Jump to content

Recommended Posts

It's been 2 months since the BU. It wasn't until the other day she finally closed off her facebook page so that I couldn't access EVERYTHING.


I am only now realizing what a crutch that was. I know it's for the best and it's the only way to heal but knowing that I can't get those insights again...it's weirdly ironic. You know it's for the best but you miss knowing what she is up to, who she is hanging with (even if it's HIM). The final window into her life has been stripped away from me and now it's truly time to move on.


I got a really messed up email from her yesterday and of course I got pissed and responded in kind. Things aren't good right now between us but it's total NC. I blocked her number which apparently only works one way. I was able to text her but she couldn't text or call me (both of which she tried to do yesterday). It was part of why she was pissed. I know that emotions will fade in time but it's just weird to be at this point. I've been here before though. You are with a person who feels so right that you see yourself with them forever. They leave you for someone else and it breaks your spirit. You hold onto that past relationship for dear life even though you consciously know it's over. There comes a day (which happened yesterday) when you finally realize there is no coming back from the brink. There is no way to salvage what you had and there is nothing you can do to change the way things have gone and will continue to go.


It's depressing but it's the first step we all need in order to move on. I wish she had closed off that stupid thing since day 1. I can't tell you how many times I saw something on there that set me back. It became like a drug to me. I was addicted to refreshing her page just to get any insight I could. That's gone now and I don't even go on facebook anymore. What's the point? I don't care what my friends updates are...none of that matters. I can finally take a hiatus from that stupid site and just work on healing.


I no longer have any insight into her life. I don't know where she is, what she is doing or with who at any given moment. I only get to see her in person when I run into her at work (thankfully she has been out this entire week on TDY work). This is exactly what I needed in order to begin my forward progress. The slow trudge uphill to independence and happiness. It's going to be a long fight but i'm prepared to face it head on. I have already forgotten how her voice sounds and the way she looks. I know how she looks but I can't remember all those small details.

Link to comment

Same here dude. I haven't seen my ex for a month, havent had a decent conversation in pushing three weeks. She's blocked on my FB, as is her family and we have both deleted each others numbers. She could easily get my number if she wished, that's all I need to know. She cuts my mothers hair and has my best friends number (nothing going on she had it for years if she couldnt get hold of me).


Like you I have no idea whats shes doing, other than shes chosing not to do it with me. In a moment of weakness Monday I asked my friend to tell me what her wall on FB said, and she's basically just keeping busy.


I agree with you about not going on FB anymore, I feel the same my best friends hardly go on it anyway, in fact I may come off soon.

Link to comment

It's definitely not pleasant. It was one of the most crushing things. I could take us not being together but the idea of her with another guy is real tough to deal with. Unfortunately, that is exactly what I was seeing. That's the sad thing about it. I could see him post on her wall and her post pics of him and stuff like that and yet I couldn't look away. I'd check it constantly knowing that the very next update would hurt me no matter what it said and yup, again and again it hurt me. For 2 months I checked that stupid site religiously and for 2 months I got exactly what I didn't want: confirmation that she has moved on to someone else and is completely over me. She would post up pics and i'd see them less than an hour later. I'd know exactly where she was and who she was with and I would sit there and obsess over it. It's so much better not to know that stuff. So very much better not to be able to obsess over it.

Link to comment

Welcome to the path of healing you two. Without that FB crutch, after a week or so, you'll stop agonizing about "what she's doing" or "who she's doing". That's when you start to live again, ever so slowly.


And as time passes, you'll think of her less and less.


Just stay strong and resist those urges to "find out what she's doing".


Chin up boys!

Link to comment

That must have been tough buddy. Your recovery starts here. I remember two years ago when I dumped her for two months when I read a status that said she was going on a date with "Mr Wonderful", I completely freaked out. Amazingly, I managed to snare her back although she said later that she was on the brink of moving on and the recon was very very difficult for months.

Link to comment

Oh, Deavyin...you contacted her? Whyyyyyyyyyyy?


I'm not trying to be hard on you here, but...just the other day you were talking about taking that HUGE step of blocking her phone number, and I was rooting for you to finally be able to start putting all of this behind you. That was two days ago. Obviously, something happened yesterday, and if I had to guess, I would say that you contacted her first, and I have to wonder why. At some point, you absolutely HAVE to stop torturing yourself. Once again, in your e-mail above, you've stated that it's over for good, there's no going back, etc. -- but you've said that in probably half a dozen posts before this one, and you still keep contacting her, and all it does is make you feel worse AND make things worse between the two of you -- which is definitely a concern because you DO have to be around her at work; even if you don't have to interact directly with her to do your job, it's inevitable that you will run into her on occasion. Now, it seems, you've left things on really bad terms with her, which, when she does come back to work, will make for a tense atmosphere if/when you do run into her in the hallway, the copy room, etc.


