told friend my feelings

[starlight588]

Hello everybody,

There is this friend who I have known for a few years, which I have met during my first year of college, that I have feelings for. We were never close friends that would hang out everyday/talk on the phone or anything like that, but we do share the same group of friends, and we do see each other at least once of twice a month.

 

I have had feelings for her from the very beginning, when I first saw her, I crushed on her instantly. At the beginning, when we started hanging out, I tried to test the waters to see what her orientation is since I was crushing on her, so I came out to her one night and she was very accepting that I was into girls, but she told me that she was straight. So as soon as I found out she was straight I kept my crush on her to myself because obviously I knew that liking someone who is straight wouldn't get me anywhere from previous experience, so I just kept my feelings to myself.

 

However, when we would hang out one on one, even after I told her that im into girls, there are some things that she use to do that would get me to think that maybe she has feelings for me too, me crushing on her may have gotten me into wishful thinking, but she would cuddle with me during movies, and want me to give her massages/stroke her back and arms, play with her hair, like litterally foreplay! lol. Also, when we would say goodbye after hanging out, we would share long lingering hugs, we would also have long eye contact at times during conversations. However, she is a touchy feely girl and when you like someone sometimes I read too much into detail and it may have been all wishful thinking on my part. In general though, she was always very touchy feely with me; gave me random hugs as I would head to class, play with my hair, etc.

 

She also has never had many boyfriends, and we are both in our twenties. However, last spring, she started seeing this guy that she met through her sister, and when I found out, I was heartbroken it wasn't a serious relationship that she was in and she broke it off before the fall semester started again, but I was still bummed out. and so at the time, I knew there was no hope and we sort of drifted apart, but still saw each other once in awhile. Everytime I would see her though, I would be reminded of how much I like her, but never said anything since I just felt there was no hope.

 

So I have known her for about five years, and in all this time, I have always had feelings for her but kept them to myself since I knew she was straight. This year though, I just couldn't take it anymore. I told her how I felt. I wanted to move on for good, and no longer wanted to wonder 'what if'. The first time I revealed my feelings for her I basically just told her at the end of evening that "I like you, and I have had these feelings for a long time". I didn't have time to explain myself because our other friends came near us as we were leaving and she just didn't say anyting. But then about a month later, when I saw her again, I brought up my feelings again, because I felt that I didn't have closure and wanted to explain myself, (but then again I did if she just didn't say anything meaning that she didn't feel the same way, I shouldn't have brought it up). But that second night, I told her how I find her so beautiful and that I have had these feelings for a long time, and she basically replied that she doesn't swing that way and that she doesn't know what to say.

 

Obviously I got the message and so I did not hear from her for about a month and a half and did not try to initiate contact either.I felt that perhaps I may have been too forward with my feelings and at the time when I did see her with our group of friends, and alcool was involved, I even got very touchy feely with her and I'm aware that I may have made her feel uncomfortable. However for the past month I have given her distance when we hang out in a group and not get too close to her physically like i use too, and things were starting to get back to normal, i was treating her just like my other friends, texting her like i would text my other friends and inviting her out with other friends.

 

And so just recently, we were hanging out with a few of our friends at a restaurant and at the end of the night everyone left but me and her. I don't remember exactly how the conversation came up, but i asked her how she felt about all of this (my feelings for her). she said that she thought that i didn't have feelings for her anymore (which is untrue, i just didn't show it until that night). And she told me that what has gotten her uncomforable, even if i was a guy was that i was too forward with my feelings. She also likes a guy which is our mutual friend, but he is not interested in her that way but at times he flirts with her, and i remember telling her another night how i am happy for her if they are getting it on and that she deserves it. but truthfully, it hurts me when i see how she is with him because i know i still like her very much. and so i told her that night at the restaurant when we were alone: "im not gonna lie i didn't mean it when i said that im happy for you if you two are getting it on, it hurts me, what i really meant is that i wish you all the best, i know i can't be the one to make you happy that way." i also said to her, that i've never felt this way about anyone before and that if she was with me, her happiness is all that would matter. She pretty much told me that she hopes that i find someone that will love me as much as i love them and that i have a big heart. and I then told her that if were never gonna be together, can't we just hook up once? (I know, i speak my mind too much, i should think before i speak lol) in a nutshell, she just told me that she wouldn't be comfortable doing that with me. She says that she still wants to be friends and all though.

