three's a crowd

[Cmaj7th]

so for over a year I've had feelings for my best friend, we'll call her A. I've been battling depression for a couple of years that none of my friends or family know about because I'm very active and friendly and I don't really talking about my issues. A has known the whole time though and really done everything she could do be there for me. I've never met someone besides blood that cared about me so genuinely. I'm a handful at times, I can come off as very arrogant and calloused but she always just calls me out and stands by me anyway.

 

I found out a little bit ago she had feelings too. I tried to push the thought out of my mind because she's the ex of my friend, we'll call him B. Her and B started dating in B's senior year of highschool and broke up after his freshman year of college. A and B have not been friends since they broke up. B is korean and A is white and B very openly tells people in front of her he would never date another white girl because of their lack of respect for males and inability to do domestic duties. he's said this in front of her quite a few times and it's killed their friendship.

 

now normally I would never consider dating a friend's ex. my group of friends, about six guys, are more of a brotherhood than a friendship. I would do anything for any of them and I have. but although B has that relationship with the rest of the guys, I haven't since we graduated highschool. he's one of those friends that you're close to in highschool and realize once in the adult world that you're not compatible. for the last two years I have cringed whenever he comes to events. he's obnoxious as hell and I don't respect choices he makes. we were going to take a trip to europe this summer and he saved up over a grand as a starter. when a few of us said we couldn't go and the trip was cancelled he had gambled all the money away in a matter of months. he also is a leech on his parents and they're in financial turmoil. he's flunked out of the expensive university he was at for two years while his parents have suffered through events so tragic I dare not repeat them. they're ruining their credit and losing assets for his education and yet he chooses to work a minimum wage job at a yogurt stand saying he cant work a more stable job in school. therefore he has much less money to spend on himself causing his family more anguish and they really are on the brink of financial destruction. he's about to turn 21.

 

he also sells weed on and off, and did so for a year while in school because he refused to get a job. he's been trying to sell fake electronics on ebay for profit too, he really wants money in anyway that's not actual work. long before the conversations Ive had with A recently I have thought in my head I would be happier if B were not in my life. but at the same time he is a loyal friend to me, I do not like his personality and thats a fact but he has good character. I don't like hanging out with him and we seldom do, but I dont want to burn the bridge and I dont want to hurt him.

 

so I talked to him about it. I told him one day in person that I like A, that I've done so for a long time and I asked if it would upset him. I told him I wanted to know how he really felt so things wouldnt get out of hand. he assured me that while it was a little weird for him he did not care and he encouraged me to pursue A.

 

a few hours later he texted me saying he changes his mind and needs more time to think. I told him thats fine and asked if he was okay and if there was an issue. he told me no he just needs to think. I had a bbq at my house a couple days later which he was invited to. he said he might go to new york that day but didnt know, I said just give me a heads up on his plans. he went to new york without telling me and hasnt contacted me since.

yesterday one of my close friends told me B is really pissed at me. he said that I had betrayed him and he would never go after my EXs. but I wouldnt care if any of them did, and fact one of them had. a few summers ago we all rented out a beach house for a week. I caught one of my guys in bed naked with my ex girlfriend, the same one who has rejected me a few months earlier. I just fell on my butt laughing when I saw it, they hooked up the rest of the week and I was 100% fine with it and my friend never even talked to me about it first. we all hung out all week and there were zero issues.

 

infact B actually encouraged the friend who got with my ex to pursue A. B went to A about it too saying hes a good guy and they should date. both A and my other friend never were very close or showed interest in one another and thought it was weird that B was encouraging that they date, they never did. I also am wondering why he went out of his way to encourage my other friend to date her but is getting so upset when I asked him.

 

now my other friends in the group are telling me I shouldnt go for A because of B. and while if it were any of them I wouldnt because I value their friendship so much I really wouldnt care if me and B werent friends. In fact I would prefer it. but at the same time I dont want to burn the bridge or piss off the rest of my friends. and I dont want our friendship to end this way. but since A has been my best friend for a long time, someone I talk to everyday and probably the person I share the most intimacy with, I wonder if my undesirable friendship with B is strong enough that Id sacrifice possibly something really genuine and special with A.

 

am I in the wrong? should I just leave her alone?

[oldenoughtoknow]

I think your "brotherhood" is creating a lot of drama over a very simple thing. I would guess that B still has strong feelings for A. You didn't mention who broke up with who, but given that B has openly talked badly about her is pretty telling. There's a chance he might want her back, but I'd bet he wants her to be miserable. When B encouraged another friend to go out with A, I would guess it's because he knows the friend has tendencies that wouldn't make A happy - she would wind up hurt. Just another piece of his obsession.

 

I don't think you're in the wrong. It sounds like B is far from your favorite member of the brotherhood. If B wants her, then he should stop acting like a 2 year old and pursue her. And the rest of the brotherhood needs to wake up and see this for what it is, and stop taking sides. If they can't do that, well, maybe they're not as good of friends as you thought.

[Cmaj7th]

thank you for responding. I don't think he likes her, he was the one who dumped her. and I do think he now looks down on white women because like I said he doesnt think they know how to treat men and is very open about that. he might like her but considering how he views white females now and how they havent talked since he dumped her I dont know how he could.

 

but yeah our group of guys is causing me a headache. thats why I havent considered dating A before because I didnt want to stir things up with all of them. its just hard because you can't fight your biology and her and I have formed a psuedo relationship without trying. our friendship is that intimate, even though we dont kiss or show affection physically we have an extremely developed emotional relationship. I just wish B would be honest with me as a man and tell me how he feels.