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I've hurt my ex-boyfriend deeply by sleeping with someone else.

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I know we aren't together anymore, but we were trying to be friends. The whole time I thought I was the one who got left and was destroyed.


Last night, we decided to hang out at my place, and as things started to lead to sex, I felt like I had to tell him that I slept with someone else.


Mind you, it's mainly because I feel horrible about it for myself, I'm not the type to do the one night stand thing, I was just so hurt and was acting out, trying to make myself feel better (total backfire), and he's always been my best friend and there for me when things went wrong, I felt if I didn't say it, I would explode.


Not to mention how dirty I would feel if I slept with him without him knowing that I'd been with someone else.


He was crushed. In the over ten years that we've known each other, I have never hurt him. I have never felt this way. And all he could say was that it was his fault for leaving me, that he deserved it, and that he finally understands how he's made me feel over the years.


None of that makes me feel better, I FEEL HORRIBLE. I just had to get this out.


P.S. I know it was very unhealthy of me to try to be friends with him and invite him over. Mistake #1 followed by the grand finale of Mistake #2 of telling him something he didn't need to know.

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We didn't have sex. It was leading up to it and I couldn't. I forgot to mention that the one night stand I had was (obviously) very drunken and (so so so so effing stupid) unprotected. I'm not having sex anymore (I usually don't unless I'm in a relationship... no judgement... just the way I prefer it) and I'm getting tested regularly until the point that you can be medically sure you're clear of everything.


So that's a MAJOR reason why I could not do it. Even though the fact that we're exes should've been enough. I could not feel more horrible.

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The only real mistake here I see was spending time with your ex instead of giving you both time to heal and really figure out what you want.


You didnt do anything wrong by sleeping with someone else, and honestly, you did something right by telling him (although you were under no obligation to do so). I know it bothers you because it was still your actions that hurt him, but you still didnt do anything wrong.


You really shouldnt beat yourself up over it. Any expectation of fidelity disappeared when the relationship ended.

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It would have been a heck of a lot worse if you'd slept with him after having unprotected sex with someone else. While it may have been a mistake to have him over in the first place, it was very responsible of you to stop it before you put either of you at risk.

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You didn't do anything wrong by sleeping with someone else (except for the unprotected part, which you already know). The only reason you feel guilty and felt the need to tell him was because emotionally, you still feel like he's your boyfriend and therefore, feel like you cheated on him but the truth is.. you didn't. You guys are over and it would be best for your own personal emotional well-being if you stopped speaking to your ex to give yourself a chance to heal and grow.

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I think the only reason that you're feeling like this is because you haven't taken enough "alone" time with no contact with each other. You might still want to be friends, but if you want to have a healthy friendship (if it's at all possible) with your ex, you have to give each other the time to heal (say half a year or something).


Then, when you don't have any more romantic feelings for him, and you can stand being around him without thinking about your failed relationship...you have a chance to keep the friendship. It also depends on him and how he heals too.


Good luck!

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Thank you very much for all of your advice. I hear and agree with what you're saying completely. I'd fooled myself completely into believing that I was okay, and though I know I will be one day, I must remember to let it happen naturally and be patient with myself, my feelings, and my healing. Thanks again.

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