My husband doesn't want me anymore?

[GalaxyDuster]

Hello there all -

 

I have come hoping for advice or outside perspective from any man or woman that can help me. I am so sad that I just want to cry all the time. My husband and I are coming up on our 6th wedding anniversary this month. We have known each other, and spent most of the last 11 years, as a couple. We have three daughters, a house, and each a full-time job. I am 27, and he is 30.

 

Over the past year (and more and more severely within the last six months), my husband has almost completely stopped showing any desire to be intimate with me. Probably once a month; sometimes it seems like less than that. I don't understand why this has happened. I started noticing it most about six months ago; I tried to initiate things at least two different times, and was brushed off (aka rejected)... after that I was afraid to try again. I even talked to him about it, and he claimed he was having "problems in that department". A few months later, those "problems" magically dissapeared (he said so himself), but the level of intimacy has been just as low. He never comments that I look sexy or beautiful; never steals away a private moment with me. When he gives me a kiss (which is also getting rarer and rarer), it's mostly like a slightly exaggerated peck-your-grandmother kind of kiss. Even when he tells me he loves me, there's just a cold, obligatory look in his eyes. I don't believe that he is in love with me.

 

To give some background, and not make it sound like he's a bad guy - this man has been my best friend for a decade. We play computer games together, watch TV together, we have very similar opinions on most things. We have a very similar sense of humor. He does all kinds of nice things for me, all the time. I would say that we still have a very good friendship - but it seems like the romantic part of the relationship, for him, is nearly dead. I still love him and want him so much. I still find him just as sexually attractive as I ever did, and it is very painful to not have it reciprocated. If I try to bring up the topic, he just says I'm wrong, or makes a joke out of it.

 

It is also worth mentioning that he cheated on me once in the past (just "once", so he says..). It happened before we were married, but I didn't find out until three years after we were married. He wouldn't even admit it until I put the evidence in his face. It seemed so unlike anything he would ever do, that I was just surprised and crushed and broken. It was one of the worst experiences of my life, I wanted to die. I almost left him for it. He was so sincerely apologetic, begging and promising that I could trust him, that I chose to stay with him, and I have really worked hard for the last three years to build my trust back up for him. Unfortunately, he can be a very elaborate liar. That doesn't help ease any of my fears, as you can imagine. Especially when you are bombarded daily by reminders that men always want to have sex - and here's mine, not wanting any; or maybe just not from me?

 

It's also worth mentioning that I haven't "let myself go" - I weigh 115 lbs, and every day I shower, do my hair, and put on makeup. I have a full time job, where I make a nice amount of money. I don't ask him for things, I don't spend any of his money, and we're not really that stressed out by having three children; we have a nice, laid-back routine with them.

 

I am in so much pain, I hope someone can give me advice on what to do.

(Sorry this was so long.)

[hexaemeron]

After 11 years, honestly? What did you expect? This is something that every marriage goes through, ostensibly. It would have been you, or it would have been him. Don't focus on it happening, because it happens to all long-term couples at some point. Focus on the fact that you can address this with him in a non-confrontational, nonjudgmental way. Do not equate this with the cheating. Do not. Otherwise he'll just shut off even further and you'll be digging yourself out of a hole rather than getting at resolving whatever the problem is.

 

He's probably just bored. After 11 years, wouldn't most people be?

[GalaxyDuster]

What did I expect? I expected him to still want me as much as I want him. After 11 years, I'm NOT bored.

[sarcasm] But thanks - you've obviously solved my problem, and I can just go about my life now. My husband is just bored of me. I feel better. Thanks. [/sarcasm]

[crosbyfan]

It sounds as if there's a feeling of complancency on your husband's part. Almost as if he were hitting an early mid life crisis.

 

You mentioned you've been together since you were both in your teens and that now you've reached the point where you've got the house, the kids and the jobs - everthing is wrapped up in a neat bow and he's proabably wondering "is that all there is? Do this and then I get old and die?" The reason I'm thinking like this, is that you've stated that your life has a nice laid-back routine to it. As a female you probably thrive in such an environment, maybe your husband is finding it a bit repetitive/boring. Maybe what you think is a nice routine, he finds incredibly dull ... it's something to think about.

