I miss her so much, There could be a New YorK times best seller about us. help!?

[No1her]

Ok so for 5-6 months she courted me, I did not want a relationship with her. I hid her, I knew she wasn’t over her ex, I knew about her bulimia.(she had a rough childhood, and got picked on a lot for being fat throughout HS) Then one day after hanging out and basically being a couple for months, I asked her out. I started not having a good time when she wasn’t around. So I knew I loved her. It turned into a deep deep love. We fought more had some squabbles, some problems, but we t just kept moving. She opened up to me like no other, I was the only one she was comfortable with, and she told me everything. To this day she still has maintained that she will never feel more secure or comfortable with anyone ever. We went out for a year and a half then we broke up over a nasty fight where I ended up punching something and injuring myself. We were apart for about 5 months, but throughout this break we hung out almost as much as we did when we were together. 2 months after the first breakup was Christmas, I got her presents she got me nothing. I said that’s it I’m done, I was very depressed but NC worked for about a week. New Year’s night she calls me saying Ur it Ur it Ur it for me. Ur what I want. B/c the new guy she had been seeing just wasn’t me. We met up late that night and I thought things were back on track. The next day she says she was just drunk and I guess the guy she was out with apologized for w/e happened that night that made her realize he was me. We got back together after the 5 months like I mentioned above. After we got back together the summer was coming up (this is about 15 months back) I did not want to lose her again I wanted to get serious. I tried to get a new job to support her hard. Every day I looked online, in papers, everywhere. I could not find one and began to get stressed out about it, which in turn hurt us bad. She wasn’t making as much money BC she was in school. we were young and broke all summer( I’m 23 now BTW) I have to add when we got back together last march 20th was the date she never told her parents and the people she worked for. In retrospect, this killllled us. She lived at home, and her parents always heard me and her fighting and arguing and started to not like me as much, plus they found out I slept over a few times. Now I did everything for this girl. I gave her money, I supported her, let her borrow my car, and at times she would sleep over my house every single day for a week or two at a time. Things weren’t easy but we loved each other wholeheartedly. Now we get to September 2010. We had a bad week, she did not get me a bday present BC she couldn’t afford it; we were really stressed about money. We broke up. Almost immediately she started talking to NYE kid from 8 months back. We didn’t talk much for a month. I sent her some nasty texts, I’m not proud of some of the stuff I did but it happened. Went to her house in the middle of night, yelled screamed started fights.

 

 

October rolls around we started hanging out, she clearly misses me, then November and in these two months, there’s times where I feel we were really close to getting back together, it never happened. I say to myself I m not going to sit on my hands like last breakup. I will go out and talk to girls if she is to. I am maintaining that all I want is her. She in not budging. We have a lot of good times in these next couple months but it always ends the same way. Were fine, were having a great time. She’s only comfortable telling me things, she runs to me with problems, and loves our sex. Then the holidays start rolling around, she starts picking him over me. Thanksgiving Christmas she’s with him and I’m miserable b/c I miss her. Finally the end of December rolls around and I confess the girls I have been talking to (BIG MISTAKE) she changes her number. Again we don’t talk for days and then I get a drunken call from her from a blocked number. We sort of rekindle but not really. Her bday rolls around I am not invited NYE kid is. I get her flowers she starts to miss me, we hang out and talk about rekindling( this happened several times, and there were times, we almost get back together again. valentine’s day comes and goes we have a big blowup she pretty much picks him over me. now it’s important to say that throughout all of this we maintain that fact that once we figure this all out and get ourselves together were going back to each other. she started going out with this kid, I have no idea. regardless she cheats on him, and I let him know. I do not support cheating at allllll. He doesn’t budge. We almost come to blows part 1, but we don’t. st pattys day, she comes to me after a fight with him, and tells me were getting back together in 3 weeks or less. Being naive and taking things at face value I am happy. I think its coming. April rolls around; he’s going to be graduating college soon and has season tickets to baseball which she loves. He’s going to be making a lot of money, he’s 3 years older than me and I’m just going to school and working part time. so he’s got me beatttt!

