No friends, relationships, interests, PURPOSE

[HiTech]

I've been battling depression my adult life (i'm almost 29 now)

 

I've never had a friend, never been in a relationship (I tried for a while but not a single woman I asked would even let me take them out for coffee, well over 100 women were asked).

 

I'm not fat, ugly, stupid, or annoying. Yet not a single person wants anything to do with me. I have no idea how to meet people either, and the efforts I have made, like I said have resulted in rejection EVERY TIME. Not once in my life has ANYONE ever wanted anything to do with me, needless to say I have no self-confidence whatsoever.

 

The ONLY people who have ever pretended to care are my Doctors, and all they care about is if i'm going to 'hurt myself' or not, and what drugs will make me feel better (which I am grateful for as some medications have helped greatly in taking off the SEARING pain of loneliness/depression/complete lack of self worth).

 

All I can do now is sleep all day and all night, at no point of being conscious do I know of anything to do, have no one ever to talk to, and have just been getting progressively less interested in anything at all.

 

I have NO IDEA what to do anymore, someone PLEASE give me SOME REASON TO LIVE (other then to avoid the pain it would cause to my parents and sisters if they saw me die, and no none of them want anything to do with me either, in a social capacity that is).

[ofpossibleuse]

You have someone to talk to - me, if you want. I'd love to give you a whole list of reasons to live, if I know even a little about you - other than you are really lonely and depressed. I know the feeling. Truth is, sometimes I don't mind it that much. Other times I hate it. I'm older than you are and I have zero friends in the town where I live. Zero, not an exaggeration. I'm not sure why. I don't have the kind of self-loathing you do, at least I don't think so, though there's plenty of things I don't like about myself. There are also things I do like. Anyway - if you'd like to talk, I'm a good listener. I'm also a good question-asker. I tend to be pretty straightforward. I do get a lot of what you're describing, and that's why I'm writing. Maybe the only "reason to live" that means anything ultimately is that sometimes, rarely for some of us, we connect with another person who "gets" even a tiny sliver of what we feel. That can make all the difference.

 

p.s. I'm new to this board and not sure of a way to send a private reply or otherwise pass along an email address, maybe that's not allowed. Thread reply it is!

[Stand Strong]

Trust me, your not alone. A lot people in the world are bored, lonely, and sexually frustrated. They just don't admit to it-

 

 

I've never had a friend, never been in a relationship (I tried for a while but not a single woman I asked would even let me take them out for coffee, well over 100 women were asked).

 

I can relate. I've had people I thought were my friends who only used me for the attention I gave them when no one else was around. I've never been in a relationship either. I even lost my virginity last year (which I didn't like... causal sex is overrated IMO) and it showed me I'd rather be in a relationship and make love instead.

 

Hm... What do you feel is the cause of being rejected on your part?

 

I feel the same about your whole post. It's like no matter what you do you can't click with anyone. You feel like an alien on your own home planet. Whenever I go out in public I get picked on FOR NO REASON. I'm a 25 year old grown man! Just because I look 16 doesn't mean I'll put up with BS. You just get TOUGH Anyways lol, What I've learned from being maverick and severly lonely is it can make you STRONGER and BOLDER than the average person when you allow it to build you up rather than weaken you. Once you embrace the feelings of being lonely and the rejection (lose hope) you see you have TOTAL FREEDOM. The more you think about WHAT YOU DONT HAVE or WHAT YOU WISH YOU COULD HAVE your going to feel anxiety and stress. Also, most people are in relationships and are even married and WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO BE SINGLE! You have FREEDOM. So what if your 29? There's no age set limit for anything. Forget society and take the world in your own hands. It's just as much yours as it is anyone else's.

[HiTech]

Thanks for reply.

 

I want to talk to .. anyone, lol (just as long as you're not a pedophile, rapist, murderer ...), so yeah, I appreciate your ears.

 

I'm curious since you said you have 0 friends, can you please give me this 'whole list of reasons to live', this seems to be the basic quandary to me.