I'm going to be blunt now and say a couple things: This situation, at this point, seems unsalvageable. This is not to say that you won't be able to be polite or even friendly to each other down the road, but all the texting and e-mails and repeatedly reminding her of your hurt feelings is making it so that, right now anyway, she's probably really fed up with you. It is imperative that you simply disappear, NOW -- in a figurative sense of course. No e-mails (even if she e-mails you first), doing everything you can to avoid seeing her at work, and for God's sake NO MORE TEXTING! This is far more for you than it is for her. Yes, it will give her space to get past all the icky stuff that has been exchanged back and forth between you two recently, but it will also give YOU the space to gain back some self-respect and get used to not having her in your life. If you want things to get better, YOU have to make them better -- YOU...without ANY input/involvement/feedback from her. Perhaps this whole mess with the e-mails and texts is a good thing because it HAS pushed things so past the point of no return. Don't just tell yourself it has, though -- you have to live your life as if it has. You have to plan a life for yourself without her in it.


As I've said before, I am still not over my ex, and it has been quite awhile since we last really dated. I have, however, continued on with my life without him, and I plan to continue to do so. I'd be lying if I said I didn't still love him - I do -- but I am finally coming to terms with the idea of having a life in which he doesn't take part. It's painful, but you have to get there at some point. If you don't, you could be wasting your energy being sad/grieving for a long time. Believe me, I have a lot of experience with this, unfortunately. Hang in there.

Link to comment

I'm not exactly happy with how I went about getting here but it was totally necessary. There is no way I'll ever get this girl back...I have accepted that a while ago so I decided, no matter how crazy I seem, that I needed to do something to help me.


For whatever reason this girl feels that her page should be open to everyone. Initially after the break up I removed her from facebook (the day she left me) and to my own shock and surprise I could still see her page completely. I knew that was bad so I asked her to put up privacy settings (plus, it's just the best thing to do, they exist for a reson). She ended up blocking my account instead. Of course that wasn't going to stop me...I was addicted. I created another account and kept checking her page. I realized it was hurting me so I gave my friend the account into and had him login to it and change the email/password combination. Of course THAT didn't stop me. I just used that same secondary email (my old hotmail account I never use anymore) and created a new account. That was recently and I saw something I didn't like. That's when I said enough is enough. I let her know that I could still see her page and that it was hurting me to see how fast she moved on to someone new. She reluctantly put up privacy settings and then * * * * * ed at me because she had to go to that extreme. She said "initially I blocked you and now I have to set it so that NOONE can see my page". Well, it was for the best since you have pics of you drunk on there and that's not good. Also, have some common courtesy to someone you hurt...I don't need to be able to see that stuff.


I hate how hypocritical she is. She admitted that she could never be friends with someone who would leave her for someone else and that it would hurt tremendously and then acts all aghast when i'm hurt over it and unable to just move on like it's no big deal...especially when i get to see all this stuff about them together.


yes, today is the start of my true healing. I realize now you can't heal until you can cut them out of your life completely. Sometimes we don't have the ability to do that ourselves so we have to take drastic measures...it's worth it in the end if the end result is your healing and moving on in life.

Link to comment

Yep...drastic measures. In your case, I think they're necessary.


About the Facebook thing: I understand how upsetting it is, but...she's not obligated to change her privacy settings just to avoid hurting you. I mean, I agree with you that people shouldn't leave their pages open for everyone to see (I don't understand why people do that), but...she blocked you, and in her mind, that should have prevented you from looking at her page. She had no idea, I'm sure, that you'd be creating fake profiles to look at her page -- It wouldn't occur to me to do that, nor would it occur to me that someone else would.


You have a right to be angry -- she left you for someone else and, at least initially, sort of invalidated your relationship by saying that you were never really in a relationship (If I remember correctly, she tried to insinuate that you guys were just friends with benefits or something like that); she hurt you. Yes, it was right for her to break up with you if she really didn't want to be with you -- she did you a favor, really -- but I can totally understand why it's so upsetting to you. This is the point, though, at which you have to move away from holding her responsible for your feelings; what she chooses to do with her Facebook is her business, and while it would be nice for her to take into consideration your feelings, she's not obligated to, and honestly, I don't think most people would change their security settings just to avoid hurting someone else. Now, you have to completely cut her out of the equation. No more making her responsible for how you feel, no more taking her words and actions (or lack thereof) personally, no more giving her control over your feelings and your healing. No one person should ever have so much power.


Take care of yourself -- this means doing whatever you have to to let her go. No more giving her power over you.

Link to comment

I know I shouldn't have contacted her...it was a huuuge mistake and a dumb dumb thing.


In fact, i contacted her today too...i know stupid right. I went out with a friend to a nearby town center with a lot of bars and restaurants. We had a few drinks and he was trying to get me to talk to girls. It was a bad idea and I just got tipsy and depressed. He checked her facebook page while we were there and I saw a pic of her laying on the beach. She is in peurto rico for work and she was lounging around on the beach at her hotel. The new guy commented "aww babe, i'm jealous" and it just killed me to see him call her that.


