How do you achieve the not caring?

[hello678]

So its been a rough month for me, yesterday I unfortunately discovered that she had rebounded straight onto another guy. To be honest all my little doubts and issues with the relationship make sense in the breakup. She showed her true colours and i'm ok with this. I don't want to know her and I certainly don't want her to back.

 

What I want is the lack of care, I want to see her with some other guy and not care about it. She wasn't right for me and I can do so much better. I don't want her to come back and I certainly don't want to talk to her. I just wish she never existed.

 

I've had plenty of past relationships and I couldn't care less about what those girls are doing. I'm just curious... how do I achieve genuine non care? I don't want to be this person who is constantly mad or angry about it, weighing up just how bad she was and regretting it.

 

The only outcome I would like now is simply not to care.

[apple89]

omg i been wondering this since day one and i keep failing.. sometimes i think the solution is to find someone else.. it sucks...

[Danny77]

Ha!

I wish I would care for her like I care for my ex before her.

A friend and nothing else.

[Carus]

MTom*

 

My ex lined up the new guy whilst we were still together. I was instantly replaced and they are still together to this day....that was 2 years ago.

 

The first 6-8 months are hell as you know they're in that honeymoon stage, but after a while you get used to it as you heal.

 

Although it would be so great to slip fairly much straight into nonchalance, unfortunately mate it takes a while...

 

But stay strong, DEF stay NC, and take care of You*

 

My ex is in a minority group. Most rebounds dont work, but some do....or so I found out...

 

The only sure thing I know is: You sure dont wanna be around to hear about it*

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[nsomnia912]

Understanding...leads to acceptance...leads to love.....leads to happiness...leads to not affecting...

[Mustachio]

If I had to give one short answer. Time. Continuing to live your life for yourself will get you to a point where you become more important than your ex or your relationship and then the fact that she is with someone else wont matter.

[deavyin]

I have to agree with the last post...time is all you can hope for in order to not care.

 

You said yourself that you were in past relationships and you no longer care what those girls are up to. Ask yourself this: when those break ups happened did you slip straight into not caring? I highly doubt it. Chances are, you did care (especially if they went straight to another guy) and now, some years later, you don't.

 

I'll give you my experience (one that everyone knows about by now haha). Was with ex for 5 years. She left me for my best friend. I wallowed in misery for 1.5 years which they were together. I truly cared and there wasn't a person on the planet who could make me say "eff it, i could care less". It's been over 4 years now since that break up. Guess what: I don't give a rat's ass anymore. She could be married or in a long term relationship right now and I could care less. I thought I would care forever what she was doing with her life...she was my soul mate. WRONG. I don't care anymore and I don't need anything to do with her.

 

My current ex left me just over 2 months ago for another guy. You had damn well better believe I care. Same deal: "will they be together forever" "will she ever realize her mistake". 4 years from now...there is no way in hell i'll care about this and I know that.

 

It's painful right now because it's fresh and your mind is still going through the motions. Believe me and everyone else here when we say that a day will come when you no longer care what she is doing or who she is with. Unfortunately, today is not that day. Don't listen to the people who say "she moved on, just forget it about it because it's none of your concern right now". They are right: she has moved on and it IS none of your concern. Doesn't change the fact that you care. She left you. She left you for someone else. It's simple semantics. SHE left YOU for SOMEONE ELSE. It's something being done to you. If it wasn't, the sentence would read "your relationship fell apart and someone else was there in the end". Obviously your relationship didn't fall apart. Your relationship existed and then SHE cut it off. SHE chose to leave you. It wasn't what was best for you unless it was a completely abusive relationship. Unfortunately, not many of us here, even with years of heinsight, can look back and say "man, i'm so glad I dodged that bullet". I am lucky in that I CAN do that with my 5 year relationship. Oh man what a destructive and abusive relationship that was. This last girl...nope. She was perfect for me. I just wasn't perfect for her. So, I need time AND distance. Eventually I won't care...nor will you. I promise that much.

[mhowe]

Time is the biggest factor. But, if you want to be proactive, set a goal --- any goal. Physical, monetary, home improvement --- whatever. Give yourself 30 days to accomplish it, or the first stage if it's really complex.....now, work the plan. The problem is time on your hands where you focus on what you don't have anymore. So, focus on what you want to bring into your life....baby steps!!!