 

I don't have 'self-loathing', I most definitely DO NOT hate myself. I have no self-confidence, the reason being, after asking many women out over several years, I have been rejected by EVERY one. Its hard to say I can validate my own social self worth when i'm batting 0-100.

 

I have much confidence in my intellectual abilities, an example would be that I have a B.Sc. Biochemistry with about 3 years in field experience in lab molecular biology (high school was also easy, never less then 90% ... not to brag, but its really my only component of self worth that I should at least .. cling on to).

 

What is the most upsetting to me is that I have so much caring for every single human being; have never struck someone in my life; get hurt, rather sensitively when I see someone else in pain and am extremely pacifist that the frustration of not understanding why NO woman is attracted to me is tearing me up. All I want to do is have someone to share my heart with (I hate using that colloquialism, but by heart I mean my desire to share my life and happiness with someone else !).

 

Please do ask, and be straightforward, that is the only way to get answers.

 

I don't know how I can rarely connect to another person for that sliver when I don't ever have contact with other people ... and don't know how. That's another piece of the puzzle, I don't 'understand' how to initiate social contact. By understand I mean I can't .. comprehend WHAT to do to meet people, HOW to do the things involved in initiating social behaviors. In other words, I have some of the basic social retardation characteristic to Asperger's syndrome, which is a high functioning autism. I don't believe I have Asperger's though, because I am still FULLY capable of talking to another person if they have engaged conversation with me. I can talk for minutes on the topic with normal interjected dialogues assuming its a topic I am familiar with (I just used aspergers as a comparison if you are familiar with it). I have pretty bad social anxiety though, that is, within a conversation, when time to bring up a new topic for example, I typically can't think of anything (because I have no social topics to draw from since I have zero friends) and get anxiety. Benzos (benzodiazipine, like clonazepam which I take and is weaker, or xanax) help of course in this regard, but the problem still remains that I have no information to draw on to ... have something to talk about. I sleep all day, and all night because I don't know what TO DO (read above, I don't know anyone TO talk to and I don't understand what people go out and do during the day, really, yet I could write you a paper on MDMA metabolism with relative ease ... baffling)

 

I will PM you from now on and you should figure it out from me sending you one, just figured i'd leave this on the public forum because i'm not embarrassed or ashamed of these things, I am just very hurt and frustrated as to why I can't just lead a normal life.

[Ariel85]

You sound so darn sweet. Truly.

 

Suggestion? Get out and live your life. Don't hole up. And don't go out making meeting women your priority. Go out and do things you enjoy. Sounds like you'd be perfect for volunteering in a pet shelter, or some other type of charity - phone help hotlines, etc. I think when you back off your goal, and just do your own thing, that's when you'll start meeting people. And people with similar interests. And if you don't - then at least you've spent your time doing something you enjoy, right? And that's fulfilling in itself.

[HiTech]

I know i'm not alone, but also there are children in Africa suffering WAY worse then I am. But that doesn't change the fact that my brain generates these intense emotions, I guess Freud would call it the ego, ultimately it is my own life whose effects on I actually feel.

 

I agree sex is overrated, but for someone without it for so long, it is just the touch of another person's body and feelings (even if distant due to random * * * * ) involved that ... make it the ego dominated motivation in my mission to find intimacy.

Intimacy is the key here, by touch and feelings I mean the intense sharing of a special experience between two people who deeply CARE about each other (aka a couple ...) for which I agree with you entirely, that is part of why I want the relationship so bad, so I have someone to SHARE my life, experiences, and intimacy with (you say make love, intimacy ... basically same thing by what I meant ).

 

I have no idea at all why I am being rejected, read the last post I wrote where I explained my confidence in my intellectual abilities, and how torn up I am from not being able to understand what it is that turns me off to women so much.

 

Its bull * * * * how people in society act and is one more thing that reduces my interests in life to finding a woman who I care about, and who cares about me, with which to share my life and the happiness of the affection involved.