She begins to not contact me as much, we talk and text less. She gets mad when I call sometimes but still cares deeply for me. We hang out here and there but nothing crazy. one night she gets drunk and begs me to hang with her like she has so many times before, she tells me she’s 80% sure she’s pregnant with my kid. And it’s mine she knows cuz she isn’t with him sexually for a month. He clarifies this when I tell him she’s been cheating on here with me. Random Saturday she calls me and says he hit her and called her the C word, which she knows I cannot tolerate. She calls the cops on him. turns out, she’s full of crap * * * , but with the cops involved I know it’s serious. I get there, we hang out she tells me she feels bad. He comes back from police officer and we almost go at it again. She leaves me in the rain and I leave. At this point I’m sooo furious I never want to see her again. I call him and tell him she’s been cheating with me, she does this, I basically let out all her deep dark secrets some of which he had no idea and I’m the only one on earth who knows these. I know I’m an * * * * * * * I betrayed her trust. But being left in the rain when I drove 40 mins to her apartment to protect her just made me crazy. The next day I go down to her place and we have sex. * * * ????? We then agree to not talk anymore. We go 8 days without talking and I’m sort of semi ok. Beginning of May she’s got a wedding. She goes to this wedding which she’s in and takes him. I get 12 calls from her that night and a voicemail with her crying, I find out later she got in a fight with him b/c our song came on and she would not dance to it with him. In the voicemail she says I’ve been thinking about u all day I miss u I hope Ur doing well. The wedding brang out thoughts of what our future was supposed to be like which we talked about constantly. Babies, our house, marriage. Even throughout all this nonsense. I find out later that she actually came to my window and knocked on it frantically but I did not wake up( she did this a handful of times in our relationship for different reasons) like if I wouldn’t take her calls, or phone was off, or was really upset. I am a little shocked at this, but she always did surprise me in our relationship. More than a few times it looked like things were done forever and then they started back up b/c of her... sort of. Now its mid may, she comes over. A week after this window thing. we get together and have sex.( he’s freaking out b/c we are at a mutual friends happy hour, I say I need a ride, she drives me home, leaves gets in a fight with him, cuz of me I say it’s ok just go home. she then comes back after trying to patch things up with him. then a week after that we do again. this times she is now going out with NYE guy again, but needs a ride, I get her and say I’m taking u home, she insists we go to my house. I knew what she wants. and tells me as we are doing it that she has a boyfriend. Kind of gross I know, but we always told each other if we ever cheated on anybody it would be with each other. as were laying in bed the following day after we had sex again that morning. she tells me he’s awful at sex I’m the best she ever had, "I’m her soul mate" I don’t know what it’s like to be with him and in love with someone else" (me) he’s judgmental, she’s not as comfortable with him" she compares everything he does to me" she will never be as comfortable with anyone as she was with me" she tells friends " he can never give her what I could" "I’m her best friend" etc. b4 I drop her off I try one more time and say let’s get back together, with all the stuff she just said as we layed in bed, I figure I know she still loves me, I know she wishes this would work out. She then says I love u but not in love anymore, those words no111 ever wants to hear. : ( days go by and we text, she’s not giving me much, she’s I guess starting to like him. he catches us texting, he gets pissed, and texts me, I get pissed and idky I did it b/c I had nothing to gain but I tell him she cheated again. I get a hate text from her saying I ruined her life and now he hates her and there broke up, and that she loves him, which I’m still not sure of. Not even a day later I find out there back together. Bottom line she plays me and NYE guy for 9 months. Now she’s with him.

 

 

 

I realize how rocky our relationship was, I realize I shoulda left her when we first broke up, b/c there is no doubt in mind she woulda came back in probly only a few months. She is sensitive, needy, bitzchyy, emotional, but beautiful, funny, and the love of my life.

I could go on for days and days with this stuff, but I’m trying not to make this too long. I’ve learned a lot over the months, and I know this happens to everyone, but I promise u this love was stronger than most. Her prior boyfriend messed her up so bad she tried to harm herself after he was caught cheating on her. She was always jealous, always had a short fuse, never had self confidence and was at times extremely depressed. He made my relationship so much harder than it had to be. He really screwed her up, which as I stated earlier was one of the reasons I didn’t want to go out with her for months. She said she never felt good enough after him for anyone, she got meds, she got counseling. Then she said I came along and she felt secure. She said she never thought we’d break up and be together forever. wed had amazing sex, we are extremely attracted to each other to the point we can’t even be around each other without getting intimate. She always said one day were going to get back together, were gona be together again, she said she has told people that. Things got really hard when our families and friends didn’t approve of the relationship, and I didn’t realize how much that played a factor. Her parents from what I understand like the new guy. He’s really successful and I’ll get a good job soon, but I don’t know if I can compete with him. I know she loved me alottttttttt and I know I’ve got a lot of things he doesn’t, and people have even said I think she’s only with him for the money, but I am really scared I will never get another shot. I get extremely depressed some days. I seek out her face book posts, I pray, take walks, and talk to myself. I try to talk to girls, but no1 compares to her, I’ve cried, she says as of only a few weeks ago she still cries, she’s not over it at all. But I know I need long NC. I m not dumb. I wish it didn’t come to this, I wish I was more mature at the times this stuff happened. I have a bad temper, and a short fuse just like her. I know she still thinks about me everyday probably a lot. I know she missed me. Is this guy a rebound? I know I should never take her back but I would in a heartbeat. She makes me happy. I’d like to think I’m so much smarter from all this and I have learned some lessons. I know there will never be anything worse in my life than this. Am I foolish to think she will ever come back?