 

Is there anything you could do to shake up the routine? Something that you could do together that could shake up the routine that your lives have become, something that you could strive for together. It could create a newer and closer bond that might help to reignite things in the bedroom. It could be anything from training for a triathlon together, volunteering in your community, or starting a wine cellar - just something to help shake things up and to create something new between you two.

[reboundstudent]

You need to sit him down and explain how much this bothers you, and both of you need to have an honest, frank conversation about what is going on. If the conversation doesn't turn out in a satisfying way, time to seek out a sex-positive counselor, and either both of you go or you go alone.

 

If he won't go to counseling, you may need to whip out the big guns. The big guns being, either you work with me on this, or I (discreetly) go get it somewhere else.

[misssmithviii]

I'm sorry this is happening... it sounds like you've been putting a lot of thought into this and I can understand how this must be eating you up inside. Especially since your husband seems to conveniently brush off your concerns and feelings anytime you try to even talk to him about it. I think a lot of the problem is right in there - you can't even mention your feelings about this without being told your feelings are 'wrong' or without being ridiculed for them. That in itself would cause me to question what's really happening.

 

Couples going through dry-spells is normal, almost expected. But communication can never go dry without such consequences.

 

Have you tried creating sexy scenarios? Maybe welcoming him into the room after the kids are asleep wearing nothing but heels and earrings?

Genuinely seduce him - if that doesn't tear boredom off the map then I'd say you're dealing with a bigger problem honestly.

Also, how is the quality of the sex when you two have it? Is is passionate anymore or is it like a chore? Is he passionate doing it with you, or more aiming for the goal?

 

Being best friends isn't enough to uphold a healthy marriage - but it does help to give him the benefit of the doubt. I wouldn't barely think about his past infidelity only because you've already forgiven him for it - however that in itself (you forgiving him) can be a turn off. I know I'd be more sexually inclined toward an ex who upheld higher standards, rather than a (hypothetical current) bf who forgave a trespass that happened years ago who had to shove it in my face before I'd even confess.

Forgiving cheating isn't sexy, and is almost off-putting (at least the way I see it). So in that light, he could be cheating again or lying about something but point is you don't know so there's nothing you can do about that except face the problems that you CAN work on. Like communication and the sex. Is he a friend enough for you to trust him romantically?

Has the trust been rebuilt since finding out? Did he even work towards getting you to trust him again?

 

Regardless of any of this, IMO the bigger concern here is his apparent dismissal of your feelings.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. Looking back, do you remember him acting like this before/while he cheated?

 

Have you tried anything that would add some spark back? Wearing something different and enticing or trying something new, in a new place for example. My ex got the biggest rush out of using the stairwell in his building. It was rarely used (elevator building) but there was always an element of could get caught. I know your confidence is probably a bit shattered and you might be afraid to try but it could help.

[hexaemeron]

What did I expect? I expected him to still want me as much as I want him. After 11 years, I'm NOT bored.

[sarcasm] But thanks - you've obviously solved my problem, and I can just go about my life now. My husband is just bored of me. I feel better. Thanks. [/sarcasm]

 

I'm sorry if my advice offended you, but I thought you were here to get the advice you needed to hear, not the advice you wanted to hear. This isn't about sex. It's not even about boredom with you. It's about boredom with life. He never got to have that wild period, never got to find himself. He just settled down with you immediately and built a life, and now he's probably wondering if this is all his life will ever, ever be.

 

It's not really about you, per se, so please don't get offended by my saying that. He's in a rut. It's up to him to get out of it, but there are things you can do to help him help himself.

[misssmithviii]

I'm sorry if my advice offended you, but I thought you were here to get the advice you needed to hear, not the advice you wanted to hear. This isn't about sex. It's not even about boredom with you. It's about boredom with life. He never got to have that wild period, never got to find himself. He just settled down with you immediately and built a life, and now he's probably wondering if this is all his life will ever, ever be.

