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She told me she's dating around, but wants to continue seeing me...


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Hey everyone,


First off I apologize about the text, it's all funky, I don't know why.


So, I posted on here a week or so ago about the girl I'm seeing. We went out on a second date, went great, I kissed her at her door steps a few time, we went our ways for the night. I get a facebook message from her about 30min late that reads:


"In the interests of full disclosure and honesty, I need to tell you my general approach to dating (and perhaps I should have made this clear, but we hadn't talked about it) is to date around until things become serious enough with one person to have a conversation about exclusivity. At that point, I am completely committed to that one person. However, since we hadn't had a conversation about exclusivity, I have been dating other people. I have really enjoyed spending time with you so far, but I'm just not at the point where I'm comfortable being exclusive. I want you to know that I have only been dating other people ... nothing physical (beyond kissing) has gone on with anyone else. I don't sleep around. I understand if you aren't ok with this situation. I just wanted to be completely honest with you." (Note: I never asked her to be exclusive with me. We were just talking about relationships during the date).


I basically told her that I appreciated her honesty, didn't want to pressure her and that I get it, we're not exclusive, it's way too early for that, but that I did want to continue seeing her.


Her response was:

"I'm so glad you understand. I was really worried about how you'd react. I had to tell you where I am in all of this because I would never, ever want to mislead you. I do want to see you again ... I should have some time next week, but I need to make sure I can get my reading done, too, so I'll let you know when I'll be free next week." (She’s in grad school for a PhD).


That was all Tuesday night. Wednesday, we talked all day via facebook messaging a whole lot about random things (mostly the beatles, nothing about us personally & she was responding from work with some pretty long answers). And now it's Thursday in the middle of the night we're actually still talking (as I type this thread). I'm trying to be as cool as possible and casual. And I know I should keep my options open, but I'm gonna be real and say it's expensive to date more than one woman at a time.


She’s gonna be out of state in New York for father’s day, (I did give her an option of me driving/picking her up from the airport if she’d like) but I won’t be able to see her until Monday or Tuesday. And no doubt, she’ll probably go on a date with someone else between then. Her relationship status on facebook after she sent me that message changed to “it’s complicated.”

So, my two questions to you all is, #1) first off how long should I stay dating her before I decide to either end it or wait for her to make a decision, and #2) what can I do in the meantime to keep her interested. I live in Chicago in the city, so there are plenty of things to do, but in the meantime… so ya.


Thanks for reading. I appreciate it.

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I know where she is coming from. I feel this way about someone and actually just had a similar approach when I was talking to him only...I am fully back together with my ex. He still wants to date me or atleast hang out as friends. If I were you, Id back off and let her come to you because she eventually A will or B will not. And its not that he rubbed me the wrong way technically. He is a sweet, fun, great guy. He has a lot of qualities in him I look for in a husband. The problem is that he came on too strong telling me he thinks im the one after only knowing him for a couple days. And the other problem is I already gave my heart away a long time ago to my ex ex boyfriend. He is the most cold, unlikable person since we broke up and I moved out. I ended up being with someone else and I started building a new one and gave it to him, we boke up like 6 times and I went no contact, no answering calls, text, nothing....I answered one of his txt questions but then it was lead by another and I ignored it. He called 4x that day, 4x the next day. I finally called him. We got together and have been together since....

Uuumm...Id give her space though and respect it. Id wait maybe a week or atleast 3 days to ask her out on another date. As far as keeping her interest while shes in NY...Id just maybe leave her be. It makes a person more attractive when they aren't bugging constantly...hope this helped a little at least..

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It actually did. I really appreciate it. Ya, I'm just gonna give her her space, try not to be annoying, after all she did say she wants to see me again and was happy with my response. So, I guess I'm ok then. I'll let her come to me, and she said she'll let me know when she's free next week, so I'll just wait.

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You know, this dating approach of hers might put some people off but I think it's pretty realistic and healthy. She can evaluate guys and her connection with them without the pressure that comes from putting all of her eggs in the same basket. She has a better chance of finding someone she really hits it off with rather than choosing someone based on the fact that things are going ok and she's not dating anyone else. She doesn't want to settle and I think it's admirable. When she does commit to someone, you can be confident she doesn't take that commitment lightly.


