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For those who have followed my story, the latest news is that my ex and I had a 3.5 hour phone conversation ( I know right? Like part-time job hours) a couple nights ago about the breakup, being apart, and the path towards reconciliation. She's been pretty sad without me since the breakup, despite finishing finals, having the exciting rebound, graduating college, going on a couple trips with friends. Even with all those good times, she's still having difficulty moving on from me. Same here with me. I've picked up pilot's lessons, got in great shape, did some charity stair climb, met new people, gone out as a single guy with friends, and just focused on healing. Still though, I miss her as well and would like a future together. Right now, we're just at a precarious situation of wanting to be back together, but not ruining it.

 

She's back home now, so even getting back together would be a small LDR. There's that natural space for us as opposed to before in the relationship when expectations were higher when she was living near me. While we both still get along great with each contact since the breakup, we acknowledge that there will be some resentments from the breakup without the proper healing. Now, I believe with enough time, both of us will heal. However, there's one caveat about that amount of time.

 

The caveat

There's this vacation for Puerto Rico we planned before we broke up coming up in about 2 weeks. I tried to cancel the tickets, but I'd probably end up taking $180 hit on each ticket. She also paid for a vacation package on Groupon, so that's not refundable either. So my immediate question is, would going on this vacation hurt or help the reconciliation? Or would reconciliation be independent of this vacation? My options are: 1.) go on a romantic getaway with the girl who loves me but potentially rush too quickly into things and jeopardize our future together or 2.) take the $360 hit despite both of us wanting to go and deny ourselves some fun in order to stay apart and heal.

The main issue

What will it take to make this reconciliation successful? I think time will solve a lot of problems. However, there's a bunch of ways to spend that time. She and I both have the same goal in mind, where we have both moved on from the breakup and make ourselves stronger for the future. Losing the resentments that came from the breakup (me dumping her, her rebound, my one-night stand, her games to get my attention) is going to take some time. What we can't figure out is if this is something we work out individually or together. I personally have been making decent progress in my healing (it's difficult, but gotten significantly better since the first 2 weeks), so I think healing individually would allow us to take some more time apart and get rid of the codependency issues. However, she believes that we bring out the best in each other, and working through these problems together would allow us to be on the same page in the healing. She is also concerned about the amount of time it takes to get to reconciliation if done individually. Mostly concerns about how we can fix us when we're separated. She thinks that being together and working on us makes more sense. Just a couple questions to ponder for both of us.

 

Questions:

  • If we both want to get back together but take time for ourselves, who's to say what an appropriate amount of time apart? Why does setting an arbitrary time make a difference? Again, she's a couple hours away now, so contact is minimized regardless. I wanted her to forget about me; but honestly, it would be hard to act single with someone who loves you in the back of your mind. It takes two people, so how do we know when both of us have spent enough time healing?
  • Seeing as we're both on good terms and would like to go about this the right way and not the fast way, do we both just go NC for x number of days and work on ourselves? So that means we'd act as if we were single, but hold ourselves back because we want to be with each other. That doesn't necessarily sound fair to either of us.
  • Do we say we're together, have contact, and work on ourselves together but apart? This would be a watered down version of being in a relationship, which is not ideal either. In essence, we'd just be holding ourselves back from healing because if I'm going to be in a relationship with her again, I can't just dump her because we haven't healed enough. That would be a fruitless effort.
  • I mean, we can just end it in the hopes of getting back together some time down the line. However, is that just sticking to the dogma of NC for the sake of NC? If two people want to be with each other, why shouldn't they if they can fix it? Besides, it would be like a breakup where neither person wants to break up (again).

 

We also discussed the idea of marked goals that should be achieved before we get to the reconciliation point. My buddy gave me some good advice, stating that we should be more desirable to each other than when the breakup occurred. For instance, I've always wished she was a little more responsible, as she tends to shy away from challenges. We wanted to think of tangible goals that would have an underlying point. Goals like for her to get at least a part-time job to show that she is working on her responsibility. Other examples would be for me to spend a certain amount of hours for the pilot lessons to show that I'm improving myself, for us both hitting a certain weight and fitness level for obvious reasons, reading Reconciliation (at endy's suggestion) and other relationship books so we have the same healing in mind, etc. These goals right now, seems to be the most appealing idea. Tired Tiger mentioned that having goals, not expectations, helps reconciliation without getting into the relationship. However, all this raises the point of what level of contact we should have and how much time we'd have to achieve these goals. Constantly contacting each other would basically be getting back together, decreasing motivation to actually improve ourselves. No contact during these goals could work, but it would just honestly be a denial in the idea that we'd like to share time with each other. Minimal contact probably makes the most sense in terms of actually healing without jumping into it, and since she is further away now, LC seems the most natural.

 

I've obviously talked to her about this. While we're starting to be on the same page in terms of the goal, we're both unsure about what would work. Ideally, this breakup is just a speedbump in the long road of a successful relationship. We would hope to at least gain something from this. There should at least be something to show for it after all that pain and heartbreak. Also, as far as Puerto Rico goes, we obviously want to go and have a romantic vacation and passionate time together, but is it really the best idea? Would healing be realistic after the vacation?

 

100 posts of healing and growth for me on this board...

