Comparative Letters, for those who have yet to see the light.

[fissionfuser]

Both of the letters below I wrote post breakup of my ex gf of two plus years, but I never sent them to her. They were written simply as a way to find closure and get out my thoughts. Now, I think they may help in comparison to see what NC and time can do in terms of healing and getting stronger after a BU. The first letter was written about a week or so post BU. The second was written about a month after. I'm now three months out and doing better all the time. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, everyone.

 

***

 

Dear _____,

 

I’m writing this letter to say goodbye. I’m not sure if this means I’m not speaking to you anymore, if we’re not friends, or if something happened to me. This is being written so I can get everything I have to say out on paper.

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been such a long time. Ever since my sophomore year in High School when we first met until now, it all seems like yesterday; but it was really over three years ago. So many memories. You were one of the first people there to support me when my mother passed away, and you were one of the reasons I pulled through better than most expected I would. You did so much for me.

That first NYC trip we went on was a blast, wasn’t it? It’s the first real memory of us together, and I wish things were different so that it was absolutely perfect. It was just the first in a long line of amazing memories. Remember when you, J, and I had a tickle fight in my old room? Remember when we deemed a girl I was after “the deer” and that I hated venison? These were the best times I had in a long while before that. Things seemed to be going my way afterwards.

Skip ahead a little while to February 2009. I just got out of a relationship with my previous ex, and we started dating. The last two years have been a blast overall. But, I guess I don’t need to tell you that. All of these memories, from our first kiss, to our movie dates, inside jokes and memories (kissy game, hole at the top of my lofted bed), they all sting so badly. You see these things in the aftermath of all of this and just smile. I see them and weep. Because when I see them, I see what completed me torn away from me forever.

I see us together, happy, you wanting me and me wanting you, and then I see it all gone before me. Then, I see you happy with someone else, loving someone else, and I’m nowhere in your life. It’ll happen eventually, sooner or later. This pain I just cannot stand. I don’t know how to get over it. The truth is, you didn’t help me when you said for me to move on or that it will get better. All that said to me was that you’re already moved on, already distanced yourself from everything you promised me.

Where is the girl that told me she’d be there forever? Where is the girl that told me that I was the best thing in her life, and that I was her everything? Where is the girl that I was totally devoted to and she devoted to me? Where is the girl that told me she loved me forever and always, no matter what? Where is she? I want her back.

You tell me “things change”. I guess they do. Life changes from great to the * * * * tiest at the drop of a hat. Words don’t mean anything I guess. Out of everyone, I trusted you would always be there. No, I don’t mean to make you feel bad, but that is the truth. In the beginning of my college days, I didn’t have a lot of friends and I’d get lonely. I thought “well, at least I have the greatest girl I could ask for that loves me and I love her”. And now, the one thing that meant most to me is gone forever, as if it never existed. You were the one thing that made me feel complete and that life was worth it. Now, what do I have?

I know I sound desperate and needy. If I do, so be it. It’s the truth, and I’m sick of lying to myself saying I’m okay. In reality, I’m the farthest from okay I could ever be. But, what does it help if I tell you? You won’t come back. You won’t say you made a mistake. It’ll just drive you further away. In truth, I think of this every day, all day. I sleep a lot because that’s what numbs the pain. I dream I’m still with you, and that I’m holding you. It’s the best thing I have left. I’ve thought of suicide, but not seriously. I don’t know what else to do anymore. The pain is so great, but I never wanted to tell you because I didn’t want you to feel bad or get mad at me and go even further from me.

What hurts even more is that I feel this and you barely feel anything. This just solidifies my thought that I was wrong when I thought that your feelings for me were as strong if not stronger than mine for you. When we were dating I saw a woman who wanted me in her life badly. You were always so scared when I was going to go to college that you would lose me. Well, life is ironic, isn’t it? Now you couldn’t care less.

Part of me resents you for all of this. I was happy before you even knew me, and now that’s taken away from me for a very long time, if not forever. You were the one to start liking me and kept asking me out and what not. If I had just done what my head said and stayed away from you I would’ve been all set. But, that would’ve sacrificed all of our memories. But, at this point, I don’t know I going through this tremendous pain was worth it.

