, but it is true, there is hope. You are beautiful, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. But I have to ask you this question, "Have you thought of hurting yourself?" Please, if you have see a therapist. For now start off with little things. If you can't get up and motivated, start with something as small as cleaning up your room. Make yourself (a healthy) dinner. Watch a movie. Go for a walk. Ride a bike. Don't try to do too much all at once. Try and make a goal every week to accomplish something, and when you do accomplish it, reward yourself in some way. Take it one step at a time. I promise you that if I can do it, you can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livelife987 Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Hiya Cherry, You are thinking about it. That is a good thing. May I just say that you should be careful as to how you think of things. You limit yourself so much by your words and thoughts. Saying things like "I can't" or "I just don't feel like it" (those are just examples) can hold you back more then you can ever realize. Before you said something about how you aren't acting like yourself anymore.. May I suggest that you do some meditation. It is kind of hard to get the hang of. And until you get the hang of it, you wont necessarily feel the help it gives you. The way i learned to meditate is by focusing on one thing and one thing only. It could be on what you hear, see, feel, or smell. (I focus on my breathing) If you can get regular on meditating (that might help you learn a little self discipline as well) then you can look past the thoughts that you always have on your mind. As in just the everyday little things that don't matter. Once you don't have those in the way you are open up to a whole new world of thoughts that before you didn't even know existed in your head. You can learn why you feel and act the way you do. You might be able to find the motivation to change what you don't like about yourself. You have the power to change what you don't like. You just have to know how to find it. Let me just tie this all in with an example.... I hated myself for years. When I was 14 I weighed 260 lbs. I was desperate to fit in with anyone I could. So I started drinking because my friends were doing it. One night i drank so much that i almost died... The next week I was so shocked and depressed that I didn't hardly left my room or even bothered to turn the light on. But in that time, I meditated. I learned that there is so much beauty and wonder in the world that I shouldn't take it for granted. I lost 100 lbs within that year. I am 16 now and I've never been happier. You can learn so much about yourself by just taking some time to REALLY think. Also, things will get better. Somehow they always do. I really hope you give this a shot and I hope it helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cadence44 Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 It's not even my ex anymore... I ran into this guy who cut contact with me 4 years ago. We ran into eachother, and it was awkward. He broke contact because I got clingy even though we weren't dating. He probably thinks I'm some psycho. *SIGH... All the things I regret... I would love to feel beautiful again, and I'm far from that...I wear sweat pants every day and ugly tshirts, and running shoes. I look like I came from the gym constantly... Hey Cherry, I'm glad to see that you have enough perspective to know that your current struggles aren't about your ex. Don't worry about the guy you ran into - it's been 4 years! I doubt he thinks you're a psycho. If you dwell on it just remember that other people don't think about us nearly as much as we think about ourselves, so don't worry about it. You recognize where you went wrong and can apply those lessons to any relationships you have in the future. I also think that you sound like you've sunk into a depression. Are you in counseling at all? Does your school offer it? You need someone to talk to outside of your friends and family who can objectively tell you whether you need some help to get out of your current state. I don't like that you're thinking about the judgments your mom would make. From some of the things that you've said about her, she doesn't sound very supportive. Is there any way that you can move out on your own or with a roommate? You need to find out who you are separate from your family and start your adult life. Keep in mind that your mom does love you, but she has a different style of communication. She probably thinks she's being helpful by criticizing you because she thinks it will motivate you. Have you ever told her (in a calm conversation, not mid-argument) how much that brings you down? Tell her that you feel most motivated if you hear supportive language instead of her criticism. Don't blame her, just tell her what you need from her. I do think that you'd be able to figure out who you are and what you want out of life if you could move out. It can be a fresh start for you and you can leave behind the person who is stuck in bad habits and insecurity because that isn't who you really are. You're currently stuck, and you need some external changes to help you move on to be the positive and confident person that is currently being stifled. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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