lapse Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Short story short... a couple of weeks ago, got out of a STR that lasted... maybe almost 2 months. I initiated this argument because something seemed not quite right about this guy I was seeing. I wanted a stable, intimate relationship and he just wanted to call all the time. He was... I'd say... emotionally unavailable. Wanted me to talk about my thoughts and feelings but wasn't forthcoming with his. Anyway, I was uneasy about the whole thing and had an argument with him and he hung up on me, then asked me to call him in a few days after I'd thought about it, etc. Anyway, he wouldn't respond to meet me face to face to talk about it. I talked to him last week and told him to just say it if he was done and he claimed he wasn't done, etc., but that I needed to figure out what kind of relationship I want. Whatever... dude has been ignoring me. So I knew I just needed to get over it. So, over the course of the last couple of weeks, I've gone through the cycle of my emotions. Denial, Anger, Sadness, whatever. It doesn't take that long because the 'relationship' didn't last that long and the dude is acting like an emotional autistic. So anyway. Yesterday I had something funny happen and I texted it to a bunch of people on my contacts list. He was one of them - I figured he would get a kick out of it. And I am just not going to tiptoe around the dude. I'd like to be friends - it's the single best way I know of to pull the rug out from under the ridiculous games, inflated emotions, etc. So I guess it's not entirely altruistic on my part. This could go for all of the STRs I've had, with the exception of one guy who accused me of using him for his body, etc. and said I didn't know what he was "capable of" (with his guns and whatnot). That dude creeped me out. But, seriously? For these other STRs in which no long habitual feelings developed and it was all just a series of bonfire emotions, I don't see why I need to continue to play any games - like NC, avoidance, etc. Anyway, it all seems rather silly in the scope of an STR, and I don't understand why people play along. I think this dude I mention in this scenario would like to think that he is the rational one. He also claimed to be so direct and honest. This dude couldn't even have a real breakup conversation. Anyway, after I sent the funny text, I realized he's just going to keep ignoring me. So I texted my thoughts on the games and told him if he wanted to be friends, that would work better. Did tell him I was disappointed that he could never be direct about the BU and I'm over it, but the weirdness makes me sad. And here's the thing - the 'weirdness' - the games, etc., make me sad in general. For us as a culture and for our genders. Why is it that just because you have sex and explore the penumbral emotions with someone and (gasp) it doesn't work out (as most relationships don't), everything has to be all weird and we have to avoid each other, get paranoid, have exaggerated perceptions, etc. We know the drill... it's just damn sad! We are people. I'd like to think we're all better than that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endy Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 The truth is everyone is different. Everyone grew up different as a child and has different parents, or one parent that shaped them. We ARE who our parents are. A lot of people really don't look that deeply at people. If you really got to know this person and understood who he is, maybe he's like that way for a very good reason. Maybe you would have more compassion for him and see that he's not really playing games. Maybe he was abandoned when he was little. Maybe his father or mother did something to change his life when he was very young. The above is just about seeing deeply who someone really is, including yourself. The other issue is sometimes it makes people incompatible. They are at the moment you are dating them, because maybe they haven't fixed themselves or grown yet the way they need to. Most people always chalk relationships up to the other person not being the right "one" etc. In the western culture there are so many people that don't know themselves it's not even funny. That's seriously why I try to preach NC, for the growth of the individual. The way that you explained this is odd. You are basically placing all of the blame etc on this other person? What about you? Is there nothing wrong or something about you that you can't fix? Even a STR like this is never one person's fault for a BU or whatever. I don't even really consider a 2 month relationship a relationship. It's more of dating. With some people though, it's not the length of time that matters but the time itself. Some people get attached very easily. Some people don't. He may have thought it was going somewhere, where you were just exploring this person etc. You hardly could know this person after two months. So to seriously analyze his personality is really unfair. If you DID realize it's not what you want then so be it. But to deeply analyze his behavior and who he is, is well somewhat harsh to me. You have no idea what suffering this person has internally etc. Do you wonder who he really is and why he is that way on the inside. You got a small glimpse of it. That was enough to tell you that person is not right for you. I'm just trying to give you a bit of a different view on things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapse Posted June 16, 2011 Author Share Posted June 16, 2011 Thanks for bringing deeper compassion into the picture, endy. I am sure there is a reason for his actions. He had touted himself as an emblem of directness and honesty. And, ultimately, he just wasn't. But no - absolutely I was to blame for how things went, as well. I was a few months out of a 4 year relationship and engagement and didn't realize that just because I no longer harbored feelings for the ex, that I was still holding on to some destructive patterns from the past. I'm glad I got into this thing with the guy because I realized I have more to work on than I thought before I can move on in a very health way. Ultimately, I needed more assurance from this most recent guy than he could provide. I wasn't secure. I was *scared.