Obsessing over ex + made-up men, help :(

[youvegotmail]

I need some objective voices to look at this situation, and maybe some advice. Please lend me a hand.

The post is long, I'm sorry.

 

My long-term gf broke up with me 2 months ago. We were going out for a few years, got very close, practically lived together for one year; were making plans for the future, etc. We’re both in our 20’s.

 

She verbally acknowledged that she had doubts about being together ONLY weeks before the final break up. Needless to say, I wasn’t prepared at all and I was very heartbroken… still am.

 

One thing that was definitely helping was that she expressed a strong desire to stay single and completely “guy-free” for a few years. The desire to be “completely unbound” was one of the main reason she cited for leaving me. As in - you're a great guy, but this isn't a time for me to be in a relationship.

 

Now, I don’t know if it is healthy or normal to feel this way, but the idea of her being single for a while (even if it didn’t turn out to be YEARS) was a lot easier to cope with than the idea of her jumping into the arms of another man… whatever that would mean: flirting, hooking up, sex-buddies, relationships, anything really.

 

So 2 months passed as I have said. I felt I was making a bit of progress. We passed a few e-mails and talked a few times. One and only favor I asked of her was to tell me if she decided to change her mind about the “guy-free” thing. She said “sure thing”

 

So she left for an all-summer internship in Europe with a group of about 30 other college seniors. And well, I trusted her. I felt she’s out there with guys all around her, we’re not together, but at least I don’t have to obsess over “is she with anyone already”. I wouldn’t have to dig for clues. It gave me some level of comfort of peace.

 

But then, one of the very few e-mail exchanges she wrote me this:

 

“What I said the night I broke up with you was all truthful at the time it was said, but as you've said before I am entirely free to change my mind. At this point, I don't think that's any of your business, and what you do is none of my business.”

 

This completely * * * * ed me up. And the whole process started up in my head… it can’t stop to this day, and I’m more miserable than ever.

 

I pleaded for her to change her mind. I didn’t want to violate her privacy. I stressed that all I wanted was a simple sentence “I’ve changed my mind”. No details. I also stressed that I would refrain from asking more questions, passing any judgment or commenting in any other way.

 

She still said no. I believed she simply doesn’t understand the suffering she’s putting me through, and so best I could I wrote her an explanation. Here it is:

 

“We're not together, you are free to change your mind about stuff and be with other people. You wouldn't be cheating on me. At least rationally, I accept your right to be with someone else.

 

So why does it matter to me? Well, for the time being, I just can't emotionally accept you with anyone else. Even if you're not literally cheating on me, the emotions at work are still largely the same. I can't just flip a switch and stop these feelings ... that will take me some time.

 

Because it is hard for me to emotionally accept you with anyone else, your decision to stay away from guys was comforting. However long it lasts (or lasted) it was an extra comfort.

 

On the other hand, if you're already with some guy or after some guy... it will hurt me to know it. No point in pretending it will be otherwise. Anyone who has ever been in love can tell you how much it hurts to know that they have been replaced, that someone new is there in their place.

 

However, what's even worse than knowing your loved one is with/after someone else? Being uncertain of it. Going back and forth in your head, obsessing, thinking up full scenarios, looking for hints. She's not with anyone, she is, she's not, she is, she's not, she is. And every time your sick mind lands on "she is" the pain is fresh and new, as if you just found out... and this mad process just stays with you all day.

 

So to summarize. If you still haven't changed your mind, it would give me great comfort to know it. If you changed your mind and there is someone, at least I can start dealing with it. The painful news can slowly become old and eventually I will learn to accept them.

 

This is really the best I can explain it.”

 

To this she still sad no, and asked me not to write her again until I’m “better”.

I don’t want to think of her as a bad person, I don’t want to think that she’s hurting me for no decent reason.

 

So I’m asking you good people, am I crazy to want to know? And is it wrong for me to assume that the effort of writing one anonymous line “I’ve changed my mind” is not only doable, but should be done without asking if it helps someone you once loved sleep at night, eat, think, function…

 

I can’t help to think, why does this person that said “I love you” to me for years wants to now meaninglessly hurt me like this?

