Slept with a hot chick the last two nights but it really didn't help much...

[Live-N-Learn]

I know I should not be dating but a friend called me and asked me to come over to his friends birthday party for a bit. I went over there and the birthday girl was house sitting her parents awesome 2.5 million dollar house on the golf course. She and I hit it off and by the end of the night she was asking me to spend the night and we had sex. She made me breakfast in the morning and asked me to come back that night. I don't know why but I went back and we swam in the pool and I spent the night again having sex with her. I left today and came home.

 

She is not at all clingy or hung up on me and I am pretty sure would be fine if I decided not to see her again. I doubt she would be crushed or anything like that. I think she was just out for a good time and is not really looking for a relationship. She is a nice girl but after spending two days with her I am pretty sure she is not my type. She is 34 I am 49.

 

I have real mixed emotions about it. On the one hand it was really nice to be with someone that I did not have to be chasing and pining after like I did my ex after we broke up. We were both comfortable and had a good time. It was great kissing her and snuggling with her knowing she wanted to be with me.

 

On the other hand the sex was nowhere near as good as it was with my ex and I started missing my ex. I don't miss my ex anymore accept for the sex.

 

I really hope someday I can meet someone that I really like as a person that I can also have great sex with. I know I need both to be happy in a relationship....ugh...I hate that the sex was so good with my ex! ](*,)

[MakeItCount]

So the only reason you don't think this girl is your type is because of the sex? Really man? How about the fact she didn't try and poison your breakfast, she didn't cling onto you, she didn't lead you on, you had a great time with her, she's a sweet girl by the sounds of it? You gotta get past just the sex man, spend some time with this girl and see what it's like to be treated like a human being..

[sfindependent]

There's certain avenues you can take trying to get over your ex, as much as you've read here. Some people advice sleeping with other women, some advice dating, some advice whatever.

 

I started sleeping around during the initial period of the BU, but theni realized that it's not healthy for me. I chose to be celibate for a month, even turning down this one HAWWWWT girl who just wanted to be fwb. i mean, turned her down, hard. it was better than having sex with her. It was an ego boost that i turned down a woman, hot as she was. But it was also about myself control and self awareness. I knew i wasn't ready. I knew my heart wasn't in the right place.

 

Be aware of what you're doing, and the consequences of what your actions will be; to you and to other people.

 

goodluck.

[Live-N-Learn]

So the only reason you don't think this girl is your type is because of the sex? Really man? How about the fact she didn't try and poison your breakfast, she didn't cling onto you, she didn't lead you on, you had a great time with her, she's a sweet girl by the sounds of it? You gotta get past just the sex man, spend some time with this girl and see what it's like to be treated like a human being..

 

Let me clarify, it was not just because the sex was not as good as with the ex. This girl and I connected to an extent but I could tell she was not really my type. I know I say the sex was great with my ex and it was. However we also had this chemistry when we talked that I just can not explain. I have never been able to so be myself with anyone like I was with my ex. We just played off each other and laughed so much. That is why the ex kept coming back and never let me go for 11 months post breakup. There was truly something special between us even though she did not want me back as her bf.

 

I really need to stop sleeping with anyone until I feel this connection again like I had with my ex outside of bed.

 

Maybe there is something wrong with me. I don't want a girl like my ex cuz she is not good for me. But I want a classy girl that cares about me like I care about her that I can connect with like I did the ex. Make sense?

 

I won't go into all the details but the girl I was with def has some issues and is not someone I would want to be with in a relationship. I figured that out after spending two days with her. Trust me on this one, I know what I am talking about.

[Cadence44]

"Hot chick" and it "didn't help"?

 

LNL, get your priorities straight. You're acting like a teenager with the way you place value on things. Instead of being excited about sleeping with a conventionally attractive girl as if you were collecting trophies, how about seeking someone with whom you have an emotional connection? It would be best for you to hold off on sleeping together too, since you seem to also act like a teenager in how you get turned off from a woman after you've slept with her. You seem to like the chase and mindf*ck more than anything else and that's gonna get you nowhere fast.

