My "Friend" at work is a dead ringer for Histrionic Personality Disorder

[BellaDonna]

She has EVERY SINGLE characteristic of the condition in the most exaggerated way removed[/i]

 

I put "friend" in quotes because I no longer consider myself to be in a real friendship with her. She is so inappropriate on so many levels and extremely inflammatory. We became "friends" a few years ago but I really regret letting her know anything about my personal life outside of work. I didn't know how she really was and how downright nasty she can act.

 

She got too pushy and almost started acting like she was in a romantic relationship with me. She would call and text constantly and get mad when I didn't answer. She'd shower me with gifts which I kindly declined and got vocal and jealous when I went to lunch with anyone else from work. "YOU GO OUT TO LUNCH WITH THEM BUT CAN'T FIND TIME FOR ME THIS WEEK!" I have spoken up here and there to establish bounaries and even made comments like " Chill out." or "I'm not the type of person to be obligated to answer my cell phone- just ask my husband". I've flat out told her not to buy me any gifts. It's as if she uses them to try to seek control. It's a very weird situation. My best friend at work who is an older gay man swears she is in the closet and "obsessed" as he puts it and that she is looking for more. When I take a vacation day she goes around the building and to his floor and asks him if he's heard from me and why am I not in and gets angry. He also said she reminds him of a case of "arrested development" and thought "histrionic personality" disorder too. (He is actually a clinical psychologist so he can make that statement with more authority than I could ever do so)

 

 

I find the whole thing to be really silly. She's a married 46 year-old women with 3 kids. She acts more like a 13 year-old girl. I've also seen her act completely sexually inappropriate with both men and women on and off the job. She yells things out in meetings and cries over the smallest thing and will do anything to make herself the center of attention. Her behavior REALLY sticks out here because everyone else is professional. She really is the POSTER CHILD for histrionic personality disorder!

 

My struggle is that I am located just one space away from her at work. I'm finding her to be more and more of an aggravation. I also noticed that she was being aggressive during a meeting I had to lead this week, yelling things out, eating an orange loudly, and refusing to look at any of the handouts. Other coworkers are starting to notice it too. It makes for a really odd work atmosphere to be in. It seems everyone just tries to either diffuse or ignore her behavior. I think I am going to ask my boss if I can move at the next chance I get. What else can I possibly do ? I'm already emotionally distanced, made my boundaries clear, talk to her about work only, refused gifts, etc.

[BellaDonna]

BTW, when I posted about the coworker who yelled out about "naked photos" while at work it was HER.

[Seraphim]

She sounds like someone who is afraid to be abandoned but can not express it in an adult manner. It is exhausting and annoying and embarressing I am sure. I think the best you can hope for in ways of getting rid of her is to wait for her to be fired because it will happen. Wow I am sorry.

[Ariel85]

Is she a cast member of "Real Housewives"?

 

I think with people like this, they will move on eventually and glom onto someone new.

 

Do you have a good relationship with your boss? If so, you might want to ask what their impression is of her behavior. Perhaps other co-workers have raised concerns already.

[annie24]

do you have a supervisor you can report this to? maybe her supervisor can have a talk with her.

[jenny_mcs]

I would actually express my concerns to my boss, just so they are on record. It sounds like as you establish and enforce boundaries, she is growing more aggressive and unhinged. Wouldn't hurt to have some sort of paper trail about her disturbing behavior.

[BellaDonna]

I have a good relationship with my boss. I know she mortified him once last year when we had these big wig federal grant evaulators come and conduct a site visit. When it was time to discuss her project, instead of talking about data she began crying about the personal stories about some of the populations she works with and embarassed my boss. I think he would understand if I asked him to move and told him why. I just need a place to move to. If someone retires (a few are due to retire) maybe that will be my chance.

 

This woman has a very specialized job with a very specific population, that she is actually very good at, but her relations with other co-workers is far from professional. If her supervisor had a talk with her she would fly off the deep end and probably end up fired. Her supervisor is very passive and was even at the meeting I spoke of in which this woman was eating and orange and yelling things out. Her supervisor is afraid to take any authority in the situation. My boss is also so nice and he hates having to act like a boss. Sometimes he ASKS ME what I think he "should" do when problems at work arise. -Nice man- smart as Hell- but he's not much of a director. He doesn't like his own authority. That makes for a wonderful non-heirarchical work environment, but it also makes people like her have a free ticket to be out of control.

