Overreacting?

[20sgal88]

That sounds like a very passive aggressive thing to do though. Is that REALLY goign to solve your problems?

 

I don't know. We'll see. Never tried it before. Nothing else has worked. I figure this much: he'll either get the point and really try to be more considerate of me or he won't. If the latter, and he just gets mad and throws his own hissy fit, then maybe we don't need to be together anymore. I gave it my best. That's all you can do.

[ant86]

What you're doing is kind of like fighting violence with violence, it doesn't really work. Optomisticgirl is right, it shouldn't always have to be "you do this for me, I do this for you". I'm in that kind of relationship right now and I gotta tell you, it's not working out too well at the moment. I think being in a relationship is about being able to give because you love that person, not because you expect something back. I see your point how you don't want him hurt and that you compromised for him when he needed it. But he's a guy and unfortunately doesn't see this skydiving thing the way you do. To him, he's just out having some fun. Are you willing to lose the relationship over that?

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't know. We'll see. Never tried it before. Nothing else has worked. I figure this much: he'll either get the point and really try to be more considerate of me or he won't. If the latter, and he just gets mad and throws his own hissy fit, then maybe we don't need to be together anymore. I gave it my best. That's all you can do.

 

I can almost guarantee it won't. Nothing is being talked about, nothing is being resolved in a mature manner - all that is being done is a passive aggressive move that states 'I'm doing this so you know how I feel, going to change now?' And he won't because the only person that can change a person is themselves.

[20sgal88]

What you're doing is kind of like fighting violence with violence, it doesn't really work.

 

Sometimes it does. If someone assails you it’s your right to fight back.

 

Optomisticgirl is right, it shouldn't always have to be "you do this for me, I do this for you". I'm in that kind of relationship right now and I gotta tell you, it's not working out too well at the moment. I think being in a relationship is about being able to give because you love that person, not because you expect something back.

 

Let me guess, is your other half the one that feels they’re doing everything for you? I’ve always done things for him out of love. I find myself doing these things out of second nature. I don’t even have to think about it. It’s only after reflection that I realize, “Wow that really worked out to his benefit.” Well of course! Why wouldn’t it?

 

It’s only after a few times of things not quite working out to my advantage that my wheels in my head get to turning and I start thinking, “I don’t think he’s taking the same approach as I am here,” I recognize an imbalance and am disquieted by this realization. It’s then that I attempt to analyze the situation and come up with solutions—reserving the hardnosed ones for last.

 

I believe one absolutely goes into a relationship with some form of expectations. If your partner tells you something, you expect it to be the truth; if they say they love you, you expect them to back that statement up with corresponding actions. When their mouth and their verbs don’t coincide, there’s a problem.

 

I thought a relationship was about give and take for both parties. Wouldn’t you agree that both participants go into it believing they will be getting something worthwhile out of it? I think they do otherwise they wouldn’t get involved in the first place.

 

I see your point how you don't want him hurt and that you compromised for him when he needed it. But he's a guy and unfortunately doesn't see this skydiving thing the way you do. To him, he's just out having some fun. Are you willing to lose the relationship over that?

Well, I’m a girl and unfortunately I don’t see the drinking-without-him-thing the way he does. To me, I’m just out having some fun. Is HE willing to lose the relationship over that?

 

I can almost guarantee it won't. Nothing is being talked about, nothing is being resolved in a mature manner - all that is being done is a passive aggressive move that states 'I'm doing this so you know how I feel, going to change now?' And he won't because the only person that can change a person is themselves.

 

If I attempted to talk to him about it, it would end up in an argument. How do I know? Nearly four years of practice! When he wants to do something, he’ll do it; come hell or high water and there’s no amount of reasoning or pleading with him to get him to change his mind. He’s hardly mature to not even consider my feelings.

 

Who says I’m being passive? I’m going to tell him point-blank: I’m doing this. Now suck it up. If he’s not willing to change, we’re just not compatible and are better off going our separate ways. We will have clashed for a reason. This situation is just the icing on the cake. There are a lot of other eggs, flour, and butter issues that have been rotting me from the inside out for a long time.

[OptomisticGirl]

If you can't talk to your SO about something that bothers you without in ending up in an argument, the relationship is already dead, IMO. Communication is key for a relationship. Again, you are playing that * * * for tat thing and as I said before - if you are playing that, the relationship is doomed.

 

It's passive becsause you are EXPECTING him to change. By doing this you expect him to change to save the relationship when really he could tell you the same thing - stop worrying and get on board or leave. If he were going to a strip club against your wishes I could see the logic of the passive aggressiveness but sky dyiving is something HE wants to do, it doesn't harm you in any way. By doing this and telling him to chose between something he wants to do and you is only going to drive him away. If you are prepared for that then fine but if your end goal is still have a relationship with this man, I highly suggust you rethink your stragety on dealing with this. You want him to change to suit your fears - you don't want him sky diving because it scares YOU - what about what he wants in this?