[Eocsor]

It takes time to find someone you are compatible with. If finding someone was really easy we'd all be happy campers. It's going to take time, thats all. As you know by now, meaningless sex isn't going to make you feel better. I did that myself for a bit but it doesn't help. Just keep trying to meet people that might interest you. Eventually you will click with someone.

[sfindependent]

take her down from her pedestal, man.

 

she maybe a great woman, but she aint great for you. you're numbah one brother. not her.

 

if she's number one, and you place her in front of you, you're leading the wrong kind of life. lead your own life not hers.

 

reminiscing is great, i do that to no end. i miss the sweet gal who i came home to everyday. who made sure i was rested for my work the next day. who slept on my chest and told me she loved me. that was then. you're gone man. you've left that place and now have the opportunity to lead a great life, without her. if you want to share it with her, thinking it is fine. doing it is different.you don't want to share your life with a woman who doesnt want a part of it. nothing wrong with that. you're money as it is and she may see you differently but who cares? you're living your own life the way YOU want it. in 50 years she'll die, you'll die. would you want to leave this world knowing you lived a life of pining and thinking about her, instead of YOURSELF? it would be differnt if she cared, but she doesn't. so what if she doesn't care? she's just a familiar face among the other faces you've met.

 

At the end of the day, its more comforting to know i did things for me (and for people who reciprocate the love that i have and give) rather than give it to someone who doesn't know how to give it back.

 

live YOUR life. take her off that pedestal. your life is no one else's business, just the same way as hers. if you connected with her, you'lll connect with someone else in time.

[Live-N-Learn]

"Hot chick" and it "didn't help"?

 

LNL, get your priorities straight. You're acting like a teenager with the way you place value on things. Instead of being excited about sleeping with a conventionally attractive girl as if you were collecting trophies, how about seeking someone with whom you have an emotional connection? It would be best for you to hold off on sleeping together too, since you seem to also act like a teenager in how you get turned off from a woman after you've slept with her. You seem to like the chase and mindf*ck more than anything else and that's gonna get you nowhere fast.

 

I am not trying to collect trophies. I truly want to meet someone that I can have a strong connection with outside of bed. Her and I did connect on some levels but not enough to want to continue seeing her. I saw things about her that I just did not like and know it will not work. I am not basing the desire to not be with her solely on the sex not being as good as with the ex.

 

As for being turned off after having sex with her...I want the whole package a strong connection in bed and out. I am not into the chase as you put it or into any head games. You are way off base.

[Tired Tiger]

How about the fact she didn't try and poison your breakfast,

 

Well, that he knows of, anyway. Some of that stuff is slow release.

[Live-N-Learn]

take her down from her pedestal, man.

 

I hear what you are saying and don't think I really have the ex that high on the pedestal any longer. I just know there was this connection I had with her that I want again with someone. I will not settle down with anyone until I feel it again. Yes it may be different and I am sure it will be better in many ways. But if I don't feel it I am not going to get into a relationship with a girl. I will agree that having sex without knowing if I really connect with the girl like I want to is a bad idea and I need to stop doing it.

[Live-N-Learn]

Well, that he knows of, anyway. Some of that stuff is slow release.

 

Now that's funny!

[Live-N-Learn]

meaningless sex isn't going to make you feel better. I did that myself for a bit but it doesn't help.

 

You are correct. To be honest I had some connection with her but after spending two days with her realized there was not a strong enough connection. Too much stuff about her bothered me. Again, I need to wait until I have a meaningful connection before jumping in bed with them.

[RedDress]

Honestly? I think you are still hung up on your ex. You are comparing them... you are talking about the connection to the ex... the sex with the ex... I really don't think this has anything to do with this new girl, the connection you feel to her or anything else. It has to do with your feelings for your ex. No one will match up to her right now. No one.

