20sgal88 Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 My goodness, it seems lately I'm full of complaints about my relationship! My boyfriend of nearly four years wants to go sky diving with a friend visiting from out of town. I'm freaking out about it. In my opinion, he's being impulsive, selfish and way too risky. The funny thing is, he won't even ride on rollercoasters! I told him how I feel. I got really upset but he just laughed at me and is going to do it, anyway. Help? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RecentlyAlone Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 I was going to do it even though my bf didn't want me to I don't find that being selfish at all and nothing wrong with being a little impulsive! He will be fine, don't worry! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 You don't get to have a say on what he does on this sort of level. Should he get to tell you not to get your hair cut, or go bungie jumping? Honestly, and no offense here, you're not his mother. Tell him to have a great time, and mean it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sophie274 Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 I wouldn't want the father of my children taking big risks or unnecessary ones. I might feel differently if you had kids together. On this one though - he's young and skydiving is not an extreme risk IMO. It has dangers, but I've got to say probably close to half of my friends have been skydiving and they all came back in one piece. If he researches a reputable place he should be fine. I think you need to let this go. You've communicated your fears to him and he's made his decision, and this is not about you (as in, him doing it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or respect your opinion - it's simply his decision and I dont think he really owes you an explanation.) He's not being suicidal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JerkBrokeMe Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 When I was still with my ex he wanted to go skydiving. I really really didn't want him to, and told him so. But he decided he wanted to anyway, and that was the end of that conversation. You can't tell somebody else what to do and its not selfish of him just because it scares you. I'm not gonna look up stats or anything, but I'm guessing his chances of being seriously injured or dying are higher in the car on the way to the skydiving location. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 I wouldn't want the father of my children taking big risks or unnecessary ones. I might feel differently if you had kids together. On this one though - he's young and skydiving is not an extreme risk IMO. It has dangers, but I've got to say probably close to half of my friends have been skydiving and they all came back in one piece. If he researches a reputable place he should be fine. I think you need to let this go. You've communicated your fears to him and he's made his decision, and this is not about you (as in, him doing it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or respect your opinion - it's simply his decision and I dont think he really owes you an explanation.) He's not being suicidal. If she doesn't worry about him getting in the car every morning, she shouldn't worry about this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedDress Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Agreed. So far it's unanimous. With all due respect, he's not being selfish, you are being controlling. This is his decision to make, not yours. You can express your concern - but you have no say in the matter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sophie274 Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Hex, I disagree. Driving is a necessary risk, skydiving is not. People also may feel they have more control when driving - there is safe driving and unsafe driving. I understand why she could be scared - we can feel very protective of those we love and don't want to see them put themselves in harm's way - but I agree that her fear is disproportionate to the risk and over the top here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 It's his decision to do something dangerous, not yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Hex, I disagree. Driving is a necessary risk, skydiving is not. People also may feel they have more control when driving - there is safe driving and unsafe driving. I understand why she could be scared - we can feel very protective of those we love and don't want to see them put themselves in harm's way - but I agree that her fear is disproportionate to the risk and over the top here. When you get into a car, necessary or not, you're placing your life in the hands of every other person on that road. You can do everything right and still end up 100% dead every single time you get behind the wheel. That was my point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sophie274 Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 When you get into a car, necessary or not, you're placing your life in the hands of every other person on that road. You can do everything right and still end up 100% dead every single time you get behind the wheel. That was my point. Yes that's true. I guess the way I think about this situation is - it's not the OP's fear that's the problem. Most people's fears are pretty irrational - we're all afraid of snakes and spiders and flying and heights when instead we should be terrified of driving, eating processed sugar and having sex (diseases! unwanted pregnancies!). I think it's fine that she's scared for him, it is somewhat risky and also probably "foreign" to her in that she has little experience with it. What's not ok is letting this fear lead her to berate her boyfriend or (IMO) control him/be unreasonable in telling him he shouldn't go for