Please Help, we're exclusive, but not committed anymore...

[elissa47]

Hi,

 

I am very confused and desperately seeking advice. My ex and I are recent college graduates who started dating 2 years ago. We had a whirlwind romance and fell very hard for each other, neither of us were looking for anyone at the time. He pursued me diligently and it took him 4 months to make me his gf. After that we were very happy....we called each other the love of our life and said we never wanted anyone else and that we would always love each other. Ok..so....I know some of you must be rolling your eyes at that, and yes he was the first person I was TRULY in love with (I had previous "love" experiences that didn't compare), but when we said those things I really felt like it was true and that we could make it work...that we were the ones for each other. So we were together over a year..the last few months of our relationship we were both very stressed for various reasons and kept fighting..the reasons I won't get into...but they were mainly due to communication problems and lack of consideration on both our ends. The situation kept snowballing and I was constantly an emotional wreck so he broke up with me because he felt like it just wasn't right for us to be in this situation and that it was a bad time and he wouldn't forgive himself if things got so bad that we couldn't salvage it. So he ended it. I was devastated but at the same time I understood why he did it.....at the time he said he didn't want this to be the real end for us but I was afraid that that was just him trying to make me feel better. So I avoided him for months because I was so heartbroken....barely saw him or spoke to him. When I really refused to speak to him he would call or text me in the middle of the night saying how heartbroken he was that I didn't want to speak to him....which of course would melt my heart and I'd talk to him for a bit. However, I really didn't want to make myself too available. Not only was I heartbroken, I also felt rejected by him even though logically I agreed with his decision to break up. I was afraid that if he had me around he'd never want to get back together with me because he didn't have the chance to "miss" me.

 

That lasted about 2 months...in a way I'm glad I've had the space because it really cleared my head and gave me some perspective on why our relationship was having so many problems. I finally gave up and let him back into my life. We don't see each other too often...once a week at most, but we talk multiple times a day still.

 

Anyway, now it's been four months since we broke up and while we don't act exactly like we did when we were together, we've made it clear to each other that we still don't want anyone else and still love each other just as much as we did. Neither one of us has dated or gotten physically involved with anybody else....both of us have turned down other people. This says a lot to me about where he stands as a guy because he didn't just immediately go out and hook up with somebody. We both say we're not looking for anyone else. But....we're in this very weird limbo where we just aren't together, not really dating, but still physically and emotionally faithful to each other.

 

Neither one of us knows what will happen in the fall, he is looking for a job, and I will be applying to grad school. He says he doesn't want to leave me and doesn't know if he could, but if he gets a job out of town, I don't know what will happen--he might go, or he might not. He says since we have no stability right now he feels like it would be wrong to recommit to our relationship since come fall we just might end up getting more heartbroken, especially if we are both so busy that it stresses our hypothetically newly rekindled relationship. He doesn't want us to try again right now when everything is so uncertain. Logically, I see where he is coming from, and I feel like he is right. However, emotionally I feel like...if I am the love of his life, shouldn't he want to make it work with me no matter what? Shouldn't we be able to weather whatever the storms are? I still feel emotionally rejected even though I know he still loves me just as much as ever. You see, I'm terrified of being in one of those situations where a girl is desperately clinging on to a guy who just won't commit to her. While I feel like this is a special case, I just don't know what to do. A part of me wonders if I should just get out now...but I love him so much that I couldn't bear to do that without very good reason.

 

I apologize for how long and confusing this is. I would really like some thoughts on how I'm feeling, as well as his point of view. Especially from males...I definitely have a hard time understanding how guys think and any insight would really help. If you have any suggestions on what I should do that would be appreciated as well. Thank you.