Anyone out there with a marriage that recovered from a serious affair

[possibilty]

I'm curious does anyone have a positive story to tell about a cheater who made it all ok and even better than before the affair

[rocio]

Aren't all affairs serious?

[OptomisticGirl]

Aren't all affairs serious?

 

I was thinking the same thing...

 

I dint have experience in it but I know a girl who did. I don't think all marriages are doomed if someone cheats but it takes A LOT to get over it and move on. She told me once - when I was dealing wit my ex cheating on me - that the way they worked through it is he was honest with her, he had no problem giving her access to his life but they also set a point were when she felt comfortable, she would give that access back (he would change his passwords and what not). But I think it also has to do with the circumstances of the affair and how long and if you found out from them adds to it as well.

[misssmithviii]

I personally haven't heard a positive story from that but couples who overcome infidelity are a rarity. IMO... it takes a certain kind of person (and Idk what kind that is) with a certain mindset to forgive a serious affair (I'm guessing you're referring to a long-lasting infidelity rather than a one-night-stand) but in all the cases I've seen, that person is either dependent or settling.

 

There's so much broken in a relationship from infidelity - it negates every sweet word, every promise and commitment... all of that becomes questionable. And most times the cheater isn't willing to do what it takes, make all the necessary sacrifices and go those extra miles for long enough.

 

For me, it'd be utterly impossible to overcome.

[JerkBrokeMe]

My parents. It was about 19 years ago. They seperated for a year. I don't know all the details but she said he eventually called and asked if he could come home. I told her I wouldn't have taken him back. She said "yes you would have. He was so depressed he would probably be dead if I hadn't."

 

So when he came back they weren't really back together but he went to therapy, became happier in life and they stayed together. I guess she sort of felt like she pushed him to leaving (not condoning the cheating) but she admits to being nagging, sometimes belittling (she was the bread winner), and she feels like she drove him away. I think what helped her is that she didn't ask a lot of questions about the other relationship or the other woman. I remember he had this crappy little studio that didn't even have a kitchen. Mysister and I used to spend the weekends there with him. I recently asked her, "so, he just had that place for us to visit and lived with the other woman the rest of the the time?" and she said "Probably. I never asked." Personally, the curiosity would kill me.

 

I will also add, as strange as this is, they were going to therapy together that whole time. Even though he was with this other woman and said he wanted a divorce. She said that was how she realized her own behavior. He had a lot of anger towards her that he had never expressed to her before therapy.

[redswim30]

I think it IS possible, However-I think this is going to be difficult to find for two reasons. (Both of which are merely my VERY humble opinion.)

 

1. Even if you get past the intial affair and the person who cheated never sees the OM/OW again, their reasons for cheating in the first place (be they justified or not) are not going to magically disappear. As I often express here, my personal opinion (I know many disagree with me) is that cheating is a symptom of an underlying issue (even if that issue is only for one person, real, imagined or otherwise- someone isn't happy). I don't think unhappiness that causes someone to cheat merely "goes away" once the other person in out of the picture.

 

2. (And this one is the HUGE toughie in this situation)- VERY few people are willing to really delve and figure out WHY it happened and what needs to be changed. Too often the BS wants to simplfy the situation and write off the cheater as "selfish, evil" and the actions as unforgivable. While these things may be true, if you truly want to salvage a marriage, it takes work from BOTH parties, including the BS. I think what frequently happens is the BS is so emotional about what happened (not unjustified) that they can't see beyond the hurt and rationally to think about what may have been the cause and here's the key- Be willing to work on themselves as well. If you simply blame one party, you may feel vindicated, but how can the person who cheated ever mend things that way ? One person can't heal a marriage, no matter how they may beg for forgiveness or works toward making themself better. I think people get too caught up in the "fairness" aspect- the BS having to work hard it at too when they (in theory) did nothing wrong, may not be FAIR, but if you want to move forward together, you have to do just that. I think it comes down to the BS not wanting to let go of what happened or having the painful task of really thinking about what went wrong in the marriage.

