I try to people please guys into loving me.

[sherred]

I have recently realized something after 3 bad relationships. I do everything for them. I cater to them and like taking care of them, but the second I need something they aren't there for me. I do all these wonderful things and basically think I'm not good enough on my own so I have to do all these wonderful things. Then, I am hurt when they aren't there for me or show me that respect in return. I am trying to figure out why I do this? My current relationship is a guy friend. We have had sex before, and he has made it clear he only sees me as his friend or that girl. Today he texted me he was sick and I ran out there with medicine. He will never see me as anything else, but I am so attracted to him and want more. Why do I torture myself with guys who don't want me or ones that I have to work so hard at? If you have any advice I would love to hear it!

[mhowe]

You have self-esteem issues. You think that if you don't do things for other people, they won't like you or want to be with you. And all your doing for others doesn't allow them to do anything for you because they know you'll step in. You need to be needed, because it pumps up your self worth (running to sick friend). There's nothing wrong with that --- what are friends for!!! --- but it's not a way to get guys attracted to you.

 

So, in the future, if you see yourself "giving" too much -- stop. Guys like to do things/give things to their SO....but by giving so much yourself you let them get emotionally lazy.

[sherred]

Thank you. You are totally correct. I was told that some guys like to come in and rescue the woman, but I don't show my vulerablities and I just try to care for them. I'm working on my self esteem and praying that I will get this straight. My current situation is that he's a great friend, but I need to back off and let him take care of me too. Maybe he will see me, but if he doesn't then I have to be strong and confident enough to not sit around. What are some great tips to boost my self esteem. I've done alot already, but I'm not all the way there. My career and parenting have taken off, but I still need to fix this part of me.

[mhowe]

I'd google "improving self esteem" ---- I'm not a psychologist, so I can't really say what would work. I would say that if your a good parent, and you've got a good career, than obviously you have a lot on the ball. Try and bring that confidence into the dating arena ---

[livelarge]

There are theories out there that say you were trained to be that way in your family. It's possible that you needed to give something to your family in order for them to show you love. They did not just show you love for being you. If this is true, you are just finding relationships in your adult life that mimic this family relationship because it's familiar to you. Some people say that we spend our adult lives unlearning all we learned as children.

 

I suffer from this as well. In my case, I had emotionally unavailable parents and I had to work extra hard to EARN their love. I am like a moth to a flame with an emotionally unavailable man. I spend many years getting them to love me and when they finally do, they are still emotionally unavailable, so I still lose but in my twisted brain, I won because they finally admitted that they loved me. But it's never the love that I want. It's some kind of distant, unfulfilling love. Until I recognized the pattern, I couldn't stop it. And it is something to stop early otherwise you can spend many years chasing after people who just aren't worthy.

 

I have learned to stop giving and sometimes I feel like the rudest person alive. But you know what, if you didn't run over to give me medicine when I was sick, I'm not doing it for you. EVER. It's just that simple. I give as much as I get. That's the first step in stopping this cycle. Give a little, less then you want to. See what they give back. If they give back, feel free to up the ante. When you feel like you understand what you really want from a man, start asking for it. Knowing full well that he could run away. If he runs, he wasn't for you. If he stays, you will start getting what you really want.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Getting a handle on people pleasing is a tough one. Yes, it's usually tied to self esteem and your childhood, and you've convinced yourself that your value, your self worth, is tied to "doing." "I'm not good enough for people to love me for who I am, but if I just pay a lot of attention to them and do lots of nice stuff for them, then they will see what a good person I am and then they will love me."

 

When you're compelled to do too much, that's when your relationships suffer. People take you for granted. It's human nature. Why? Because you essentially make them "spoiled." Your mountain of giving has become a given, and they lose appreciation for what you do. They lose respect for your efforts, and eventually for you as a person. You become a doormat.

 

Since you're a "doer," you should do everything you can to help yourself. I know, but don't worry, it's okay. Google and read about it. Seek counseling. And whenever you can, try little exercises to improve your tendencies. Keep a scorecard in the back of your head, and when you feel compelled to "do" something, immediately stop and take inventory. When's the last time they did something for you? Is your scorecard balanced? This doesn't have to be apples to apples, like when's the last time someone brought you medicine. But rather, when's the last time they did something considerate for me? If there are dozens of items on your side, and few or none on the other, you'll know the best thing you can do, for yourself, the other person and your relationship, is nothing.

 

I'm not suggesting you do this forever, but I think it will begin to open your eyes to your typical relationship dynamic. And, it will give you a check-in system along the way, so you can learn and adjust. Eventually, you will stop looking at people you care about from a "oooh, what do they need, what can I do for them now?" perspective, and you will slowly learn to relax with the fact that you're worthy of other people's love and respect just by being present - just by being you.

 

Yes, you do deserve this.

[sherred]

Thank you so much! I will put this into practice and your right I do all of these things. I appreciate the feedback.

[Ariel85]

Men in relationships really get off on knowing what they do for us makes us happy. It sounds like you are trumping their ability to do because of your own insecurities, so you are demotivating men from courting you/doing special things, etc.

 

Realize you're not their Mom's. Let a man be an equal, not someone to be smothered. And he will more than likely step up and be what you're looking for.