Our history HAUNTS me....figuring out WHY he has such a hold over me STILL....

[Robin2904]

This may come off as just a long vent but I'm frustrated. I've been doing a lot of self reflection lately. The last few weeks have brought me pretty down, after encountering my ex on Memorial Day weekend, seeing he was dating someone else, then talking to him a few days later, finding out he wasn't happy- then finding he broke up with her....but yet still doesn't want me. It has all really taken a toll on me, my self esteem, dredged up a lot of old feelings etc. I really just ask myself sometimes WHY WHY WHY does this guy have SUCH a big hold over you? I have always been a very independent person, more of a loner. I never needed anyone there, I enjoyed being by myself, never depended on a man. I was very hesitant to let anyone in. But with him I feel like I became someone I wasn't- someone I NEVER wanted to be. I was SO in a way addicted to this guy. It literally consumed me at times. I put him before everything in my life- even myself- that was how much I loved him. But I realize it was a lot deeper then that. We were together for almost a year....but it honestly goes back MUCH further then that.

 

I knew him when I was 15 (When we officially met I was 20) We actually came to know each other when we were both teens on Myspace of all places though some group on there for music. Let me start by saying I was a pretty awkward 15 year old. I didn't think I was pretty, I had issues with myself, very insecure. When I fist starting to talking to this guy at 15, he was the sweetest guy ever- I NEVER EVER forgot that. He was literally the first boy in ANY way in my life who made me feel pretty. I honestly think- though having never met him at the time (We spoke on the phone a few times though) that I was already pretty in love with him. I never wanted to admit that to myself. Of course at 15, this guy being miles and miles away, hardly knowing him....I kind of thought I was crazy.

 

I don't know what happened with us back then- I guess we drifted away. I remember he got a girlfriend at one point and I just remember being SO upset and not wanting to talk to him again. I had never experienced these feelings before. It's ironic now looking back because I remember how hurt I was back then and now it's nothing compared to how I feel now. Anyway- years went by. We lost touch but I did think about him sometimes.

 

Then in 2009 (5 years later) I went to his state for a Halloween party/Music fair. Its funny because I DID think about him as I went to that area, being that up until then he was one of the only people I knew from that area. I was there, having a great time with friends- and I look over in the crowd that night and who do I see? Yes it was him. I can't explain to you how I felt. My stomach literally dropped. I thought I was going to pass out at that moment. It was literally like everyone else in the room didn't exist and I just focused on him. I was too nervous to go up to him all night, figured he wouldn't remember me, but kept an eye on him. I went home and it really consumed me, my mind wouldn't stop racing....so eventually I looked him up on Myspace. I debated with myself for a while whether or not I should add him. Finally I sent him a friend request. Later that day he wrote me a message asking me how I had been and it had been a long time. I was SO surprised he remembered me from all that time. I told him I saw him on Halloween and he basically said to me he thought that was me, but wasn't sure, and he wish we could have had a dance.

 

From then on we spoke EVERY day online, then on the phone, and a month and a half later I went to spend New Years Eve week with him at his house. Those entire 2 months leading up to me seeing him was literally magical. I was on a 24 hour high. I was SO in love with him before I even met him. And our first meeting was literally something out of a romantic movie- I ran off the bus to see him and we embrace right in the middle of the bus station. SOO full of passion and excitement. I will never forget how that felt.

 

Looking back on it now- I feel like we didn't have just ANY relationship and maybe that is why I am having such a HARD time letting go of it and him. He was everything I ever wanted back then. He was literally my teenage dreams coming true. After we lost touch if you would have told me we would have been what we were I NEVER would have believed it- though I secretly wanted it so much back then. Our courtship, everything it was right out of a fairytale in my mind. We played our love story out to be some amazing act of fate, a fairytale romance. We would talk about how we were fated to be together- and though I admit the chances of us running into each other were pretty extraordinary....it doesn't mean we were meant to be I realize now. I just honestly think that our history has played a big part in my inability to let go. I STILL want to believe that fate brought us together- its hard to let that go....but I know I have to try.

 

I just needed to vent on this as its been weighing heavily on my mind lately.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Robin. Do you think that a lot of who you thought him to be was projection of who you wanted him to be. You fell in love with who you thought he was?

[Robin2904]

Hugs Robin. Do you think that a lot of who you thought him to be was projection of who you wanted him to be. You fell in love with who you thought he was?

