Would you be upset...?

[Sara72]

About six months into my relationship my boyfriend and I got pretty serious and as we go to a small school, decided to share past hook-ups in order to avoid awkward situations (ie; finding out from someone else). I realize that this is a touchy subject that a couple must be mentally ready to talk about. After this conversation, I found out that my boyfriend lied to me about two things. He later told me that he had had sex with one of my friends at school and sworn to me that it did not go that far previously. He also had me spend an evening with a group of people, including a girl that he had not told me about and had had sex with. He told me about this incident months later. I felt betrayed by him because we were being honest and there was no need to lie (obviously with the friend, and by promising that he had revealed all of the previous encounters). I understand that it is uncomfortable for him to be honest about my friend. However, I felt that he hurt my dignity by planning an evening and letting me interact with this girl and others who knew about the incident without being honest. I feel manipulated by him and am a bit flabbergasted that he would put me in that situation. Had we never discussed it and he swore that he had told me the truth, it would not be an issue, but he wanted to go down that road and then he lied to me. He has never lied about anything else to me that I know of, and overall he is a wonderful person. I feel like I was played by him, even though me interacting with someone he had sex with is not so bad, but more so the fact that he put me in the situation under false pretenses, with the two lies. I want to be able to trust him again, but I don't know how to move forward without doubting him, especially now when we go out. I never meant to have a conversation that would push him to lie to me, but he wanted to have it for his own sake, and it goes both ways. Am I over-reacting? Any thoughts?

[DylanNotorious]

Sounds like he expects the truth from you at all times, but when it comes to himself - he will tell you what you want to hear, then later down the track will tell you the real truth when time has passed enough where you can't really get upset.

 

See how it goes and if he still keeps lying to you, call it quits.

[d24]

i think it was a pretty stupid conversation to have in the first place if I'm honest ... but yes I think you have a right to be annoyed about this. he lied. there's got to be more trust between you, but honestly, I think you put him in a bit of an impossible situation. he wasn't going to have an easy ride with this whatever he said, lies or truth.

 

if i were you, and if the relationship as a whole was good, I'd let it go (if I could) because honestly, you'll probably feel better for it.

if you literally cannot get over it, best break it off now tbh.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree that it was an inappropriate conversation in the first place. I have to wonder about people who have slept with half the world anyway, particularly if they seem to have run through half the women or men in a small community such as a school. If there is this kind of conversation going on then most certainly he should have been honest about all the women, not just some....because really, if he already slept with say 25 women in that little school circle, then what is an extra 1 or 2 more.

[RedDress]

Well... if he had sex with your "friend" and you didn't already know... you aren't really close to that "friend" to begin with, right? I mean... If it was a good friend, she would have said something, right?

 

Many people disagree but I think numbers are relevant to a point. If you are sleeping with someone who has only been with one other person they probably have different attitudes about sex than someone who has been with 50 people, for example. Not that one person is a "better" person than another... but they likely have different views. The who, what and where of it all is pretty irrelevant, though (unless they slept with your sister or something).

 

I agree that it was a weird situation for him. I wouldn't judge a small lie in the name of protecting privacy as a major trust concern. There WILL be the odd lie from time to time...

 

Personally, I don't think you should pay it any heed. This is why we are all saying you shouldn't have these conversations, btw. It can give you insecurities that you don't need and ruin a beautiful thing. Do you really want it ruined? I think it was an "understandable" lie as far as lies go... I'd let this one slide, personally.

[Kalika]

I understand why you are upset about the situation. I wouldn't feel too comfortable about hanging out with my boyfriend's former sex partner. Although I agree with the others that you never should have had this discussion in the first place, I also feel that this may be a testament to his character. If you both mutually agree to be honest and disclose sex partners, that means you do so with the understanding that one or both parties may be unhappy, but still, you agreed to tell the truth. The fact that he lied to spare you hurt may mean that he may do so again in the future, if he thinks that lying will be the easier solution. That part of it troubles me. I am also wondering why your "friend" never said anything to you when you started dating him.