SilverFactory Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Around 3 months back I tried Online Dating for the first time. I put up my profile on OKC and Match and sent out lot of messages to many women. They were not just random messages but well thought messages after reading their profile. Anyway, I did not get any responses. After sending hundreds of messages finally one girl responded in Match. We started communicating and things went well. She seemed nice. I then asked her out for coffee and she agreed. The first date went well. She said she is a cusp and her birthday was coming up. I hugged and kissed her (on the lips) at the end of the first date. She lives a bit far from me... around 2 hours drive so we could only meet once in 2 weeks. The second date was 2 weeks later and this date also went fine. I kissed her a lot. We also started texting and talking over the phone. But I did notice that it was always me that called or texted or emailed her. She was just responding to my messages. She was sweet and flirty but only responding. She had texted me first exactly 2 times only. After the second date there was again a two week wait before we could meet. During the second date she said that her link removed subscription expired. Apparently she was there on a trial. Mine was a 3 month subscription. For the third date I drove 2 hours to her place and this date also went very well. I got her a small gift and took her out for a very nice dinner. During the date I mentioned about her birthday and she was very surprised and said "we have known each other for only a few weeks and you already remember my birthday?". Is it wrong to remember birthdays? In general I have very good memory power and it was not too difficult to remember her birthday. I also told her that I had purchased tickets for a cruise to celebrate her birthday. She was very surprised, happy, and thanked me repeatedly. Anyway, the date went well. We kissed a lot and also held hands. Again after a 2 week gap our fourth date is supposed to happen this sunday. Here is the thing though. After the 3rd date she went silent!! I noticed very subtle changes but nevertheless they were there. Once again it was me that was texting/calling her and she only responded and this time around the responses sounded a bit formal. They were not flirty like her previous texts. Yesterday night I logged into link removed. My subscription is ending tomorrow and I just wanted to spend some time on the site before my subscriptions ends. And there she was.... this girl is back there with the same picture and profile. She already used the trial subscription so she must have paid this time and taken a 3 month subscription at the minimum. I have to say that I am shocked to see her back there. What does this mean? I feel confused. Our date is on Sunday. Should I talk to her or anything?? Link to comment
soybeans Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Perhaps purchasing cruise tickets for her birthday after only having three dates scared her off, and understandably so. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 17, 2011 Author Share Posted June 17, 2011 Perhaps purchasing cruise tickets for her birthday after only having three dates scared her off, and understandably so. Scared her? In what way?? What should I do now? Link to comment
tmtex Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Scared her? In what way?? What should I do now? 6 months down the road, ok maybe i could see you getting cruise tickets. 3 dates and one reason could be "Hey this guy thinks he is going to nail me on that boat" Link to comment
arrakis77 Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 What should I do now? Back waaaaay off. She's not initiating anything and probably wants to keep it casual/play the field. She knows how to reach you if she's actually interested. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 17, 2011 Author Share Posted June 17, 2011 6 months down the road, ok maybe i could see you getting cruise tickets. 3 dates and one reason could be "Hey this guy thinks he is going to nail me on that boat" Ok so I did too much too soon. I actually got a great deal in link removed for the tickets and purchased it. Later I thought why don't I use it for this girl's birthday... But here is the thing though - even before she knew about the cruise tickets she was very "surprised" that I remembered her birthday. Link to comment
Cadence44 Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 She's a player What? OP, I wouldn't read into her not initiating contact during the time where you are still getting to know one another. The important thing is that she was flirty and responsive. Some women leave it up to the guy to pursue during this stage, and it sounds like that's what she was doing. If she made effort to keep conversations going, then it means she likes you. I agree with soybeans that you probably came on too strong. She's stopped responding to you and is back on the website because she wants to date other guys. It's fine to remember her birthday but you guys are still getting to know one another so buying cruise tickets (and I hope it was just a dinner cruise and not a vacation-type cruise) is farrrr too much for someone who is not her boyfriend. I doubt it had anything to do with feeling pressured about sex, but more about too much too soon. Remember that women are like men too in terms of feeling pressured. I know that you really like this girl, but if it were someone else you'd probably be a little scared if someone brought you a gift on the third date and also bought something for your birthday that required you to see her again. It's just making too many assumptions and that scares people off. Learn from the mistakes that you've made here. Life is not a romantic comedy, and often times bestowing gifts on someone before you are exclusive makes them head for the hills rather than fall for you. Generally, people will be most attracted to you if you don't make assumptions and your attitude is that you are still getting to know one another and deciding if you like the other person. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 17, 2011 Author Share Posted June 17, 2011 The gift is a $8 small purse that you can use to put change and the cruise is a 2 hr sail. Ok. So I already made a mistake An update - the cruise is actually not going to happen. Even though I have the tickets they said that I need to make a reservation 3 weeks in advance. So I told her 'sorry we can't do the cruise as planned but I still like to take you out for your birthday. we will go to a movie and do dinner'. The date has been planned for Sunday. I do not wish to cancel it now and go back on my word. I will take her out on Sunday and then probably go silent after that. Does that sound good? Link to comment
arrakis77 Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 The date has been planned for Sunday. I do not wish to cancel it now and go back on my word. I will take her out on Sunday and then probably go silent after that. Does that sound good? Sounds like a good plan. Keep things light and fun, no serious business or it will scare her. When you part, tell her to call you next time she wants to get together and leave. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 17, 2011 Author Share Posted June 17, 2011 Sounds like a good plan. Keep things light and fun, no serious business or it will scare her. When you part, tell her to call you next time she wants to get together and leave. I don't think I am going to ask her to call me. I am just going to say good night and leave and just go silent. Link to comment
arrakis77 Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I don't think I am going to ask her to call me. I am just going to say good night and leave and just go silent. That's an option too. You'll have to decide if she's just playing around or expecting you to do all the initiation for now. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 If she's still up for the date on Sunday, why not go? It may give you a chance to get this back on track. Even a 2 hour cruise is too much for a third date birthday. Buying her dinner and maybe a single flower would have been fine. The purse and cruise was over the top and no doubt scared her away. If you see her on Sunday, explain to her you about the incredible deal with the cruise and the 3 week advance reservation issue, as a bit of damage control, and then drop it. Don't mention rescheduling. If she's interested, she'll pursue it with you. You've smothered her - so now it's time to back away and give her some air. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 17, 2011 Author Share Posted June 17, 2011 If she's still up for the date on Sunday, why not go? It may give you a chance to get this back on track. Even a 2 hour cruise is too much for a third date birthday. Buying her dinner and maybe a single flower would have been fine. The purse and cruise was over the top and no doubt scared her away. If you see her on Sunday, explain to her you about the incredible deal with the cruise and the 3 week advance reservation issue, as a bit of damage control, and then drop it. Don't mention rescheduling. If she's interested, she'll pursue it with you. You've smothered her - so now it's time to back away and give her some air. I realize my mistakes I sent her an email and explained about the reservation and why we cannot do the cruise as planned. I did not talk about rescheduling. I just told her that I still like to take her out for her birthday and suggested movie and dinner. She is fine with that and said thanks. That's where it stands now. My plan is to take her to the movie as planned but 'disappear' after that date. I feel a bit humiliated.... If she wants me let her come to me. Link to comment
soybeans Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I realize my mistakes I sent her an email and explained about the reservation and why we cannot do the cruise as planned. I did not talk about rescheduling. I just told her that I still like to take her out for her birthday and suggested movie and dinner. She is fine with that and said thanks. That's where it stands now. My plan is to take her to the movie as planned but 'disappear' after that date. I feel a bit humiliated.... If she wants me let her come to me. You're getting too ahead of yourself here. You shouldn't have any expectations or "plans" this early into dating. The good news is that you still have the date for Sunday so go into it with an open mind now. Just take it one step at a time. I mean, why even waste her time if you're planning to disappear? It's sounds like game-playing to me. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Don't feel humiliated. We're all works in progress. The smarter among us learn from our mistakes and move on. It sounds like you're getting this thing back on track. If Sunday goes well, I would back off, but I wouldn't disappear. You've been pursuing to this point. If you disappear, she'll just be confused and likely to misinterpret your actions - again. Think of this as making an adjustment, slow and steady - no monumental shifts are required. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 17, 2011 Author Share Posted June 17, 2011 Don't feel humiliated. We're all works in progress. The smarter among us learn from our mistakes and move on. It sounds like you're getting this thing back on track. If Sunday goes well, I would back off, but I wouldn't disappear. You've been pursuing to this point. If you disappear, she'll just be confused and likely to misinterpret your actions - again. Think of this as making an adjustment, slow and steady - no monumental shifts are required. What is the difference between 'backing off' and 'disappearing'? When I said I want to disappear I meant I will not send her any more texts/emails or call her. Nor will I ask her for another date. Basically I will just remain silent. Link to comment