I texted her that night, drunk, saying that I wanted to have 5 minutes to talk to her so we could end things amicably without all the animosity. I sent her a couple of those texts actually (i am an idiot and tend to ramble) and I honestly didn't think they were even getting through because of the phone block. I felt it was a good thing and I was using it to just get things off of my chest. I wanted to see if the block worked so I called her and got her voicemail. Apparently my calls and texts were getting through to her...bad. So, the next day, I continued to text her because I felt horrible that she was ignoring me and I just wanted a few minutes to talk to her and didn't think it was fair that she refused. I explained that I could still see her facebook page and that each time i contacted her it was because I saw something on there that hurt me a lot and that I didn't like the way i was acting because it wasn't like my usual self (which it's not). I asked her again to close off the account completely.


Turns out that she was trying to text me and call me to tell me to chill out and that she was working and I was blowing up her phone but the block DID work..only one way though.


She finally sent me an email asking for my personal email address. She sent a scathing email to me after that.


It went something like this:

you need to chill the F out. I'm on TDY right now and i have all these meetings to do and you are blowing up my phone. Do you think I honestly can pull myself away from what i'm doing to talk to you on the phone? I haven't shown the new guy any of your texts out of respect for you but he can sense the distress in my voice and he's getting pissed off. You need to realize that I'm just one lonely fish in the sea and you have goddamn blinders on. You need to give me the space you requested and that I have been willing to give you. I initially blocked your facebook account and now I have to put up privacy settings so that NO ONE can see my page. I am not going to let you distract me from living the life I deserve to live".


I got pissed and wrote her something back yesterday saying that I didn't think it was fair that she was talking to me that way. I only wanted 5 minutes to talk to her and that she did me wrong. I told her that I wanted to end things amicably but it looks like she wants us to be enemies so she can have her wish but that I don't have her and I still care for her. I then said, stupidly, go live your happy life with your * * * * head boyfriend (he really is).


Then today I got upset again and wrote her a really long email explaining how it was messed up what she did. Told her all the things that bothered me about it (how she strung me along, lied to me and left me for the wrong guy) and that i don't make apologies for not being able to just move on 2 months later because I didn't get to have some new shiny toy to play with. A new relationship to jump right into.


I told her that any distress in her voice was from guilt and that she never tried to lessen my hurt when she lied to me but that she only tried to assauge her own gilt because no objective mind would agree with the way she went about things.


That i hate her right now for what she did but I still care for her blah blah blah. that i can tell she never wants to speak to me again and that it's fine by me. Yadda Yadda Yadda. I told her that the block only lasts for 3 months and that I only set it up so that i could stop contacting her because I didn't like the way i was acting. that the fact that it's been 2 months and i'm still not over it only proves to me that my feelings were real and I won't allow her to tell me i'm crazy because I wanted something more.


I said that i didn't care if he was pissed off. his g/f left a guy for him and totally * * * * ed him over in the process. He should be ashamed and so should she.


It went on and on. Then i sent a short email after that saying that I promise I will never text, call or email her again. i will give her the space and distance from me she wants.


that whole thing.


I don't expect a response and this time i definitely know there is no way i'll get one.


yes it was stupid...I just got so upset that she would talk to me that way and I just wanted to have my final say. I'm not going to contact her again after this. Everything is f'd up enough as is and she totally hates me right now. It doesn't really matter though...she'll get over it. I'm not worrying about things getting awkward. We hardly ever see each other at work and it's usually from a distance. I never go into the copy room when she is there because I can see from a distance if she is there or not and i'll just wait until she leaves. She can't see into the copy room from where she sits and that's the only time we run into each other in there. She just grabs whatever she needs and quickly walks out. Neither one of us has said a word to one another in the office since the BU 2 months ago.


I'm really not worried right now about anything negative happening at work. If i keep it up, or start name calling her, then maybe I would. This is the first time she actually told me to stop contacting her and i'll heed the warning (not that she threatened me).


I know it was dumb..believe me i know.

Link to comment

Deavyin, Deavyin, you sounded exactly like me with that post. He moved on to someone else right after we broke up. That someone else was the girl I was "suspicious" about when we were together. Like you, we were only together for less than a year, but it did mean a lot more to me than my previous 4-year relationship. I think it meant a lot more because there was a whole lot of hope with this relationship on both ends, and you are always left wondering "what could have been" with shorter relationships.


I, like you, was addicted to refreshing his page. His FB page was full of her. Hers was full of his. It no longer is as much. This was his best friend when we were together, and they got even friendlier after our breakup, go figure. And I was there to see it all without him knowing. I'm glad for you that she blocked you, she couldn't have done anything better for you.