her sake. Perhaps some research could help you feel better about this, 20sgal. Most skydiving operations take lots of precautions to ensure that accidents stay a rare occurrence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Yes that's true. I guess the way I think about this situation is - it's not the OP's fear that's the problem. Most people's fears are pretty irrational - we're all afraid of snakes and spiders and flying and heights when instead we should be terrified of driving, eating processed sugar and having sex (diseases! unwanted pregnancies!). I think it's fine that she's scared for him, it is somewhat risky and also probably "foreign" to her in that she has little experience with it. What's not ok is letting this fear lead her to berate her boyfriend or (IMO) control him/be unreasonable in telling him he shouldn't go for her sake. Perhaps some research could help you feel better about this, 20sgal. Most skydiving operations take lots of precautions to ensure that accidents stay a rare occurrence. I agree with this. Maybe she'll even try it herself to conquer that fear? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Where's Renny? Renny, another member here has taken up skydiving recently. I hope she sees this, she could probably give you a lot of good information that might lessen your fear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Sanguine- Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 I also agree with the other posters. You are way overreacting here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissancewoman101 Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Hey MG, thanks for pointing this thread out to me Yes, I am taking lessons to be a skydiver (to be able to do it solo). I have done a few tandems in my time. They are pretty safe, since you are attached to an experienced instructor who does most of the work for you (from jumping, to staying stable, to staying on course, pulling the chute on time, and landing safely). Also, if there is a malfunction with your main chute (which is VERY RARE), the instructor will release the backup chute, which should take care of the issues. Lots of people do tandem skydives, from the young to the very old. It is a lot of fun and very exciting. There are always lots of people at the DZ where I take lessons at, who are there to do a tandem skydive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunney Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 If I were you I'd ask if I can come with him lol. Skydiving...must be one of the most amazing experiences ever. Actually I'm kinda jealous your bf is into that stuff, cause mine isn't so much.... (but convincing him to go with me is a task I'm willing to take up ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissancewoman101 Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 If I were you I'd ask if I can come with him lol. Skydiving...must be one of the most amazing experiences ever. Actually I'm kinda jealous your bf is into that stuff, cause mine isn't so much.... (but convincing him to go with me is a task I'm willing to take up ) Yes, a lot of couples go and do it together. I see that a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunney Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Yes, a lot of couples go and do it together. I see that a lot. Yup and the good news is, if we crash and die, at least we die together lol just kidding, just looking up the skydiving accident rate per year should be enough to ease someones worry .. very veeeery uncommon! So just relax OP! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 I have hobbies others might consider "risky", but I love them and will do them because a life lived entirely in the "safe zone" is not a real life at all! Let him go and then let him rehash how wonderful or awful it was over dinner. Don't cage people up with your fears. That is the best way to lost them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
petite Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Licensed skydiver here. This is more about your wanting to control him rather than the sport itself. Yes, there are dangers associated with skydiving, that being said: Fatalities by Year (worldwide) about 30-32 in the US 2004 (72) 2005 (64) 2006 (60) 2007 (65) 2008 (64) 2009 (68) 2010 (56) 2011 (19) I would say those numbers are not that high compared to on road deaths in a vehicle or motorbike, house fires, plane accidents etc. I'm not going to ramble on about what might happen or might not happen - because my opinion would be biased when it comes to skydiving. Here are a few articles I suggest you read link removed link removed link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Asti_ Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 At the end of the day, you can only say so much. You cannot prevent him from doing anything...and it's not your place to be giving him permission to do certain things. I was not thrilled about my husband [boyfriend at the time] getting a motorcycle. Working in a rehab hospital I see way to many brain injuries and just had visions of him being my next ABI case. He listened to my fears, but the bottom line..he's always wanted a motorcycle and was in a good position financially to do so and was going to do so. I got over it. And actually got on the back of it a few times and surprise surprise...LOVE IT! I still worry everytime he's on the thing, but at the end of the day, its something he wants to do. Something he's become passionate about. Who am I to say "No you can't do it, its risky?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
