How do I stop hating him?

[Clio]

I was with my ex for 3years 8months both living and studying abroad, the last 7 months was long distance. It's been two years since our original break up and 10 months of NC since the failure of a reconciliation attempt that lasted around two months (we were now living in the same town). I am doing OK I guess but I have these fits of crying from rage where I start privately swearing, and wishing him dead. Both times he broke up with me by an sms text and this made me feel worthless and question whether the relationship was ever real. First time around it was while I was still abroad alone, trying to finish my post grad degree (he had returned to our country and was doing his military service), second time around he did it knowing that I was at work at the time. Being broken up by sms is a horrendous experience! I found myself questioning what I had done to deserve this (even though my logic says that it's him that had the problem).

 

While together, we never fought (bad sign I know) and he was very dependable. I was also supportive of him as much as I could. The relationship had grown stale I guess but this was both of our fault. My understanding is that he grew bored /had fallen out of love with me and the distance did the rest. Both times I feel that I managed to retain my dignity intact, acted in a very civilized manner considering his behavior, never initiated any contact, never begged. Last time I even thanked him for the good times, said goodbye and asked nicely for no contact. He apologized and has respected my wish so far but I am really pissed off about the way he broke up with me both times. Given our past history I cannot understand how he felt it acceptable to break up this way. I am also very angry that he came back the second time, said he wanted a second chance only to find myself alone in trying to salvage the relationship and then to get dumped in the same disrespectful way. I feel that given his behavior he got off lightly. Meanwhile I am still struggling to pick up my pieces and that feels unjust. I am struggling to forgive him and I don't like the hateful person I have become. Any thoughts/suggestions would be appreciated.

[ks240030]

When my ex broke up with me, I felt anger as well. All I can tell you is that will experience anger, denial, depression and finally acceptance but it is going to be a cyclical (stages of grief). In one day, you will feel all of these feelings. Take comfort that you are entitled to feel the way you feel right now but time will heal all the pain and hurt he caused you. Keep yourself busy, exercise every day if you have to. Do something new that you always wanted to do but you never had the opportunity to do. Good luck and take comfort it does get better.

[Eocsor]

Hates a good thing if it doesn't overwhelm you. It's a natural part of the grieving process. Eventually it will all slip away and you won't even care that he was once in your life. But that takes a lot of time. You'll get there eventually at your own speed.

[CatsMeeoow]

Hate is a choice... its a strong emotion and takes up a lot of energy to maintain.

 

You can choose to move forward into acceptance by realizing he made a choice in how he behaved. You can choose that you do indeed deserve something far better and in the end this guy just didn't measure up. In the process you probably learned a thing a two about what you are looking for in a life partner as well as that you are strong enough to really survive this on your own without needed him as a back up.

 

I think when you can get to a point where you can look at this from an angle of what I've learned/gained it gets easier to take those steps forward to letting go the hate.

 

Good Luck

[Clio]

I would like to thank everybody for their kind and comforting words! I needed some validation that I am not a horrible person for feeling all this.

 

CatMeeoow you are absolutely right that hate does take up a lot of energy to maintain! I see the logic in your words but I still haven't got to the point of being able to turn my emotions into choices. But I see what you all mean. The key to that is time I guess as you all mentioned.

 

Thanks everyone for your insights!

[Meriem]

Clio my breakup was similar to yours, he broke up with me once, I picked myself up and then we got back otgether and broke up with me again, through BBM, I also hated the life out of him and felt soo angry with everything that happened and with the way he treated me, anger is natural and it's not a bad emotion, anger means that you feel you were wronged & it means that you know what he did was unacceptable now, and you WERE wronged so there's nothing wrong with you, also it will go away slowly if you ever felt too much anger I found it helpful to just punch a pillow xD I felt a little relief

[Clio]

Clio my breakup was similar to yours, he broke up with me once, I picked myself up and then we got back otgether and broke up with me again, through BBM, I also hated the life out of him and felt soo angry with everything that happened and with the way he treated me, anger is natural and it's not a bad emotion, anger means that you feel you were wronged & it means that you know what he did was unacceptable now, and you WERE wronged so there's nothing wrong with you, also it will go away slowly if you ever felt too much anger I found it helpful to just punch a pillow xD I felt a little relief

 

Thanks for sharing this Meriem. I hope you find soon someone worthy of you soon if you haven't already