On this end, I can still see his stuff so I have to stop MYSELF. And trust me, it's been a hassle. I go a week or even two weeks without checking and then I do it again. I wish he would just fall off the face of the earth, but unfortunately he doesn't. It used to be 30-45 checks a day, and now it's every two weeks so I least I know I have "improved".


I did the same as you, too. We kept in touch for a while, which made it more painful, until we both decided it was best we stayed away from each other. I wish we would have decided on that sooner because honestly, it's the only way you'll get over it. I'm hoping I will forever stop checking his page, but that's being a little too hopeful a little too soon. I know people say "block them", but it's not that easy for me because friends facilitate access to his stuff. It's quite terrible, and it is addictive. You know what's worse? That seeing his page only clouds my mind and gives me things to "think about" more during the day. And him, he doesn't hear from me at all because I deactivated and destroyed my FB.


Hang in there man, it'll be fine. IF you need anyone to talk to, feel free to message me.


It sucks I know. I still cry over it. Can't even imagine what it's like to see her everyday.

Link to comment

I appreciate your strength itsnotlove. I wish I had that kind of will power or I wouldn't be in this mess again and again.


Things got really ugly after my last big break up and i'm doing everything in my power so that this time I don't go down that same road. I never lost my job over it but I did end up quitting (keep in mind she left for my best friend/coworker/cubicle mate) so it was more justified then. I have to stick it out here and keep this job so i'm not going to let it get to that point.


I've said things and done things that I know i regret (even today). I wish I could just let it be but I get so caught up in the moment and let my feelings out to her when I know that I shouldn't. She just made me so angry with her email when all i was trying to do was make things right (which i agree i went about the wrong way).


you are right though...it will die down and end. I'm thankful i can't see her page and a week or two from now there won't be any issues.

Link to comment

dude you seriously do need to chill, i thought blocking her number was going to be a big thing for you and you could properly move on with NC. The FB thing is annoying but after 2 weeks of me not checking y ex's and I happened to see her profile pic on a mutual friends page it didnt bother me, just keep on saying to yourself you are better off without her and not check her page or even her pic. Plus lay off the booze. It's acting like too much of a depressant for you and its making you text her. Honestly you cant ask her for ultimatums and 5 mins of her time etc because unfortunately she is moving on and thats exactly what you need to do now.

Link to comment

Oh wow. When you said you contacted her, I didn't realize how MUCH you had contacted her, and what you said.


D, as I said before, you keep saying that this is "it" that you have no choice but to move on, but you continually find some reason to contact her, and it just gets worse and worse and worse every time you do. This wouldn't be so bad if you didn't work with her, but the fact that you do makes it so much worse. As I said before, you are giving her WAY too much power over you and your emotions. In your last texts and e-mails to her, you are making her responsible for not only you feeling badly, but for your healing (or lack thereof) and your inability to move on. The thing is, she DID respect your request for space and not to be friends. She refrained from contacting you. She blocked you on Facebook -- she did what she thought would help you to move on. She even indulged a few conversations with you in which she told you she felt badly, she didn't mean to hurt you, etc. You keep trying to end things with no animosity, and for awhile it seems you have, but then you contact her again, dump your hurt feelings on her, she gets defensive (and probably annoyed because you're still talking to her about your feelings when she has moved on), and then things end on a bad note again, and you want desperately to "fix" them, so you keep blowing up her phone/e-mail, thus exacerbating the situation even more.


I'm responding to your threads because I know where you're coming from. My ex ended things with me -- more than once -- because he wasn't over a previous relationship. Shortly after he ended things one of the times (within a month or so) he was back with her. God, how crushed I was. I was a WRECK. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't quiet my mind. I dragged myself to work and put on a good face (especially since I had to see him almost every day), but in the car, at home alone, and with my friends and my mom, I sobbed. I wailed. Every day I thought I woke up feeling like a huge weight was on my chest -- like something was squeezing my heart. Somehow, I managed to still do my job, show up to social events, exercise, but I was a zombie -- at least I felt like one. On bad days, I obsessed about all the stuff he was doing with her -- vacations, etc. -- that he "should" have been doing with me. I made up all sorts of stuff in my head about what was happening with them, about how blissfully happy they were, etc. For a time, I really thought I was going to lose my mind -- permanently. Believe me, I wanted to text/call/e-mail him MANY times about the hurt I felt, the grief, how much I wanted to be with him, how distraught that I was that he "chose" her over me, how I thought I was better for him than she was. I wanted him to "explain" to me his reasons for not being able to be in love with me the way he was with her. I wanted "closure." All that stuff.


