AshleyLynne Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 My boyfriend has a younger daughter with another woman, as well as a daughter with me were expecting in september. We live together, and have since june of 2010. Weve been together since August of 2009, with a 2 month break up between december and february. I truly do not trust him around her, and feel like I have no reason to. Last week while I went to work 5a-1p, I found out she came over to MY house that I pay bills for at 6:30 in the morning for a 10am doctors appointment. I am sure she was there til right before I got home. Today, when he found out I didnt need him to get me from work and that my father was getting me (my car is broke down, he has a moped he sometimes will drive me the short 1 mile distance tofrom my work on) Instead of him coming home from his brothers to see me, he went to his daughters mothers house and said nothing about it to me. After an hour and a half of him not being home, I get worried and call him numerous times worried that he fell off the bike or something happened. He finally answers with an annoyed tone of (Yes Ashley, or What Ashley) and I ask where he is and if hes okay and he says Im visiting my daughter, Ill leave now and come home. Its been over an hour and he finally texts me saying I just got on the road now. Its hurting me so badly because I feel like it is all too weird, and his whole family always tells me how he loves me more than they have ever seen him love someone and that I should not ever worry about the babys mother. But I do. There have been MANY past arguements and even a couple break ups over her. I always tell him he needs to be open and honest with me about when hes seeing her and the time frame shouldnt be broken like this every single time. Any thoughts or suggestions? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dramallama Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 If he is in a relationship with you, why does he need to visit his ex's house (even if it is his mother's daughter) in person, instead of discussing the issues over the phone? If nothing is going on, why do they only see each when you are not around? Have you asked him to allow his daughter to come over your house, instead of him going over there? It seems very suspicious to me. Not only that, but he has been breaking your trust by visiting her behind your back. That would be a deal breaker for me. It seems as if he doesn't want to change his behaviour and that you are second place, so it's up to you whether you continue putting up with it or not, nevermind what comes out of his mouth that things will be different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AshleyLynne Posted June 16, 2011 Author Share Posted June 16, 2011 She is always welcome to bring the daughter here, and has done so in the past. She tells him it hurts her to see him with me. So telling him that she needs to only come here when I'm here and so forth, is not me being controlling or anything? Cause thats what I was worried about. And when I get upset with him over these things, he tells me I need to get over myself and that he's visiting his daughter. but seriously at 630 in the morning her coming here for the whole day? not even right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AshleyLynne Posted June 16, 2011 Author Share Posted June 16, 2011 She is always welcome to bring the daughter here, and has done so in the past. She tells him it hurts her to see him with me. So telling him that she needs to only come here when I'm here and so forth, is not me being controlling or anything? Cause thats what I was worried about. And when I get upset with him over these things, he tells me I need to get over myself and that he's visiting his daughter. but seriously at 630 in the morning her coming here for the whole day? not even right. And what about when the baby has doctors appointments, and I am at work during them. Should he not go to them, or no ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dramallama Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 She is always welcome to bring the daughter here, and has done so in the past. She tells him it hurts her to see him with me. So telling him that she needs to only come here when I'm here and so forth, is not me being controlling or anything? Cause thats what I was worried about. And when I get upset with him over these things, he tells me I need to get over myself and that he's visiting his daughter. but seriously at 630 in the morning her coming here for the whole day? not even right. When she says that it hurts her to see him with you, then it is HIS job to then say, "this is who I am with now and I am not going to talk about it any further. If you would like to talk about our child, then you can do so, otherwise I'm getting off the phone now." This is an issue of boundaries, and you've expressed to him that you don't like the boundaries being crossed and he has done nothing about it - in fact, he is ALLOWING his ex to come between you. Either that or they are having an affair. Did you ask your boyfriend why she was over your house at 6:30am in the morning? What did he say? Do you truly believe that they were playing checkers or watching TV together and not having sex? I think your boyfriend has made it clear who his priority is. And it's not you or his daughter. For all you don't know, he could be telling his ex that he's waiting for the right time to break up with YOU, then they can be a family again. So he's essentially told you to get over it and suck it up, so this is where you decide whether this is working for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Is he working, and does he pay child support for his daughter? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AshleyLynne Posted June 16, 2011 Author Share Posted June 16, 2011 No, he does not pay any form of child support. He just got a job Monday. But hes never had to pay child support. And no I dont believe they werent having sex, even if the daughter was there. Tonight he came home and immediately was telling me how much he had missed me and loved me. and i just was quiet. I dont know what to say to him anymore. I saw that she texted him saying "Hope you made it home safe, text me tomorrow" It hurts that I am just here getting my heart broken and nothing seems to be working. Many times he has called her and told her that he didnt want her, and he just wanted me. and then things would be great for awhile, then she always just shows back up. He lets her though, I know he plays the part in this. Leaving is hard to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AshleyLynne Posted June 16, 2011 Author Share Posted June 16, 2011 He told me she was just there. And that he was sleeping , BY HIMSELF. yeah right. I feel just plain out retarded for even letting this pass by me. I dont know if he thinks I actually believe his lies and am dumb enough to, or what.... And he only sees her like very few times a month not even once a week but i still am uncomfortable every time. and i dont think either of us are a priority to him, just what he wants when he wants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dramallama Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Actually, he's playing 100% part in this. If he wanted to put up boundaries, he would. But he doesn't want to. I'm not sure he wants to be with her either, otherwise he would be. So he is having his cake and eating it too. Yes, it's hard to leave someone - but he is most certainly sleeping with his ex. You are second best. So you can either put up with it and expect more of the same, or you can leave for good. You have nothing tying you back. You can only blame your boyfriend for so long (not saying he isn't a scumbag, because he is) ,before you have to look at your own actions and ask why you are putting up with it. Your nagging is not going to change anything. Just dump this loser and go NC on him. Let him have his ex if that is what he wants. In time you will see with NC and distance that your self esteem will rise and you won't even want to be back with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 It sounds like she still wants him, and he's not discouraging that, possibly because if he quits encouraging her and she knows he's not coming back, she'll get mad and ask for child support. She's his ex, so he should only see her for periods of time when they exchange their daughter (i.e., dropping her off or picking her up) and there is no reason for his ex to hang around your house for hours or him stay at hers for hours. This is a loaded situation, where he's got two women who want him, and he gets to drift back and forth when he's in the mood. So he needs to respect that you and he are trying to be a family now and have a baby on the way, and he needs to draw the line and fully commit to you and stop having his ex be a large part of his life, because it encourages her and is not fair to either of you. There are some guys who just go about having a bunch of children with a bunch of different baby mommas and drift among them and don't work much while living/with off the various mammas. Don't get yourself into that situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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