 

It's not really about you, per se, so please don't get offended by my saying that. He's in a rut. It's up to him to get out of it, but there are things you can do to help him help himself.

 

I don't want to get sidetracked here, so forgive me OP, but hex - I definitely understand what you're saying in the sense that most couples I've seen that started out from a young age and stayed together the whole time, one eventually gets this overwhelming feeling of, "is this the be all end all of my life?" and I'm wondering - is that a general rule or do you feel that's a person-by-person analysis that happens to be common?

I only ask because my bf and I have started rather young and have known each other for a long time - and I'm wondering if when we're 50, he's suddenly going to flip a switch and want other women for awhile again?

 

Steven's (my bf's) parents were together since early twenties and 4 years ago the dad suddenly got that overwhelming feeling and is now living in another mansion in another state to 1) be away from the wife he's had for 40 years and 2) be closer to a woman who's feeding him an ego. But he still visits every now and then - weird.

I've heard this happening to a lot of my friend's parents, where the wife suddenly wants out because she "didn't experience the club life" or the husband wants to "have crazy sex with other women" because he didn't get to by being taken the whole time.

 

Food for thought more than anything really... >.

[Stay_home]

All marriages, relationships and just about every other aspect in life at some point loses its luster. It becomes too easy and at times we take things for granted and become complacent. I'm one for discussion if there's a problem in a relationship and I suggest that you have a talk with him about how this makes you feel.

[hexaemeron]

We live in a society of choices that didn't exist even forty years ago. There are always choices and possibilities and people have an expectation eventually that they want to do and try everything. No one knows how, or when or why this will come up, but it invariably does. Walking outside your door and seeing all the possibilties, all the choices, all the roads not taken, how could anyone not be curious? How could anyone not give thought to the infinite possibilities out there. This is why I think the concept of monogamy as a societal pillar is obsolete. It cannot complete with "Do everything. Be everything."

[misssmithviii]

We live in a society of choices that didn't exist even forty years ago. There are always choices and possibilities and people have an expectation eventually that they want to do and try everything. No one knows how, or when or why this will come up, but it invariably does. Walking outside your door and seeing all the possibilties, all the choices, all the roads not taken, how could anyone not be curious? How could anyone not give thought to the infinite possibilities out there. This is why I think the concept of monogamy as a societal pillar is obsolete. It cannot complete with "Do everything. Be everything."

 

Interesting insight, I appreciate it.

 

OP - I wish you the best and I think this problem can only be resolved through communication.

[GalaxyDuster]

Thanks for responding... I would say when it happens, it's somewhere in between being passionate and the goal. It's not a chore. It certainly doesn't happen often enough to be a chore. I'm very afraid to try anything since being rejected. Usually when we go to bed, he's already in bed with his eyes closed by the time I'm done brushing my teeth. And when I take off my clothes to get in bed, his eyes don't open. I've tried wearing the sexiest underwear I own, but it doesn't help if he's not even looking. He obviously doesn't want to look - he knows I'm standing there taking my clothes off. If he wanted to look, he'd be looking.

 

I feel like it would just be pathetic for me to say, "hey, open your eyes and look at me!" That would break the last tiny shred of self-respect that I have left, honestly. I'm not going to beg for it. I already feel so unwanted, I couldn't possibly take myself a step lower and beg. That would be too pathetic (and I realize I sound pathetic anyway, but I decided to just go ahead and let it all out here, since you guys aren't him, lol).

[annie24]

I think you have some good advice here. I've never been married, so I don't know. but yes, it does sound like there is a bit of boredom setting in. you two got married and settled at a relatively young age. I'm 30, single, never married, just finished grad school. I agree that you need to spice things up - not just in the bedroom. but can you two take a trip together? do something new together? it sounds like a bit of that boredom has set in and you have to reconnect the way you used to before. i think you should talk to him about it - and have an honest discussion, don't let him just deflect it or make a joke. because EVERY couple together for as long as you two have been have some problems. (as far as i can tell, lol).

