HELP! Just talked to ex-gf on the phone after 1 month!

[joswsieg]

So I just spoke to my ex-gf over the phone after over a month of NC. We talked for about 30 minutes or so and she sounded really happy. I guess she was happy to be single now and she kind of hinted at that. She also said that there was no chance of us getting back together mainly because she thought the same things would happen all over again and she didnt want to take a risk of that. She said she wanted to be single for at least a year so she can figure things out.

 

The thing is, I know she isn't sure of her decision of else she wouldn't have called me back after I texted her. I need to know what my next move should be. Please anybody who has any suggestions or insight let me know!! I would really appreciate it!!

[nutbrownhare]

It sounds as though you're really hurting from the breakup and would like to rekindle the relationship, but, really I'd back off and maintain your NC.

 

Sure, she called you back after you texted her; but she called you back to say that there was no chance of you two getting back together again and that she wanted to be single for at least a year. Sadly, the fact that she called you back in no way suggests that's she's unsure of the decision - if anything, quite the reverse. I'm sorry to sound brutal, and I feel for you in the pain that's looking for any shred of hope in all this, but this is why maintaining NC is so important.

 

Any contact you have with her is likely to delay your healing, and your next move really needs to be focusing on your own life without her, building up your damaged self esteem and developing yourself as a person. Without her in your life. Let yourself grieve for your loss and let go, even though every fibre of your being may be looking for ways and excuses to keep in touch with her. Surround yourself with people who care about you, and do things which will help you to feel good about yourself. But really leave her out of your life for the foreseeable future.

 

(((HUGS)))

[CatsMeeoow]

I think nut nailed it...

 

HUGS!!!

 

I know this is a painful time but listen to what she is saying... she is happy and she doesn't want to come back. Its time to re-institute NC and move forward with your own life. There really is life after a breakup but it can take awhile to get there. I moved on and found an amazing guy who is now my husband!

[joswsieg]

She is my first love. I can't let her go. I just can't. I would do anything to be back with her. I just feel like I absolutely cannot take no for an answer and it's going to take emotional wreckage to convince me otherwise. There has to be something else I can do. I have to have her back.

[nattpanter]

Change your focus...accept the things you can`t control and focus on the things you can change in your life. IMO, noone is worth waiting for who tells you stuff like this...and one year of putting your life on hold? Give me a break! Time is the most valuable thing we have in our lives, simply bc you can never get it back....don`t waste it on someone who don`t rate the love you have to offer. Right now you are obsessing over her. You don`t HAVE to have her back/can`t let her go etc...if she never came back, you would get on with your life at some point, so stop telling that kind of nonsense to yourself. It`s needy, unwise and suggest to me you have plenty of lessons to learn...

[joswsieg]

I understand what you are saying but I just feel it is not that easy. We dated for 2 and a half years and talked of marriage and everything. Plus, we both go to the same school and live 30 seconds away from each other. I don't want to let her go and seeing her at parties and stuff around school is going to break my heart. I do have to have her back.

[nattpanter]

Well, and what are you gonna do when you realize she is not coming back? What are you gonna have to do then? She basically said she wants to be single for a year to figure things out... You might think this figuring out is about your relationship, but it`s more about her. She is gonna focus on herself, just like you should do with yourself. That is pretty much the same as saying "I want to have sex with other guys" Sorry to break it down to you, but that is the truth.

[iBroken]

OP - as much as it hurts and as much as you feel she is the one, she has made it clear that she is happy where she is right now.

 

As painful as it is, you need to let her go and move on without her

[DennisK]

You're just going to have to accept her decision and that there is very, very little you can do to change it. You say she was your first love, how old are you?

 

A agree with nut, that if she had the confidence to call you back and clearly tell you that she's happy being single, then that should tell you everything that you need to know.

 

Its natural to mourne for what you've lost, but don't waste time on somebody who doesn't want to be with you. What have you been doing to keep yourself busy in your month of NC?

[joswsieg]

I'm 19 years old and will be 20 in August. I haven't been doing too much during this month as I'm home from college for the summer and I can't find a job. So I'm basically just sitting around the house. All my friends are constantly working so I never get to hang with them.