 

Please give me some objective opinions (friends would take sides)

 

And also, please give me some advice on how to deal with obsessing over this uncertainty. I’m losing my mind over it, it is literally all I can think about all day... ](*,)

[TheJerseyKid]

Sounds like she might be keeping something from you, that's the vibe I get anyway, hopefully I'm wrong. Either way, you should disappear for a good period of time. She already told you not to contact her until you're better... It's not an issue of her not meaning the things she said in the past, peoples feelings change and evolve over time. None of us can tell you what shes feeling exactly at this time, but based upon what you've given us, your best bet is to go NC (completely and utterly) for an undetermined period of time, at least like 4-5 months. In the mean time, get your ass to the gym, hanging out with friends, picking up a hobby or two, concerts, hiking. At first it can be even hard to imagine leaving the house or doing anything other than sitting there and worrying and feeling like crap.. then eventually, you force yourself to do something. And at that point you say "That wasn't so bad, I actually had fun. And I wasn't worrying about my ex at all that time" and that's when it all starts to click, and you can really start living for YOU, and changing things in your life around. You're in your 20's like me, I'm 3 months out of a 2.5 year ending. I'm doing pretty amazing right now and I would say damn near fully healed, or teetering on the edge at best. It takes hard work but the reward can be amazing. Good luck.

[jenny_mcs]

I imagine that something you said in one of your emails alerted her to the fact that you were clinging onto the fact that she was going to be "guy-free" for a few years. And she realized that it isn't healthy to be held to some "vow" she made to her ex, concerning her dating future. And also that it wasn't healthy to be sharing her dating/hooking up situation with her ex, who is still very emotional about it. I think she is doing the right thing for her. I'm sorry it hurts you, but I think that you just have to realize that she is free to date, she might be dating now, she might not date for a while, but since you aren't together, it really isn't any of your business. As the above poster said, enforce strict No Contact while you process this and move on.

[hello678]

It sounds like she probably is, but unfortunately here is the simple truth: the things dumpers say when they are dumping you rarely carry on, once they get over it they can and likely will brake these promises.

 

I do agree the not knowing is hard. I found out yesterday my ex was seeing someone new after under a month, and you want to know what? Knowing is just as hard as not knowing. Possibly even harder.

 

My advise? Assume she's doing it. That will stop you flipping back and forward. I'm not necessarily suggesting having sex with other guy but assume that shes talking to them and keeping her options open.

 

It really sucks to be the one that still cares when your partner has completely moved on and doesn't care about you. start a thread on actual healing, not these assumptions as only getting over her and moving on can help.

[youvegotmail]

I imagine that something you said in one of your emails alerted her to the fact that you were clinging onto the fact that she was going to be "guy-free" for a few years. And she realized that it isn't healthy to be held to some "vow" she made to her ex, concerning her dating future.

 

Just want to address the assumption you made, it was fair to assume this, but I just want to make it clear that I did not held her to any contract or vow. I also did not try to guilt her into staying single. As in, I never said anything like "I would kill myself if you told me you're seeing someone" or "I wouldn't be able to take it..."

The most I ever said was that for now it gives me comfort to know she's not interested in guys.

 

And also that it wasn't healthy to be sharing her dating/hooking up situation with her ex, who is still very emotional about it.

I did not ask her to share her dating situation. I just wanted to know if she "changed her mind" ... that's it. Why is that unhealthy? Please expand on this, I'm not trying to attack your analysis, I'm just trying to understand your point of view (which might be similar to her way of looking at things).

 

I think she is doing the right thing for her.

Why is keeping me from knowing she moved on, or me finding out on my own, in her best interest? Why would it matter to her either way?

 

I'm sorry it hurts you, but I think that you just have to realize that she is free to date, she might be dating now, she might not date for a while

As I said, I fully realize and accept that she is free to date. I also respect that the details of her hook-ups or relationships are none of my business. By why is a simple line that says "I'm no longer doing that no-guy thing" such a violation of her privacy? It does not indicate if she is actively with someone, or who, or what. It literally says next to nothing personal.

[jakel]

YGM, I have so been there! the trick is to stop torturing yourself. My advice Take the power back!

 

GO NC

 

As it is now the ball is completely in her court!

