My situation

[rudereds]

My story's pretty long...

MY ex and I were 2gether 4 10 yrs (since 2000). It was the first major relationship for the both of us. I was 14 and he was 15 when we began. We have a 7 yo son 2gether.

Last yr in May, I found some texts between he and another girl and I threatened 2 call off the relationship. However, when I cooled down the next day, I told him let's talk and see what we could do about the situation. That was when he said he wanted 2 end it. It got really bad. He told me he hated me and he was fed up of us.

I should explain that he wasn't the perfect bf but I left him 4 about 2 wks in 2008 and he changed. He was really nice, made every weekend family time with us and our son. We used 2 hang out everyday and just relax and talk about everything. We were even planning 2 get married this yr.

A mth after he left, I noticed some funny statuses on his bbm and another girl's bbm (we were in a bbm group 2gether). I asked them both about it because at that point in time he was telling me he wanted 2 work things out. I should let yall know we had both only known this girl for about 3-4 wks thru the bbm group. She lives accross the country from us (I'm from Trinidad & Tobago). I even realised I was kicked out of the group and when I asked other ppl they kept saying the group was disbanded even tho I saw the group still active on his phone. A wk after, one of the men in the group called me and asked me if I knew what was going on. When I said no, he told me my ex and this girl were heating up the chatroom and were making it clear they were in a relationship. I asked my ex, who at this point of time was still working things out with me, and he said that wasn't true. A few days after, I got his phone and saw msgs between the two of them which made it clear they met that day and had at least kissed.

It was then when I found out the truth that things changed. He became mean. He changed from the nice loving person I knew 2 somebody who lied about everything. He even treated our son badly. A couple of mths after, he said he missed me and I slept with him (stupid I know). We then started this horrible up and down ride where one min he'd be nice and loving and then I'd find out it was just 2 get sex cuz he wasn't seeing her often enough 2 get it as he wanted (I deduced all this after) and once he got it, he'd go back 2 d nasty person he'd now become.

Eventually I got fed up and left. However, she left him in December for somebody else and he asked me to give him a next try. He and our son started getting back close and we started talking again. In Jan, we slept 2gether and in Feb I met somebody else who I decided 2 give a try. However, in March, I found out I was pregnant. The new guy and I hadn't had sex yet so of course I knew it was 4 my ex.

When I told him, at first he wanted 2 get rid of it but I refused so he asked if I was willing 2 give working things out a next try. I agreed.

Now, he's back to being mean. He lies about everything. If I call him asking if he's home so I can come over for a while, he'll lie and say he's not home. But when I walk out the road (we live 5 houses apart), he'll be home. When I ask him about his lying, he isn't sorry and says it's my fault I lie cuz I'm nagging him. He curses me and it doesn't matter who's around. He told me in front our son that he wishes I get a gun and shoot myself in the head.

I've tried NC but I always keep breaking it and things go good 4 a while until he snaps again. I cry nearly everyday now. I keep worrying about my next child growing up not even knowing how nice he used 2 b.

How did yall stick 2 NC and how can I do it if I have 2 keep in touch with him regarding his children?

[FreedomRing]

Welcome Rude! eNA is a good forum My family is from all over the west indies(st.kitts, st.croix, st.thomas, anguille!) I LOVE trinidad!!..and I digress...

 

At any rate, I'm sorry you're going thru this with your ex. While it's clear you are aware of how unhealthy and unstable your ex is...your behavior, was unfortunately, not much better. I guess I don't quite understand how women, will continue to sleep with their exes, when they've been treating horribly, just bc they have children together...(well, men do it too). Sweetie, exes coming back for sex is a classic manipulation tool....i don't understand why you weren't using better judgement(i.e. protection) when you could clearly tell he was just using you, and not being a good dad.

 

Well, I won't continue to lecture, as the situation is what it is now. I would just advise you to get to court and start filing custody/child support right away. Since he's proven to be all over the map, you will need to get these legalities in place for yourself and your children. Expect him to be manipulative again, but stand your ground. YOU ARE A MOTHER. Your FIRST priority for concern and well-being are your children - no matter what your heart tells you.

[lavenderdove]

OK, I'm sorry to say but he's showing signs of really not wanting to be in the relationship, but probably feels trapped because you have a son and are expecting another baby... so he is probably really angry at you because he doesn't want to be tied down but has a kid with you and another on the way. So he is deeply resentful of that.

 

It is very common for people to turn hard and cold when they feel trapped and want out, but feel they can't get free for financial reasons or because children are involved. So he is behaving really badly hoping to kick his way out of the relationship and hoping that perhaps you'll finally be the one to have the strength to kick him out so it ends.

 

I think if you truly end it and really let him go and stop trying to have him be your partner and instead just focus on your children and have stay at his own place and visitation with the children, yet stop sleeping with him and trying to continue the relationship, he won't resent you and be angry at you for trying to stay in a relationship he doesn't want to be in. i've seen many cases where once the relationship is truly over, the person who is behaving really badly calms down and is pleasant again, though no longer in the relationship with you, just a co-parent of the children.

 

So i would try to talk with him openly and tell him it is obvious he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you because he is acting so badly, but you just want to try to have a civil relationship for the sake of the children and ask him if he wants does not want be your partner anymore. If he says yes, then you will have to just let him go because he doesn't really want to be with you and forcing him to stay for the kids sake will never work. I think he wants his freedom, and sadly, you can't hold someone who really wants to go, or they treat you really badly trying to kick their way out of the relatinoship. He has been giving you mixed signals because he probably feels guilty leaving you and the kids and possibly doesn't want to pay child support, but it is not worth creating such a hostile home if he wants to be gone.

[rudereds]

I felt so sorry 4 him cuz at the end, the other girl treated him horribly and he even found a porn vid online with her in it. He kept telling me he felt so bad leaving his family 4 somebody who was obviously not better. I feel so stupid 4 believing him. I never wanted a next baby like this and I feel guilty cuz it was my fault and I just hope in the end my children don't hate me for choosing somebody who can't be the father they deserve

[FreedomRing]

Don't continue to beat yourself up about this. Mentally(and physically) you have to be in the best shape possible for your son, and new baby on the way. You can't rely on him. Start focusing on a plan for your family....what are your thoughts?

[rudereds]

I think I need 2 move on. Seriously this time. But whereas a lot of ppl have lots of friends to spend time with them, I have very few really close friends. Plus I'm the kind of person who hates admitting I'm not doing well with a situation so u'll find even with my close friends I pretend nothing's wrong. That's y I'm glad I found this forum. This is probably the only place I've admitted I'm not doing well at all.

I think I need to be strong at least for my children. I don't want them growing up thinking this kind of relationship is ok. So I'm seeing myself posting a lot in this forum in the future. Lol

[FreedomRing]

I'd encourage that.....I have very few close friends as well...as you get more mature, I find that is the case with alot of women. But it doesn't mean you should cut yourself off or limit yourself from forging new friendships, even if just acquaintances. That's great reflection that you want to model what a relationship between a man and a woman should look like...and that you are fully aware, it's not what's happening with you and your ex. Your lips are on track, now just the follow thru!

[rudereds]

Your lips are on track, now just the follow thru!

 

That's just it though. I know logically that's what I have to do and a few times I've even started doing it. But then it gets 2 hard and I call him and we go right back 2 where we were. How do I keep up with the NC once I've started?