 

The other thing I find rather strange about this coworker is that most of us dress "business casual". Yet EVERY DAY this woman comes to work dressed as if she is going to a wedding. She wears a fancy dress every day, tons of jewels, etc. She seems to try to draw attention to herself in any way possible. She definitely looks like a "Real Housewife".

 

I wouldn't even mind so much that she is completely obnoxious. What I really don't like is how she is become sniping and aggressive. She wants me to think she is a "friend" but I don't consider anyone a friend if they act that way with me....and especially not if they hound me and try to boss me around! lol

[chitown9]

Hi BellaDonna. I am surprised that she has survived in your workplace this long. Management usually gets disruptive employees out as soon as possible because their behavior is so detrimental to getting the work done.

[BellaDonna]

It is pretty surprising that it has gotten this out of control. I think the problem is that she has been here for a while and she didn't always act like this. It is a gradual progression that has become worse over time.

 

It sounds like as you establish and enforce boundaries, she is growing more aggressive and unhinged.

 

Definitely. She seems to have no "filter" on what she says and does anymore. She is very defensive and aggressive.

 

OMG- as I am typing this she just texted me asking if I wanted to go to lunch! LOL Gosh if she'd only act slightly normal I would have no problem getting lunch with her but she's proven she can't have a normal friendship with normal boundaries so I have to tell her that I can't go.

[CatsMeeoow]

Well how does your friend the clinical psychologist suggest you handle it?

 

Why not just take the edge off a bit by just stating things like - "that's quite a lovely dress you have on today"... you know smile when you say it... smile when you say in a meeting "I've heard what you had to say... thank you... moving on now"... and yes smile when you say "yes - I had lunch with XXX it was lovely, thank you... hope you had a nice lunch yourself today the sunshine was too much to miss"... and smile and move on.

 

I've often found that when you acknowledge people with a smile and calm behavior (don't let her temper tantrums rile you up - and I know how hard that is to do... ) it sort of deflates their balloon. I mean as she is shouting at you that you had time for lunch with XXX but not me? Smile and say a simple polite yes and turn and leave to go retrieve something. It will take some work on your part to not let her sabotage your last nerve but if you work at politeness with a distance - which means you no longer share information beyond work - you can learn to look past her antics as they are no longer able to grab your attention. I mean if you have confided in her in the past and she asks about your husband - just a simple 'he's great, thanks for asking' and again smile and find an excuse to such as heading to another department to have some papers collected.

 

All you can really do is find a way to make the best of a bad situation - until your boss can move you or you leave your job.

 

Good Luck

[BellaDonna]

I won't be leaving my job, that's for sure. lol

 

I never get riled up in front of her. I always have my poker face on and I'm calm. Perhaps I will try to smile technique instead of no expression and see how it works. I think no expression gets her really angry. Maybe smiling will better diffuse....although I have to admit I have a really hard time fake smiling. I worry I might look sarcastic or antagonistic if I smile at her in a situation like that. She might also find it out of character for me.

 

Worth a try though.

 

Well how does your friend the clinical psychologist suggest you handle it?

 

 

He said if he were in my shoes he'd ignore her. He also tries to diffuse the situation when she goes on one of her rampages looking for me when I take a vacation day. He tells her things like "Oh I have not heard from Bella" and "Bella's not the kind of friend you can keep tabs on". She is very jealous of him because we are good friends. It's hard for him to give objective advice since he is inside the situation too. He's been on the receiving end of her aggressive comments before. One of the things I actually feel pretty bad about is that he is gay, but not "out" in the workplace- yet she goes out of her way to make it known. It's not that he denies who he is- if he were asked he would say yes, I am gay. His sexuality has no effect on his job and isn't important. He wants his personal life personal. That's his choice. Yet one of the ways she tries to "break" or embarrass him is to blurt things out to him like "Oh too bad you don't like women" and make other loud comments that turn him red in the face like "that guy was checking you out".

 

When she does that he just doesn't acknowledge it but I know he is mortified. She probably could have been charged with sexual harassment at least 50 times since I've worked here. I guess we are all enablers. No one wants to be the one to really speak up. I don't feel sexually harassed by her in any way. In fact I don't think there is anything a man or woman could do or say that would make me feel victimized in that regard but I do feel like she is grossly inappropriate in all areas of her conduct and is sort of the pink elephant in the room here.