But....and maybe this is because I'm older and have been through this a few times...I realized that what I wanted I couldn't get from him. He had made his choice. He was no longer obligated to nurse my hurt feelings, to explain himself to me, to give me peace of mind. I had to do those things for myself -- mostly on my own, but also with the help of wonderful friends and my mom, a little bit of therapy, a lot of exercise, a lot of taking care of my body and my mind, a lot of social activities, eating well, pursuing interests, doing things to help myself. It's funny, but my ex's ex left him AGAIN (this was the third time she had, I think) after about a year of them being reconciled, and in that year, I e-mailed him three times (once to cancel a lunch that we had agreed to meet for to talk about things -- I had decided that I didn't need to talk about it anymore and told him I would deal with my feelings on my own), once to send him a photo of something that I knew he would like, and once to wish him a happy birthday. That's it. No discussion of feelings, no asking questions, no "I miss yous" -- nothing. He told me, after she broke up with him, how impressed he was with how I handled myself, how I handled my feelings on my own, that he gave me a lot of credit for that. I'm NOT telling you this story to make you feel bad or judged -- I know you have some issues that make it difficult for you to control your feelings and that you tend to act on impulse because of those things -- but I'm telling you because I KNOW how hard it is to NOT do those things. Trust me -- I went to great lengths to stop myself from contacting him on impulse. One thing I did was write what I wanted to say to him in a journal. One of these "letters" was 30 pages long! (Yikes!) I also did exercises from various books, such as "Getting Past Your Breakup" and "Feeling Good" which helped me channel a lot of that into something that would NOT make things worse for the situation. And, I wrote e-mails to him that I never sent. I've actually written a few of those lately, even -- in the last six months or so. It has really helped a lot. I guess my point is -- she knows how you feel. She really, really knows by now. There's nothing you can tell her that she doesn't already know, and there's NOTHING she can say that will fix this for you. Please keep reminding yourself of this. I know I had to in my situation. I kept having to say "What could he possibly say that could make this better?" and I knew the answer: Nothing.


I hope you are able to get in for another therapy appointment soon. Just talking to a neutral party sometimes helps a lot. And, it will go a long way toward making you feel as if you are doing something positive for yourself -- after awhile, this will boost your confidence.


One last thing: Stay away from the alcohol, please! It *seems* to make things better for an hour or two, but all it does is makes people more impulsive, and it tends to exacerbate negative feelings. Plus, it tends to make us do things we wouldn't normally do.


She has moved on, and you have to too. I know you know this, but it's time to really start living it.

Link to comment



Here are the facts:


- You and her were together for X amount of time. She decided to end the relationship, and begin a relationship with someone else. The absence of her in your life hurt.


Here is the story you have fabricated about what happened:


- You were madly in love with her. She was The One. She was your ticket out of your misery and your redemption for that one horrible relationship + breakup combo you had years ago with someone completely unrelated. She betrayed you in the worst possible way. She strung you along. She used you. She is flaky and she doesn't know what she wants or what is good for her. This will always happen to you. The guy she is with is a douche. You will not be happy unless she is with you and nobody else. She has been horrible, inconsiderate, hurtful and evil to you. She owes you big time. Losing weight and physically looking better is the only possible escape route for you. You are unhinged and out of control. She did this to you. You are entitled to her time, her phonecalls, her choice of privacy settings, and the way she chooses to conduct her life in a way that will make you happy.


There are the facts, and then there are the stories you have told yourself about the facts, and you are confusing the two to the point that you no longer can see what actually happened among the mess of what you think happened.


All those meanings you have attributed to the facts are entirely yours. Entirely you. You come here looking to vent, which is very good, but also you look for allies among strangers, allies that will validate your story so that you don't have to face the reality that you may be doing this whole thing to yourself.


I can't validate your story or feel sorry about you or send you support and warm fuzzies because the way I see it, that's only going to keep you more trapped in your story. And you need to get out.


You know how to hunt for wild monkeys?


You put a cage in a jungle clearing. The railings of the cage are big enough for a monkey's hand to go in and out with no difficulty. You put a banana inside the cage. A monkey comes along, sees the banana and reaches for it through the railings. It cannot get his hand out of the cage, because the banana is too large to go through the opening. The monkey struggles, pulls, yanks, shrieks, ponders, jumps, for hours until it is so exhausted it passes out. The hunters then walk to the cage, pick up the monkey and it's theirs.


There are hundreds of bananas in the surrounding trees. All the monkey needs to do is let go of the banana in the cage -- open its hand, drop it and walk away. But it doesn't.


Humans do that all the time.


Drop the banana, Deavyin, and set yourself free. Open your hand, drop those stories, those meanings, those resentments, and walk away. You are operating under your own "state of exception", using modes of being that you learnt in order to survive when you were a kid, a teenager, a young adult. Drop those too because they are keeping you trapped.


She broke up with you, and it hurt. All the rest (who she is with, what she says or doesn't say about it, what you think it means about you and who you are and what you look like) is just the weather report.