 

I feel for the 'new' woman. No... she may not be clingy... but I am sure she is hopeful! I think you are underestimating how your actions affect other people. But... who knows... maybe she doesn't care at all as you say. But it's rare.

 

I think you should be taking some time to yourself to figure out what it is that you want. If you go on comparing everyone with your ex you'll never be happy. You cannot have HER eliminating the bad and keeping the good. You will find someone completely different with different sets of good and bad...

[Live-N-Learn]

RedDress, may I ask you a question? I talked about the chemistry my ex and I had in and out of bed and that is was the best I have ever had. How do people ever get over that and be happy with someone else? Do you have to settle for a more rounded relationship and just realize you will just never have that level of connection again? Do you have to totally change as a person with different priorities?

[dodgedabullet]

Wow? Since when did it happen that you and the ex had this great emotional connection? I think you made that one up in your head over the past couple of months cause many a time on here you said that she basically was a party girl and a great lay. An emotional connection would be built on intellectual connection or a rapport with someone. Pretty hard to build rapport with a ditz who only has alcohol and getting laid on her mind.

[dodgedabullet]

Oh another thing. This random sleeping around with "hot chicks" as you called the last one, makes you no better than your ex.

 

A little lesson about our vibrations as human beings. What we do in life is carried in our auras or our vibrations. If you cheapen yourself and indulge in mindless sex, you are also weakening your vibration. That quality woman that you hope to meet someday is not going to be attracted to you if your vibration doesn't match hers. You say you want a quality woman? Well then that means you have to be a quality man. Like attracts like. You keep having meaningless sex will just mean that you will keep attracting negative energy in your life.

 

A self-actualized woman isn't going to date someone who is focused on base physical needs like your ex does or what you apparently have been doing of late.

[Live-N-Learn]

Wow? Since when did it happen that you and the ex had this great emotional connection?

 

All I am saying is that we did laugh a lot and have a certain connection/chemistry that I have never had with anyone else. It was not a full connection and there was a lot missing like emotional intimacy or any real depth. I was speaking of the joking, fun and ease in which we could talk on certain topics. She could not share her feelings and that is not what I was trying to describe.

[Live-N-Learn]

Oh another thing. This random sleeping around with "hot chicks" as you called the last one, makes you no better than your ex.

 

A little lesson about our vibrations as human beings. What we do in life is carried in our auras or our vibrations. If you cheapen yourself and indulge in mindless sex, you are also weakening your vibration. That quality woman that you hope to meet someday is not going to be attracted to you if your vibration doesn't match hers. You say you want a quality woman? Well then that means you have to be a quality man. Like attracts like. You keep having meaningless sex will just mean that you will keep attracting negative energy in your life.

 

A self-actualized woman isn't going to date someone who is focused on base physical needs like your ex does or what you apparently have been doing of late.

 

You make some very valid points and I agree with everything you have said. Thanks. I have a lot of growing to do apparently and need to stop seeking out "momentary gratification" since it clearly is not working and won't get me the type of woman I want long term.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Honestly, I think you sound immature for your age. If you are actually as immature as you present yourself here, a mature woman close to your age won't have much in common with you. And usually when a "non-crazy" young woman dates older men, it's because she is attracted to his maturity/wisdom. I agree with other posters, you have to get your priorities straight and perhaps grow up a little.

 

And what exactly was it that you were attracted to in your ex? If it was her youth and being crazy in bed, there are lots of young crazy girls that might date you, you might just have to spend money on them and deal with their endless dramas.

[Live-N-Learn]

Honestly, I think you sound immature for your age. If you are actually as immature as you present yourself here, a mature woman close to your age won't have much in common with you. And usually when a "non-crazy" young woman dates older men, it's because she is attracted to his maturity/wisdom. I agree with other posters, you have to get your priorities straight and perhaps grow up a little.

 

And what exactly was it that you were attracted to in your ex? If it was her youth and being crazy in bed, there are lots of young crazy girls that might date you, you might just have to spend money on them and deal with their endless dramas.

