An honest story of apology from a broken heart, please read and help

[broforce22]

Hi everyone

 

This is the first time in which all this has ever happened, so I'm as lost as any other person would be in a situation like this. What I'm about to say took me some courage but especially honesty, this is something I want to solve and to achieve that, I must tell the truth. Please read carefully and I will say it, THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE AND I NEVER PLANNED THIS BEFORE HAND.

 

I'm 24 years old and I have been around the world. I'm a tennis player and I have no real connections with people. I have friends but I barely see them. I consider myself a rather strong willed person, and I usually end up doing things that benefit me and no one else, as I'm used of taking of no one but myself. Some people consider this a selfish trait about me, but I'm sorry that's the way in which I was raised and life taught me to be. It's never too late to change and that's one thing I learned. Last November I went out with some friends to a bar and I met one girl there, and honestly, it was love at first. We both clicked right away and we talked for a while, then we exchanged numbers. I thought we would never get a hold of each other, but the next day I already had 3 texts from her and that night we were already hanging out. Needless to say, we never stopped ever since and we were pretty serious. Because I'm a guy it takes me a while to get used to the idea of opening up and stuff like that. We had arguments, like every other couple, because that's how we learned from each other. We are both strong willed people but the attraction we felt for each was, or is, too strong for it to deny it.

 

It all changed when she decided to come with me, for vacations, and I hadn't been home in over 2 and a half years. I told her it might not be a great idea after all, but she was very determined so I couldn't stop her, besides that, deep down I wanted her to come so that she could meet my family. I had already met her family and they appreciate me very much. It is the first I have felt this love and connection to people. Then, something happened here at home. We had about 2 or 3 really strong arguments and I became very very upset and frustrated so I ended up leaving her all by herself, just because I needed to get out of that situation. She was obviously upset but we managed to get over that after a day or two. While on beach, something snapped inside of my head and then all I remember is feeling extremely angry and I tried to kick her out. I grabbed all her stuff and tried to kick her out, saying that she had to go back or else I would take her back, that I couldn't see her anymore. After I put all her stuff outside the room, she decided to stay but then I became even more enraged and tried to actually pull her outside the room, and I was very angry at this point. I did pulled her and then she began crying and that's when I stopped, I held her and hugged her. I said I was sorry and I felt terrible. Surprisingly, she came to my bed and we end up sleeping together, she came back. The next morning, it was all good, we had breakfast and after a day of just enjoying each other, she tells me she's actually gonna leave. I thought she meant the beach house, but she meant as in going back home. When I heard I was beyond belief upset and at night I told her if she was serious it was time for her to leave if she wanted to so bad. I locked her out of the room with all her stuff out and then she called my sister, which would later come and brought her back to my house. I went home the next day and they did tried to talk to me, especially her, at one point I left my house and she followed me running after me but I was too upset. She left that day and even when she was obviously upset and angry at me she left me a note saying "I love you". After she left I began wondering and then I talked to one of my good friends, that knew her and I told her the story and he asked me" so what triggered that response in you. did she cheated on you or something?" I couldn't give him a straight answer, because there wasn't !

 

I felt like * * * * right away and then I realized my life is empty without her, its just meaningless. But this is where the story takes its turns and twists. Part of the process, and I knew, was she saying that she was upset about everything and that she never wanted to see me again, that we couldn't work things out and stuff like that. It was predictable and I saw it coming, so no biggie. I began looking for help at this point, because since something like had never happened, I was shocked too. Neither my family nor me have a history of violence or anger management issues to be honest, so it was all new for me. I had never reacted like that, not even to my friends so I was scared and I know she was, I'm sure she thought I could have killed or something. I sent her a letter apologizing but she didn't replied. On 3 separate occasions, she sent texts saying "I miss you" once and then 2 texts saying "I love you". It just caught me off guard and after some conversations, she would say it was all a mistake and that we couldn't be together again, for any reasons. Another random night, and this was the most shocking event, one of her good friends sent me an email, saying things like "how could you rape her" and "how were you capable of trying to beat the * * * * out of her" (things that I never did) but it turns out, my ex told her friends in her moment of anger and they blew it out of proportion. Then they told that to her mom, which now thinks I'm a rapist and a serial killer. And it obviously my word against all of her friends, in which I will never win.