Some of the texts I have from her since January are sooooooo heartfelt and I know she really did love me, things just got to hard. I always told her that were supposed to be together, the timing is just off. Friends of ours have a baby and a house and she said they fight constantly, “she said she told her friend that if that was us and we had that stuff they had we wouldn’t have a problem in the world. We really tried to do this but I guess were still too young. She’s no further along with her life then me, and in some ways far behind me, but I just feel like this is what her parents wanted for her, a guy who makes a lot for her to be able to be stay at home mom for. Oooooo and did I mention she just moved into a condo with my best friends wife’s best friend. Two houses from my buddy and his wife’s house!! Our lives are so intertwined idk if we will ever get each other out, even if someday I am over her.

 

I’m sorry it’s such a long read, any comments, questions, or suggestions are greatly appreciated.

[No1her]

some of the texts and emails i have from her, are sentamental and music to my ears, but i have not gotten an ILU in a couple months. She might love him, but i know she still loves me to. we went thru too much, i sometimes think we weill never be back together, but other times i find myself just waiting for that day, b/c thats how strongly i believe in our love. here are some text examples, i kno its not much, but just so u understand.

 

Jan

" id come back to u in a heartbeat once i get myself together, ill never be done with u even if i was married and had children"

" i will never ever be done with u and when i figure myself out idc if i have to rip u away from whatever gfirl ur with, ur mydavid and eventually will be again"

Feb

" here i am telling friends that i know in my heart that down the road i will be back with you"

" i know rgar i want u and thats i want to sit in every weekend with you and sleep in ur bed everynight and elope somewhere where no1 around and have ur kids and have u be in the room when there born and have u do the registry with me and pick out clothes. i kno what i want but i donot know how to get over all the damage between us we are two very sad and bitter people, every step forward is two steps bacK"

" get urself together and have a little faith in the love we have for one another, im confident things will worj out for us"

"to me our dream isnt dead, but we are to codependent we need some time away so some of the resentment will fade, im still hopeful, im confident in the connections we have and the dreams we share, but we have to eperate for now"

 

March

" i love u always, i hope we cross paths in the future, i still want everything with u"

 

her quoting a text that i wrote to her - " me - no matter what happens what is said or what happens we will figure this out one day, her - I just want u to know ive looked at this 27 times today, and i intend on looking at this every day, every day!" i just wanted u to know that this meant alot to me and that i appreciate it and that its in my heart always"

 

april

" i miss rolling over and u being there" i miss ur hands on me"

 

 

 

now i know that feeling face, but as i said i tend to take things at face value. this really really hurtsss

[dramallama]

Someone can love and miss you, but wanting to be with you is a WHOLE different story. Tell her that you appreciate that she misses you but it's doing you two no good to stay in touch when she doesn't want to reconcile. The reason why you are feeling like crap is because you've let her give you mixed messages and are reading too much into them. She is choosing someone else over you- that is the only thing that you need to know. She is not the love of your life because if she was, she would be WITH you.

 

Once you stick with NC and put up boundaries, and tell her to leave you alone until she has broken up with this guy AND wants to commit to you, then your self esteem will rise.

[No1her]

yea Ive known for months what needed to be done, the problem is doing it. whether its me or her, once of us always caves if we dont talk for a few days, and contacts. its usually a drunk thing, i guess it really dosent matter now b/c it is out of my hands. at last check she said she hated me, even tho she always said she would never hate me no matter what. she sent me a hate text about 10 days ago, thats the last i heard from her. i think theres a chance she may have changed her phone number, but i really dont know. im sure one day prob sooner rather than later i will get a call or text or email from her. like i said she always did surprise me even after all the fights about him and everything else. if i coulda just made peace with the fact that she was single and off and on pretty much with this guy i coulda got better, it coulda got better, it took me prob 7 months to realize that it cannot be forced, she has to want to come back and she isnt mine anymore. thats what all the fights were over, with me for 3 and 4 straight days then no contact for a few cuz she was with him. : (

 

I just feel llike if over the last 6 months i coulda just cut her off, One of two things woulda happened. 1. she comes back fully and just wants me. or 2. i start to get over it.

the first time she went out with him in january she said she broke up with him for me, i believe that. so i guess anything is possible. but this relationship has progressed alot by now.

 

i analyze everything so i know what ur saying, the only thing that matters is she is n o longer mine, not all the other stuff. I just cant imagine a relationship with such a rocky start such as theres could ever work. why does he still want her with the cheating and dishonesty and flirting she does with everyone else? i cant imagine thats a recipe for success. but only time truly tell i suppose

[dramallama]

Well, she's done you a favour then. Next time she caves in, tell her that you do not want to speak to her if she is still in a relationship and if she only wants to be friends. If she is a true friend and truly cares about you - she will leave you ALONE. And don't say, "but she misses me and cares for me so much so that's why she still wants me in her life." NO. If she cared for you she would either be WITH you or she would be leaving you alone so that you can heal.

