We both have feelings for each other but she's sleeping with someone else?

[kennyc90]

So I started talking to this girl I went to high school with about 3 years ago. I was 17 at the time and she was 15 and she liked me but I never had feelings for her. Now I'm 20 and she's 18 (woohoo finally legal! haha). Anyways, we started having feelings for each other since I started talking to her around the end of last year. She admitted her feelings for me and at the time, I was still hungover with my ex and I told her that I don't want her to be a rebound. So we parted ways and haven't seen her until........ just recently I went back to my old town to visit and I decided to get a hold of her. We ended up watching a movie together, nothing else. Then when we both went home, I texted her telling her that I'm starting to get this attraction towards her again. I left town to go visit my folks and a week later, I decided to come back to spend time with her for 1 day. I talked to her and got to know a little more about her and the attraction came back once again. Then I decided to tell her that I had feelings for her and she told me she has feelings for me too. Nothing else happened.

 

The next day, I headed back to where I currently live. So we began to talk more and more and got to know each other better. Then one day, she admitted that she still has FWB with another guy and it really felt like I hit a hard wall there. Well, considering we're still just friends and not a couple, I told her to do whatever you want and I can't force you into doing anything. Then today we had a conversation about something and she brought up that she slept with that guy last night. This time, I had a hard time to swallow my pride, so I showed some jealousy. So later on I apologize for the way I was acting and told her that I didn't think I would be affected this much about how she comfortably sleeps with another guy. I also told her that I need to remind myself that we're just friends. She never replied back to me. So a few hours later, I text her saying that I'm sorry for being an * * * * * * * . No reply.

 

We both have feelings for each other, but the fact that she has this FWB guy is really ruining it all. I want to just throw in the towel but at the same time, I wanna talk to her about it. What should I do? Should I tell her how I feel about her having FWB with another person? I mean we're just friends though, it's not like we're a couple yet, but it's really killing me inside.

[dramallama]

Does she really have feelings for you though? If she did, wouldn't she have no trouble giving up her FWB and dating you? If you both felt the same way, you would be moving towards one another, towards the same goal. But I don't see her doing that.

 

I do see that you have feelings for her and have the expectation that one day you two can be together. The trouble with that is when the other person doesn't have that in mind. If she's made it clear either with her words or actions that she doesn't feel the same or isn't interested, then you can either choose to hang around hoping that she'll change her mind (doesn't usually happen), or you can specifically ask to date her exclusively, or you can cut all contact and move on to someone that does want to be with you.

[kennyc90]

Does she really have feelings for you though? If she did, wouldn't she have no trouble giving up her FWB and dating you? If you both felt the same way, you would be moving towards one another, towards the same goal. But I don't see her doing that.

 

I do see that you have feelings for her and have the expectation that one day you two can be together. The trouble with that is when the other person doesn't have that in mind. If she's made it clear either with her words or actions that she doesn't feel the same or isn't interested, then you can either choose to hang around hoping that she'll change her mind (doesn't usually happen), or you can specifically ask to date her exclusively, or you can cut all contact and move on to someone that does want to be with you.

I hate to say it, but I think that she's just playing mind games. I'm really starting to doubt her feelings for me because like you said, I would expect her to drop her FWB buddy and focus on me. I don't know how to ask her if she truly has feelings for me. She keeps saying she does and she needs to stop just saying that and actually prove it. What if I back off and not initiate any conversation with her? I think she's still mad at me about what happened earlier...

[kennyc90]

It's just so weird because she said I was the sweetest guy and she wants me really bad, yet she sleeps with another guy for sex. What the heck is going on? I've never seen this kind of bs before..

[dramallama]

I think the fact that she is willing to continue sleeping with her FWB is showing you that she doesn't want to be with you.

 

But you never know. How about you lay it all on the line and tell her that you still have feelings for her and would like to exclusively date? Then see what she says. No response = not interested. And then if she does not want to do that or wants to "stay friends", that is when you make a dignified exit and if she asks why you two are not talking tell her that it's because you two want different things from one another. It is NOT to play games or to get her back though. It is so that you can move on.

[dramallama]

It's just so weird because she said I was the sweetest guy and she wants me really bad, yet she sleeps with another guy for sex. What the heck is going on? I've never seen this kind of bs before..

This is one of those times where you should be looking at people's actions and ignoring their words. If she really wanted you that bad, she would make it happen, or be responsive to going out on dates - exclusively.

[kennyc90]

I think the fact that she is willing to continue sleeping with her FWB is showing you that she doesn't want to be with you.

 

But you never know. How about you lay it all on the line and tell her that you still have feelings for her and would like to exclusively date? Then see what she says. No response = not interested. And then if she does not want to do that or wants to "stay friends", that is when you make a dignified exit and if she asks why you two are not talking tell her that it's because you two want different things from one another. It is NOT to play games or to get her back though. It is so that you can move on.