You said you loved me so much, but then you dropped me like nothing because you weren’t happy. I respect your decision, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like it. I (and my family) was improving, but you didn’t see it. I tried so hard, and you said I wasn’t trying. I cared so much, but you said I didn’t care. I do care. I resent you for all of that, for all of your failures you never took responsibility for. You portrayed me as weak, indecisive, indifferent, unsympathetic, and uncaring. I had my mistakes and faults, and I was trying to fix them.

And now, it seems like it won’t get any better. You seem like you don’t even want to be friends with me anymore. It’s like I barely matter. Sure, you care, but if you are so ready to kick me out of your life completely, how much could I possibly matter? So there it goes. All of our possible future. All of the memories we could’ve had. And to think I was thinking I would marry you, live life with you forever. Boy am I naïve. It’s so cliché, isn’t it?

I could go on and on about all of this, but I’m spent, emotionally, mentally, and physically. You know how I feel now. I just hope you’re happy with your choice. You seem it, but you’ll never know what you gave up in return.

I’ll leave it at that. I’ll always love you, _______. You’ll always be my babe, my honey, my sweetheart, my cuddle bunny, my everything. I hope you don’t forget me, or us, forever and always. I’ll always be here for you, one way or another, in person or in spirit. Pinky Promise. Goodbye, my best friend, my partner, my other half, my true love. I hope I see you again someday.

 

I Love You Always,

 

Fissionfuser

 

***

Dear ______,

 

It’s been about a month since I wrote that first letter to you, and boy have things changed. Back when I wrote that original letter, I was a mess. It was pitiful, and honestly quite pathetic of me. Yes, I still have my down times, but things have gotten much better. Your actions sure have helped me as well. But I’ll get to that in a second. I am much stronger than I was before. No longer am I wallowing in this utter sadness I felt early on. I’m almost two months in (I was going to say ‘we’, but there is *no* ‘we’ any more), and things are getting better, albeit slowly. However, I’m not writing this to give you an ego boost, I’m writing this to get out how I feel at the moment.

The last month or so has taught me quite a few things. First off, you showed me how much of a manipulative person you actually are. I never thought you would be someone to do that type of thing. You put stuff on your Tumblr addressed to me, and then you put something about someone else just a day later, and you think that’s alright? You damn well know I read your Tumblr, and the fact that you did that and caused me even more trouble just confirms that you are not the same person anymore. I wouldn’t even be surprised if you did it with that very intention. What, you think breaking my heart and kicking me out of your life doesn’t hurt enough, _____? I’m disappointed in your actions. It’s just immature bull * * * * .

Quite frankly, I don’t need you or anyone else to justify myself as a person. I don’t need your sympathy and I sure as hell don’t need you in my life to make me happy. You’ve already shown that it is relatively easy for you to just drop someone like nothing after so long, which just confirms my suspicions all along. Since everything happened, I have learned to take everything you say with a grain of salt. You never stay committed to anything you claim you will, and I’m just sick of it.

I’ve taken you off the pedestal I had you on for so long. I still have problems idealizing you sometimes. I’m in love with the girl I thought I knew, not you. With all of this time out of the relationship, I can finally see that you weren’t the best for me at all. You craved the power in the relationship, and you shifted all of the blame onto me at all times if you didn’t get what you wanted. You never took responsibility for anything that happened, and you were never able to admit you were ever wrong. I wasn’t allowed to be mad at you for any length of time, because you knew that in the end I wouldn’t leave, but you would. This power differential made is so that I was afraid to even bring something up that might make you mad. Sure, I did most of the time anyway, but I was sick of the power differential. If I had ended up staying with you, I would’ve ended up the * * * * * , always trying to please you and never thinking of myself.

You never recognized the importance of my family in my life. You always devalued the time I spent with my family, and you had this pathological hatred of my family. You didn’t give a * * * * what my family thought or felt, or anything I did with them. You even went so far as to try to guilt me because I went to hockey games with them, the one thing we did together as a family, which lasted a couple hours once a week and I even offered to bring you and make alternate plans to see you every time. That was despicable, and it’s clear all it was is your jealousy and lack of power that got in the way. Sure, they aren’t perfect, but if you can’t accept them in my life you have no place in my life. Its blood before water any day and as someone who is so close to their family you would think you would understand that more. I spent tons of time with you that I could’ve spent with them, and whenever it wasn’t enough I tried to work it out the best I can.