 

our happiness had better not be contingent on what someone else does or doesn't do

 

continued contact and will about her life will only fuel the obsession

 

Obsession : something that never works but we want it to

[d24]

i'm just going to be blunt because i think you need to hear this.

it is none of your business what she does when you're apart and broken up.

 

if you want to torture yourself with what-ifs regarding her personal life, and how that affects you (which again, it really shouldn't - you need to figure out how to accept that you're not together - i.e. closure) well... if you want to do that - that's fine. But don't drag her down with you.

 

Leave this girl alone for now. If you can be her friend without being possessive (because, again, she is not yours) - keep in contact. Otherwise, you'll probably end up driving her away. If being friends isn't possible, cut contact and move on. Find your closure. There's no sense in waiting on something which may never come back... you owe it to yourself to live your life.

 

If I received an email like the one you sent above from my ex, i'd think they were a sad desperate loser who doesn't understand the concept of a break-up. I have the right to do what I want, and have no obligation to 'check-in' with you, my ex, because we're no longer together.

 

Long and short of it, she's right. Don't contact her again till you're alright.

[twitchyfingers]

I think her response was reasonable.

 

She sounds clear on wanting space, so this is a good time to give it to her in spades. I agree with the suggestion to go NC, focus on yourself, and let time work its magic.

 

In my experience, it is just too painful to keep in contact with an ex when you are still really emotionally attached. In time, when you are feeling more centered and less attached, you will always have the option to try to reconnect with her.

[dramallama]

Ignorance is bliss with exes. Don't make an effort to stay in touch and to find out whether they are dating/sleeping with someone again, and you won't know. Eventually, you will stop thinking about it, and really, now is the time where you should start to tell yourself that what she does now is none of your concern because she is not with you now. You're only going to drive yourself crazy if you keep this obsessing up.

 

PS. SHE is not the one hurting you - YOU are. She is living her life and has the right to do what she wants now. If you stay in touch, then it's you that is sticking your hand in the fire. You still have the expectation that she needs to be careful with your feelings when she doesn't. Get rid of those expectations and cut all ties and then you will feel better.

[jenny_mcs]

Just want to address the assumption you made, it was fair to assume this, but I just want to make it clear that I did not held her to any contract or vow. I also did not try to guilt her into staying single. As in, I never said anything like "I would kill myself if you told me you're seeing someone" or "I wouldn't be able to take it..."

The most I ever said was that for now it gives me comfort to know she's not interested in guys.

 

And that probably makes her uncomfortable, because honestly, she most likely *is* interested in guys. I read one of your other threads and she was pulling away from you for a long time before the break-up, she initiated the break-up, and is just further along with being healed from the break-up.

 

I did not ask her to share her dating situation. I just wanted to know if she "changed her mind" ... that's it. Why is that unhealthy? Please expand on this, I'm not trying to attack your analysis, I'm just trying to understand your point of view (which might be similar to her way of looking at things).

 

Why is keeping me from knowing she moved on, or me finding out on my own, in her best interest? Why would it matter to her either way?

 

To put it bluntly, it's not any of your business any more. It's personal information, that, as her ex, you are no longer privy to. It matters to her because she clearly does not want to share that information with you. She is drawing some firm boundaries, and I think it is healthy to do so after a breakup.

 

As I said, I fully realize and accept that she is free to date. I also respect that the details of her hook-ups or relationships are none of my business. By why is a simple line that says "I'm no longer doing that no-guy thing" such a violation of her privacy? It does not indicate if she is actively with someone, or who, or what. It literally says next to nothing personal.

See answer above. I feel for you- you are clearly in pain, and we've all been there and it sucks. But I think you are so in your head and wrapped up in your pain over this breakup that you aren't able to see it from an outside perspective. It's not a healthy thing to be dwelling on, and it is an invasion of her privacy. She made a rash comment in the immediate aftermath of a breakup. You have expressed how much "comfort" it gave you. She doesn't want to be held to that statement, and now that there is some distance, realizes that the healthy thing to do is to go your separate ways and not know any details of each others' love life- or lack of love life.

[youvegotmail]

Thanks for all the responses. I see that I clearly must be wrong to feel the way I feel and I appreciate all the objective comments. As someone said above, I'm wrapped up in my own pain and can't see the outside perspective. So, thanks for providing me with one.