 

We did have a conversation about this the other night. She told me that since we're 4 hours apart from each other, she didn't see "us" going anywhere. Then I told her I will visit her when I have days off and she didn't really say anything. I don't know if she buys into that. I mean she's moving 2.5 hours closer in September so at that time, visiting her wouldn't be a problem at all. We both agreed that we shouldn't start fast and we should still get to know each other more before we make it official. I might have made the mistake telling her that I'm okay with her FWB buddy since we're still just "friends." Okay so maybe I should be straight forward and tell her that I'm actually NOT okay with her FWB.

[InvisibleWound]

We both have feelings for each other, but the fact that she has this FWB guy is really ruining it all. I want to just throw in the towel but at the same time, I wanna talk to her about it. What should I do? Should I tell her how I feel about her having FWB with another person? I mean we're just friends though, it's not like we're a couple yet, but it's really killing me inside.

 

I know what this is like. Way back when I was 17 and me and my ex were going to get back together he still had 2 flings on the side... I tried so hard to just say oh well because we were not together yet but it killed me. And we both wanted to be honest with each other so if he had sex with one of them he would tell me the next day what happened. One of flings turned into him almost dating this girl, it was someone he knew from high school, and I just acted like it was ok but for me it wasn't. But at that time he was everything to me, so I just let him do is experimenting thing... Anyways the one he almost got with ended up hooking up with a guy at a bar and we freaked out at her then they stopped talking.

 

So once again me and him were close to getting together but then this other girl he had been dating casually came along and they started sleeping together 2 times a week or so. It was at that point that I couldn't imagine having a relationship with him. I waited, and waited, and after his sex situation with that girl he ended up going out with one, so we blocked each other until they broke up. It was a rough patch and to me I sometimes think he was playing games to see how badly I would stick around. I was always there for him so that didn't help.

 

When people are trying to start a relationship or consider it, she should be able to drop this FWB... Some people need for clarification though. Maybe she thinks nothing is going to happen with you and until it does then she will drop her FWB? I don't think that is right, if it was the case. But if that is not it then maybe its a bigger issue that shes not telling you.

 

If you back off and don't initiate conversation with her it could be a good/bad idea. You already messaged her and shes not responding, if shes mad at you then let her be mad... You apologized and that should be good enough. So what you got a little jealous its not like you called her up ranting and raving or something... Anyways I'd pay attention to her actions, you both need to want the same thing and it almost seems like that FWB is something bigger or she is keeping him until you guys start something.

 

It is hard to tell. You can always just open up more and talk about it too though. I mean it is of importance

[kennyc90]

Hmm I think I should really talk to her about her FWB situation. I think she feels "ok" with it because I told her that I'm "ok" with it. But right now, I'm sure she's mad at me because I came to her kinda aggressive.

[dramallama]

We did have a conversation about this the other night. She told me that since we're 4 hours apart from each other, she didn't see "us" going anywhere. Then I told her I will visit her when I have days off and she didn't really say anything. I don't know if she buys into that. I mean she's moving 2.5 hours closer in September so at that time, visiting her wouldn't be a problem at all. We both agreed that we shouldn't start fast and we should still get to know each other more before we make it official. I might have made the mistake telling her that I'm okay with her FWB buddy since we're still just "friends." Okay so maybe I should be straight forward and tell her that I'm actually NOT okay with her FWB.

Whether she had a FWB or not, she's told you a reason why it can't work (the distance) and you offered a solution, but then she didn't really seem too keen on it. She's not interested, sorry. She's being polite by not having to tell you straight out.

 

You really have no right to tell her that you are not ok with her having a FWB. It is her life and she is single and you two are just friends. What you can control however, is whether YOU tell her that you would like to date her exclusively with no FWB involved and then you can see what her response is. If you choose to stay after she's not really taken you up on the offer, it will only hurt you.

[kennyc90]

Whether she had a FWB or not, she's told you a reason why it can't work (the distance) and you offered a solution, but then she didn't really seem too keen on it. She's not interested, sorry. She's being polite by not having to tell you straight out.

 

You really have no right to tell her that you are not ok with her having a FWB. It is her life and she is single and you two are just friends. What you can control however, is whether YOU tell her that you would like to date her exclusively with no FWB involved and then you can see what her response is. If you choose to stay after she's not really taken you up on the offer, it will only hurt you.

 

Before you suggest I should move on due to long distance, she asks me to visit her when she closes down closer to me and she can't wait until I get to see her new place..

[dramallama]

Before you suggest I should move on due to long distance, she asks me to visit her when she closes down closer to me and she can't wait until I get to see her new place..

Yeah. But what does that even mean? Did she specifically say that you two can't start a relationship if you move closer? Or are you reading too much into things?