[20sgal88]

It's passive becsause you are EXPECTING him to change. By doing this you expect him to change to save the relationship when really he could tell you the same thing - stop worrying and get on board or leave. If he were going to a strip club against your wishes I could see the logic of the passive aggressiveness but sky dyiving is something HE wants to do, it doesn't harm you in any way.

 

It does if his parachute doesn’t open. He’s dead. I have to live with grief. I know I’m being paranoid. But isn’t he being paranoid about the drinking thing?

 

By doing this and telling him to chose between something he wants to do and you is only going to drive him away.

 

Funny how when he told me to choose between something I could potentially want to do and him, it didn’t drive me away.

 

If you are prepared for that then fine but if your end goal is still have a relationship with this man, I highly suggust you rethink your stragety on dealing with this. You want him to change to suit your fears - you don't want him sky diving because it scares YOU - what about what he wants in this?

 

He wanted me to change to suit his fears—he didn’t want me drinking alcohol without him because it scared HIM—what about what I want in that?

 

He HAS to let me do this. To both prove a point and allow me freedom to do what I want as well. I think you’re absolutely right about this whole thing. I am being selfish and controlling but does he not do the same thing?

 

If we are meant to be together, this is an opportunity for our relationship to mature and grow. He HAS to see that logic. If he doesn’t, it is what it is and all my other doubts I’ve carried with me throughout the years will have been confirmed.

[OptomisticGirl]

He could be but I suspect that's because he has had something happen to him in the past because someone drank. Have you lost someone from sky diving before? Again, that goes back to the for tat thing.

 

But again, that's you. You yourself said he didn't respond like you did when you asked him not to vs. how you acted when he asked you - you had a right to say no, I will not stop drinking. You chose not to, he has chose to continue doing this.

 

This is my point - you had a chose to not do as he asked, to say these are your fears, I am not those girls, and to still do it. You chose not to - which I would have taken the same course myself in your shoes but I also then wouldn't expect him to do the same thing JUST because I did. I would want him to do it for me because he loves me - if he can't then maybe that's the probelm in the relationship and that's what needs to be addressed.

[20sgal88]

He could be but I suspect that's because he has had something happen to him in the past because someone drank. Have you lost someone from sky diving before?

 

No, I have not. Some people have died in the past from it, though. Will he be one of them? I don’t know. Probably not. I suppose that makes my fear irrational. But that someone who drank was not me either. Will I be one of them? I do know. Absolutely not! If anything, I have more control in a drinking situation than he has in the sky. That’s just my opinion. I guess that’s open for debate too.

 

Again, that goes back to the * * * for tat thing.

I haven’t been able to understand that phrase. These forums star (*) out what you’re typing. “ ‘Something’ for that thing.” I don’t get it. Sorry.

 

But again, that's you. You yourself said he didn't respond like you did when you asked him not to vs. how you acted when he asked you - you had a right to say no, I will not stop drinking. You chose not to, he has chose to continue doing this.

 

Yes and I think it’s double standardish and crappy.

 

This is my point - you had a chose to not do as he asked, to say these are your fears, I am not those girls, and to still do it. You chose not to - which I would have taken the same course myself in your shoes but I also then wouldn't expect him to do the same thing JUST because I did. I would want him to do it for me because he loves me - if he can't then maybe that's the probelm in the relationship and that's what needs to be addressed.

 

EXACTLY. That’s what I’m talking about. That’s what I’ve been trying to say. I love him so the choices I make regarding him are a reflection of my love. I guess I figured he would do the same. Not that he was doing it BECAUSE I did it but because he ALSO loves me and acts similarly.

 

And that’s just it: he can’t and that is the problem in the relationship and how in the hell does one go about addressing it?

 

Cuz now, it’s easy to get lost in translation. “When you do that, or don’t do that, it means you love me or you don’t, or vice versa, etc…” It gets confusing. So…my first inclination would be to attribute this disagreement to a difference in personality and value systems. Maybe we don’t share the same kind of attitude and outlook on loving another.

 

I’ve just noticed this trend: it’s easy for me to do the things I want without stepping on his toes and in the rare occasion that I do, I relinquish. It’s easy for him to do the things he wants while stepping on my toes, and in the frequent occasion that he does, he just plants his feet in harder.

 

I don’t think he looks at it that way but I do. Maybe I’m overly sensitive and he’s slightly sensitive. Maybe he’s from Venus because he has a penis and I’m from earth cuz I’m the one that has to give birth. I don’t know!

 

I talked to a mutual friend of ours about this. She has some of the same problems of control in her relationship and feels like she’s always the one that’s responding to her boyfriend’s actions negatively.