 

I understand freedom, and you are absolutely right its the best thing in life, but I don't do anything but sleep all day and all night because I don't understand ... what to do (again read the other post, im not retyping all that haha). I have had enough years of freedom, and I want to experience intimacy, caring, the biochemical effects we call 'love' (don't ask, ppl get angered by hearing it lol). I want someone to share myself with, and who can validate my existence by actually showing that someone (other then family, which is basically mandatory anyways) CARES about me.

 

What good is intellectual knowledge or freedom if no other human being has ever shown to want to share those things with you (freedom can still be shared between two people), and how can one VALIDATE their existence when no person would be with them?

[Ariel85]

Right - but you're saying what you want, but you're not willing to put in the work to get there. You want intimacy, love, etc. - yet you won't even leave the house to meet people. It's like you want some women to just appear on your doorstep. Ain't gonna happen. Anything worth having is worth fighting for. So, like I said - you need to put yourself out there. Get out of the house and do things you enjoy. From that, meeting people and gaining social skills will come.

[HiTech]

Thank you, I appreciate. I am ... sweet ... I think lol, I just care about people not feeling pain of any kind mental or physical ! (I hate the pain I feel, never want that on anyone else).

 

Prob with going out is that I do not comprehend how to do that. I know you can't even understand what I meant with what I just said there, but i explained it a bit using the aspergers analogy in the other post. It makes no sense to you I know, but just as the basic social skills you learned growing up and are integrated into your behaviour (I never learned many of those skills, as I was 'prevented' from 5-18 ... but we won't go there).

 

I have done the whole, work on other life things when I was in university doing my degree (2001-05) as someone else had suggested that to me too. At no point did any woman talk to me, really respond to me at all, and I have NO concept of when I should ... start a flirtatious social event when in a conversation with a woman, nor do I know what a flirt is or how to do it.

 

It was after university that I tried hard (the 100+ women thing), simply because I was hurt real bad that in 4.5 years in a school with 73% women (30 000 population), I never once experienced any romantic activities, or friendships etc.

 

I know all these replies sound dry and emotionless, I am just trying to be as succinct as I can be to explain my situation, but ... for the first time since I was a child, i'm actually crying a bit at my computer right now, which surprises me a little (I have nothing against crying and have tried using it as a tool against depression but it made no change, and I have simply just not reacted to depressive emotional pain by crying, for whatever reason *shrug*)

[Ariel85]

Were you home-schooled?

 

I do get what you're saying about lacking social skills - I do. I have a cousin who has AS - so I get it. However, he was always encouraged to get out and do things - even if they were solo activities. Yes, he's always struggled with making and maintaining friendships, but I don't think that should preclude anyone from enjoying their life. Meaning - there is nothing wrong in doing things on your own. I mean - you're pretty much alone all day - so why not be OUT of the house and doing things - even if you are alone doing them? Taking in a museum, sporting event, concert, restaurant, movie, etc. I just don't think having social adjustment issues in the present needs to hinder your ability to enjoy your life as a single person. Does that make sense?

[HiTech]

I don't know HOW meet people, I don't know where to go, what to do, what to say, how to say it, how to react, man the list goes on.

 

Like I said read my aspergers post, I am trying to put into words as best I can a disability that is difficult to explain to people because social behavior is an integrated learned skillset during childhood. You aren't aware of how you use your social skills because they are integrated into your behaviour (but not mine). Lets use Academics and Social Behavior as two paradigms for analogy.

 

I am very skilled in science, if I tried to explain the principles of how nuclear magnetic resonance provide all the bond angles, and distances of a molecule via local magnetic induction, you would likely not understand (yet its a simple concept to me), until you learned all the basics. Like what is magnetic, bonds, blah blah.

 

I am not a very skilled user of social behavior, so if you were to try and explain some such behavior (see I can't even think of examples lol) I would not understand at all, but neither would you because your explainig something you and everyone you know use every day automatically, as people interact with each other .