Link to comment

call me old fashioned...I still think blocking/defriending a friend/lover/ex-lover/wife/husband/family on facebook is collateral damage and sooo second rate to having been told to your face i love you/i hate you. i actually think not blocking (unless it's a totally dramatic hysterical break-up/an irreconcilable issue at stake and even then most of the time you will eventually get past it once the drama has been exhausted and will be able to connect again) is the way to go. same as in the real world where we can't just pretend the person doesn't exist if they stand in front of us. cause they are real. we can't press the delete button.


facebook/internet/cyber space it's part of the world we live, that is how we interact also now with other humans. but that should still keep us human. it isn't the undisputed rule. it's just one of those things that connects us. so do book, wines, films, delicious meals.


i am actually starting to think that facebook if incorporated in our lives as the ultimate interaction tool is just an added unnecessary nuisance to the already complicated universe of relationships. therefore it should be treated as truly a just a bonus/drawback in the grand scheme of our involvement. there is only first and there has to be - a face to face. we aren't air. we are flesh and blood. yes we've evolved and will always be evolving, that's what we do - but pls let's draw the line somewhere human. let's still be able to communicate without any devices . otherwise, we are truly just smoke screens.


we are now well past the honeymoon period with cyberspace. let's start using it smartly. it's far from irreproachable. let's not take everything we read as gospel, let's not be devasted if blocked.defriended. let us introduce some human flavor back cause that is what us humans are about, we have the capacity and the critical mind to understand. there is much more to having been with someone than feeling devastated cause they've blocked/defriended us on facebook. or at least that's what i want to believe.

Link to comment

man, I wish I had the full week without her here. She is back today from her work trip and I have already run into her 3 times. She walked right by me too and I couldn't even bring myself to look at her. Talk about awkward.


I wasn't devastated because she blocked me on facebook. In fact, I asked that she block me on facebook because seeing what she wrote on there was too painful. I completely agree that facebook is another tool for social interaction that is tightly wound into our societal beings. When you break up with someone you need to distance yourself from them in order to heal. You both need time apart to let the emotions, good and bad, die down so you can look back at things realistically. That is why it is important to defriend ex's on facebook and make sure that you can't see their pages because it's a window into a life you shouldn't be able to access. It keeps you trapped in the past and unable to move forward.


as for I_speak_jive: i know what you are saying...I completely do. There is the reality of the situation "she was with me for 3 months, met someone she liked better and left me for him". There is my interpretation "she was the one and i'll never get over her, she is making a terrible mistake and royally f'd me over...if I can keep her talking to me that means she must still care about me and there is a chance we can work things out because we are supposed to be together"


Facebook is blocked, no more calls, texts or emails both ways...she is completely out of my life and I get that. I have strong feelings for her...really strong feelings for her. It's going to take time for those feelings to die down and I have finally set myself up in a way that they can. Seeing her at work still hurts real bad (as I learned today) but at least I no longer have a window into her life. 2 months from now I won't know what she has done at all...she will just be a person walking the halls at work. Right now though, i'm still not over her and NC is really taking a toll on me. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to contact her last night. I pulled into my parking space this morning and she was like 5 spaces over having just pulled in. She saw me and I just sat in my car waiting for her to enter the building before I got out. I can't tell you how badly I wanted her to walk over to my car and talk to me like she had done so many times in the past.


I'm not over her but i've let her go. Well, i've accepted that I need to go NC and I hope that I can let her go in the future. I keep telling myself "it's ok, you'll get over it, you'll move on with life" it still feels a little hallow to me. She didn't feel like another girl to me. I have never felt this way about a girl before in my entire life...no one has ever felt so right to me.


It wasn't meant to be though and it never will...i accept that now. I know that i'll get over her eventually and thank god I don't have facebook to pull me down anymore.

Link to comment

I have only been to one therapy session. It's hard to get consecutive weeks at first since other patients get first dibs. I called today to see if there were any cancellations for next week or the next but there weren't. My next appointment is on the 11th of next month and then I have one for each week after that for 4 weeks. Once I start next month i'll be going in weekly from then on out. Also, I managed to get a psychiatrist appointment for next week so I can start getting on some medication to help with my manic/depressive state and the anxiety this whole thing has caused me. I think it would help to normalize myself a bit.


it's just hard. I know i'm not her dad or even her boyfriend and I have absolutely no say in what she does with her life. I know how i feel about her though and it's not just some childhood crush. I've had those before and I get over them in no time.


J was a girl i met through friends. We hit it off instantly and she even told me she was interested in me and a another guy she met online. In the end she chose him and I went NC with her right away. took me like a week to get over it and now we are cool again and hang out from time to time. She is still with the other guy and I honestly don't care.


C was a girl I met online. We dated for 2 months until she met a guy while washing her clothes only hours before we were set to meet. She called me up, cancelled our plans and told me about the other guy. I haven't spoken a word to her since. Took me a week to get over her and I honestly don't care anymore. We hit it off really well too.


I don't have a history of acting like this and holding on for so long. M was interested in me, i asked her on a date and realized i just didn't click with her so I turned her down. We didn't speak for 3 months and now we are great friends. N was my roommate in CA's sister. We fooled around one night when i was drunk and she wanted a relationship afterwards. She even told her brother and he gave us his blessing saying that his sister couldn't have found a better guy. Once again, I didn't click with her so I quickly called it off.