 

Thanks

 

Oh absolutly! I fell in love with a dream at first. There is no doubt about that. And he definitly projected something he wasn't. He was very different from the person I thought he was. I realized (Though I always kind of speculated) that he told many many other girls some of the same things he would tell me. I have to admit that hurt me a lot because I wanted those things to be unique, things he would say to just me. To find out he's called tons of other girls 'Beautiful', beauty queen' and 'My queen' really hurt and cheapened every word he ever said to me. That's why I think things went so far south towards the end because after knowing this I lost a lot of feelings and trust for him....but that's another story.

 

I feel like I played him up SO big in my mind- even over the years we were out of touch. He was one of my first real crushes- and to be given the opportunity to act on childhood desires later on in life it was HUGE for me. I made him into this guy he wasn't. My prince charming. He helped facilitate this because when we reconnected he was nothing short of amazing. Always telling me how beatiful I was, complimenting me, telling me how much he wanted me. He made me MELT. I was SO consumed with this guy I can't even put it into words. It's like nothing I have ever experienced. My heart would race everytime I thought of him, when I saw I had a text from him I couldn't breathe. I was in this 24 hour fairytale place in my mind. I was in love with a day dream.

 

I really feel like the idea of him was far better then the actual relationship. Not to say things weren't great in the beginning- they were. The first week I spent with him it was amazing. The butterflies in my stomach were unexplainable. He would kiss me on the forehead, he looked at me with SO much love, he cried for me- he made me feel so special. It was amazing. But over time things changed. I realized the person he projected himself to be was VERY different from who he was. He had a temper, he would blow up easily, he was very selfish and that started to show more and more. And he was a player. That's what he did. And I can't help but wonder how many other girls he played like me....how many other poor fools fell in love with him like I did.

[Silverbirch]

Robin, that is sounding very much like how I think the truth of my relationship is likely to be although I didn't know him in childhood. I think I'm very much going through what you are too. The people who know me apart from this site are like: "Oh just get over him. You can do so much better."

 

As for making me feel special, yes there were so many things. I was recently reading a book that tells you the things men will do when they genuinely love you, and my ex did all of them and more. At the breakup, he told me that being wiith me in the early days was the happiest time of his life and said other personal things which had a lot of meaning for me. Then he blamed me for everything not staying that way, but wouldn't even give me any chances. He was just messing with my head. The thought he is probably totally over it all and with somebody else just feels like it is killing me sometimes. It's still hard right now and I'm doing my best, knowing that eventually I'm going to feel better - even if it does take a long time.

[Robin2904]

: I guess we feel similarly- I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone else. It sucks so much. I wish I could get him out of my system. The thought of him has been driving me crazy lately more then it has in MONTHS. I can't turn my mind off these days- I replay everything and I mean EVERYTHING in my head. Exhausting lol. I kind of feel like I'm just going through the motions these days- I hate that feeling.

[SummertimeSun]

Silverbirch do you mind giving the name of the book? I desperately need to read it. I just ended things with a man who I fell for because I thought he was in love with me...turns out he just wanted to control, smother and manipulate. I could use a good read oh what the REAL thing looks like.

[ferna3069]

wow robin it sounds like we are in the same situation. as you know my ex and i where extremly close. you like i thought of it more like a fairy tale. seriosly when i met this girl she was the sweetest thing i ever known. she was my dream girl litlerly. but after a while she started been selfish . just thinking of what she wanted. she would cry over things that she wanted or scream at me about them. i thought to myself shes going to change. shes going to be that sweet girl i met . shes going to say sorry for the way i acted. but instead she told me she never used me, she told me alot of the things i said here wernt true. she couldnt own up to the way she acted. she never thought about both sides only hers. she thought i would get mad at her for no reason but the feeling of been used is not the best. your ex played you like my ex played me. i know its hard to see this right now but we will find the person we deserve. alot of our ex's are ex's because there not the people we thought they where. i can tell u from the way he was acting your ex was strining u along same way my ex was. everything will get better . we are here because we are the ones that care. and that will bring us some one better

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Robin,

I think we have to just try and keep ourselves busy, take care of ourselves and give it more time. It's frustrating alright. If anyone else knows of anything else which helps makeit pass sooner then Robin and I both want to know!

 

His Summer, will pm you as soon as I get a chance with the name of the book.