 

With that done, could someone give me advice (beyond NC) on how to deal with this? I can't seem to stop feeling hurt, and I can't stop obsessively wondering on who she's with and what she's doing.

[d24]

it's never ever wrong to feel anything.

it's what you do with it that matters.

 

we can see you're hurting, and struggling to come to terms with the breakup and expecting her to be very upfront with you... in a perfect world that would be fine, but in reality it's just making you seem needy and obsessive. It's ironic, because you're trying to keep in contact to keep the door open for a potential reconciliation, but you're going about it in a way which is actually pushing her away.

 

As the old addage says, if you love her, let her go.

You need to grieve the loss of the relationship and move on.

It's different for everyone.

I mean take me for example. I left my wife 4 weeks ago and am nowhere near ready to start thinking about relationships again, so I'm completely throwing myself into my hobbies at the moment, and am making sure I'm out nearly every day this week. It'll help me meet new people, reconnect with old friends, and take my mind off her... then hopefully, slowly, it'll feel better.

 

Hope that helped or gave you some ideas?

Long and short of it thougjh, leave her alone until you're truly ok with having her as a friend and nothing more

[iBroken]

i'm just going to be blunt because i think you need to hear this.

it is none of your business what she does when you're apart and broken up.

 

Thank you for saying it so bluntly. OP Its not your business if she changes her mind or already has.

 

She senses your neediness and the fact that you are clinging on to a hope that she will change her mind for YOU. Shes asking for space so she doesnt have to deal with it.

[youvegotmail]

Thank you for saying it so bluntly. OP Its not your business if she changes her mind or already has.

 

She senses your neediness and the fact that you are clinging on to a hope that she will change her mind for YOU. Shes asking for space so she doesnt have to deal with it.

 

I'm not clinging to the hope of getting back together, we're not. Even if she is single, this much is guaranteed.

This is a definite at this point, and it makes it easier for me to cope.

 

Likewise, it just would be nice to have a definite in regards to her "guy resolution". But now I see that will not be happening.

[mhowe]

Take it as a definite --- because she probably changed her promise because the potential has arisen. And beyond that, really, she owes you nothing.

[Ariel85]

I think you're the one who's making this harder on yourself.

 

First off, telling a partner you want to be alone, is an excuse to end a relationship. No one means it, and she didn't. Sounds like she's probably met someone or has at least started dating.

 

But, she's right. You are being very needy, and telling her that you need her to stay single until YOU'RE over the break-up, which is controlling and unfair. She ended the relationship, so she's entitled to move on and date whom she pleases, and she doesn't need to limit her romantic life because you'll be bummed out.

 

I think you need to start accepting the reality that it's over, and that you BOTH are moving on. You're still way too tethered, and making your emotional health contingent upon her actions. Which is also co-dependent, btw.

 

Let it go, let her go, and you'll start to feel a lot better.

[youvegotmail]

we can see you're hurting, and struggling to come to terms with the breakup and expecting her to be very upfront with you... in a perfect world that would be fine, but in reality it's just making you seem needy and obsessive. It's ironic, because you're trying to keep in contact to keep the door open for a potential reconciliation, but you're going about it in a way which is actually pushing her away.

 

Maybe you're right. It would be nice to be in that perfect world where people care about each other even if they are no longer directly bound to.

I still feel like if it was me (the reverse) I would have no problem being upfront with someone (if such directness helped them). Maybe I'm too idealistic.

 

I also think you're right that at this point I'm just pushing her away, and killing any possibility to remain friends down the road.

So for now I'm switching to NC, until I'm truly ready to just be friends. Which might be months, years, or never.

[youvegotmail]

telling her that you need her to stay single until YOU'RE over the break-up, which is controlling and unfair. She ended the relationship, so she's entitled to move on and date whom she pleases, and she doesn't need to limit her romantic life because you'll be bummed out.

 

Whatever you want to say about me and my problems, as I said again and again, I never TOLD HER or even implied that she needs to stay single for my sake. You are either misunderstanding, assuming too much, or not reading very carefully...

[twitchyfingers]

I think one of the hardest mental shifts to make as a dumpee is to realize that the dumper is an ever-changing, evolving entity. What they said when we were with them, and what the said at the breakup, may no longer be true simply because they've changed as an individual since the time the breakup took place.