T was a girl I dated for 2 months. We did everything but sex (she wanted to but I didn't). She even told me she loved me during this time and I just couldn't return it to her. I broke up with her after 1 month and she lost it.. completely lost it. I tried to be her friend (big mistake) and she guilted me into taking her back. We lasted for another month before I cut it off completely and I haven't spoken to her since. She has married and lives somewhere in the midwest.


I don't fall in love with every girl I come accross. Something was different about this girl that I never felt with any of the girls I mentioned above, including my big ex who I was with for 5 years. We didn't even have sex for 6 months after getting together. We moved into the same town house relatively quickly but we didn't share a room for the first year. We never said we loved eachother for like 2 years and it wasn't exactly something I even wanted to say to her. Over time I did start to love her but I think it was more me trying to win her affection. Our first year together we broke up and got back together so many times (initiated by both of us).


This girl is totally different. I fell for her when I first saw her and when we got together we clicked sooo much. When we broke up she told me that she had built up a wall around her feelings for me because we were coworkers and she didn't see it going anywhere. She said that I was breaking down that wall and it scared her. We were moving quickly into relationship territory and that also scared her. She admitted that we have a bond and click really well. She was starting to develop feelings for me, real feelings, and then this other guy came along. She jumped into a full on relationship with him real quickly and I don't know if it was a way to leave me (which she admitted she wouldn't have done were it not for him) or if there was truly something there I don't know about. Either way, what is done is done. It's hard not to have regrets when things could have gone so differently. I honestly believe, were he not to have shown up, we'd still be together right now and we would be a couple. She admitted that was where things were going..


it's hard not to hold onto hope that he is just a convenient way to end things with me and will end up being a mistake in the end. Then again, I have absolutely no idea how they are as a couple or what she sees in him. It's completely possible that she truly did feel an incredible spark with him and they will be together for a long time to come. I have no idea what the future holds and that is one of the scariest things. I know it doesn't hold a chance for us anymore and that is also pretty scary because in my 29 years on this planet I have never felt this way about a girl before and I have to see her daily knowing that I would have given her the moon had only she asked.

Link to comment

Excellent post -- there's often a HUGE disconnect between what's true and what we tell ourselves. It's very hard NOT to make up stories in our heads to try to rationalize things, justify things, explain to ourselves WHY something happpend, why a certain situation exists, especially when we are hurting. It's amazing the stories we concoct to protect ourselves, to punish ourselves, to try to make sense of things, etc.

Link to comment

I'm trying to figure out why I want this girl back so badly and I honestly don't know which of the below options it is but I think I have an idea.


Do I want her back because I truly felt like she was the 'one' for me? I don't know if this is why. It's hard to look back at the time we had together without rose colored glasses on. She was always a little distant from me and unwilling to admit that we were even dating one another. We never defined what we had. She even got upset with me once because I wasn't texting her back fast enough. I gave her a lame excuse as to why but in reality I just didn't feel like it. I never called her once on the phone to talk to her...not a single time in 3 months. 2 weeks before she left this new guy was calling her up all the time just to chat about stuff. he was really showing a lot of interest in her the way I wasn't. She would always be the one calling me asking "can I come over tonight?". I don't think I ever once called her and asked her if she wanted to hang out. Sure, I did come up with stuff for us to do and invited her out and I did care about her and want a relationship. I told all my friends and family members she was my g/f. I did have real feelings for her but I don't think it was until after she left that I started becoming infatuated with her. She is a fiscal conservative while i'm fiscally liberal (not that that matters much we never argued about it). She is heavily into sports and i am one of the least knowledgeable about sports. I don't like basketball or football at all (both of which she loves). I do love hockey and soccer and baseball but I don't know a lot of stats about any of them. She is one of the most knowledgeable people about sports that I have ever met. This new guy is the same way and I know they definitely have that in common. Also, she is a very outgoing and personable person. Even in times of trouble she has a smile on her face. She laughs loudly and has a huge group of friends. I am more shy, introverted and quiet. I never command attention and I am never the center of the room. This new guy is very much like her in this respect. He was the team captain, he knew everyone and had a good raporte with them. He was the person everyone looked to in order to assign field positions etc. When we all went out together he was always laughing and happy and commanding the attention of the room. I usually listened and joined in on the conversation here and there. I was in awe of her personality because it's so much different than mine. She really did a good job of bringing me out of my shell but I think she wants someone like that to begin with. The J girl I mentioned above (who chose another guy over me) was similar to this. We got along well and had great conversations. She was definitely more laid back but we didn't have a lot of similar interests. She was huge into cars and racing (even races herself) and wants someone like that. I convinced myself that I could get into that stuff (just like sports with this current girl) but I honeslty don't care about cars or racing. The guy she chose races his motorcycle at the same track she does...it's really a huge thing in her life. I totally understand now why she would choose him and it doesn't bother me because I wouldn't really enjoy myself pretending to be interested in something i'm not.


