The woman of my dreams can't deal with the change of being in a relationship.

[iamnotacrook]

We started talking about two months ago, and over the course of about 2 weeks i already knew i really liked this girl.

about a week later we went to a party and I had a little too much to drink so she drove me to her place where I had parked to sober up.

I laid down in her bed. She laid next to me and we talked.

Then in the most wonderful moment she said in a little voice, "(my name), can you hold me?"

I replied, I could, but I have to tell you first, I really really like you. Like a lot. I know she replied. It scares me how much I like you.

We laid in bed in each other's arms and fell asleep, no sex. It was beautiful. I have never been able to fall asleep with someone like that before as i have space

issues when i sleep.

Then for a week, we went on "seeing" each other. We hiked, we drank beer, we texted every day, she introduced me to some of her more favored students at a

school fair.

and then on a Friday the 13th, I told her i wanted to be official on a hill in La Jolla, she said "It's about time!" and I kissed her, and she kissed me.

Bliss.

Over the course of the next month, I had the most accelerated and breath taking time I have ever had.

Every thing i learned about her, made me feel closer.

Every flaw I saw brought me closer to falling for her.

I never smiled so often before, everytime we hung out, my cheeks ended up being sore.

But I loved every second of it.

I was there whenever her mom made her sad. And she was there whenever my dad made me sad.

I was there when her best friend went to jail.

And every day I felt closer to her.

Every time the phone vibrated I would check it to see if she was texting me.

When it was her, I'd smile.

When it wasn't her, I'd wonder if she was thinking of me.

We made so many plans in that wonderfully terrible month.

She was going to get scuba certified so we could go diving.

We were going to drive to Yosemite to take her sister her bike and stay and camp there for a weekend.

We were going to go bike riding to San Fran.

We were going to go to the beach.

I was going to convince her to go skydiving(we are both terrified of falling)

We were going to go backpacking.

Never got around to any of them.

Didn't have time.

About three weeks in, I noticed her kisses had gone from soft lipped passionate kisses to closed mouth hard lipped pecks.

Thought it was weird, but I didn't talk to her about it. I think I should have. I don't think it would have made a difference.

Then, the last two days, her texted replies to mine were suddenly one sided replies to specifically what i had said.

It felt different.

It felt horrible.

I was so afraid those last two days, I knew what was coming, but I hoped so hard that it wouldn't.

On that last day I texted her "Are you ok? You seem different, like there's something wrong."

She replied "There is. can we talk tomorrow?"

Of course I didnt wait till tomorrow, I told her I needed to talk that night.

We did.

I didnt know horrible could get worse.

It can.

It did.

She told me that she has so much change in her life she cant handle being in a relationship right now.

She wanted to remain friends.

Not being friends was never an option for me.

And so we became born again friends.

I still get butterflies in my stomach when we talk.

I can't let go of my feelings.

I don't want to.

We never made it to the One Month.

You know, the one thats supposed to be the easiest to get past?

Yeah.

She is everything I thought I couldn't find in a woman, the reason I stopped looking.

Everytime my phone vibrates, I still check it to see if it was her.

It isn't.

I can't stop repeating in my head, there is always hope.

there is always hope.

It echoes in my brain.

And every night i go to sleep alone.

I can almost hear her.

Can you hold me?

Can you hold me?

but now the reply is,

I wish I could but I can't.

to which i almost hear her say back,

I know.

I wish the tears would stop flowing.

maybe one day I will stop saying these things in my head.

but then,

There IS always hope.

I DO love her.

And every second of every day I have a chance to, I spend it missing her.

And thinking,

 

There is always hope.

 

Can I hold you?

You could, but I have to tell you I really like you. like a lot.

I know, It scares me how much i like you.

 

I think I finally understand what Kneller was trying to say.

It only happens if it doesn't matter.

It comes without effort.

Maybe Eugene's right.

Maybe I only get stuck on girls I don't have a chance of being with.

 

Let me cling to the hope that enough change will stop for us to be able to start over.

As the days go by, a larger voice is getting louder, saying it wont ever happen.

I hope that voice goes away.

I hate it.

 

There is always hope.

[Eocsor]

No there isn't. You guys barely had a relationship and it sounds like you are over romanticizing this to the nth degree. Slap yourself and get your head out of the clouds. And if you want to keep torturing yourself keep being her lap dog.

[endy]

Try reading You Can Heal Your Life - Louise Hay

 

The call if "falling" in love for a reason. It's an obsession. Any obsession creates a knot. You need to seriously cut the relationship. I think first you need to be strong enough to do that. That book will help with that. You are sending a message out to the universe in your mind that's what you wanted. I see just from readint what you wrote a sense of self doubt and self worth. I think you need to work on that first, and then you will get the woman of your dreams. You have to believe that. The mind is very powerful.

 

I think both of you just from reading this may have deeper issues. My advice would be to examine that and figure yourself out a bit more.

[WockaWocka]

As the days go by, a larger voice is getting louder, saying it wont ever happen.

I hope that voice goes away.

I hate it.

 

There is always hope.

 

It's true that there's always hope. I hope for a lot of things. I hope my most recent ex comes crawling on his knees begging me to take him back. I hope for world peace.

 

But do I count on them? Never.

 

Which is why I think you're doing yourself a disservice by quieting the voice that says it won't ever happen. Clearly something made her change her mind and she can tolerate just being friends without running back to you. You may never know what it was that changed her feelings, but at a certain point you have to accept that she;s probably gone for good.

[stuka80]

If cutting her loose completely is not an option for you then there's really nothing else anyone can say to make it all better. You're 200% into her and she's only into you as a "friend"(imo lovers cant fit the definition of friend). As someone else said, you're living in this fairy tale world where unicorns exists and the love of your life will always come back to you. Step back into reality and realize people by nature are fickle. They'll be into you one day and be into someone else the next. Cut your losses and move on, dont be a doormat for her.

 

Looking back at my last relationship the one thing i regretted the most was not wether i could've done more for the relationship, treated her better, trusted her more, supported her more, etc etc etc none of those mattered to me anymore. What i regretted the most now looking back at that time was how i kept hanging on to a woman that never loved me. how i begged and cried to have her back. throwing away my self worth, dignity and self respect for someone who didn't spare a thought for me. that was what i regretted the most. Dont make that mistake.

[iamnotacrook]

Thank you for your replies, this post was mainly an attempt at an emotional purge. Now that this is on the outside I can start moving on, I sincerely hope that we can be friends at some point, but right now it would be a forced attempt and an unhealthy move.

 

Oh yeah and by the way.

I am no one's lap dog.