[HiTech]

No I went to public elementary and high school. From day 1 I was the person who was regularly beat on and ridiculed, I learned lessons from those times (age 5-18 which I alluded to in my other post), however none of these lessons were social. I never had any friends, never participated in any social ... anything because no one wanted me to be there ....

 

No one with with home schooling could get a uni degree, lol, i'm sorry, but teachers are fundamental !

 

You keep saying to go out and do things. What are THINGS? I am trying to explain here, I don't understand these descriptors, they are a natural part of your social structure, so maybe you can't see what I mean? I understand some of the colloquial ones like the movies, but I don't understand how I would meet someone at one of these things. I would never speak to a woman randomly in public, I have nothing to say ...

[Ariel85]

And I keep saying to you - I'm not suggesting you leave the house to be social. I'm saying you need to leave the house to live a productive life - even if everything you do out of the house is on your own.

 

Staying locked up in the house is only going to contribute to your feelings of social isolation.

 

You need to take baby steps. Get used to leaving the house on your own and doing things you enjoy. Then you can work up to social interaction.

[HiTech]

I don't enjoy anything though lol

 

I'm sorry im not trying to be a * * * * and just rebut everything you say haha, its just really I have no interests in anything, like none, heh. I woke up, found this forum, been posting here for however i started the thread, then im back to bed because there is nothing I have any interest in doing right now

[ofpossibleuse]

Hi again. I don't know what's up with the PM thing - when I go to my Inbox I see this:

---

ofpossibleuse, you do not have permission to access this page. This could be due to one of several reasons:

 

1. Your user account may not have sufficient privileges to access this page. Are you trying to edit someone else's post, access administrative features or some other privileged system?

2. If you are trying to post, the administrator may have disabled your account, or it may be awaiting activation.

---

 

??? Don't see how I can be 'awaiting activation' if I'm able to post... 'sufficient privileges' - I don't know, do you need some kind of 'special' privileges to use PM?! I also don't see the 'send a private msg' option in anyone's profile, including yours (or my own). This board is making me feel stoopid. Oh well. If you want to email me direct, it's exactly the same as my username here and is at gmail dot com. (Send a test msg first if you want.)

 

Meantime just want to say this. You said you're frustrated and hurt that you "can't just lead a normal life." My thought on reading your follow-on notes in this thread, to me and others, is that you can't lead a normal life because you're not "normal". I know, because neither am I! Even before you start considering whatever social anxiety or social inexperience or whatever else in that vein, you are "not normal" as compared with "most people" because you're smarter than they are. At least, that's how it sounds. You say you're into and good at sciencey things for instance; most people would be baffled by much of what you might ever say in that regard. Degree in biochemistry? Me, I'd like to sit you down and pick your brains so I might actually LEARN something.... but "normal people" probably "hated" science and certainly chemistry and its peripherals. Not that I'm saying anything you may not have already realized, but it might be useful to let go of a knee-jerk idea of "Why can't I just be normal?" PLEASE DON'T BE NORMAL! I won't go off on a tear about "normal people" because I'll start to sound like a misanthropist, though I'm not..exactly. It's just that a lot of human beings make me a little crazy with their nonthinking, zombie-like behaviors. Hey - maybe THAT's why I don't have any friends in this town! : )

 

I've never, ever had a "normal" life in the sense you mean. I'm not big on chitchat and the fascination a lot of Americans, in particular (I'm American), have with "celebrity culture" - which in turn skews just about every value and priority and general **sense of the world** baffles me. It's not difficult for me to "socialize" in terms of striking up conversation or keeping it going; I just don't choose to do it most of the time. As I think I said in my original note, sometimes that's fine with me. I don't want to be "normal" in the default social sense - maybe it's because I'm older than you (early 40s - female, fwiw) but quite honestly I only feel the "need" to be "more social" to whatever extent is necessary in order NOT to be perceived as some certified-crazy hermit type who hisses at people who come too close...! I don't hiss, I promise.

 

Someone named Stand Strong suggested elsewhere in this thread that you >>Forget society and take the world in your own hands. It's just as much yours as it is anyone else's.

