Need advice on how to get him back :-( (long)

[SallyC]

Hi, this is my first post but I've been reading lots of the other posts for the last week or so.

 

My ex boyfriend of 2 years suffers from depression, he has had it since before we met and is on medication. Last september it got pretty bad and he broke up with me, stayed in bed for 2 weeks, this was triggered by stress in his job, although we were having a few arguments at the time because I was suffering from lots of mood swings due to the new contraception I was on. I begged and pleaded for a week (I know that was wrong) and then left him alone for 7 days and he got in touch on his birthday and asked me to come over (all of the breaking up was done over the phone), I went over expecting just to be dumped face to face but everything was fine and he just wanted things to be forgotten and we hugged, and were back together and things were better than ever, although he wouldnt have sex with me, because he has been having problems because of his medication/depression. I was dealing with this but when it got to about 3 months it started to affect our relationship, he always felt guilty, I always felt rejected, and we had lots of discussions about it and he just said it would be ok in the end. He was so stressed with his job and it was making him very ill, all he could talk about or think about, he kept phoning in sick, and that made his situation worse.

 

In March he decided enough was enough and quit, he didn't have another job to go to so this worried me but he said he had to do it as it was making him too ill, and he would get another one quickly. Within a week things changed so much, he became the person I used to know, had energy, smiled and joked, paid me more attention, and I was so glad and he kept saying that the sex thing would sort itself out as well when he got settled into another job and started to feel better about things like his weight (he had put a lot of weight on) and less stressed. By this point it had been 7 months since we had done it.

 

But then after about 3 weeks he started getting depressed again as all of his bills were due, he had ran out of money and still hadnt got another job, I tried to be there for him and help him as much as I could and then he had a job interview to work in a hospital, which is what he's always wanted, and he got the job! The only downside was that he had to wait a month to start, and he still had no money in the meantime, so he was very stressed out again but we kept going by talking about our plans for the summer and how much better things would be when he started the job.

 

Then he told me that he couldnt go on holiday with me this summer (which was meant to be out forst holiday together) because he was going away with his friends instead and it was 'lads only' and that he couldnt afford both, he said this is something they've always planned to do when they were all about to turn 30 and I was obviously angry at him, we had a few arguments about it but nothing major, just little ones, and then it was all forgotten (or thats what I tried for us to do).

about 3 weeks ago he got an email from the job saying his start date has to be put back to July, this was awful for him, he owes money for the holiday, money for his car insurance on a car he still cant drive because he hasnt been able to afford to retake his test since he failed, money for his bills etc. From then on he just stopped calling me, stopped being affectionate in txts, just acted so cold towards me, and then 2 weeks later broke up with me over the phone.

 

The reasons he gave me were that he needs to sort his life out, its a mess with his career and money problems and his depression etc. and he cant handle being in a relationship. He said he will always love me, and that if we were meant to be then fate would bring us back together, but he couldnt be with me because I make him feel guilty, because he cant be a proper boyfriend to me, cant put me first, cant have sex with me, cant take me out anywhere, and he doesnt want to drag me through all of his problems.

 

I did everything wrong, pleaded, begged, told him he was making a mistake, cried down the phone, txted obsessively. I feel so bad about it now. I was like this for a week.

 

I read that people with depression do sometimes get this way. I txted him and told him that we could try and be friends like he wanted as I thought that I could be there waiting for him at the end of all of these problems and we started off as really good friends before anything happened between us.

 

I decided to go NC with him 7 days ago, he was meant to come over last saturday to drop my stuff over but I got a txt last Thursday saying that he thinks its a good idea if we wait for a few weeks before we see eachother until things settle down (he still hasnt seen me face to face at all, last time we saw eachother we had a takeaway and dvd night together and it was really romantic and fun, he left me a post it under my pillow saying he loved me!). I just ignored this and thats the last thing I heard.

 

We have always had a really romantic relationship, always talking about the future, friends said we made them sick how romantic we were! I cant understand how he's not missing me, we spoke everyday and when we broke up he txted me that I was the best girl hes ever met and Im very important to him and he wants me in his life, and if we remain friends who knows what could happen in the future.

 

Im doing NC in the hope that he will miss me, Ive tried to make him see from facebook that Im moving on (well havent tried but he can see friends posting on my wall about going out etc. and just been putting normal, funny statuses up) He said at the time of the break up that all of my begging only pushes him away farther so Im hoping this space can help that. This is killing me, Ive lost 10 pounds, cant sleep, wake up crying in the night and am always dreaming of him. Ive went out a couple of times and wanted to come home instantly. Am I doing the right thing in NC?

 

Sorry this was so long.

[SallyC]

Oh god, he just spoke to me on facebook chat, heres what was said.

 

Him: How are you

Me: yeah not too bad thanks, how are you? Hows everything with your money, job etc?