 

Not to mention that we do live in a very judgemental society and one that tends to favor "getting even" or "serving justice" above forgiveness and self reflection on one's flaws and errors. It's the whole, " May him/her pay for what they did !" It's a crass example but look at Hilary Clinton, she stood by her husband after his affair and was vehemently critisized. So many people consider true forgiveness to be weak. I find it incredibly sad. But it's a huge factor in people salvaging their marriages. I think these two reasons prevent most marriages from truly recovering from infidelity, but that's just my two.

[Ariel85]

This doesn't sound like a success story to me.

 

I think VERY VERY few couples weather an affair, and those that do involve a very weak partner (the betrayed spouse) and an enabled cheater. Most cheaters repeat when they stay in the marriage.

[stillstunned]

There is no true recovery. The BS can decide they want to work on the relationship. They can accept that things weren't perfect before the infidelity. They can accept that their partner is human and dealt with the underlying problems in a horrific way. All of what you stated can happen.

 

What can never happen is the BS forgetting how easily the CS moved on to someone else because they weren't happy. They can't forget that the CS is so able to detach from the relationship that being with another, either emotionally or physically, or both, that true security isn't within the BS's grasp, at least not with this person. They can't forget that all of the special moments that made them fall in love were already forgotten by the CS and that they meant nothing. They can't forget that they know the CS's ability to lie.

 

What happens is the BS can want things to work, for many different reasons, and maybe they stay and do just that. They work on the underlying problems and they both feel the marriage is better than before. That doesn't change the knowledge the BS has now about the CS.

 

At the end of the day, the CS is weak and selfish. Sure, problems existed and the CS found the easiest cheapest way for self satisfaction. Working on the marriage would have been difficult. Deciding to do whatever one likes because they feel old or unattractive? Weak and selfish.

 

You can't solve any problem by adding the biggest problem of them all. Now you're left with all of the original problems, and a BS that is completely broken. Good luck with that one. A strong person would, if that unhappy or insecure, would either address it with their spouse or leave. A weak one becomes a lying cheat.

[stillstunned]

This doesn't sound like a success story to me.

 

I think VERY VERY few couples weather an affair, and those that do involve a very weak partner (the betrayed spouse) and an enabled cheater. Most cheaters repeat when they stay in the marriage.

 

It isn't always weakness that causes a BS to stay. There are many reasons to stay, and many to leave. I think rolling everyone up into one category is as simplistic as saying there is only one reason people cheat. There are lots of them.

 

I agree that very few couples weather the storm. I read that, of those that even tried, only 50% made it. The reasons given as to why they didn't make it? The cheating spouse was still hiding things, wouldn't accept responsibility, wasn't remorseful about the affair (only about getting caught), and so on. In the end, the failed attempts were the fault of the CS.

 

When someone cheats, they are the ones that need to fix a majority of the problems. The BS wasn't perfect, EVER, but they are now shattered. The CS needs to help fix them as much as possible before they can work on the marriage together.

[JerkBrokeMe]

This doesn't sound like a success story to me.

 

I think VERY VERY few couples weather an affair, and those that do involve a very weak partner (the betrayed spouse) and an enabled cheater. Most cheaters repeat when they stay in the marriage.

 

it's not a success? they worked through it and have been together since. Whats your definition of a success story then? He hasn't repeated. She's not weak.

[Ariel85]

It isn't always weakness that causes a BS to stay.

 

It is total weakness. Sure, a BS will spin it as, "oooo - I stay for the kids/I can't afford to move/it would kill his career", etc. - but it's just excuses. No one who has a shred of self-esteem would stay with a cheater. Period.

 

it's not a success? they worked through it and have been together since. Whats your definition of a success story then? He hasn't repeated. She's not weak.

 

It was a miserable story, IMO. Your Mom told you she took him back because she was co-dependent - because if she didn't, he would have killed himself? And that if she hadn't, he'd still be with the OW? And that she said she drove him to cheat? I dunno - sounds like a woman who settled, is highly co-dependent, and ultimately, quite weak. The fact that she took partial responsibility for his cheating shows how flawed and unhealthy their marriage is. That's like saying if he beat her, she drove him to it, so he's not entirely to blame. Ugh.