[GalaxyDuster]

We live in a society of choices that didn't exist even forty years ago. There are always choices and possibilities and people have an expectation eventually that they want to do and try everything. No one knows how, or when or why this will come up, but it invariably does. Walking outside your door and seeing all the possibilties, all the choices, all the roads not taken, how could anyone not be curious? How could anyone not give thought to the infinite possibilities out there. This is why I think the concept of monogamy as a societal pillar is obsolete. It cannot complete with "Do everything. Be everything."

 

My husband and I plan to travel all over the world together someday. We love to discover new things like that. Choices and possibilities, as you say, aren't limited to "romantic" choices and possibilities. Has it ever occurred to you that someone can want to experience all the wonders of the world with someone they love right beside them? You say "everyone gets bored" and "everyone wants to experience the possibilities", but then here I am, an exception to your own theory. I'm NOT bored. I want to experience those things WITH the person I love. I'm sure you think my love for my husband is a weakness somehow, or that it's so unusual that I simply shouldn't expect another human being to be capable of the same kind of love.

[hexaemeron]

My husband and I plan to travel all over the world together someday. We love to discover new things like that. Choices and possibilities, as you say, aren't limited to "romantic" choices and possibilities. Has it ever occurred to you that someone can want to experience all the wonders of the world with someone they love right beside them? You say "everyone gets bored" and "everyone wants to experience the possibilities", but then here I am, an exception to your own theory. I'm NOT bored. I want to experience those things WITH the person I love. I'm sure you think my love for my husband is a weakness somehow, or that it's so unusual that I simply shouldn't expect another human being to be capable of the same kind of love.

 

You're attributing a hostility to me where none is necessary. Again, you don't have to agree with me, but from the sounds of things, that person is not your husband at the moment. If I were wrong, you wouldn't be here. You can trample my values just as much as you say I'm trampling yours, but I'm just here to offer different perspectives to help you. To make you think. I'm sorry you just don't like what I'm saying.

[Rosee]

Very difficult situation to be in OP.

Do you have your own interests? What about doing something just for YOU, like could you take a weekend or two away with a girlfriend or sister or something and just have some fun without your husband. Sounds like he needs to miss you a bit. Maybe you spend too much time together?

Do you think he's cheating again?

[stillstunned]

A 30 year old man doesn't stop wanting sex. Maybe I'm jaded, but I'd start checking the computer for strange websites and the cell phone bill for strange numbers. If you find anything, dig deeper.

 

He might be bored, but he'd at a minimum pretend you were someone else. He's cheated before so you know he's capable of it.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but a year isn't a drought, it's a complete lifestyle change.

[FarthestEdge]

We live in a society of choices that didn't exist even forty years ago. There are always choices and possibilities and people have an expectation eventually that they want to do and try everything. No one knows how, or when or why this will come up, but it invariably does. Walking outside your door and seeing all the possibilties, all the choices, all the roads not taken, how could anyone not be curious? How could anyone not give thought to the infinite possibilities out there. This is why I think the concept of monogamy as a societal pillar is obsolete. It cannot complete with "Do everything. Be everything."

 

Hex, I love ya, but you are missing another point here. Being in a lifelong, committed relationship IS one of those 'things' that has it's own rewards.

 

Everything, every choice, comes at the expense of another road not taken. Monogamy is admittedly not for everyone, but in my experience (23 years with DH), sharing your journey with one person who really, truly gets you, who knows your history, because they were THERE, can be something well worth the price of not playing the field. Personally, I've seen the devastation over and over of failed relationships, and although I know I could find a new way to be happy without DH, I have no intention of giving up what I DO have, for what MIGHT be.

 

Honestly this "Do everything, BE everything" mentality is undermining people's happiness, IMO. Everyone is chasing rainbows looking for 'more' not realizing that they could have had 'more' with the life they already had- and threw away. Although I do agree with you with respect to the OP's problem, that is probably what's happening here.