 

I was so upset and frustrated that I searched and completed a psychological therapy, which would describe me and if I had secret violent or sadistic tendencies, or whatever issues I might had. After 3 weeks of constant therapy it turned out I was fine, there was no need for me to get medicated or anything, but there was one big issue. I have major problems of communication, since I've been playing tennis and traveling for so long, I have bottled things up inside of me and at any given point they had to explode. But they don't explode just like that, they explode when people get close to your heart, you don't explode on random people. The therapist even said that there had to be early warning signs in the past 9 months(which there were, such as outbursts, which I had) and that was telling me that I had stuff going on. There's nothing to be "fixed" but there's a long road ahead of me, saying that my only medication is to open up and face reality. I wasn't dealing with reality and I was just postponing things in my life, which I thought I could solve with time. All this mixed with poor communications issues, hence why I haven't seen then in over 2 years, plus her having her here was like 10 things "attacking" me at the same time, until I just snapped, which I did. It is sad that she had to go through all this, because after I opened myself, I found that I've found something that makes me truly happy and gives my life a purpose, but if a girl is reading this she might think "how can you even think about raising you hand or actually hurting her if she's the most important thing in your life?" Truth is, I'm not supporting my actions and I never will, but I needed help and I'm sorry she had to be one getting hurt, but if it wasn't for her now things would probably could have turned worst later, not as in murder but as maybe actually hitting her or God knows what. I should've been more honest with her, but I wish she could understand my background and my situation. No one's perfect and she should know how sorry I'm every single day that those events happened.

 

We've had conversations and every time we talk its all mixed feelings, like one time she implied that she was waiting for me (she said something like "and do you think I want someone else in my life?") or saying things like "I don't know what you want me to say" but then she says that we cannot be together again, that dating me was a mistake and that we can only be friends. She even knows that we can't be friends, it was love at first sight and she even admits it. She's dealing with it better than me, by going out and doing other things with her friends and according to one of her friends, she already seen someone else. One time my dad even called her and she began crying, so WHAT IS ALL THESE SUPPOSED TO MEAN? Her best friend sent me an email and she cares about me deep down, she was the only whose opinion I care about, and she the only one that knows her and me enough to "decide" and tell whats good or bad. According to her, my ex exaggerates things (she does) and she runs away from people she does care when she does. She also told me that she always had this plethora of emotions about me and that I was the best guy she dated, gosh, we were even supposed to be getting a house and live together by now. My only logical answer to all this is that she's been extremely influenced by her friends, some girls that never liked me and are using this chance to say "see what I told you about him? He was going to break your heart" But that's just me imagining situations, oh yeah, by the way her "good" friend now claims that if I shouldn't get even close to her because if they find out I'm back there she already talked to some guys to kick my ass. Childish? You decide.

 

What I do know is that she still tries to get a hold of me occasionally, sending me texts and although claiming that she doesn't want to talk to me, we end up talking for hours. We were pretty serious and we had actually planned to get married after school, which is not so far away. I know she's not a cold blooded * * * * * , but why is she playing hot and cold? Is she really over me or she's trying to teach me a lesson? I made a big mistake but I found a reasoning behind it and needless to say, it won't happen again because I can't afford to lose her again. Everything clicked, her family, mine, intimacy, everything. So what can I do now? It's hard to tell but I don't have anyone else there and I still have to finish school there, she has all my stuff but I really cannot be just her friend. I'm not trying to push the situation, but its been over a month now, isn't it enough already? She says that the only way we could ever be back together is if all her friends and family approve of me...again. Here's the deal, I CANNOT please all her friends because like I said before I never did to begin with so its almost impossible they do now. Her family..that's a tough one, they know me better and I want to believe they want to hear my side of the story and/or see how much I've changed, but that's a big if. Is she doing this more because of her friends or what? Besides all this, I don't know what to do or how to approach this problem, maybe because I love her too much and I have waited 23 years to meet this girl is that I want answers now and I want to accept my apologies? I mean she has, but she's not giving in, not even a little bit.

 

Any thoughts, comments, anything is more than welcome. Thanks for your time and thanks for reading my story.

[endy]

Go NIC, or LC. Read reconciliation and anger by thich nhat hahn. If you read these two books, you will know what to do. You need to practice this and start taking some time more for your "self" and reflection IMO. You will be able to get over this, and you will know how and what to say to her eventually. She is playing hot and cold because she is confused as all hell. Anger destroys love.

