pinkelephant Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Hi everyone, Just before I tell the story, I want to make it clear that there is no doubt about his feelings toward me and that I do not want to break up with him. I would appreciate it if you had ideas about how to make this situation better and how to make me feel better about it. This friend of his is his recent ex girlfriend with autism. Her family and his family are close friends and thus, she will never be out of the picture. She reacted quite badly toward me when he wanted to hang out with their group of friends, by saying she did not want me there. This behaviour has made me feel doubtful of their "friendship", but to him, she's just being peculiar and didn't think twice about it. She invited me to her birthday lunch with her family as a way to show that there's nothing between the two of them anymore. I could see that through their interactions. So in return, I invited her over for dinner with my bf and I. However, due to traffic and a pit stop (for gas), I got there late, way past dinner time. I didn't call, but I did tell her ahead of time that I might be late (I live very far away). However, she never came over for dinner and I was upset because she never came BUT I was also very late... After that incident, we didn't make any attempts to talk to each other. However, she continued to refuse to let me join in their group activities (lunch, studying, etc.). Thus, the battle begins. I wanted him to distance himself from her.. I got upset whenever her name came up and we'd end up having fights after fights. He started to not tell me anything about her anymore. Whenever they hung out, he'd keep it from me. He then had a conference to go to during spring break, which was fully funded. To make the most out of it, he wanted to stay there for a week. He didn't know others who were going to the conference, so he asked her to come along. She could afford it and was going to go to a place close by to visit her family anyway, so she went. She was there with him on his trip which he told me he was alone for. I found out much later that he went on this trip with her. She posted pictures of them together on facebook, but made it so I can't see it by blocking me. This made me incredibly upset and here we are. We fought for a month over this. We had extremely long I talked to him about it and he said she wanted to write me an email explaining that the trip didn't mean anything and she didn't mean anything by it. He said she's autistic and probably has no idea that her actions affect me and that her not feeling comfortable with me had any bearing on our relationship. Regardless, I am upset by these series of events. Typing this out, I'm not sure that I believe that, but I'm willing to be okay with this and make it work. What can he do to make this better? He's willing to do anything, besides severe his friendship with her, to make me feel better about this. He is going to talk to her about her actions and hope that she understands and stop. But what else? I feel like I have been wronged and deserve something better than this. What do you think??
dramallama Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 So this "friend" is really his ex girlfriend? What has autism got to do with it? Does that give them both a get out of jail free card? I think it is fair that your boyfriend distance himself from his EX if it makes you uncomfortable, and especially that she has been outright rude to you. He went behind your back to go on a trip with her. Either he is cheating on you, or he is totally overstepping the boundaries of a relationship. He is choosing HER over you. But you don't want to be told to break up with him, so I can't really give you advice except that it wouldn't fly with me.
Oneironaut Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Going on a trip with an ex would pretty much be a deal-breaker, for me. Obviously he felt justified in lying about it, so, what else is he feeling justified about lying about? Why is she so important to him that he was willing to put your relationship on the line?
mrwebcam Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I guess if another woman is more important to him then you,he must not be serious about your relationship. Good luck on this hope you make the right descion, you should be priority number 1 to him not 2nd
banal Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Ultimatum time. Either she goes, or you go. I'm not saying break up with him over what he did because it's very possible that he doesn't appreciate the extent of the pain you're feeling. Taking his side of the story, if there is nothing between them, then his attitude is totally "what's the big deal?" Well, you need to convince him that it is a big deal. Sure, he can stay friends with her, but he cannot go anywhere with her like he has done so, especially not furtively. After you've voiced your feelings, if he still wants to see her as much as he does, then it's time to ship him out.
greywolf Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Is this a new guy, or did you get back together with your ex? Honestly, I know you said you don't want to break up with him, but if it's a new guy, and you've only been together for a month or so, then just cut your losses. If it's the ex, then my advice is the same, because you've been having problems with him for a very long time now. I don't think he's being honest with you. I wouldn't say that he is cheating, but I do think there's way more to their relationship than he is revealing.