 

Anyway - I don't really want to put many more personal details about myself (some of which bleed over into the 'list of reasons to live' aspect, thus not going into it here) or ask for yours in this public way, so email as I describe above if you like, or someone give me a freaking clue about why I seemingly cannot access/send PMs...?!!

[tresqua]

You need at least a dozen more posts in order to send and receive messages.

 

Maybe you'd do better with an online dating site, such as link removed. It's free, you can message other users and just get to know them that way, it can be anything from an online friendship to possibly setting up a first meetup.

 

Some shy people do better with the written form of communication, at least as an ice breaker.

[ofpossibleuse]

Hi Tresqua -- thanks for the tip about a dozen posts - didn't see that anywhere mentioned. And ha! about a dating site --- not sure why you'd make that leap. I'm just not eager to talk about more personal or identifying info publicly, thus suggesting PM or email. It's about privacy, not a backhanded way to come at "dating." (Fwiw, as mentioned in my earlier note, I'm not exactly shy per se and don't tend to be uncomfortable interacting with people, in person or online.) I definitely appreciate the info about the dozen posts, though! Thanks again!

[ofpossibleuse]

p.s. to tresqua --- I put dating in quotes like that only because honestly I'm not even sure what that means anymore. People seem to play pretty fast and loose with relationships without always making sure they're talking about the same thing. I've tried online dating (no quotes!) off on an on a few times, nothing wonderful ever panned out, but I could probably have put more energy into selling myself, so to speak. One of my problems is I don't WANT to sell myself in that way, describe myself just-so, choose just the right picture, carefully craft some kind of thumbnail persona, only to find out once I do connect with someone that there is a big disconnect in all ways *except* the ones that seemed to apply based on that carefully crafted persona. I'd much rather just talk to someone (as in actually speak) or, yes, see how that come accross in writing - which takes thought, which takes effort of a different kind. I care much more about how someone thinks than most any outward indicators of supposed compatibility. You're not going to find out much how someone thinks based on a few lines in a free profile, at least I don't think so. I realize some would say I'm being cynical or 'not giving it a chance' or something like that. Maybe so, but I'm just going by what I've experienced so far.

[Stand Strong]

I want to talk to .. anyone, lol (just as long as you're not a pedophile, rapist, murderer ...), so yeah, I appreciate your ears.

Lol nice sense of humor and no problem! We're here to help

 

the reason being, after asking many women out over several years, I have been rejected by EVERY one. Its hard to say I can validate my own social self worth when i'm batting 0-100.

 

I know what that feels like. After awhile it just shows that once you can give up a feel for a "need" of validation from women you'll be fine. I really dislike that not being with women lowers your self-esteem (though I can relate) There's SO much more to life than women (no offense ladies) like your hobbies/things that make you feel good. Like I always say, looking for happiness in things and other people is a HUGE mistake. Once those things and people leave you, you'll feel lost. If you find happiness within you'll always have it because people are looking for something they already have in themeselves inside other people. A large task, but well worth it. True confidence is earned through everything your going through. Though I can tell your done with that and just ready to love and be loved. Amazing how something so simple gets so complicated right?lol

 

That's good! I'm also proud on my intellecutalism. Hm... you may be an INTJ. I'm not sure. INTJs make up 1-4% of the population. So it's natural we don't attract many people. Even though it's crazy that out of billions, clicking and having a simple conversation seems far-fetched for us yet natural for others.

 

I feel like I'm writing to myself it's boggling how similar we are lol. Having a heart of gold without anyone caring is stressful/heartaching. I cope by makin music and poetry. Maybe you can find a creative outlet for the supressed feelings. Again I used to and still feel the same way. The three basic humans needs are Validation, Praise, and Acceptance. On some level, everyone needs to feel love and have human contact (touch) and without you just feel cold and alone.

 

I know i'm not alone, but also there are children in Africa suffering WAY worse then I am.

