Ex wife has a boyfriend.....

[crazydad]

After 7 months of a bad and ugly divorce, it was finally final. Now it has been 3 months or so and have been enjoying time with this great new girl. The problem is that we started dating before the divorce was final, so my ex has used that to attack me at every turn. Two of my children will not speak to me and the other two are very sporatic. My 20 year marriage was full of infidelity, pain, on and off, and many other issues. It seemed if she was on, I was off and if I was on, she was off. We did have some good times, but they were always short lived and replaced by issues. With all that said, she was the love of my life, therefore I didn't leave for many years. However, after an affair and three years of trying to work it out, we divorced. She had said for some time that she wanted a divorce, however, when I finally filed and found someone else, she changed her mind completely and wanted us to work. The classic of our relationship, I was out and now she was back in. Only this time, it was too late.

 

I found out that she has a boyfriend and it completely took me by surprise. Not that she had one, but how that fact affected me! I was devistated. Now I am rethinking all the decisions I have made in the past few months. I do love her, always have and always will. I dont want to return to that non-functioning relationship that we came from, but with counseling can it be done?

 

The girl I am with now is wonderful. Bright, smart, pretty, and way too good to me! I love her to death. However, she is not the mother of my kids and I do not have 20 years of history. So I am torn.

 

My ex states that she would take me back in a second. That this new guy is just a "date" and nothing serious. So there is a chance that we could make it work. So do I end this great new relationship with this girl that has seen me through all this bad time for a chance to work it out with my "soul mate" ? Why does life have to be so hard?

[ToF]

Who had the affair while you were married?

[Tanzi]

however, when I finally filed and found someone else, she changed her mind completely and wanted us to work. The classic of our relationship, I was out and now she was back in. Only this time, it was too late.

 

I found out that she has a boyfriend and it completely took me by surprise. Not that she had one, but how that fact affected me! I was devistated.

 

And the when it looked like she was out, you wanted back in again ... the classic of your relationship! How long do you want this to carry on for? Another 20 years?

 

Having said that if you can't leave each other alone then I don't think it is fair to bring other people into your lives. Mind you it sounds like you have been doing that all your married lives. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you two should be together but neither should you be with other people right ... well, not until you sort out once and for all what you want. Counselling may help ... but, after 20 years of "infidelity and pain, I'm not so sure. Maybe it will help you come to a final decision ... because that is what you need to do ... make a decision and make it final?

[Jetta]

Do you just want her because she may be happy without you? Or do you really want to resolve the issues. Because resolving the issues will take work and possible years of it. Especially when you're dealing with infidelity. Personally I think you should both release the past and move on but that may not be what's right at this time for either one of you.

[No1her]

im 23 so i know u know alot more than me but if I were u, and u know beyond the shadow of a doubt, shes the love of ur life, then I would lay it all on the line. I would tell her one final time i want it to work with u. let her know ur serious, if she balks thats it. uve lost nothing and u still have that backup girlfriend who u like anyway. if she agrees. talk it out for 24 straight hours if u have to. go to counseling immeaditely and figure it out. the kids thing has got to be tough. i cant even imagine. I would never ever want that. if u dont resolve that aspect, u may always regret it. just my 2 cents.

[Dezireey]

If you have had 20 years together and gone through bad times and good and have reached a point where you can't make things work properly, I think you should find the strength from somewhere deep inside and stay apart.

 

There is a pattern here and it is ultimately not a good one. It's perfectly natural for you to have strong feelings of love for your ex and vice versa but it does not mean that you two belong together. Sadly this is the case in many relationships. The passion and attraction can linger forever for some but compatibility is just ignored or brushed under the carpet.I think you may, in the beginning, both enjoy getting back together and even both try hard to make it work...........but like many times before, as you have said, you could not make it work.

 

If you feel that this new woman is worth sacrificing for your ex and that you feel that this time going back would be very different from all the other times, then you could try but think hard of the outcome.....you end things with your current lady, try to work it out with your ex......then things don't turn out good and you part again and by this time your current lady may be long gone and could have found someone else. Tough decision but I think this all really depends on how much you love your current girlfriend and if you are prepared to give her up.

 

I don't think having a history with someone, knowing them for 20 years or even having kids should be the main reason why couples get back together. You should get back together if you are deeply in love with them and are not capable of loving anyone else and they feel exactly the same and both of you will do anything to make it work ( and if you can't make it work, both should accept that you can't)

[crazydad]

ToF - She cheated very early in our marriage, then again a few years ago with one of our good friends. I also had an affair a few years before that, so we have both made mistakes.

 

Thank you for all the comments and input. I have talked to a lot of people, and started counseling. So far what I have learned is that its natural to feel what I am feeling. We were together for a long time, and we have kids. I honestly think that if I had a better relationship with the kids, I would not have such a hard time with this right now.

 

I have basically come to the same conclusion as many of you have. THere was a reason we divorced. I have talked to my ex this week and its very obvious, even in her dialog, that she hasnt changed. I will not go back to that... this new guy will figure that out soon enough.

 

The main reason I think this bothered me is that I do have very strong feelings for my new gf. She is great and has all the things I need and want in a companion. I felt guilty for having any kind of feelings for the ex and it made me question what I was doing. We are very good together, good for each other, and have a blast! I am happy with her like I never was with the ex. I cant lose that!

 

So, I will continue counseling and keep reading these forumns to cope with all this. My new gf is helping me with this and is my rock. I am very lucky to have her.

 

Thanks again.

[Tanzi]

Well its great that you have realised that. I really hope you can finally learn to let go of the last 20 years because, if you give yourself the chance, it seems you may find something that makes you a whole lot happier

[AutumnBorn]

CrazyDad, something you have to consider is that the two of you divorced for the wrong reasons. If you didn't work your way out of it, do everything you could to save it (and I mean you, not the two of you together - no relationship is 50/50, it's 100/100, each of you 100% responsible for your effort and actions). What you're feeling is normal, however it doesn't mean it's right or will pass.

 

Have you been to Al Turtle's blog? I had to read it three or four times to "get" everything he writes about. I think Al could have saved even my marriage. I wish I'd found him four years ago.

[Ariel85]

You're only considering this toxic union because you don't know anything else. You're like an inmate who's released after 20 years and can't function in society, because he's so conditioned for a certain unhealthy lifestyle.

 

Don't you want better for your life? Don't you want to earn the respect back of your children?

[Stay_home]

Stay apart.

 

Your marriage sounded very toxic and I have a feeling that if you get back together it will go back to being the same, like it was before.

[crazydad]

I agree and that is the conclusion that I came to also. I think in that moment, with all the emotions and crazyness, I was questioning everything! even my decision to finally leave that unhealthy relationship. After talking with many trusted friends and beginning counseling, I am seeing that. It was a fantasy of me with the kids and my ex in this great life, but that was never reality.

 

The hard part right now is that she has the kids believing that I left them all for another woman. Of course that is not the case. My current GF and I didnt even know each other when I filed, but I guess she has to blame someone. So one of my kids will talk to me some, but the other will not at all. It's a constant battle to keep working in their lives and being there for them even when they dont want me. I spent a long time being rejected by her and now I have to be by them. Hopefully this too will pass.

 

Thank you for all the input. I appreciated it!