 

Plenty of couples get into LDRs, so I'm not suggesting that you move on because of that. I'm suggesting that you move on because it seems to me that she's not interested in being in a relationship with you.

[BiCurious2011]

I don't think you should make such a big deal out of the FWB...honestly. You basically gave her permission to keep on with it. She may have stopped if you asked her to...but you didn't. I've been in a very similar situation before, but I was on her side (or more like her FWB's side). I was sleeping with my ex. She started dating someone who lived about 2.5 hours away, and he would come see her some but not much. Whenever he did, he would have sex with her then but whenever there'd be times where he wouldn't see her for long periods of time, I would sleep with her. And he was ok with that. Well, I think she acctually fell in love with him and started acting differnet. She would still sleep with me, but it wasn't the same. I could tell she didn't want to, but since her bf was still ok with it she wasn't going to cut it off probably because she didn't want to upset me. So I cut it off for her, to make her happy. Maybe your friend's FWB should do that for her so she wouldn't have to "make the decision"? But in my case, I don't think it was ever really an issue for my ex's bf. If it was, he would've told me or her and it would've been over. He never seemed to matter any, and we're good friends. Anyway, guess it depends on the person. *shrug*

[kennyc90]

I got a hold of her last night and had a long conversation and basically I told her that her FWB is starting to bother me. We argued a little bit. I don't want to get into the details but I pretty much told her that I will give her up if she doesn't give up sleeping with other people. She tried to call me back and I didn't answer. The next morning, she texted me telling me that she wants to focus on just me and she's willing to do anything to make it work. I texted her and told her that I'll just talk to her about it tonight.

[dramallama]

I got a hold of her last night and had a long conversation and basically I told her that her FWB is starting to bother me. We argued a little bit. I don't want to get into the details but I pretty much told her that I will give her up if she doesn't give up sleeping with other people. She tried to call me back and I didn't answer. The next morning, she texted me telling me that she wants to focus on just me and she's willing to do anything to make it work. I texted her and told her that I'll just talk to her about it tonight.

You went about it the totally wrong way. You didn't listen to my advice at all. Instead of telling her that you didn't want HER to have a FWB, you should have told her that you have feelings for her and want to exclusively date her. That way, it comes accross as more of you trying to figure out where you stand, and less of "get rid of that FWB or I'm leaving!"

 

You should have asked her FIRST whether she actually wanted to date you - and what exactly that meant. Are you two in a relationship now? How would the logistics of a LDR work? And if she did want to be with you, would she give up her FWB? And then if she either didn't want to date you or be in a relationship with the title, then, on your own without threatening her that you are going to leave, you would quietly slip away and then IF she asks what's up, THEN you tell her that you two want different things from one another so you cannot be in contact because you want to move on. Whether you realise it or not, you are coming accross as manipulative and from the totally wrong angle.

[kennyc90]

Okay like I said I didn't go into detail with what I said but I said all of that so stop assuming things.

[dramallama]

Ok, well, I think you need to be very clear and get a clear answer out of her of the state of you two, and whether she wants to date and be in a relationship with the label and everything. If you are going to lay it all out on the line, then do it, and if she either doesn't answer or doesn't get back to you, then you know that she's not interested.

[kennyc90]

Ok, well, I think you need to be very clear and get a clear answer out of her of the state of you two, and whether she wants to date and be in a relationship with the label and everything. If you are going to lay it all out on the line, then do it, and if she either doesn't answer or doesn't get back to you, then you know that she's not interested.

 

Thank you for the advice. I agree with a lot of what you told me. I'll know for sure tonight for what it will be for us. I just wanted to give her the whole day to think about things before I call her tonight.

[dramallama]

Either way you will come out of it fine. I have been in your situation before and really, with unrequited loves, the best thing to do is to lay it out on the line and see if they are interested. If not, then say "I respect your decision, but in order for me to move on it's best if we are not in touch". Then for the sake of yourself you need to cut all contact, not to get them back or punish them, but so that you aren't reminded of them and stay focused on them. If they are truly a friend, they should understand and leave you alone so that you can move on. So either way you will be fine because you two will either be in a relationship, or you will be able to say that you tried and then you can move on to someone who will want to be with you, and won't need to be talked into being with you.

[kennyc90]

So I lost interest in her. I don't know how, I just stopped talking to her and she became really sad and attached. I didn't mean it to end it like that. It's weird how things work. Now I'm into a different girl that I met at a Best Buy.

[dramallama]

So I lost interest in her. I don't know how, I just stopped talking to her and she became really sad and attached. I didn't mean it to end it like that. It's weird how things work. Now I'm into a different girl that I met at a Best Buy.

Good. I'm glad that you are on your way to being in a mutual relationship.