As rude as it sounds, don't compare your problems to theirs. It's going to make what your going through overshadowed. Pain is pain. No matter how intense

 

I agree fully! The only thing that I care about in life is getting married and having kids. Living and feeling intense, loving and caring emotion is what's most important. After all, that's all people are going to think about on their death bed (memories). However, I accepted that that may not be in my cards. But who knows?

 

I've been and stilll going through the exact same thing. I eventually learned to validate my OWN existence. I ended up is a mental hospital twice (both times for a week), had mental breakdowns and had to see a psychiatrist over the very same things your talking about. I've been broken on a mental, phsyical and spiritual and emotional level over the deep isolation and lack of emotional support and human touch/care. I'm even born with a sickness that many don't have until their older. So with all the feelings you have topped with terrible physical pains and having 2 doctors tell you you may not live past 40, and the depression and crying myself to sleep as a teenager It makes you want to as the divine why did you even bother to allow me into existence if I'm only going to be alone and suffer all these pains on every level. At any rate, I feel the key thing you want is VALUE. Something that makes you feel important to someone else. I bet you feel that your heart and feelings may be your value and that's true. Like me, your the kind a guy women marry. And that may be the "problem"(at least for me it is)

 

All I can say, from being destroyed and built up into a new/resolute person is it's ESSENTIAL to find what makes you happy apart from other people first to the point where bonding with people seems the last concern on your list of things in life (this was a hard task for me and I'm still dealing with doing what I don't want to do which is that) It also helps that I gave my life meaning through helping others (which is when I feel most gratified). I feel that's the reason I was suppose to suffer my whole life. To have a better understanding. I rambled a bit lol but the point I'm making is I know it sucks, but all you can do is go out and get INTENTIONALLY rejected until you find that one. I'm to the point where I know/expect rejection. Which is fine because it shows you that the person wasn't meant to be in your life

 

Sorry for any geralizations and misunderstandings I may have made in this. I'm in a hurry so welcome if you want to openly correct the ones I made (which I'm already aware of)

[Stand Strong]

Ah and also, conversation takes practice. I find it's best to talk to the persons feelings rather than the logic in what they say(if they are a women)

[HiTech]

Thanks for your guys advice.

 

When I said I can't lead a normal life I was kinda ... blowing off steam in my frustration that I can't find pleasure in ANYTHING. I most certainly DO NOT want to be normal, and I am quite glad you brought up the celebrity culture thing ...

 

Even talking about this sort of thing quickly gets me labelled as arrogant, so lets just dispense with that now. I AM very intelligent, I look around me and see every single person composing their entire lives out of silly, pointless garbage.

 

I know my view is biased but people should be more interested in at the very least the BASIC science of the things we are doing to the world and each other and the ramifications therein. They should care about what we can do next to improve ourselves and our understanding of the reality we live in ... but instead, everyone only seems to care who Mel Gibson is dating, or some pointless story about Anthony Weiner that I can't seem to stop hearing about on TV. It bothers and hurts me A LOT to see the society I am a member of, if that makes me an arrogant, elitest pig, well then I proudly salute, cuz I am NOT ashamed of my desire to better our species via science over my (lack of) desire to assign value to human beings that society has deemed the most importat and iconic people to look up to just because they did a good job entertaining me in some movie. This is one more reason I have no faith i'll ever find someone, i've never run accross too many chemists who want to talk to me, led alone, ANYONE.

 

On that note, its very difficult because I have a vast wealth of scientific knowledge that I would love to talk for hours on end about, but in the very few (and short) random conversations i've had with people, even the slightest mention of anything scientific IMMEDIATELY turns them off. I have to make GREAT EFFORT in anything I say to avoid mentioning ANYTHING academic as that just ends the conversation immediately. This of course leaves me with NOTHING to say to continue a conversation, so is in part why I just can't talk to people, i'm sorry but I don't know or care what Justin Beiber is doing, though everyone around me seems content talking to great lengths about pointless celebrity icons, so I can't be part of any conversation. For the record i'm Canadian, close enough culturally speaking.