* Nonetheless, it frustrates me that we cannot just deflate the tension and move on. And I've seen this happen in other STRs I've had previously - the games, anyway... I think it has a lot to do with gender dynamics and that is what really bothers me. I have a lot of male friends, so having a friendship come out of a broken relationship attempt is Ideal, in my opinion. It just seems like everyone's loss when this can't happen because we have these pre-conceived notions about how we must behave after a breakup. And I agree with you - a couple of months does not a relationship make - we didn't even know each other. But all the more reason to be friends. If I had the energy to date him, I'd surely have the energy to put the bad dynamics behind us and be a friend. It actually deepens my appreciation for another person... seeing the weaknesses, the strengths, etc. Again, this seems like a compulsion of mine - keeping exes as friends. I just can't stand to sever all ties because there were some flighty emotions that didn't work out being compatible. It just seems like such silly games. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endy Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Well, I'm glad you notices that you didn't take enough time after the previous relationship. I think you might want to look a little bit more deeply at yourself. There may be something major or minor about yourself that's causing issues for you and your relationships. Compulsion is never good either. Some people, including myself just can't have a normal friendship with someone after a relationship ends. I just love too deeply and emotionally. It's not that I don't get over it, it's just I don't allow myself to do it. There are exceptions. I am friends with one or two of my ex's, but never right away. Try just for s&g's to read the journey from abandonment to healing and reconciliation by thich nhat hahn. Just give it a shot. They are 10 dollar books. I think it might open your eyes a bit, and allow you to look a lot deeper into yourself and others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapse Posted June 16, 2011 Author Share Posted June 16, 2011 endy, of *course* there are lots of ways that I can work on myself. I referred to my need to maintain friendships as a 'compulsion' acknowledging that perhaps it isn't always a good thing. I suppose the core of the question is this - why is it 'bad' to quickly move on to being friends? I can see nothing but positives. The fact that it didn't work out romantically does not mean that another sort of association won't work. Not being friends after a breakup (unless it was abusive) is tantamount to throwing the baby out with the bath water. I understand that the guy that I mention above has his own issues to work through. And that I do. But I don't understand why others aren't more comfortable with being friendly and open at the end of a - what is actually small in the scope of life - kind of breakup. To me, it's liberating to cast the tension - the rules, the pain, the power plays - to the side and just decide to move on and be happy. And invite them along. This doesn't mean they have to accept, but I don't understand why they wouldn't. That's what I'm saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endy Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Ok, well for me there's just too much pain involved. I'm not the type to date ever though either. I usually know right away if I'm going to be with someone.. In the past anyways. Not really doing that anymore lol. I just went through a whole bunch of growth. With that said, it's because men don't think like women. It goes into the whole platonic relationship thing which I am not going to dive into. Most men IMO really aren't interested in being friends with someone they are attracted to. Sometimes it ends up that way because of their choice or other circumstances. That's seriously the best answer I can give. In time you may be able to be friends. But I'm pretty sure that's the reason he just can't jump and say instead of you giving me sex, I'll give you a lot of what I just gave but not get that sex. Make sense to you at all? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapse Posted June 16, 2011 Author Share Posted June 16, 2011 Yea, endy. I guess I 'get' that - thanks for explaining it to me. And I guess all I can do is leave the door open. I just hate it, though, that two people who seemed to get along well and have a connection couldn't continue the connection without the craziness. Maybe you're right, though. Maybe for him and a couple of other exes, the connection has been mainly physical. That's too bad. We're all more than walking peni and vages. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endy Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Yea, endy. I guess I 'get' that - thanks for explaining it to me. And I guess all I can do is leave the door open. I just hate it, though, that two people who seemed to get along well and have a connection couldn't continue the connection without the craziness. Maybe you're right, though. Maybe for him and a couple of other exes, the connection has been mainly physical. That's too bad. We're all more than walking peni and vages. We are but I think you know, men think about sex a lot. It's not like women to women who talk and gab all of the time. It's really sad to say, but it's the truth. The connection for me isn't always physical. The girls I am friends with we have a connection. The funny thing is the one's I am truly friends with... I've never wanted to have sex with. You can leave the door open for him to be friends with you, and in time he may be. It's just right away initially he's coming from a different though process than you are. He's thinking this girl and I had sex, now I'm in the friends zone... * * * ! lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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