Miss Firecracker Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Oh, well...different strokes. He's conveniently using the autism as an excuse to cheat on you. He is cheating, you know that?
abitbroken Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I think that you made it clear to your ex that you were "okay" with his seeing her because you even tried to invite her to things. Clearly, she still has feelings if she tries to block you out of their circle. bcause she has autism, did that make you justify in your mind that she is less threatening and "okay" to hang with. her feelings for him past or present are no less valid or strong than someone without autism. So what if the families are close. It doesn't mean he has to hang out with her. My brother briefly dated my dad's close friend's daughter. My brother is with someone new and hasn't seen or heard form the daughter in years, although my dad and her dad are extremely close. She went to college, moved on, etc, even though living in the area. Yes, it is possible for him to not see her. "the families are friends" usually more extends to the parents. Maybe if it is a surprise party for one of the parents, both would be in attendance but for the most part...no. Seriously, he either thinks you are stupid and expects to have her as his side girlfriend forever or he is flattered by her pursuit of him. I agree that the trip would be a major dealbreaker. Sure, I can see where he would not mention her anymore to keep the peace, but you have a totally valid point for him not to see her in a one-on-one way because she clearly has feelings and maybe he does too - even if he doesn't awnt to be her boyfriend - he won't cut the cord. I would dump his sorry butt, seriously. My ex did this to me with the girl he mooned over in college - she had someone else that she was engaged to. And he would go stop by and not tel me.
jenny_mcs Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 but I'm willing to be okay with this and make it work. I think you need to really take some time and figure out why you are twisting every which way and bending over backwards to find a way to accept and "be okay" with being treated extremely poorly.
pinkelephant Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 He is not cheating... If the friend was simply his bestfriend of 7 years and not his ex, would the responses be different?
pinkelephant Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 After that I requested that he distanced himself from her, a request he said was out of the question since she is just a friend. This is after I was upset she didn't show up for dinner. I came at a time that is late for dinner time, but I also said that I'd be leaving at 6 and it usually takes me 2-3 hours to get there. After that, I felt animosity toward her and he brought it up to her. Since then, she has not out-right refuse to have me around, but acts really quiet and uncomfortable when I am, so that others will ask her what's wrong the next day, she will then say because I made her uncomfortable. He, then, feels like the bad guy for bringing me around... He said she's like that around new people in general and has a really hard time with making friends. He thinks she's acting out of fear of losing him, and that she's terrified. He said he has brought this to attention many times and that she knows it's important to him. He is confident that she will come around. I really don't think he sees it the way you guys do. He doesn't see her reactions to mean she has feelings for him, because they had many chances of reconciliation since they broke up and she has always refused (which is why he moved on). She's also suspected to have an affair with a married man, which means she moved on already. I really do think he believes that this friendship is not a threat to our relationship. His friend, him and I went out for dinner and ran into her and she acted like I wasn't there, but he didn't seem to notice it. He treated me as well he normally does. Actually, I had just gotten there and he hadn't seen me in a while so he was really affectionate (pretty normal) even though she was there and didn't acknowledge me. He acts no differently than if she is around. I think that if something genuinely hurts me and I bring it up in a way that he understands, he will change. He understands that the trip was wrong and will not do it again. This has brought up doubt in my mind, simply because one should not has to be told to not lie... but he is a really passive person and has a hard time dealing with conflict. I have had many problems with the guy in the past, but the things I want changed are almost always changed. It just takes time... That's why I have a hard time letting go, because I feel like I could work on this and make it better. It has been working in the past, which makes me confident that it will in the future. He understands that the trip was wrong and will make it up to me. I just need to think about fair ways to make this friendship more fair to me. Right now, it just feels like she gets whatever she wants with no regards of my feelings and I want her to feel that there are consequences to her actions.
Stay_home Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Either the friend goes or "I" go. That's what I'd tell him.
iBroken Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 How do you know he isnt cheating? You were not even aware that they were on a trip together. I agree with the others - ex or bestfriend who is not an X, there is more to this story than you are being told
pinkelephant Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 How do you know he isnt cheating? You were not even aware that they were on a trip together. I agree with the others - ex or bestfriend who is not an X, there is more to this story than you are being told Why would they cheat? There is really no benefits to being in a relationship with me right now. For over a month, we have been arguing for at least an hour or two daily and that's the ONLY thing we do. If he was really cheating, he would just leave me...
pinkelephant Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Either the friend goes or "I" go. That's what I'd tell him. Why? If it were just his male bestfriend acting like that, would you say the same thing? If so, why?
guynextdoor Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Why would they cheat? There is really no benefits to being in a relationship with me right now. For over a month, we have been arguing for at least an hour or two daily and that's the ONLY thing we do. If he was really cheating, he would just leave me... PE you are a member on this forum for a long time, how many times are you going to find a thread where a cheater doesn't lie, cover up, or hung around until they get caught? We can't be naive, they are not going to just get up and leave. I would be a little concerned, can't say he is actually cheating tho.
banal Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 This isn't a male friend. It's an ex girlfriend who still has feelings for your boyfriend. And he won't let go of her, irrespective of your protests, and he's already lied to you about her, going so far as to cover up a trip they took. I seriously doubt that a male friend would make you feel this uncomfortable, and a problem would never have arisen.