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I have not read through all your posts, so I may have to come back at some point when I have done so for more insightful advice but based on this post only, I don't see the harm in going on the trip, so long as you set some ground rules and stick to them. You are both right that you should not move too fast back into the relationship. You don't want the old relationship. If it was "good," no one would have wanted to let it go. You want a new, better, healthier relationship and you both sound like you recognize that it will take some time and that you should pace yourselves. When my ex and I split, within three weeks he was asking to go on a trip to the place where we first met. I was so confused and hurt that I refused. I just kept questioning him why would he want to do that. I regret it now. It was an opportunity to see where things stood, just have fun, change of scenery - recreate what brought us together in the first place - or at least it could have been. Now I will never know. The trick of it is, if you are planning to go on the trip and do highly romantic over the top things to try to woo her, that's probably not a good idea - too much too soon. But you should go because you both want to and you are both being level-headed about it.

 

Is it the sort of trip where you can plan to do things separately. Spending every waking moment together might be too much. But I would go and give it a shot and see where it leads. it might be exactly what you both need to get a fresh start. Then when you return, keep some distance...process and keep things light and see where it leads.

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Go and have that trip and enjoy yourselves...life's too short to worry about things like *what If*...

 

After all ...having fun and enjoying people together is what everyone likes...you can go as just two people enjoying a holiday to freshen up...and let it flow naturally...

 

I would go as this is a nice opportunity for you both to just enjoy each others company in a new surrounding and just breathe...A trip really does help to refresh the senses...

 

I would go in a heart beat if it were me...remember if you both want to go...Go ...enjoy and let it all fall into place...don't put too much restrictions in the way you think of things...

but just as I say let it go naturally as you would getting to know someone new again...

 

Have fun !!

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wow, i feel like im in a similar situation minus the vacation and i don't know what to do. basically my ex and i dated for 3 years. broke up 1 year ago (really 1.5 years but got back together briefly in there). we just had a talk last week acknowledging the fact that neither of us have let go of the relationship and we still really love each other and would like to try again. the problem is we know we both still need more time to work on things and we HAVE to take that time because i am moving abroad for nine months. me moving is good beacuse it will automatically give us that time, but i have the same questions you do: how to we go about with contacting each other until then?

 

the work he needs to do involves him being single and my work actually should involve trying to put myself out there to other people (i'm not seeking some great love, though itf it happens who knows...but i really just want to date some people which i haven't done since the breakup). to we both have oppostie work to do, but we also need to start talking through things i think...but yeah, i have no idea really how this should work!

 

part of me really wants him just right now, but i know that wouldn't work and i know i want another year of independence. its very frustrating.

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Well, she and I had a couple of talks through the weekend, and we decided Puerto Rico was too soon. Just too many raw emotions to spend a romantic week together on a tropical island. While we both REALLY want to go because it would be an obvious good time, we both feel much more strongly about the future of the relationship and think that taking it slow would be the best option.

 

I'm not ready to get back with her yet, and she is not ready either. There wasn't any hostility or negativity in the conversations, but we still have resentments over what has happened. I'm trying to convince her that the breakup will lead to the best outcome for our lives, and she has yet to accept that. I have to get over the idea of her being friends with the rebound in order to accept her as a girlfriend again. We still have to determine for ourselves that the reasons for getting back together are right, and it's not about afraid of being lonely or for some kind of satisfaction. We set up some goals about being able to move on from the pain, so we can eventually reconcile. We have to be OK with not having any expectations about the previous relationship before we can do all that other stuff like cuddling, sex, and spending lots of time together. Even though she wants to cuddle and kiss me right now and I want to hold her and love her, we agree to take things slow so we don't mess this second chance up. She may visit at some point, but I may be away taking a vacation of my own.

 

In the meantime, we don't have a set time to start talking to each other again, so I think we're going to go NC for a bit. We didn't actually set the terms for it, but it's strange doing a mutual NC where the other person is still accessible. I can reach her and she can reach me at any time. It's just that right now, there's nothing to really talk about beyond healing, and that is an independent journey. So, I'm going to try and heal, then, we can see if getting back together will really work out!

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My advice to you would to be to really think about why you want to be with her again. Is it because you really love her? Is it because you miss her? Is it just a want and a desire? Think about this very deeply before you decide to make a decision to get back together again.

 

The best thing for reconciliation is always time and healing. Getting back to a place where you no longer have no guilt or worries with each other. With that said, you are in a situation where it's either going to work right now, but it's going to be a ton of work. I want you to really understand that it's going to take time to let go of this resentment. You may not let it go for a very long time. Try reading You can heal your life by Louise Hay as well It will help you with forgiveness, resentment and life in general. Resentment is held when we don't forgive and when we don't let go. Let go of the person and the past for now. It is the past. If neither of you can do it you are going to have a very hard time staying happy with each other.

 

If it was me I would probably hit the door on the relationship for awhile, but I am not you. I don't know how you or her truly feel. So it's not fair for me to advise you of that. Just take your time and come to what you think the best decision will be. There really shouldn't be a plan for reconciliation right now, or a date. It's going to cause both of you to have hope and hang on to a point. I don't think it's fair to either of you to try and hang on when you're healing. What if one of you meets someone else? There really is no right or wrong thing to do here. Just think with your head and not with your heart.

 

I see you struggling with that right now, but until you know for a fact you are clearly both thinking with your head, I think reconciliation should wait and there should be the least amount of LC you can both stand. NC like you said above would be better. The problem is mentally you both know you want to get back together. That's going to stay in the back of your mind. There may come a time very soon where you both are going to say screw it and try to make it work also. It may be the only real viable option because of the way you both feel.

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