Have you considered doing something similar, OP? Are you dating others? If your heart isn't in it, don't go out and do it to even the score or anything. But if you can be fair to other girls and give them a real shot, then go ahead and get to know others too.


I actually think it's a good sign that she was worried about how you'd react to her disclosure. I also think it's a good sign that she changed her FB relationship status after you told her you were okay with things. Both these things means that she values your presence in her life. And you guys are talking a lot, so that is another good sign.


As for how long you should wait, I don't think there's a set time period. I think you should not try to control this and continue to date and when you're at the point where you'd like things to be exclusive, have that conversation. Be true to yourself. It sounds as if she values honesty, so don't be afraid to bring it up out of fear of losing her. Heck, she may bring it up first.


The fact that you're trying to set a time period to cut and run concerns me; you should just let things flow where they're going to go. If you don't ever want to be exclusive with her, then it will end. If she doesn't ever want to be exclusive with you, it will end. These things may happen in spite of her dating others, because you might meet someone else too or one of you might decide that the dynamic between the two of you won't work in the long run. Or it's just as likely that the two of you could develop a healthy relationship and fall in love.


In the meantime, do not let this freak you out. I think she really likes you and I think it's excellent that she was honest. Remain confident and fun, and for the love of god don't get insecure and needy because of the phantom presence of other guys. She likes you for you, so know that you are valued and deserve the best and that any other guys aren't going to measure up to your awesomeness.


Try not to put walls up and develop strategies like letting her come to you (aside from this one time thing). You don't want to cut off your nose to spite your face and have her thinking that you must not like her very much. Don't be afraid to let this progress and see what happens. If someone else catches your interest in the meantime, ask her out.

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I think Cadence has some great points too. Don't be afraid to date other women in the meantime. I wouldn't "wait" for her all together because you never know what kind of chemistry she is develolping with the other men. Another thing I think you need to steer clear of is how she said she isn't having sex with any of them. This could be something she is saying just so you don't label her as a "flusey." I don't think shes a flusey because she is being up front with you almost 100% truthful, however do not always swallow everything she says because....I have said similar in order to protect someones feelings. But at the same time I never was proud of sleeping with someone else while I was waiting for him to come to me. I was just very vulnerable. So anyways...Like the last postee said, don't be afraid to let go and have fun, remaine confident but at the same time don't put all your eggs in one basket. The no contact thing worked for me, but it doesn't always work on everybody so id say if she contact you, wait a couple hours to respond for don't go dead on her or she may take that as a hint and move on...

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Dating doesnt have to be expensive, it all just depends on the activities that you do, so keep that in mind. I think that you have to ask yourself what you want, are you looking for something exlcusive? do you want to be exclusive with her? When you figure out if she wants to be exclusive if she isnt on the same page then that is where you end it. As far as activities im sure you can find plenty of activities to do in Chicago, just start to look.

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This was a very helpful post Cendece. Thank you. I was surprised that I was not turned off by her telling she's dating around. She actually revealed to me that she got out of a 5 year relationship where the guy cheated on her and is now engaged to the girl he was with; the girl he cheated with actually emailed her to apologize. So, I get it. She may have some trust issues.


She actually did however ask me to take her to the airport (which I just did today), and we just talked about random things, nothing relationship related, and we kissed at the terminal. She then asked if I wouldn't mind picking her up Sunday night, and we actually set something up for Friday night. Interesting note, in the car she told me that she's not good at hiding her feelings and if she doesn't like someone, they'll know. I said in a joking manner, "good to know."


As far as dating other people, I know I should, it's just honestly not my style. I've tried it and it's just not me. I don't feel like I'd be giving her a fair shot. But like you said, if she or I don't want to be exclusive it will end, so let's just let it develop and see where it goes.


I appreciate the advice ladies and gents. Thank you.

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I agree with her and you have to respect the fact that she's at least being upfront with you. I suggest that you date around as well and not consume yourself with only one woman until it is agreed upon that this is an exclusive relationship.


I highly respect that she told me that, not even 30minutes after our date.

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