20sgal88 Posted June 17, 2011 Author Share Posted June 17, 2011 I am very grateful for everyone’s input. Thank you all for taking the time to bring certain things to my attention. I would also like to add this, though: I’ve never drank alcohol while my boyfriend wasn’t around because he asked me not to. He placed on me projections from previous relationships. I think there were two separate incidences wherein both girls did something shady because she drank alcohol without him. One of ‘em full out cheated on him. Well, I don’t think she actually had “sex” with the guy, but they made out from what he told me. I could’ve got all “independent woman” on him and told him not to dare tell me what I can or cannot do when he’s not there. Furthermore, I could’ve told him that I’m not those girls and it’s unfair of him to allow insecurities from past relationships to warp his lens he sees me through. BUT… Even though I saw these flaws, one thing was more important to me: his wellbeing; emotional or otherwise. I do not wish to cause him pain, and so I agreed to it. I understand that sometimes fears are irrational, but even that realization does not necessarily make them go away. He felt the way he felt, founded or not, and I wanted to be supportive of him and lovingly complied. Now…I should also probably mention, I didn’t exactly feel like he was depriving me of anything since I’m not a big drinker anyway…so it really wouldn’t break my heart to miss a few drinks…and since I don’t have a big preference toward it anyway, I didn’t kick and scream when he suggested I abide by his rules since he did have a partiality—a big one at that. So I feel he should be more sensitive toward my feelings since I am toward his. If he knew the amount of anxiety him wanting to do this causes me, and really took my feelings seriously, he wouldn’t do it. Like I did, he’d think to himself, “What’s more important here?” I dunno. I guess from what I’ve been reading, an individual is an individual and is entitled to their decisions and their partner just has to deal with it. Is that it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I think it's great you took the putting him before your independent woman feeling BUT it's not a * * * for tat thing. Just becuase you acted a certain way in a situation doesn't mean he has to or will. It makes neither of you wrong but when your in a relationship and you start going 'I did this for you at x time for x reason' - it's not looking good. I don't think a partner has to 'deal with it'. A partner has the option to compromise (as you did) and not to compromise (as he hasn't) and in the latter if you want the relationship to work, you gotta talk it through. Some things are worth ending a relationship over and some aren't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
20sgal88 Posted June 18, 2011 Author Share Posted June 18, 2011 I think it's great you took the putting him before your independent woman feeling BUT it's not a * * * for tat thing. Just becuase you acted a certain way in a situation doesn't mean he has to or will. It makes neither of you wrong but when your in a relationship and you start going 'I did this for you at x time for x reason' - it's not looking good. I don't think a partner has to 'deal with it'. A partner has the option to compromise (as you did) and not to compromise (as he hasn't) and in the latter if you want the relationship to work, you gotta talk it through. Some things are worth ending a relationship over and some aren't. I suppose so. But wouldn't you agree that a partner who's the one that always ends up comprimising and sacrificing will start to feel resentful after awhile? It seems kind of double standardish to me. What's to talk through? He's doing it and that's final. To hell with how I feel. That's not important. But if it's something HE wants he gets it. Fair? So how should I balance the scales? I'm thinking I should make a date with a girlfriend of mine who likes to drink. Perhaps I should inform him of this decision and he can sit and worry and wonder what I'M doing and if I'M ok for a change. As cliche as it sounds, would it really hurt him to get a taste of his own medicine? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 I suppose so. But wouldn't you agree that a partner who's the one that always ends up comprimising and sacrificing will start to feel resentful after awhile? It seems kind of double standardish to me. What's to talk through? He's doing it and that's final. To hell with how I feel. That's not important. But if it's something HE wants he gets it. Fair? So how should I balance the scales? I'm thinking I should make a date with a girlfriend of mine who likes to drink. Perhaps I should inform him of this decision and he can sit and worry and wonder what I'M doing and if I'M ok for a change. As cliche as it sounds, would it really hurt him to get a taste of his own medicine? Yes, that partner will. Which is why that partner will either have to a) not compromise on everything (which you SHOULD be doing) or not compromise at all. I'm a very my way or the highway type of person, I have to work on it a lot and bless my fiance he's the laid back strong type. He's fine with me doing what I want most of the time and compromises a lot to what I Want but you can bet when I over step and it's something he isn't okay with, he stands up and lets it be known. It's kind of what you need to do. If you don't want to compromise all the time, don't. You shouldn't be the one always compromising. It is double standerish but again, that comes to the you can either deal with it or leave part. If he's going to do it no matter what it's a bit self centered IMO not to take in your consideration but you can't MAKE him take you into consideration just as you can't make him change his opinoin on strip clubs. Then it comes to do you want to deal with this or leave - which is your right. That sounds like a very passive aggressive thing to do though. Is that REALLY goign to solve your problems? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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