 

In short if you read anger... She is your angelina. You are david. You'll know what I'm talking about when and if you read the book. Please read the book. Don't pay any attention to the fact it's a buddhist book. It's a different way of living and thinking. You will benefit greatly from it.

[Timefornc]

Go NIC, or LC. Read reconciliation and anger by thich nhat hahn. If you read these two books, you will know what to do. You need to practice this and start taking some time more for your "self" and reflection IMO. You will be able to get over this, and you will know how and what to say to her eventually. She is playing hot and cold because she is confused as all hell. Anger destroys love.

 

In short if you read anger... She is your angelina. You are david. You'll know what I'm talking about when and if you read the book. Please read the book. Don't pay any attention to the fact it's a buddhist book. It's a different way of living and thinking. You will benefit greatly from it.

 

Hi endy,

 

My situation seems quite similar to the original posters but I'm four mths post break up, done everything wrong and whilst I feel most days I do not want her back should I still read this book? As it's so similar.

[endy]

Those books are good for anyone to read seriously. If you have anger issues you want to address yes read the book. I was one angry SOB at one time. Your relationships will definitely benefit from it. Also, you can heal your life is great for self confidence, self esteem and the law of attraction. If you're a reader get all three.

[Cadence44]

Childish? You decide.

 

Yes, the whole thing was.

 

Honestly, I read through this and I think much of the relationship was immature and toxic. I don't believe it was "love at first sight", I believe it was attraction at first sight. Love is a verb and you guys sure didn't treat one another as if you truly love one another. When she pushed, you ran and tried to force her away from you and now when you are pushing her, she's unsure. She makes up stories about what you did to her, and that's not okay. She's enjoying finally having power over you.

 

The way you treated her when you wanted her to leave is absolutely unbelievable and bordering on abusive. You didn't talk about it with her, you ordered her to leave. She cried and begged and you relented and then you had passionate sex, which apparently means that you're in love. Then the next day when she decided that your actions the day before might mean that it really was better for her to leave in order to preserve the relationship (she was wise to think that), you punished her for this choice by again ordering her out. No sir, she couldn't leave you! You had to be the one in control and making the decisions of how things will be.

 

OP, you strike me as having a very large ego, not all that in touch with your emotions, and I don't think you have any clue what real love is. It's certainly not related to drama and how passionate the sex is (because there's so much freaking drama). Honestly, I think you are so intent on getting her back now strictly because of your ego and because you don't feel in control anymore. It hurts you that she doesn't want to be with you and this hurt has never happened to you before so you don't know how to handle it. Instead of feeling the hurt and learning lessons from it, you want the hurt to go away and you think getting her back is the way to make everything ok. You're not seeing all of the unnecessary hurt that you've caused one another.

 

I think your ex also contributed to the childishness and drama and has some major growing up to do. Yes, you could go NC, and I bet she'll come running back because that's always been the dynamic and she doesn't know any better yet. Do I think it's wise to get back together if this happens? No.

 

I vote that it's best that you both stay away from one another, because you are bringing out the worst in one another. The two of you aren't mature enough to sustain something that is full of love and loving actions toward one another. Maybe you could reconnect some years down the road but I think if you try it again sooner than that you're both just going to continue damaging one another after the high of reconnecting fades away. Letting go is sometimes the most loving decision you can make and I think this is one of those times.

 

I'm used of taking of no one but myself. Some people consider this a selfish trait about me, but I'm sorry that's the way in which I was raised and life taught me to be. It's never too late to change and that's one thing I learned.

 

You've learned it but do you feel it and embrace it? Because "I'm sorry that's the way in which I was raised" sounds dismissive and defensive. That doesn't lead me to believe that you're going to make much progress if you maintain that attitude. I'm wondering if you were raised as a child with a heightened sense of self-importance. If you were, your current struggle is related to finally having to see that the world doesn't revolve around you and that you can't be in control of everything. I can understand how this realization could turn your world upside down if you've never had to deal with it before.

 

You are on your way toward bettering your life by trying to understand why you are the way you are and how you can change your future so that you can find happiness. Counseling is a very good decision and I give you credit for that. I think it's important that you stay in therapy to figure out how to be in touch with your emotions, as even this story of your relationship strikes me as sort of self-centered and robotic. It's okay to be a person who operates on logic, but you also have to have the capacity to understand what you feel and have enough empathy to understand how others are feeling as well. You can't truly love someone without the capability to prevent any actions that you might take that will hurt the other person.