[JerkBrokeMe]

It was a miserable story, IMO. Your Mom told you she took him back because she was co-dependent - because if she didn't, he would have killed himself? And that if she hadn't, he'd still be with the OW? And that she said she drove him to cheat? I dunno - sounds like a woman who settled, is highly co-dependent, and ultimately, quite weak. The fact that she took partial responsibility for his cheating shows how flawed and unhealthy their marriage is. That's like saying if he beat her, she drove him to it, so he's not entirely to blame. Ugh.

 

Ugh right back at ya. Way to twist every last thing I said around. Why are you in this thread? According to your logic there cannot be success after infidelity. Thats not what the OP is asking. And aren't all cheating stories miserable?

 

If you read what I said she let him in THE HOUSE out of the goodness of her heart. They were not back together. They got back together after HE went to therapy and dealt with his own problems. She didn't settle, they worked it out, as I already stated. He had already left the other woman. Let's not make stuff up, ok?

 

And lol at you telling ME about the health level of my own parents marriage and making comparisons to being beaten. Truth of the matter is lots of infidelity comes from unhappiness in your relationship NOT the simplistic desire for sex with someone else. She was partially to blame for their marital problems, which they discovered in therapy. Once, again, as already stated, I said that didn't condone cheating. BTW, she is the absolute opposite of co-dependent. But I'm sure you won't take my word for it since you know them so well.

 

Again, can you define for me what could possibly be a success story after infidelity?

[OptomisticGirl]

I Think your parents had a succuess story. Sure, she probably shouldn't have let him in the house out of hte goodness of her heart but look what it bought. HE went to theapy, they both realized were they went wrong in the marriage - because even as someone who has been cheated on, it's never JUST the cheaters fault. Take that back, there are jerks who just cheat to cheat - who just want the sex pretty much - but a vast majority of the time it's because they aren't happy. HAPPY PEOPLE DO NOT CHEAT! So while it's no excuse to cheat it does lend to the whole growing up and learnign mistakes.

 

No matter how big a witch I was to my ex - which I was. I completely did not respect him after he cheated on me and treated him pretty much like a kid - I never deserved to be cheated on. That being said, after the relationship ended I realized the things I did that were a problem in the relationship (me always having to be right, my way or the highway attitude) and it helped me in my now relationship with my fiance.

[Ariel85]

Sorry - I clearly hit a nerve. I get that.

 

Still stand my assessment. The message and lesson she taught you was that women should tolerate and accept cheaters, which is why you support her taking him back. I pretty much guarantee you that when and if your partner cheats on you (and I'm not wishing that), you'll rationalize it and keep him around much as your Mom did. These kind of patterns tend to repeat as kids learn what they live. I think it would be healthier if you realized that cheating isn't a solution to marital problems - no matter what they are, and who contributes to it. I don't care if your Mom was a mean shrew who beat your Dad daily and never slept with him and put him in a cage at night and controlled his every move. He had better options to deal with his marriage problems than cheat. And cheating doesn't come from unhappiness - it comes from weakness and selfishness. Your Mom has really spun this out quite a bit. I'm so sorry this was your takeaway.

 

To answer your question - IMO, the only success story after infidelity is for the BS to embrace their self-esteem, end the marriage, and move on.

[JerkBrokeMe]

When and if I get cheated on? You're a piece of work. Don't twist my words and then tell me what I've taken away from the situation. Because I clearly stated I DONT condone cheating and I WOULDNT have taken him back. But they are back together and worked through it. It isn't a lingering problem that haunts their marriage. Why don't you ease up and stop telling me about my own life. I'm done with this exchange.

 

The the OP, I hope the story was along the lines of what you were looking for when you started this thread asking for stories about recovered marriages.