Him: No change, nothing to report really... I've got an ebay listing for my car - it had to be done. I'm sorry everything came to this, I really am.

Me: sorry to hear about your car. What does your mum say?

Him: She's not over the moon, I think she's gonna be well glad when I get back to work and stop moping around the house.

Me: Yeah, and you will be! Not too long left to wait for your job and holiday now, july will be good for you

Him: Thankyou. I hope so. Been a * * * * ty few weeks, as I'm sure it has been for you too.

Me: any news about what ward you will be working on yet?

Him: I'm going now - hope it hasn't upset you me talking to you. Stay cool.

Him: Yes dementia - I've had my contract thru

Me: no, im not upset. Ive said I want to be friends. Do you?

Congratulations!

Him: Thankyou. And of course I do. Take care.

Me: Maybe Ill call you for a chat later if thats ok? I hate facebook chat!

Him: My phones been cut off, I don't think I'd be very good on the phone at the mo to be honest, think i just need to stay in this little bubble for a bit.

Me: ok. Miss you though. Hope you feel better soon

Him: Thankyou

 

So he doesnt miss me Sounded like he was just checking up on me. I probably shouldntve said I missed him. That was so awful, it was like talking to a stranger

 

NC is back to square one now I guess

[Eocsor]

Theres really nothing you can do at this point. Stay in no contact and try and move on with your life as if he's never coming back. The future will take care of itself.

[SallyC]

My mum thinks that we will get back together after his holiday. Thats what Im hoping for.

[Eocsor]

No one can know that. Don't hang all your hopes on someones opinion of what might happen. He knows how you feel so the balls in his court. You need to take care of your own pain and the best way to do that is to move on as if he will never be a part of your life again. The future will take care of itself one way or another. Your job now is to heal you.

[Tired Tiger]

a) Stay completely away from Facebook (which you'll do anyway, but you'll eventually understand why I say this).

 

b) Remove the "friends" word from any and all dialogue. You're kidding yourself.

 

The best atmosphere you can create for the possibility of another shot at some point is to completely let him go as soon as possible.

[SallyC]

I just know that when we were friends before and he talked about his last ex he said that he thought it was a shame she wasnt mature enough to stay friendly with him and she deleted him from facebook and he said it was immature so Im thinking he might respect me if I showed some maturity enough to stay friends with him. also how will he be able to see that Ive learnt a lot from our breakup and see the side of me that he fell for again if we arent talking?

 

I wasnt planning on contacting him for a while until this happened, and am not again now but I get the feeling if I ignored the message when it popped up he wouldve though 'how immature, she cant even speak to me' and it wouldve made him feel like he couldnt try again when he's ready to. At keast this way his last conversation with me wasnt me being a pathetic mess right? maybe he will have something to think about now that ive said im doing ok etc. and been friendly?

 

I hate all of this, it's so confusing Im not ready to give up on him yet though.

[iBroken]

Ya, sorry to say but he is long gone.

 

And his problems arent yours....he is going on a trip while he has no job and is stressing about bills? Not very responsible. You appear to be taking responsibility for his shortcomings?

 

Just so you are aware - in the event you didnt already know - being "friends" with him wont bring him back.

[SallyC]

He arranged the holiday when he still had a job, but yeah I agree, he's not being responsible, which we argued about before the breakup, I told him he shouldnt be going.

 

If being friends brought us together in the first place though, and we have a few good times together it might bring us back together if he doesnt feel pressured, and it was his idea to be friends, he kept saying to me, that who knows what will happen between us when his life is sorted out and when he's not so depressed and can stop feeling guilty about not being able to be the boyfriend that he says i deserve. His feelings may be clearer as when he gets like this he goes into a bubble and can feel nothing except guilt, self pity and he goes numb. This is how he's explained it to me before when he's been ok and what Ive read up about depression is that it can make people feel this way.

[iBroken]

Anyone I have become "friends" with after anything has caused me to lose my romantic connection. I cannot imagine having sex with any of my friends that I was with previously in one way or another. They become like family and therefore it doesnt feel right.

[SallyC]

But on the other hand I cant imagine having sex with someone who I havent spoken to for months and feel very awkward around either. I agree with no contact for a while but then LC can be helpful in some situations as well, as I dont expect his feelings just to change because he hasnt spoken to me, and for our first conversation to be him asking for me back, things work slower than that. but i do agree that it should be done for a while, so we can both get some space and hopefully he can miss me when Im not on his case trying to get back together (i regret acting like that so much). Its been 8 months since we had sex anyway, he is far from capable the state he's in (and I have been to the doctors with him about this, I know it was nothing to do with me).

 

Also theres a few social situations coming up in august that we will both be at and with the same group of people, and I work with his best friend so theres not much of a way to cut him out completely unless I back down and don't go to things that I want to go to, and I dont see why i should do that and i know he wont!