You wouldn’t accept anything less than what you wanted, and if not then you would dramatize the whole thing for days. I would get so stressed out worrying about what you were thinking and what you would do, and I didn’t deserve it at all. You never understood where I was coming from, and you quite frankly never wanted to. I would explain things to you over and over again, and you would eventually concede, only to ignore it and do the same stupid drama again two weeks later. You said you wanted me to be with you for things that mean a lot to you. And I agreed, and tried my best to do so. Of course, what you really meant was that virtually everything meant a lot to you, which made no sense. We’re not talking about just a birthday or a family gathering, but almost anything I might not be able to do with you become a guilt trip because it was “important to you”. But of course, none of this applied to me if I wanted you to come over or do something with me. It only applied one way, which was grossly unfair.

You never appreciated the things I did do for you. You stepped all over them and forgot them. One of the most telling is when you said I only got you flowers once. Sure, ignore all of the other gifts I have given you, ignore all the things I made for you, and most importantly ignore all of the love and devotion I had for you. You didn’t appreciate it at all, and you don’t deserve any of it. Nope, you just care about some petty flowers. You are a materialist, aren’t you? I always made sure I got to see you as much as possible, and with everyone else I had to see it had to be a balance, but you never appreciated when I did spend time with you, or all the crap I had to go through to make sure I could be with you. The truth is, I appreciated every second I had with you, and I never questioned your intentions or your willingness to be with me, and it wasn’t right for you to do that to me.

It’s apparent that you never looked at your own weaknesses and faults in this whole thing, and it will come back to haunt you. There’s plenty more I could say, but I think you get the point. This isn’t to say I was anywhere near perfect, but the fact is I recognize my faults and was trying and am still trying to correct them. However, you don’t even acknowledge your faults, not much less try to work on them. Good luck with that philosophy in the future, as other partners won’t be as generous as I if you try to shift the blame on them constantly. You’re just as at fault and imperfect as I, get over it.

I don’t have much more to say at the moment, other than I resent you for all of the bull * * * * you’ve put me through, both during our time together and post-breakup. This whole drama thing about you being angry at me over me not telling the intricacies of our breakup to my brother is not warranted, and you’ll get over it. I’m not some “macho asshole”, and if you think that you’re just deluding yourself. At that point, I was as far from “macho” as you could be, unless you thinking crying yourself to sleep, telling your friends that you’re hurt, and bring depressed for a month is “macho”.

The reality is that you’re trying to cope with this as much as I am, but your behavior is not excusable. Stop this manipulative bull * * * * and the antics. You’re not fooling me or anyone else. I wish you best of luck in the future. All I know is I deserved better than you and your treatment. I’ll find someone who ACTUALLY cares and appreciates me and the love and devotion I give them.

 

Regards,

 

Fissionfuser

 

***

 

I probably could write one now that doesn't sound as bitter, but I think the difference between the two could be helpful for many in terms of healing and development post BU. For me, it was a matter of personal strength and self esteem. Please let me know what you think.

 

Fissionfuser

[LP90]

Whats amazing to me is when i read both letters i felt like those were all the exact words i would say. Literally word for word how i feel about my ex now. Im on day 6 of NC now and right now i feel that if i wrote a letter it would just be both of your letters mashed into one. I keep thinking my breakup was in someway different or worse than most, but having read your letters, i honestly wouldnt be able to tell the difference of your breakup and mine. I feel everything just like you wrote it. I would probably place myself closer to the first letter in terms of emotions right now, but already starting to move towards the second one. There is definitely a change in your confidence and realizing that you deserve better and shouldnt have to put up with anyone's BS for any reason. I hope that in a month i will be able to feel the same way as well.

[Teaday]

You can tell a huge difference even in just the closings! ("I love you always" vs. "Regards")

 

Feels great, doesn't it? It seems that people like facts and figures, or things they can actually see when it comes to progress. I think these letters definitely provide that proof.

[Meriem]

Yaay I enjoyed reading this! Time totally makes the hugest of differences! You just see things much much clearly without drama being involved, hope you continue getting stronger, all the best !