[deavyin]

That's a good point. It's important to have a goal in mind during this time even if it's unbearable to work towards it. My goal...I have a couple: 1. get down to 180. I was a fat slob when i was with her at 5'11 225. That was way overweight and I was completely self conscious about my weight. Goal 2. be less of a slob. I am a slob and I freely admit that. It's something I never worked out and it's something I need to change. I never wash my clothes as often as I should. I let my room get extremely messy. My car is always littered with empty vitamin water bottles and trash. It's a huge turn off to girls. My big ex hated that I never even bothered to put my clothes away. I'd just throw them into a big pile in my closet and pick clothes out of it. My clothes would be wrinkled and i'd wear dirty clothes all the time.

 

These are the goals I'm working towards. I tell myself "you have 3 months to get down to 180" AND at the same time I give myself that 3 months to get over this. It's been 2 months out and i'm still reeling from a 3 month long fling with a coworker. I have a goal in mind but I adjust it as time goes on. Right now, it's NC for at least 2 months. When that 2 months is up i'm going to re-evaluate and push it even longer (NC forever?!...sure).

 

Even if you know you need to go NC and work on yourself it's theraputic to have a goal. Grab a calendar and mark down everyday until you reach your goal. My work calendar is riddled with personal goals. I marked down everyday I need to stay NC with her and I cross it off each day. I also mark down each exercise I need to do for 3 months in order to get myself down to my weight goal. I can look at that calendar everyday and see exactly how far I have come. I even count how long it's been since the break up. Some say that isn't healthy, but I do it to remind myself that it's been X amount of days and i'm still alive. That X amount of time has passed and i'm doing much better than I was before.

[JJohnBeCool]

I am having a similar experience. 5 months ago I dated this girl that I really really liked for a long time. In the end, things did not work out between us. But then the worst thing happened, since I could not forget her or completely avoid her. We have many common aquaintances, that may be friends of mine or her friends. In the beginning i felt normal around her and thought that I could cope with it. However, after a month or more, for various reasons (which could be valid or not), I started developing the crazy idea that she may be after my best friend or even worse that even he could be into her (you know how we guys are when a beautiful woman displays some more interest... ). Well, this has been going for nearly some time now and I cannot get this idea out of my mind, since my friend is does not say much about his private affairs. Yesterday, he told me that today he would go swimming with some girl and I cant help but think that she may be that girl.

 

Also, even facebook has become a nightmare, I cant help but encounter posts of her since we have many common friend. Everytime I see something I feel sick and I cant help but think that (for various reasons again!) that she may be into other guys that I know. For instance, she added out of the blue someone with whom she hadnt talked for years, who is also a friend of mine. And it all seems to me that she is out "hunting".

 

I know i sound jealous, crazy, obsessed or whatever and that may be true. But i dont want to be that way. I just wish she never existed or that we could somehow have totally separate friends etc. I mean i dont care if she finds someone else as long as he is not one of my friends, even better I wish he is someone I dont know. I am scared of the fact that she may be into one of them, especially my best friend and that they may end up together. I really dont know what I would do if that were true and I wish I could find a way to cope with it and be totally unaffected by it and whatever she does.

 

I am afraid that even if I meet someone really special, that even then I will not be able to cope with whatever has to do with this girl. I've even thought about leaving this country! It's the first time this happens to me, even though I had other relationships before. I mean i dont care if one of my own ex girlfriends got together with any of my friends. But with this last one, everything is soooo different. I do not know what to do..

 

The end..

[hello678]

As to answer this thread, time helps.

 

Another month and a bit on from there and I am doing perfectly fine in life.

 

Time heals all wounds.

[okiedokiestomp]

the simplest & most direct answer to your question is when you have processed all of the emotions related to her, the relationship and the breakup and you decide it's time to move on emotionally. The biggest mistake people make on this site is not fully processing the emotions they feel b/c they are painful and we want relief from them rather than face and deal with them. Grief work is hard stuff but necessary to get to the point you want to reach.

 

Also, I think it's important to point out that it is possible that you may always care about this person in some way regardless of the pain caused to you. I don't think that is a bad thing and I think this says a lot about the healing process in that when we have been hurt deeply we can grow in our empathy for people who we know have flaws but were an important part of our lives at one point even if we know they never will be again and maybe even in spite of the pain they caused us. It is possible to care about someone from a distance and not be emotionally invested in them. detachment is necessary sometimes with people we once cared deeply for but are no longer healthy in our lives.

 

my point is I would strive for healing and the rest will take care of it's self...once you have healed and you have processed the emotions then it truly will no longer hurt you to think of this person..good times, bad times...it will all be part of the time you spent with them and lessons learned. you may not agree with their actions or decisions but you can be free of their hold on your emotions.