pinkelephant Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 PE you are a member on this forum for a long time, how many times are you going to find a thread where a cheater doesn't lie, cover up, or hung around until they get caught? We can't be naive, they are not going to just get up and leave. I would be a little concerned, can't say he is actually cheating tho. Yea, but these forums have made people pretty paranoid too. It's natural because there are really bad stories out there. From my post, it is probably not evident but I give him a lot of crap every single day about this. A lot. If you didn't love someone, I really don't think you'd put up with this much crap, especially you don't even get to see them. I mean, what's the point? He has to jump through hoops and plan elaborate things to make it up to me. Being with her is much easier...
pinkelephant Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 This isn't a male friend. It's an ex girlfriend who still has feelings for your boyfriend. And he won't let go of her, irrespective of your protests, and he's already lied to you about her, going so far as to cover up a trip they took. I seriously doubt that a male friend would make you feel this uncomfortable, and a problem would never have arisen. Yes, the ex factor did make this uncomfortable and caused this problem in the first place. I'm trying to make her into a normal friend instead of an ex. To him, the problem is with me because she is really just a friend. They were pretty much just friends for the last year of their relationship. She's just one of the guys and that if one of the guys acted this way, I'd be annoyed but would not make it a big of a deal as it is. To him, because she's just a friend, one of the guys, I was over-reacting and he just didn't want it to escalate, thus lied about the trip. Not that it makes lying okay, but that's what he was thinking.
banal Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Yes, the ex factor did make this uncomfortable and caused this problem in the first place. I'm trying to make her into a normal friend instead of an ex. To him, the problem is with me because she is really just a friend. They were pretty much just friends for the last year of their relationship. She's just one of the guys and that if one of the guys acted this way, I'd be annoyed but would not make it a big of a deal as it is. To him, because she's just a friend, one of the guys, I was over-reacting and he just didn't want it to escalate, thus lied about the trip. Not that it makes lying okay, but that's what he was thinking. I see where he's coming from because I'm in a similar situation as he is. I am good friends with an ex of mine and there's absolutely nothing between us - our feelings lasted briefly, and they've been dead for years. There's no possible chance for anything to happen between us. None, nada, zilch. But, even so, I am aware of how arrangement could make my girlfriend feel, so if she ever asked me to stop "being friends" with my ex then I would certainly do so for her. I prioritize her above any of my regular friends. I think, "what if the situation were reversed, and what if *I* had a problem with it?" I'm not trying to say, "I'm a better boyfriend than yours." What I'm trying to highlight is that he has to be more considerate of YOU, because YOU are the person he supposedly loves, NOT his ex and not any of his buddies. He's aware of how uncomfortable this all makes you - I mean, you've been fighting for about a month now so it's a clear point of conflict and dissension - but it doesn't seem to bother him. I couldn't imagine putting my girlfriend through that level of anxiety and anger.
Huntress0527 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Ok, let's break it down: 1. Went on trip with ex (autism is not an excuse to make her seem less threatening) 2. LIED about the trip with said ex 3. She is his ex not a male friend not a female friend but someone whom he was intimate with If this friend was platonic your boyfriend would have had no reason to lie to you about the trip, he knew you'd be upset and for good reason. I think there is more going on here and you are refusing to see it by stating don't tell me to break, I don't believe he's cheating, she has autism etc. Your boyfriend is most definitely choosing her over you disregarding your feelings. He flat out refuses to cut her out, major red flag right there. I think you need to have a chat with him stating you are uncomfortable with this friendship. If he adamantly says he is not cutting her then you need to realize he just isn't that serious about you.
abitbroken Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 If this ex friendship was above the board and totally feeling-free, he wouldn't have to lie or hide that he sees her. You would be invited every time because "she's just a friend". It doesn't matter if she is seeing someone - that doesn't mean the heart or mind have moved on. Plenty of posts here about people who are with someone but really love someone else even though the other has moved on. Even so, even if there really is nothing, there is some sort of a hold she has on him or vice versa and she IS an ex, and the most recent one at that and he has an obligation to you to even if he is on friendly terms, for her not to be in the BFF circle. Even if she was a guy friend and he felt he had to hide it every time he saw him (not merely "forgot to mention he ran into Brad" or just didn't mention but hid it deliberately), then that would be an issue but a different one.
pinkelephant Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 What would this different issue be? And how would you work on it? Please don't tell me he's cheating. It's not helpful advice at all. I would really like to seek the advice I need. I want to exhaust all ways of working things out before I leave him. That's just how I am.
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