[possibilty]

Well firstly let me thank you for taking the time to reply. And I do feel that while all affairs are serious and cause indescribable pain there are levels. 15 months ago my husabnd had a woman who was a client and 10 years younger than me make a pass at a party. I only know these things noe obviously noy back then. They spent alot of time together as they had alot in common. I never minded in my innocence him cheating actually never crossed my mind. He took up the pass and proceeeded to have a sexual affair. To cut a very long story short. He left my bed within weeks and told me he no longer loved me and didn't think he wanted the marriage of course the affair was never mentioned. I was heartbroken and it was Aug again in Sept again in Nov that I found him out. Each time I offered him another chance. Though I threw him out in Nov adn asked him to sort himself out once and for all. He threw himself inot the affair. Jan I said I wanted a full separation with a view to divorce. He broke up with her again but never returned to my bed or made any effort whatsoever. I went to counselling so did he together and separately. From day one I shouldered my own negative contribution to his unhappiness and worked hard to change them. I have beeb very loving and kind and always have been. He sadly never invested much time or affection to the marriage he is inherently self absorbed. Anyway 6 weeks ago he opens u[p contact with her again saying he isn't over her and even took her out for a meal whilst living with me (np lies now all honesty) to see hoe she felt and tell her he still has feelings. She is seeing someone else and while she isn't reopening the relationship she happily takes his calls and calls to chat or text. 2 weeks ago he moved out a mutual decision. He says the marriage isn't over he is trying to get over her. I feel he is trying to get her back and I'll do if she dooesn't play ball.

 

I have decided he can't come back unless we start from scratch and build the relationship we want and I gain condidence again and he'd have some way to go to do that.

 

We were married 14 years best of froends since teenagers been through a vast amount together and have 3 kids.

[rocio]

Why do you want this marriage to continue? Wouldn't you rather start "from scratch" with someone who wants to make you happy?

 

I don't know if there can ever truly be a "success story" after infidelity because you've now discovered that your partner has this really ugly side. Sure, they can change their behavior. But they can never change who they are.

 

Plus, it doesn't even sound like he's overly anxious to continue with you. Definitely time for you to move on.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Where did you really get that message from? Maybe you should look at posts more objectively, don't generalize and not be biased. All those things can make it hard to take your posts seriously.

[rocio]

Where did you really get that message from? Maybe you should look at posts more objectively, don't generalize and not be biased. All those things can make it hard to take your posts seriously.

 

Yeah, that's pretty much rediculous. My mother divorced her cheating husband. My husband and I chose to work through it.

 

And it's not always a case of low self esteem. There are so many factors that you have to take into consideration before you jump to conclusions about what a woman should or shouldn't do.

 

Back to the thread, though (remember, the OP is a woman who is going through a very rough time and seeking support and advice) - probably the most important factor to consider is how determined the cheater is to make amends and win his/her spouse back. In this particular case, it seems the cheating spouse isn't overly interested in saving the marriage. It can't work.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yeah, that's pretty much rediculous. My mother divorced her cheating husband. My husband and I chose to work through it.

 

And it's not always a case of low self esteem. There are so many factors that you have to take into consideration before you jump to conclusions about what a woman should or shouldn't do.

 

Back to the thread, though (remember, the OP is a woman who is going through a very rough time and seeking support and advice) - probably the most important factor to consider is how determined the cheater is to make amends and win his/her spouse back. In this particular case, it seems the cheating spouse isn't overly interested in saving the marriage. It can't work.

 

100% agree. That's the only way a couple can survive cheating is if the cheater makes amends and WANTS to better themselves and never let this happen again.

[possibilty]

I actually am very thankful for all these replies they have been very helpful and all have relevance. I do feel respect for JerkbrokeMe's parents. Not many people really delve into trying to repair a marriage following an affair and I have spent thousands on working on myself understanding him and reading book after book. We have talked about everything and some very hard conversations. We have been able to communicat on every level but then we are good at that we are close on one level but he simlpy has the hots for her and believes he can't get over her.

 

I could write a novel at this stage.

 

Point is he has ended it and reopened it 5 times since July.

 

Pattern is obvious he wants her but is afraid of ending the marriage.

 

I have given him til Monday to put her out of his life once and for all. I don't believe he will and I will not be treated like a second rate option any longer and will file for legal separation.