 

She said, “Is it us being selfish or is it them? Or is it us trying to control them? I am not sure. Do you think we need to be more independent and like our own lives more and be less focused on them and the relationship?” But she said she does think that a lot of guys are really selfish and do not always put the relationship front and center.

 

I don’t know. My head hurts.

[20sgal88]

the for tat thing.

 

Oooh. I see.

[OptomisticGirl]

Exaclty, that someone that drank wasn't you but you could have bought it up and stayed with it. Perhaps it comes down to drinking wasn't a huge thing for you and you were okay with giving it up for him - perhaps he really wants to sky dive and doesn't want to give it up. Doesn't make him wrong but it also doesn't make you wrong in the sense you did somethign for him.

 

Yea apparently the first word is a word we aren't suppose to use. It's a phrase one uses, tite (without the e) and tat. It's the whole 'I did something for you, now you have to do soemthing for me thing', just another way to say it.

 

It's not a double standard because you CHOSE to give it up. You very well could have said 'no, I like my occasional drinking and am not going to give it up.' But again, that goes back to who important drinking was to you vs. how important sky diving is to him.

 

I think it's combination of EVERYTHING to be honest. If my fiance does something I don't like I know I can express that dislike and have a rational conversation with him and then he gets the option to a) agree with my concerns and not do it or b) agree with my concerns, do what he can to modify it to sooth my fears, but still do it. The thing is I have no control over what he chooses to do once I have voiced my concerns because he is a free thinking man, I'm not his mom and I don't wnat to be his mom, you know? I can very well dig my feet in (which I have a history of and am constnatly working on it) and beat him to death over the head with my concerns until he gives in but, does that really make me a happy person in the end? It doesn't for me because then I feel like crap for having stopped him from doing something he wanted even though I got my way in the end.

 

But that goes back to communciation - if you can't have a conversatoin with him about your fears and it be rational and not end in an argument, then the lines of communcation aren't there. You have to be bale to have a conversation with your SO in a environment you feel safe in to do so and you know won't always lead to an argument. But on the other hand you also have to be able to realize you can voice your concerns buit you can't MAKE him do anythign he doesn't want to and that sometimes all you can do is voice your opinion and let them chose what they do with that. If after hearing your worries he doesn't skydive on his own choice then fine but if he continues to want to skydive it doesn't him wrong and you right or vice versa.

[tresqua]

Maybe he'll chicken out?

 

I knew a guy once who was going to go skydiving for the very first time.. it wasn't his choice, it was part of basic training in the military. They get in the plane, they get up to altitude, the drill sergeant opens the door and one at a time all of the soldiers in training jump out the door except for this one guy. He looks at the sergeant, the sergeant looks back and sees the fear in his eyes. The sergeant said to him "Son, if you don't jump out of this airplane, I'm going to put 'Mr. Happy' where the sun don't shine".

 

I asked him if he jumped.. and he said 'A little, at first'.

 

I always liked that one..

[20sgal88]

@ OptomisticGirl: I don’t want to be my boyfriend’s mom, either. It’s just frustrating. I’m glad that I have these forums to rant in because if I didn’t I’d probably blow up at him.

I don’t know if I’ll really go through with having a drink with my friend. I’m waiting for my boyfriend to call me when he gets back. I haven’t talked to him since Wednesday at lunchtime.

I told him I didn’t want to talk to him or see him until he is safely on the ground. I said if he wanted me to respect his wishes to go, he would respect mine. We both said we loved each other and the last thing he said to me was, “Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.”

 

It just sucks.

 

Maybe he'll chicken out?

 

I knew a guy once who was going to go skydiving for the very first time.. it wasn't his choice, it was part of basic training in the military. They get in the plane, they get up to altitude, the drill sergeant opens the door and one at a time all of the soldiers in training jump out the door except for this one guy. He looks at the sergeant, the sergeant looks back and sees the fear in his eyes. The sergeant said to him "Son, if you don't jump out of this airplane, I'm going to put 'Mr. Happy' where the sun don't shine".

 

I asked him if he jumped.. and he said 'A little, at first'.

 

I always liked that one..

 

That’s priceless! I wonder if he will chicken out. He’s not really much of a daredevil. Did I mention before that he’s actually afraid to ride rollercoasters? That’s another one that gets me about this damn situation…

[OptomisticGirl]

Fears are weird. My fiance is afraid of heights but LOVES airplanes - he loves flying in them and everything about them but he will not get on a roller coaster that does the click click, click sound ot safe his life. And I LOOVVEEE roller coasters. So even though I would love that to be an experience we have together I know he doesn't like it so I just go with other people or when we have kids I'll ride it with the kids and he will be waiting for us at the bottom.