 

OP- When was the last time you and your husband took a vacation together- without the kids? I agree you need to inject some adrenaline into your marriage. A vacation somewhere you've both wanted to go, or if you can't afford that, a new hobby to share together...go bungee jumping, or (gulp) skydiving...even just buy some mountain bikes and start going out for rides together. Whatever it costs, consider it an investment into your marriage. DH and I took a trip the other year that was very expensive, but I didn't care. After years of our life being consumed with pregnancies, miscarriages, babies, school, work...we needed to focus on us. I felt it was a good investment in our marriage. And it always is for us.

 

You need new stories, new adventures. Something to talk about other than what to pack the kids for lunch tomorrow. It's easy to fall into a 'comfortable routine', but you have to be wary of becoming just another cog in the machine of your family.

 

You have dreams of travel, then start now. Even if all you can afford is a B&B four towns away,- do it. Just find something that you are both interested in doing/seeing and go.

 

I realized a few years ago that we are running out of "someday"s, and so we are starting to do the things we want to do, and making plans. I find if you make a plan, set a goal it becomes much more likely to happen than just dreaming about 'some day'.

 

I hope that helps. Don't give up. Talk to him, be non-judgemental. Tell him it's ok to be bored with your life, but you have to acknowledge it to do something about it.

[FarthestEdge]

A 30 year old man doesn't stop wanting sex. Maybe I'm jaded, but I'd start checking the computer for strange websites and the cell phone bill for strange numbers. If you find anything, dig deeper.

 

He might be bored, but he'd at a minimum pretend you were someone else. He's cheated before so you know he's capable of it.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but a year isn't a drought, it's a complete lifestyle change.

 

I disagree with your absolutist assessment. We don't know the pressures of his job, his family, other things that may be going on in his life. He could have mild depression, he could be super-stressed at work or overworked. He could be exhausted.

 

He could also have a medical issue that has caused a drop in testosterone, resulting in a lower sex drive.

 

And a million other reasons that don't involve a third party.

 

I don't think it would be helpful to the marriage for the OP to suddenly begin looking for something that she really doesn't believe is there. ESPECIALLY given the past history, it would be a short trip from "looking to reassure myself" to "I just KNOW he's cheating, I just have to find the proof"

 

It won't help their intimacy for her to revisit the past, and allow her trust to erode when all he's done is be less interested in sex.

 

Communication will get to the root of the problem, snooping will only create another one.

[stillstunned]

I don't think it would be helpful for her to pretend there's no chance of it. She stated they do a lot of things together, so depression or stress is probably not the cause. Medical issues could be the cause. So could infidelity. Why should she assume it's one of the other items? Why shouldn't infidelity be added to the list?

 

If she looks at the phone records and the computer history, as I suggested, she would be able to reassure herself that this isn't the cause, or at least be more comfortable that it isn't.

 

Communication? Didn't the OP state clearly what a wonderful liar this man is? And you suggest communication? I think, respectfully, you're being naive. If you know you're with someone that can lie to you, and it's been over a year, I don't think he's suddenly going to start spouting off what is going on. She's at the point where she's asking strangers for advice. That should tell you all you need to know about his communication.

 

I truly do not understand all of the people that act as if suspecting infidelity should be a last resort. Statistics show we all have about a 50% chance of being cheated on. What are the stats on medical reasons for loss of libido in a 30 year old?

[GalaxyDuster]

Thanks for all the replies so far, I really appreciate them.

 

As for taking a trip and doing something new - we're both planning on starting our bachelor's degrees in the fall (we both have a 2-year degree in different things), which is certainly a mix-up in life. We're going on a trip for our anniversary as well (3 hours away, lake and mountains, lots to do). We usually go off together alone once a year around our anniversary for a long weekend. So in that respect, we have started travelling, although to places not more than a few hours away. But we've had a very good time each time so far.

 

As for signs of cheating - well, I'd be lying if I said I haven't been looking for them. There's only so much rejection you can take before you start to wonder and watch for it. I really can't see HOW he would fit it into his life, unless it's going on at work or immediately after work. He's a home-body (his own happy admission - he likes to be home), and he's usually home after work. Occasionally he has somewhere to go or something to do on the weekend, but usually it seems like he's gone to do exactly what he said he was doing. I have noticed that he's been a little more interested in his own appearance - he wears cologne more often, shaves more often, showers more often. That's about it though. He's been trying to lose weight (and succeeding), so I figured he was just more aware of his physical appearance in general.