 

Another part of my problem is that, for eg. you used the example of being perceived as a hermit, etc. Well I don't have that problem because I never see other human beings, and on the off chance I do (eg. grocery shopping), I definitely don't talk to anyone. I should add I have tried while under the influence of drugs, alcohol of course making you more apt to talk but more apt to just be stupid as well, i've also tried while under benzos (anti-anxiety drugs), when I am the happiest, bubbliest person who wants to try and talk to people, though every effort I have made talking to strangers is met with off looks, etc. (like 'do I know you, * * * are you talking to me for'). I ... think ... a friend is someone who was once a stranger (for the most part), so I really don't understand how attempting to reach out to others like that is met with such cold hostility.

 

Anyways, i'm not just saying all this to counter what you said to me, I appreciate your advice and have taken from it what I can, i'm just trying to explain my own mindset, and among other things trying to prevent myself from hurting myself (tonight is worse then last night, which was worse then night before, etc., been progressing for about 1.5 weeks) by trying to get some things 'off my chest'.

 

I will e-mail you, and appreciate the offer, you too are welcome to email me at [link removed[/email]. I respect your concern for anonymity. I personally, however, am not embarased/ashamed of any of my faults or personal info (not saying that you are), so I really dont give two hoots who knows what about me on the internet.

 

Tresqua I appreciate your advice too, however, that is probably a major part of my problem lol. Back in the time I was making efforts to find a relationship (vs. the 'let it be, it will come mentality') I signed up to EVERY dating website I could find. You know how many of my messages received replies? That's right, ZERO ! I had my sister and my mom look over my profile info thingy, I KNOW my pic was ok and that i'm not some ugly troll. That period of my life is what shattered any ego and self-confidence I may have had at the time.

 

I've been told I should be proud and have self-confidence from my academic history, but that just won't happen. Again i'm gonna sound like an arrogant * * * * , but ... education is EASY, they foster the mentality of just getting everyone through, even to some extent in university. I even found university pretty easy, it was the only time I had 'friends'. Whereby 'friends' I of course mean people who used me for help so they could pass their chemistry midterm (and I knew I was being used, but thats fine, having SOME sort of ... dialogue with your peers in university beats being completely alone while all those ppl are having the times of their lives ... was hard to avoid seeing when I lived in a dorm too).

 

Stand Strong, I apprciate your advice too

 

You are correct, I feel the need to be validated. In all honesty, I just need ONE woman, ONE to show me i'm not some sort of completely worthless jerk that the other more then 100 have so far affirmed. Its not even as much about the relationship (though i'm lying, it is, I would like to experience the emotions of a relationship), its that EVERY SINGLE woman in my life has rejected me, there has never been a single picosecond where I could have felt like someone actually has some interest in me, and until I do, I will remain a crushed empty shell. I mean really, I have seen some of the ugliest, and moreso MEANEST men find relationships, and in fact don't know of a single human being who hasnt been in a relationship at my age (who didn't already want it that way, 100 rejections is just ... unheard of, and there MUST be something wrong with me, no matter what you say to try and convince me otherwise, there is no way in hell you get universally rejected that many times and there not be something SERIOUSLY wrong with you).

 

I have NO hobbies or interests.

 

I am indeed an INTJ, have you been stalking me?

 

Your suggestion about finding a creative outlet is very good advice, unfortunately for me though all my skills and abilities lie in the realm of analytical and reasoning (hence the academic and biochemistry, etc.). I have tried drawing, music, writing, and .... I can't do any of them for the life of me. I'd just stare at the paper haha. Its funny actually in elementary school I was so incapable of doing the art class that they (for some reason) thought I might have mental accuity problems (even though I was fine in every other subject except gym), and so gave me some test. To their ... bewilderment, I scored 100% on it, I never was cognitively impaired, despite what my poorly trained elementary school teachers may have thought, I just lack the 'creative' hemisphere of my brain, ALL the strength is in the other lobe, which is why academics, and school is, frankly, easy. Its funny actually i've had family tell me they'd die for my intellect, well .. i'd die for their natural social abilities lol, so its a lose lose.