Was it because she is beautiful? She is the 2nd girl i have ever slept with and a far cry more beautiful than my first big ex. I know what kind of body I like in a girl and I was in absolute and utter awe the first time she took off her clothes in front of me. Every single aspect of her body was amazing and she turned me on incredibly. She also has that girl next door look that I have always loved (i've always gone after that look) and the most beautiful green eyes. I'm scared that i'll never be with a girl as physically attractive as her again and, as a guy, even though I know it's selfish and beauty lies within, I want to have sex with her again...


Sex. She was amazing in bed. Again, only the 2nd girl i've ever been with but the things we did blew my world. I loved having sex with her...she totally blew my mind. It was 4 years since my big ex that I met her. That's 4 years, as a highly sexual guy, to not have any sex. I was afraid I was never going to have sex again before I met her and now i'm afraid of that same thing happening. I'm only human and I have needs.


Jealousy/bruised ego. I'm very jealous of the new guy. I wanted a relationship with this girl and she didn't. I truly believed her at first when she said she wasn't ready to settle down. I stupidly believed that she had committment issues and just wanted to be a free spirit. When I found out that they became bf/gf so quickly it shattered my ego. Here is a girl I wanted a relationship with who told me she had committment issues. All of a sudden she meets this new guy and has absolutely 0 problems committing to him in less than a month. It made me feel so inadequate like I'll never be able to find a girl who wants to truly commit to me. Part of me really wants satisfaction. Wants her to want me because I don't want to feel like a reject who is less desirable than someone like him (I've met him a few times and was neeeever impressed nor were any of my friends who met him).


Fear of being alone: my big ex and I broke up 4 years ago. I've tried my hardest to meet girls since then but it really doesn't come easy for me. I want to be in a relationship really bad so I tend to try too hard with girls and fall too quickly. I usually manage to not get burned by holding myself from getting too attached and I come out alright. I was truly afraid that I was never going to find another person to be in a relationship with who wanted to be with me until I met this girl. She really felt like she cared for me and saw a future with me. That was mostly me being naive and unwilling to accept the reality of the situation. I look back now and see that it was so clear. When we first got together she said she had reservations since we worked together and wanted to keep it a secret. She never called me her boyfriend or even admitted we were dating. We never defined what we had and only enjoyed our time together. We certainly acted like a couple but were never a couple and, when asked if she was dating someone, she would say no. She always introduced me as 'my friend'. I was in a relationship that didn't exist. When she left, and for another guy to be in a relationship, my fear of being alone trippled. This is the first girl I have gotten this close to since my big ex and it didn't work out. I'm afraid that I might have to wait another 4 years and the result will be the same.


I think that helps explain why i'm so infatuated with her. If I knew that I could find another girl who better suits me and in a relative quick fashion (months and not years) then i'd be doing a lot better with this. I am a lonely guy and I fear being alone.


It's been hard because I am lonely right now. I have a small circle of friends. I have no dating potentials at all. I moved 45 minutes away from my friends and I don't know a single person in my area. She has lived here her whole life. She has a new boyfriend, a huge group of friends in the area AND the soccer team i quit. She never has to be alone if she doesn't want to be. I struggle on the weekdays finding something to do because I don't want to be alone in my room. I hit the gym or go cycling but I do that alone and she is constantly on my mind. I get home and have n othing to do but curl up on my couch and watch tv/read. It's very depressing for me to think that she is out there enjoying life. I think that ties into the jealousy thing. I'm jealous of him for being with her and i'm jealous of her for being so happy without me.


I think it's good i'm going to see a therapist and getting on meds. I get so tired of people telling me "man, you are so good looking. You don't have to be good with girls to get them...you only need to smile and they'll come to you". It doesn't work that way.


My friend M is in a relationship. He comes out all the time and hits on girls all night long. He pulls numbers and gets girls interested in him and he's nothing buy homely looking. He really depressed me the other day because he gave me her side of the story through his eyes. He has been with his g/f for 2 years now but isn't entirely satisfied. He feels like there is someone better out there. He plans on staying with her for now but admitted that, if he runs into someone he clicks with more, he will leave his g/f for her. He actually had the audacity to say that it was the only thing fair to do to her rather than string her along when he wants out. I couldn't believe my good friend was giving me her side of the story...I couldn't believe that people actually feel this way.

Link to comment

I think you want her back so bad because she was the first girl you had a spark with after your first breakup. She was your HOPE after you had lost it after your big breakup, and it slipped away. Another big factor is also probably the sex — I really feel you on that one. Not really sure if I'm ever gonna be as sexually attracted to anyone as I was to my ex. I don't see that happening, and lust is so easy to confuse with "true love", the "one", just because you feel it so strongly physically. I swear every time you type anything, I can relate to it.

Link to comment


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...