I really don't think I'll ever be able to let go. Plus, we both go to the same school and it's fairly small and I live 30 seconds away from her on campus. Most likely, I'll see her at every party I go to and I'll run into her everywhere else. It's going to be rough.

 

You're just going to have to accept her decision and that there is very, very little you can do to change it. You say she was your first love, how old are you?

 

A agree with nut, that if she had the confidence to call you back and clearly tell you that she's happy being single, then that should tell you everything that you need to know.

 

Its natural to mourne for what you've lost, but don't waste time on somebody who doesn't want to be with you. What have you been doing to keep yourself busy in your month of NC?

[endy]

I'm 19 years old and will be 20 in August. I haven't been doing too much during this month as I'm home from college for the summer and I can't find a job. So I'm basically just sitting around the house. All my friends are constantly working so I never get to hang with them.

I really don't think I'll ever be able to let go. Plus, we both go to the same school and it's fairly small and I live 30 seconds away from her on campus. Most likely, I'll see her at every party I go to and I'll run into her everywhere else. It's going to be rough.

 

 

Eh man it took me a year and a half to get over my first. Read the journey from abandonment to healing by Susan Anderson. It's going to show you what you're going through and YES it's normal. You can't let go, means you don't want to. As long as you keep telling yourself that you really won't be able to. It will be rough, but you really have no other choice. You can't change someone, and you can rarely if at all change their mind, other then either making them feel guilty or by manipulation. You'll be ok just give it time. Just start working on yourself. That book up there is a good start.

[imonlyhuman]

If you really want to get her back, you need to let her go. Crazy right? I know. I think the most important thing I have learned from my breakup experience is to take a step back and try to look at things from an outsider's perspective. To you (and me when I was first dumped), the world is so empty without her and you can't seem to find your happiness. It's like she took it with her when she left. She is the one and only and there's no one else like her. That's probably true, she is the only her, BUT there's also other people out there that are pretty awesome in their own ways, the most important difference is that they want to be WITH YOU.

 

Doing nothing at home and pining over your ex is never going to win her back, acting brashly and pressuring her (you think you aren't, but you ARE) is never going to win her back. You might guilt her into taking you back that way, but if that happens, another breakup is inevitable and it will hurt even worse. Take a step back, understand how pathetic that may look to her. We see a lot of movies where all these guys win back the girls that dumped them through some grand gesture to remind them of the love they had. That's not reality. Reality is cold and hard, the odds are that the relationship is over. Reality is more in line with the movie Swingers, watch it. YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON, even if you don't want to, none of us wanted to move on. You have to learn to be happy on your own, and that is what attracts other people to you. Do you ever want to be friends with someone that is always sad and dejected? It's the same with lovers. I've really come a long way since my breakup, and I have been working tirelessly trying to make myself happy again. Is it working? I think so, I have four different women that seem pretty interested in me right now. And I met another one last night at a concert I decided to go to with my best friend, because we need to GET OUT THERE AND HAVE FUN AGAIN.

 

Your ex? She won't forget about you, no matter what. Let her go, leave her with all the good memories of what you guys had, don't contact her and give her bad memories of you pushing her and pushing her, pressuring her to get back together when its not what she 100% wants on her own. Leave her with the good memories, and maybe one day, she'll be ready to come back. And then, maybe you've moved on and will be happy with someone else, or not, and you guys can give the relationship a real second chance. If you see her at a party, nonchalance, just smile, maybe say hi, and then leave her vicinity. Hang out with other people, go to another party. Do whatever it takes to get yourself back. BE THE FRIGGIN CHAMPION THAT YOU ARE. You were good enough to attract this girl before, so somewhere inside you, you're still that kickas3 guy.

 

Work on yourself, work on your relationships with the people that truly want to be with you (parents, friends), live life and be happy. If you ever need advice, the forums are here, and you can always PM me, I think it sends me an email. Try to listen and learn from people's advice, we've been where you're at and we have made a lot of the same mistakes, so we sort of know something about all this. I don't mean to be very harsh, but it is very hard to get through to someone whose heart has just been broken. That was me, only a few months ago. Good luck, brother.