sundark Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I've tried calling all my friends... everyone is with family or their significant other. I invited them over tomorrow so I could have something to be accountable for... none of them can come. I'm not going to lie... I've had the notion to just end it for a while... I've tried so many things to get me out of this depressed rut, but none of it works. I'm just stuck. I hate myself and all I do is provide the company that my misery seeks. All I do is provide it for myself. I am nothing, and if that's the case, then as nothing I should just disappear right? Into thin air? No one needs me except for money... No one cares about me except to listen to their problems and their issues. If I go to them, then it's a sob story. I'm useless... My job is meaningless and I'm in debt because I've helped my family using credit. I want to die so the life claim can pay off my debts and they can just squander it all away. Then when it's all gone they'll just forget I ever existed. The mistake and the accident that occurred can finally be wiped off the map... I'm so lonely, and sad and it hurts, and I just don't want to hurt anymore... I don't want to feel insignificant... I just don't want to feel anymore. Everyday another grain of determination is added to the ever growing pile of courage so I can just take my own life. Nothing seems more perfect than right now... as I reach out to strangers in a sea of self loathing and self pitying.
onemoretime Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Life can be better. You should apply your courage in a different direction and try to create something that can work. See a psychiatrist and they might be able to give you some short term help that will give you the space to work on the rest. It may not be easy but things that are worth it often aren't.
juicindi Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 You're okay. Don't listen to those thoughts. I've been where you are, and fortunately a friend came over and talked to me. There was no argument I hadn't already heard or told myself, but one thing she did say was "He who has ears, let him hear," and something in me grasped onto that. God, I had ears, there was hope. Now for you, I'm wondering if there's something crazy you could do instead. Just to bust out of the norm, as opposed to be being dead which is boring. I'm thinking really silly stupid stuff like open windows, sing some opera, dance around in your underwear. Eat, smoke, drink, whatever fix can get you through. If your family thinks you've gone crazy - better that than losing you. Better for you, particularly, because as long as you're alive, there is hope. If they are negative and selfish, get away from them. You have to look out for yourself, and your self needs a break. I will be with you in thoughts and prayers.
sundark Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 Hi guys, Thanks for answering... I cried... wrote a note and then checked the thread one last time. I did something to break out of the norm... I watched true blood of all things just to get my mind off of what was eating me. And then I cried. And then I planned my finances so that I could see what I would have to do in order to save up enough to move out on my own and be rid of those that cause me the greatest stress in life. I'm not going to lie... I stared at the bottle of t4s and tequila long enough to do something- stupid... I still have the thoughts and the urges in me... but I think maybe I should give myself a shot at being alone... without family. We'll see... Thanks again guys, Sundark
juicindi Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 good! I think that's a great plan. Please keep us updated.
RememberMe Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Dude I totally can relate. I feel teh same way esp. the part where you commented on the fact that when people need to talk they coem to me and blah blah blah am compassionate nonjudgemental but truthful and sypathic BUT and a big BIG but when I need someone to talk to about jmy issues my problems they physically sigh and roll there eyes and fake yawn atrying to making it seem authintic. ect .. They are dismissive with me and tell me before am finished talking get over it stop feeling sorry for yourself ok ok ( liek trying to finish me up ect. It is rude hurtufl and disrepsectful. So now after this and other reaosn fo rfailed relationships with other people I am alone and feel the urge to take my life. Why am I here anyone . Everyone I have meant has used me used me then rejected me no one vaules me or cares about my. I am utterly alone restless and disappoint by the experince of life beyond repair
blahx2 Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 I've thought about killing myself for a few years now, when I was a teenager, I didn't think I would live past 21 - since I always planned on killing myself by then. I am 23 and all I want to do is die. I have had my heart ripped out by a guy I loved and spent 2 and a half years, with I thought he loved me too but it was all a lie. I have nothing to live for now. My parents and family will move on, so I don't feel bad about leaving them, my friends will soon forget about me. So really I have nothing to live for. I have please my parents already by going to university and getting the education they wanted me to get. I have never been able to follow my dreams and do what I wanted to do. I don't even know who I am, what I like, what makes me happy. All I know is what other people have me to believe, I have no special talents, I'm not special, I'm just me mediocre in every way. I just need to find the strength to take my own life. Life has no meaning when you have no one to talk to, to confide in, to trust with your most intimate secrets. I can't tell my parents, they are too judgemental to understand and I'm pretty sure my friends don't care. I wish I could die in my sleep or something, that way I could be dead without killing myself.
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.