Cadence44 Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I think your plan sounds like a good one. Keep the date light and fun, and don't apologize anymore. You've done that and now it's time to let her see what she'll be missing out on. Don't bring up anything that might be unpleasant or a reminder of what happened. If she brings it up just smile, joke about it and change the subject. Give her some breathing room and she may come back around. Definitely let her contact you, and yes, I'd just leave and not say anything about the future or tell her to call you. She will know enough to pursue you if she wants to. It's probably not going to be immediate because she'll need some time to miss you. Don't feel humiliated! We have all done things that still bring about the facepalms when you think of them. You're a good guy and you'll find happiness. Just keep in mind that dating is a bit of a dance. People tend to value what they have to work for so even if you like someone remember to hold back a little. Once things are exclusive, then you can start being your super-considerate self and giving little gifts if that's what you like to do. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 17, 2011 Author Share Posted June 17, 2011 Thanks Cadence One question - During the past 3 dates I kissed her a lot. Should I continue in the 4th date? or should I refrain from touching/kissing her?? Is kissing a lot during the initial dates also considered smothering? I get confused because some people even have sex by the 3rd or 4th date. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 What is the difference between 'backing off' and 'disappearing'? When I said I want to disappear I meant I will not send her any more texts/emails or call her. Nor will I ask her for another date. Basically I will just remain silent. When you're on the date, keep doing what you've been doing. If she's receptive, touching and kissing is good. Unlike backing away when she feels smothered, willingness to touch and kiss is a good emotional response. What you described above would be disappearing. Like I mentioned, you've been the pursuer to this point, so if you "disappear," the chances of her taking that role right now are slim. By backing off, you simply reduce contact. If you were contacting her everyday, reduce it to 2 - 3 times a week. If you were contacting her 2 - 3 times a week, reduce it to once, maybe twice a week. I think that because she's agreed to see you again, you're still in the game. If the date goes really well, and things seem back to normal, feel free to ask her out again in the same manner you have before. But stick with reduced contact for a while. Oh yeah, and no more gifts for a while either. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 17, 2011 Author Share Posted June 17, 2011 Thanks for a good post. I can reduce contact but it does bother me that so far I have always been the one to inittiate contact. I am not sure how long I can keep doing this even if it means only 1 or 2 times a week. Shouldn't the woman do some work? Also I am not sure if I have to be the one to ask her for a date one more time. All the 4 dates were initiated by me. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 That is something else you should consider in the near future. I'm thinking that perhaps because you are 2 hours away from each other, she may have less enthusiasm than she would otherwise. LDR's are hard. Has she ever come to your area, or met you half way? Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 17, 2011 Author Share Posted June 17, 2011 That is something else you should consider in the near future. I'm thinking that perhaps because you are 2 hours away from each other, she may have less enthusiasm than she would otherwise. LDR's are hard. Has she ever come to your area, or met you half way? She works in a city that is 2 hours drive from my place. But her family (parents) live in a city that is right next to mine. Once in a while she comes to visit her family. The first 2 times we met she was visiting her family. During the second date I told her that next time I will come to her place. She was so happy that I was willing to drive 2 hours to her place for the third date. But unfortunately it was during that third date that the whole birthday celebration talk thing [cruise] happened Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 JUST FYI - three date does not equal a cancellation from a dating site. You may like her and she may like you but why would she desire to be exclusive after 3 dates? If you find yourself spending a majority of your free time with one another then perhaps after 3 months of constant dating where you know there is no one else at the time for either of you then ask about exclusivity and turning off the online dating profiles. Anything before that is just not being realistic. You sound like a nice guy... good luck on your dates! Link to comment
Lanyru Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Dude, you're fine. Just relaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax. Have fun on the date. Keep things light. You haven't scared her way yet. Learn from your mistakes, you can still salvage this. I'll be rooting for ya. Let us know how it goes Link to comment
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