 

I think that this has the potential to be a time of great emotional growth for you and I wish you luck in getting there.

[Timefornc]

Those books are good for anyone to read seriously. If you have anger issues you want to address yes read the book. I was one angry SOB at one time. Your relationships will definitely benefit from it. Also, you can heal your life is great for self confidence, self esteem and the law of attraction. If you're a reader get all three.

 

I have let this break up make me angry. I am a lot calmer now, but if I controlled it better I wouldn't have pushed and pushed and pushed until I was blocked from every form of communication. Even though I would quite liked to be friends I doubt there is any way I will ever hear from this girl again. She was the love of my life, and I have made her feel like she would not want to talk to me again. And I wanna do something about it. Not for her but so I an prepared for the next time

[broforce22]

To Cadence44:

 

I appreciate your thoughts and comments, I found them refreshing for lack of a better word. I respect your opinion and any comments, it's always good to see and hear things from outside the box. I could agree with you on how we took our relationship, but I don't know how much I can agree with you on the "toxic and immature" part. Was it hurtful? Yeah but for both of us on the very last days, its not that we had 7 months of absolute torture towards each other. People can think that it was all the time fights and break ups, but we were over that stage. We did had arguments, like every other couple out there, but we definitely had times in which we enjoyed each other very much. Well, she did treated me very good actually, honestly, she put more effort than me for sure and that I can't deny. On my behalf, I guess I was "scared" deep down, I had never felt anything like this over any other girl, it was all so lovely and "aggressive" I guess, it was just love you know? Kinda hard to explain, but yeah, I did lacked empathy nonetheless.

 

Was it borderline abusive? No, IT WAS abusive now that I look at it after over a month. I shouldn't have done that to begin with, funny thing, my major is Communications and I wasn't able to communicate what I had inside for and to her. Did I felt that I needed to be in control? Yes definitely, but I learned that in a relationship its not about me or her, its about us, whatever we decide to do, we decide as a couple and not as two independent people. Now, I've had girls in the past, and saying that they didn't affect me is a lie. But I've never felt this way, ever, so it has to mean something. I just don't like this girl, I love her and I'm sorry something like this had to happen for me to open up, but sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. Now, I don't want her to come back right now or that I want her to take me back, but I do want to show that there was much more to this former relationship than what I offered. I can't speak for her, but like I said, I think she did put more effort than me.

 

One thing that I want to share is this. She works with a lot of people and her friends are constantly changing. I can't stress enough how many time many times she would come back home and tell me that a bunch of her temporary friends would be saying things like "you should dump him", or "he's not worth it you can do much better". Only her real friends, which I got to know, did held a very good opinion of me. Unfortunately, she hasn't seen them in a while and she has this one friend, M.B., that is drama queen. My theory behind this is that her ex boyfriend got her pregnant but she also got another girl pregnant earlier, and although M.B. tried to work out things with him, he always ended up running away and he finally took the other girl over her. So my reasoning is that she holds this grudge against guys and she saw that my girl and me were happy, so she was always against us. It was only a matter of time until my girl cracked under her influence, which she did and now she claims that I need this girl's approval in order for us to date again, without mentioning other factors too. I do think that's childish beyond belief, and the sad part is I know she's better than that, but she has surrounded by all this girls and from here, I can't do much.

 

I do feel and embrace myself and I do want to change, I'm actually glad this happened because I had to open my eyes sooner or later, and I'm sorry again it had to be her. I'm not perfect nor will I ever be, but I want to be better and achieve happiness. My life has been running so far on auto-pilot, I do things because I have to do them, or tennis, it pays me, but after all this time, it isn't fun anymore. For once, even for a brief time, I found in her something that motivated me. My intentions were and are there, but its my lack of directions that prevented me from succeeding. I have a long road ahead of me, but I can't act like nothing ever happened, she did and for whatever reason, she was put in my way. Fate, destiny, coincidence, call it whatever you wanna call it, but there's a reason why this happened. Truth to be told, before her I was pretty much the same guy before and after my relationships, I guess I never cared enough.

 

All this is thinking after I've done a conscious evaluation of myself and what I want. I finally learned that true happiness is achieve by sharing with people what you cherish the most. I was selfish but my time of change has come, or else, if she was really over, as in NO CHANCE, then she wouldn't reach right?

[broforce22]

anyone else care to make any other comment/ opinion about this ?