 

About the starving children thing, it was a sarcastic remark because thats what people tell me when I complain about my pain, my response to them is pretty much exactly what you just said.

 

A large part of the reason I am agnostic (and more recently full out atheist) are exactly those things you said. What kind of a loving god would allow people to be born into life with horribly disfiguring mental and physical disabilities (i'm talking the ones WAY worse then my own, like those who can't function on their own and require palliative care), though that doesn't discount my own. If such a malevolent entity does exist I most certainly don't want in its heaven, not if its any reflection of itself at least.

 

I would love to practice conversation, unfortunately as I think i've hammered home, no one will talk to me.

 

I gotta say, as much as I do love my socialist healthcare, the lack of ability to find a therapist in abour 3 years now is clearly affecting me (and I used to think shrinks were all a crock, but after seeking some help in my mid 20's I quickly found I was wrong and there is A LOT they can do to help). Unfortunately I can't just go buy a shrink like in the US (can't afford to anyways). Besides, health should not cost the individual money PERIOD, as health is the most important thing there is, PERIOD (yeh i'm quite anti capitalist healthcare and pro socialist healthcare if you hadn't noticed

 

Anyways, back to sleep for me again, still can't find s h i t to do that interests me ... this concerns me ... but so does my willingness to die I guess.

[Lostt]

I'll tell you my story...I had a live in bf of 3.5 yrs (I'm almost 28) and I lived for him and only him (he was the best guy I've ever met, he treated me like a queen) but I had to end it due to personal situation (I had to become someone and being in a relationship was not an option) just to give you an idea.

Anyway, I had a hard time making friends because we moved to another city and all I had was him, he's very social guy and after a year and a half he found a friend that he really likes. And I was still by his side..thinking friends are not important just him. Well, I was wrong and I turned down a lot of friendship requests, now that's its over I beat myself up for it and barely have any friends but that tought me a lesson--before you decided to live for somebody else, look at your life 1st (are you complete, are you happy etc) so I'm forcing myself to get out there sign up in classes, play sports and be open to rejection but still have hope that one day I'll overcome this fear of meeting people and become confident and that's When I'll start attracting more people.

You have to understand, ppl sense your desperation and low self esteem and that's the biggest turn off, so get out there, broaden your comfort zone and believe that one day--you're gonna be happy

I can be your friend if you wish

 

Pm me.. We'll chat!!

[Lostt]

Sorry for the smiley..I meant to say I'm almost 28

[Jaydedgirl]

There are times when i feel just like you,to be honest alot of times. I dont have any friends however i am in a relationship. I HAVE always been alone..throughout my life..in school i used to be alone for my lunch break..nobody would come up and befriend me except for a few guys. I have had people that i thought were friends with me until they stole from me and from that time on I have been alone but u know what helped me through the bad times my love for animals and the love they give back to me..they always are full of love and are happy with u just the way they are. Yes,they cannot speak but they are alive just like we are and are much more intelligent and can sense when a person is sick, sad or happy. I love animals and even if im having a bad day,my dog always cheers me up You think they dont have a reason for living? yes they do,they want to give unconditional love

 

Also listening to Michael Jackson's music has helped me through my bad times...he said in one of his books that he thought he was one of the loneliest people in the world. For someone so famous and loved by the world around him,he felt so alone and sad...yet he kept going,kept living his life, entertaining us through damce and his love for music...he loved life despite the bad times. He spread his message of love and world peace and that is something i strive to do also..even if im just a nobody in my small town. You have got to love life,commiting suicide just leads to u being reborn again and having more lessons to learn in ur next life. So please take up a hobby and forget about finding a girl...forget about being lonely...

 

We are all alone, we are born alone, live alone, die alone...we just create this illusion that our love for friends and family makes it seem that we are not alone when we all are...

No matter how many girls reject u just remember that doesnt make u any less of a person, nobody should judge you coz theyre not perfect. God will find you someone...but dont go searching for it. Just enjoy your life and be happy...