[CatsMeeoow]

Ok - trust me... smiling helps... even a faked one and if you come off as sarcastic well that's indeed what you are but in my opinion you are being nice, pleasant, and professional in the work place.

 

There is a girl in my office who for whatever reason has her struggles. To make the same mistake over and over again despite being there 10yrs... everyone rolls their eyes when working with this girl. What I see though is something completely different - I see a girl with extreme loyalty. If you need to switch shifts or call at the last minute she is never one to tell you no unless she has to be in class. She rearranges things to help cover for you. She always smiles. Though others may say disrespectful things about others they work with she never complains about anyone. Sure it takes her twice as long to do something and it may not always be correct but she is incredibly pleasant to customers, remembers them or knows them from somewhere and always say something nice about them. Rather than constantly complain about what she isn't doing (cause after 10yr that's not likely going to change regardless what you say)- I appreciate what she is doing.

 

You already mentioned your co-worker is great at what she does. Keep that in mind.

 

The other thing I always do is to imagine or fill in the blanks. Sometimes I have a client come in just acting like the horse's rear end to staff. I remember to smile and be pleasant and if they share an issue I do my best to be sympathetic and if not I just let them be - but I remind the staff that maybe this person just had the most god awful day and why it isn't right to take it out here the best we can do is to remember not to take it personally. 9 times out of 10 the person later comes back and apologizes so I keep telling the staff that none of us had any idea that in the hours before they were here a parent was diagnosed with cancer, they got traffic ticket, their car got towed, their purse was stolen, their spouse filed for divorce. All we see is a 30minute block and sometimes we just have to remind ourselves its not personal - its hard sometimes though when someone is yelling at you for no apparent reason that you can fix...

 

What my point is - this woman dresses to the 9's for work. What if her home life really sucks? What if her husband drinks himself silly or cheats on her multiple times? What if her kid has repeated the 2nd grade for the third time now? Sometimes its makes it easier to smile at someone when you realize that perhaps all her issues are the result that she is truly miserable. She is so desperate for attention because she gets none at home. She lacks in social skills so greatly that her means to go about getting attention are terribly flawed. Sometimes when you can feel sorrow/pity it makes it easier to smile... smile and realize how lucky you are that these are not your issues...

 

Good Luck

[BellaDonna]

I do know her home life is very good. Frankly, I don't think she'd allow it to be any other way. I think she controls the entire family. We all already know about her husband's naked pics. lol But I hear her on the phone with him (flirting out loud -more inappropriate stuff) and he also bought her a brand new truck and 2 karat diamond for their recent anniversary. She has 3 kids that are straight A students at the top of their class and she is a millionaire on paper. If any one of them was out of line at home she'd be very vocal about it at work.

 

I think she has a personality disorder that must have stemmed from childhood. I don't know what her background is in that regard. She seems to be good with her kids and good with her clients. In fact I think she is good with anyone that looks up to her. However in the workplace with other adults, on level ground, she really has issues. It will be interesting to see how this turns out. I think eventually it is likely that someone from an outside agency might file a complaint if she flies off the handle at an external meeting or acts sexually inappropriate. It might have to come from someone outside of my company in order to force my boss to take action and ask her to change her behavior.

[CatsMeeoow]

I do know her home life is very good. Frankly, I don't think she'd allow it to be any other way. I think she controls the entire family. We all already know about her husband's naked pics. lol But I hear her on the phone with him (flirting out loud -more inappropriate stuff) and he also bought her a brand new truck and 2 karat diamond for their recent anniversary. She has 3 kids that are straight A students at the top of their class and she is a millionaire on paper. If any one of them was out of line at home she'd be very vocal about it at work.

 

 

Those are the people I feel the most for... she works hard to look and show off to everyone how good their life is... their family... their kids... We've all heard the saying that "if it looks to good to be true.... ". You have her word... the word of a person who acts out inappropriately in the workplace... so go home and remind yourself... if it looks to good to be true... money doesn't by happiness... I think being a fly on the wall of her house would be a real eye opener to what's really true in her world. More often than not - those that work that hard to show off how great their life is and how great their kids are - are the ones hiding the most in their closet!!

 

Well keep smiling and good luck - you aren't going to change her but you can change how it affects you.

[BellaDonna]

I thought I'd update this. Someone here is retiring within the year and I will get to move into their space when they leave. So I will no longer have to work in very close proximity to this woman and that will be good thing. It has been so nice and quiet with her taking vacation time in the summer.