 

Ok I get it. Yes, I have had a rough few years and have been running with the wrong crowd and have lost myself. None of you have walked in my shoes or been through what I have been through these past 3 years. I am not making excuses for my attitude or actions but agree that it is time to grow up some and get back to being me before my divorce or my ex gf.

 

Damn, it's hard to hear the truth but I do appreciate the candor even though it hurts.

[Cadence44]

Ok I get it. Yes, I have had a rough few years and have been running with the wrong crowd and have lost myself. None of you have walked in my shoes or been through what I have been through these past 3 years. I am not making excuses for my attitude or actions but agree that it is time to grow up some and get back to being me before my divorce or my ex gf.

 

Damn, it's hard to hear the truth but I do appreciate the candor even though it hurts.

 

LNL, that's what we're here for - to point out what you can't see. You can't see how you are sabotaging chances at happiness. Everyone knows that you are a good guy who's lost himself somewhere along the line.

 

I really think that it's best that you get out of this clubbing type of mindset. I get that it was fun and took you away from your problems but you're still returning to it to hang out with younger friends. Those friends are the type that would high-five you upon reading a title like "slept with a hot chick". You need to be able to find happiness in more age-appropriate venues where shallowness isn't valued because it is clear that you're having trouble leaving that mindset behind you.

 

If you're looking for that fun banter that you had with your ex, you need to date in a way where you can let something like that develop. I can banter with the best of them, but I'm a bit shy to open up with new people. Go on dates with women who have similar values to you and DO NOT sleep with them. For you, jumping into bed too early leads to a loss of interest. You have to give some time for things to develop and not allow sex to be in the picture until you care about one another.

 

You can find fun, hot chicks and sex any day of the week but to find a real connection with someone requires depth, working to continuously improve yourself, and creating environments where that connection can grow. You can get there if you start creating some boundaries for yourself.

[Live-N-Learn]

Thanks Cadence, that is really wise and solid advice. I am def struggling to let go of the momentary gratification and happiness these young party friends provide me. Truthfully, I am not happy or satisfied. I have to shut off all my cognitive thinking and lower myself to their communication style. I hear what you are saying and I need to let go of these people, they are not serving me well. I just struggle because I do not have any other friends yet and I get lonely and go out with them. I need to find a way to meet more mature fun people in my town. This feels like such an uphill battle and it is hard for me to not get discouraged and give into to invites from this young crowd.

 

I have met one really nice lady that is 40 that has her act together and seems really nice. We went out once and had a lot of fun. I plan to go out with her again in a few weeks. I don't want to blow it with her and will not try to sleep with her. I doubt she would anyways and if she did I would be disappointed. I think she is better than that. Now I need to work hard to get to her level or a level where I can attract the right kinda lady. Thanks

[Live-N-Learn]

I have thought a lot about what has been said on this thread and realize I really need to put my mind to it and make some positive changes. Here are a couple of positive things I have done since my last post to get started.

 

Called a gentlemen in a men's bible study group I used to attend and left him a message. I asked if I could come back to the group. They are a really good group of men that meet each Monday night and do quite a few activities together.

 

I committed to go on a float trip in two weeks with some friends that are not party animals but like to have healthy fun

 

I booked a plane ticket to go see some friends my age in Dallas and spend the Labor Day weekend with them

 

In addition I am going to try to keep an open mind and try new things even if I don't think they will interest me.

 

I will attend a few local meet up groups

Take up fishing

Start golfing again

 

I have my kids this weekend and I am going to take them swimming and to a museum.

 

What I will not do is:

 

Keep in contact with all the young party people

Stop drinking so much

Stop sleeping with young women

 

I really want and need to make these changes. It won't be easy but it is time. Enough is enough.

 

Thanks for all the support and tough love. LNL

[Live-N-Learn]

I can't believe how I am feeling right now. I feel like such a fool for the way I have lived my life for the past 2 years or so. My wife and I divorced and she married a guy 30 days later leaving me in this new town we moved to all alone. My kids were gone and she remarried and living 2 hours away. I can't tell you how empty and lost I felt all alone after 10 years of a stable lifestyle. I'm not saying my marriage was great but it was a fairly healthy routine. I was not out partying or anything like that. I was home every night after work eating dinner with the kids, giving them baths and putting them to bed with a prayer and a kiss.