 

After I found out about the cheating, he told me I was welcome to look through all his computers and e-mail and things whenever I wanted. I really haven't been; mostly because he's a professional tech person, has tons of computer related items (like, multiple laptops)... too much to try and go through. It would take me hours and hours to try and look, which would make me question whether it was worthwhile when the issue at large here is trust. Most recently he got a smart phone, which never leaves his side until he's in bed, so I can't really get my hands on that. I'm not sure I even want to, because I promised myself that if he cheats on me again, it's over, and I will stick to my guns (fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, and all that jazz). The smart phone is the one thing I have never looked at, and I'm sure he's aware of that. So if anything is going on, I have a bad feeling it's there (or, heck, hidden on one of eight million laptops that never even come home from work, who knows).

 

As for communication - it's a lovely idea, but I don't think I made it clear just how hard he shuts it off. It doesn't matter if I use the words "I'm really upset about this ALL the time", in the calmest, most serious tone possible - he will still change the subject or make a joke. He's very uncomfortable having a serious discussion, no matter what it's about. I don't really know how to get past something like that. In all these years, I haven't figured out how to get past that stone wall.

[FarthestEdge]

If she looks at the phone records and the computer history, as I suggested, she would be able to reassure herself that this isn't the cause, or at least be more comfortable that it isn't.

 

 

No it won't. It will put her in a mindset that he IS cheating, and she just isn't looking HARD enough. You can't find what isn't there, and once you start looking, it can very easily become an obsession. Not to mention that it is a violation of trust. You don't fix a marriage by doing more damaging things to it.

 

Could he be cheating? Sure, it's always a possibility. But if he's NOT, and that's the first place she goes, she will do her marriage MORE damage. If he is cheating, it will eventually come out. If she's just going to ASSUME he's a lying scumbag, she may as well walk away now.

 

I just don't see why it's the FIRST place to go. Marriage is supposed to be built on trust. Everytime a partner makes a choice to act in a way that says "I don't trust you", the foundations of the marriage are eroded.

 

Call me naiive, if it makes you feel intellectually superior. I call it choosing to treat my partner the way I would expect to be treated.

[GalaxyDuster]

Yes, at this point in the game, I have decided to give the benefit of the doubt a higher priority. I spent a horrible period of time in this relationship, after being cheated on, with trust completely destroyed. It was nothing but pain, depression, constant anguish, constant worry. It took years to dig myself out of that hole; I'm not especially anxious to throw myself back into it if I don't have to.

 

I definitely have the wisdom to realize it's a real possibility that I'm being cheated on somehow; but, as you said, if that's the case, it will eventually come out. I'm not going to waste my energy or my carefully re-built sense of trust on going through everything he owns. As I said above, there, he simply has too many gadgets for me to go through, anyway. I went through the pain of looking and digging when I was cheated on before. It takes too much time and energy, and causes nothing but pain and more worry. It just feeds itself. I'd rather "assume" he's not cheating - and if he is, I know it will eventually come out, just like it did before. In which case a decade of friendship and family will be completely destroyed - not something I really want to have happen, but there you go.

[FarthestEdge]

OP

 

While I generally loathe this approach, have you tried written communication? If he has so much trouble talking, what if you wrote him a letter/e-mail telling him how you feel, what you are concerned may be the causes, what you would like to see happen, and what you need from him to help you make it happen.

 

There are 2 people in this marriage, and I'd remind him that most of the time, you are ok with his aloof, non-communicative style, but right now, he needs to stretch outside his comfort zone because you are concerned your marriage is unravelling. Make it clear, that a sexless relationship, or one where you feel undesired is a dealbreaker for you. You BOTH deserve happiness, and if you can't find it together, then you will have no choice but to find it on your own. Make it clear you'd rather find it WITH him, but also that you are left hurt and confused by his disinterest.

 

Maybe if you put it in a letter that he can read over and over until it sinks in, you may get some kind of response.