 

So at the moment she knows that I still have feelings for her. I told her the next day in a text message that I appreciate her being so patient and understanding with me since I brought up my feelings about her often, but that I will never ever bring it up again. i asked her about something for a course she'd taken in the same message and she just replied about the question about some class im planning to take, but didn't say anything about my first comment. So i'm never going to bring it up again, overall though, I feel at peace with this since she knows how I feel about her.

 

But the problem now is that for instance, i was bored yesturday and texted all my friends to hang out, including her,to see if she wanted to hang out (im just trying to treat her like i would treat my other friends). she said she was busy anyway, but the problem is i feel that i shouldn't even ask her to hang out, i don't text her everyday or anything like that, but thats what my cousin tells me (he knows about my crushes on girls and everything, i tell him about all my girly problems lol). He says that i should not even bother initiate asking her to hang out as a friend since she knows how much i like her, that it would be a mistake to do so, that it would also give me false hope. But see i tell him that she knows im never going to bring up my feelings again, since i even promised her, and that im not expecting anything from her since she's made it clear that she doesn't want anything more than friendship from me. But then again..i don't want her to think that i don't get it and come accross as clingy/annoying or anything like that, and i so i regretted it after i sent her the text message to hang out.

 

What do you guys think of this situation?

 

Thanks for reading and advice/thoughts!

[DylanNotorious]

I think she sounds like a really awesome chick. I don't think that you did anything wrong with texting her, but maybe just for awhile give her some distance. Let some time pass, and just text her from time to time.

 

This way, she knows your serious about not bringing anything up. Time works wonders.

[DailyDreamer]

Hmm, that's tough...liking someone, yet wanting to share friendship. It sure makes for a difficult situation, as you try so hard to keep her in your life, but want so much more out of it.

 

Since you said you plan on not telling her your feelings for her any longer, I suggest you stick to that. However, you must also do something for yourself and allow time before you won't be so hurt by her going out with guys or anything that would make you eager for her, as more than just a friend. Easier said than done, but you really must try to only have the sight of friendship.

 

Unfortunately, I agree with your cousin. To lay off asking her to hang out, even if it's in a large group of friends. Not forever of course...just as long as you need to sort things out and accept a friendship.

 

I wish you the best of luck in friendship with this girl. Stay strong, girl.

[starlight588]

Thank you both for your thoughts and for reading my post

 

Both of you are right, i should just give her some distance and refrain from asking her to hang out.

 

One thing i forgot to mention is that one night at the restaurant when i was speaking to her one and one and when we were talking about how we still want to be friends together, i remember she said that she still wants to be my friend, but that she also mentioned how she thinks that hanging out with me one-on-one with me would be mean on her part. In a way i kind of get that if hanging out with her one on one can give me false hope, is that what she meant? because when i think about it..i think it's worse if she can't hang out with me one on one because at the end of the day, i just want her as a normal friend like my other friends, whom i do at times hang out with one-on-one with them.

What kind of gets me frustrated about this is that the same guy who she was seeing last spring, she didn't even have strong feelings for him, she even told me that she doesn't even have any romantic feelings for him, and he had strong feelings for her and still does,..and she still hangs out with him one on one from time to time. It kind of gets me frustrated to think that just because he's a guy, and she never really had any strong feelings for him, that she would hook up with him, just because he's a guy and with me she would never do anything like that all because i'm a girl. when i brought that up, she just said to me "I thought that you respected what i choose" or something like that..which i do, but at the end of he day, that's why i think she's rejecting me in everyway. because i'm a girl. i just think it's kind of unfair. but yes i understand, if a guy would like me the same way, and i'm not into guys that much, i would perhaps feel the same.. but then again i do believe in exceptions, and i would not totally eliminate the opposite sex just because this individual is from the opposite sex. There are exceptions at times. Like me for example, i have been in the same situation but a guy liked me, and we got along very well, and we ended up dating for a few months. i was attracted to him. i guess i just feel heartbroken over all of this since i like her a lot and for such a long time and it just feels like the only reason why she is rejecting me is because im a girl.

[Meken]

I have a lot of respect for you. I know I dificult it is to have those feelings for someone and can't be with them. One question though, how do you feel about not being able to have one on one time with her. Even though it is difficult to be with him one on one I much rather have that alone time and deal with the pain.