 

When she left I did not know what to do, I was lost. I started going out drinking and met some young people and that is how it all started. They really liked me and I started to feel alive again. The next thing I knew I had met what I thought was a pretty cool guy in his 20's. He introduced me to some younger girls and one of them really liked me. I think she was about 24. We started having sex and I got hooked. We partied are butts off for the next 6 months. Yes, I was running from my pain but at the time it felt good. Then we stopped going out and I met my ex, she was bueatiful, full of life and made me feel really good. She was 27. I fell head over heals for her and she was a big partier. I was totally caught up in the life style and all my friends now were in there mid 20's and early 30's. They were all just like her.

 

Then we broke up and the group fell apart, again I felt lost and alone and panicked. Her and I were so dysfunctional. She would not let me go after breaking up and kept me around as the back up guy. She would call me all the time to hang out and tell me how much she cared about me. I just could not do what I needed to do and that was to get away from her. This went on for 11 months with her sleeping with me around 10 or 15 times. I was partying all the time and my life was still a wreck. Then she decided no more sleeping together and I lost it. I wrecked 5 cars while out partying with her and still could not find the strength to let go.

 

I knew I needed to get my act together but I just could not find the strength. Then in Febuary I finally cut her off. This had multiple side effects since most of the friends all knew both of us. I tried to pull back from some of them but it has been hard. Most of them I dropped but some I kept. That was a big mistake. I can now see that even though she is not in my life I really am in the same place. I have not taken anytime to get away from all of them and rebuild my life after my divorce.

 

I have made so many bad decisions. Lived the life of a fool and have paid the price both emotionally and financially.

 

I now must break away and rebuild my life. I can no longer look to these young people to feel better because it clearly is not working.

 

I have two wonderful kids that I get to see every other weekend and I need to grow up and be a better dad and man. They brought me fathers day cards and a gift. They are so awesome. My priorities are so messed up right now. I hope I can do it this time. I know that living as I have been is getting me nowhere.

 

I am actually afraid of myself. I have proven that I have poor judgement and give into to easily to momentary happiness which leaves me empty. I really do not know what is wrong with me and I don't even respect myself. I kind of despise myself and hate myself for being so weak.

 

I am going to go to therapy and hope that I can somehow pull myself out of the huge hole I have dug for myself.

 

I have never partied like this in my life and don't even know myself anymore. I hope this is a turning point for me. I just can't live like this anymore. I hope I can find the patience and strength to do what is right. I really do want a good life and to be happy again. I have fallen so far. You wouldn't believe me if I told you I used to be a missionary and walked close to God. That is all gone. I did not even sleep with a girl from the time I was 26 to 36 when I got married for 10 years.

 

I can see why everyone thinks I am immature and an idiot. It's because I have been. I feel like it has been the perfect storm that past few years and I need out.

 

Thanks for listening LNL. Just feel like I want to cry. I have ruined my life and don't even respect myself anymore.

[twitchyfingers]

I don't think anyone thinks you're an idiot (well, I sure don't).

 

And there's no reason to hate on yourself for the choices you made the past few years. You went out, you got a little wild, you got burned; but you also had fun, and it got you through a rough patch. It's living and learning and being human, right?

 

So now, you're actively choosing a different route. That's awesome. Whatever you need to figure out about your own values, and what you want in a partner, you can do now. Don't think too much about your age or where you think you "should" be...just relax and work with what you have on your plate right now.

 

I do want to be nosy about one thing. You mentioned wrecking five cars. Are there some booze issues here that are biting you in the butt? I'm not some sort of Sobriety Nanny or anything...but backing off the partying (as you say you are doing) will definitely keep the drama down.

 

Hang in there, man!