 

Let me ask you this, would the true love of your life dump you then hold onto you with one hand while dating someone else? She doesn't sound like much of a catch to me. Instead of asking why her current boyfriend is putting up with HER, ask yourself why YOU are putting up with her. You need to start thinking with your head and look at this objectively. Have you deleted her from facebook? Take action to show her that you don't wish to be second choice. Stand up for yourself.

 

Do you want to be in the same position you're in now in another 6 months, or would you prefer to be healed?

[No1her]

yea i hear ya im 23 so i know i have alot to learn plus this is my first real serious relationship but i just feel like if i didnt make a big deal and get mad everytime she ran off with him over me over all those months she woulda took it as i dont care and wed prob be back together right now. but instead i always just started a fight instead which became draining for her. with him i doubt she has that. shes soo much better now at everything because of our relationship. i guess i will be to. it just hurts that someone else is gonna get all that work i put in. idk maybe she wont be with him in the long run idk, i just wish i could get one last shot. i know i could handle it now. i Kno i could. yes we havent been facebook since september when we broke up last time. but i still see stuff thru mutual friends. i seek it out and then i get hurt by it : (

 

she definitely does have her problems. short temper, very very needy, emotional, depressedm buliimia, throws up, self image and self confidence problems, burnt alot of bridges with people, but she was fat and had a very rough childhood, rough parents, and not that much support, which even tho she was pretty unappreciative for all i did for her, i know she appreciated me always being there for her. i always was, no matter how crazy the situation. but to me she still is a catch. she is the love of my life. I really believe that.

[dramallama]

Then you gotta block her account for good so that you don't see anything about her on facebook. It's one for thing for you to think that she is the love of your life, but obviously she doesn't feel the same way about you. She is showing you by her words AND actions that she doesn't want to be with you. All the "I miss yous" in the world still don't mean that she wants to be with you, otherwise she would be.

 

The fact is, she is just one girl out of billions. So you can either hang around her and crawl around on the floor picking up any breadcrumbs that she throws your way when she feels like it. Or you can pick yourself up, choose to stop focus on her and her new guy, accept her decision, IF she contacts you TELL her to respect your need for space because you two should not be talking if she is not in a position to reconcile, and then eventually you will heal to be with someone that WANTS to be with you and that will give you more than "I miss you"s.

[Ms Darcy]

Both of you sound equally nutty. It wasn't one thing or two things that messed things up ... it's a messed up relationship. It's up to you to make the decision to get healthy and move on.

[No1her]

yes the relationship certainly had alot of crazy times, but there was alot of good to.

isnt there something to be said about it that we both just kept fighting throughout all the problems?

I think most people give up alot sooner than we did, that is why i believe strongly in the love we had, and hopefully will have again.

It might never work again, but its not because we didnt try. Idk i just dont get why it didnt work out. i think about her every second of every day... literally. : (

Thanks for the input soo far guys.

[tresqua]

She's had the power and control this entire time. She goes out and sleeps with other guys, she never gets you presents (which sems to really bug you), she goes to important events with other guys, then when she gets in a fight or drunk or has a weak moment she comes around and sleeps with you, while still in a relationship with him, tells you she doesn't want to get back together, and this dysfunctional cycle perpetuates.

 

Face the reality, she's not coming back, you're her fallback guy and she's just using you at this point.

[No1her]

in her defense, she only has slept with this guy, weve had serious truhfilled talks. i know of one other guy she hooked up with, even if there is more which i doubt, that is beyond the point. I agree I know how long ive given her this control. i know all the things I am doing are not always the best idea. but i like to live by the motto " do what u feel" i hate playing the game, i hate it with a passion, which i guess is why i fail so miserably trying to win her back. but i stay true to myself and what i believe in. always have. Regardless, i guess the best thing for me to do at this point is leave her alone for good right? were almost at 2 weeks NC. well she is anyway. i had a couple drunk lapses, but got no answer. and its b/c ive told him she cheated on him twice with me. which i expected. Even if she wants to talk to me at this point, (she prob does) she forces herself not to b/c she knows i could rat her out again. If i leave her alone for good, i guess then and only then do i even have a shred of a chance to get her back right?

[tresqua]

i like to live by the motto " do what u feel"

 

Find yourself a new motto.

 

How about something like "I will allow logic, not emotions dictate my actions".

[No1her]

I go out I drink(tooo much) i hate it, im soo over the bar scene, i talk to girls, I do ok when i really apply myself, well sorta anyway. ive had a couple dates( one of which i canceled months ago b/c she got jealous and i was trying to obviously fix things with her) but none of them are her. I leave the bar, or a date, etc. wishing I was with her. I have no interest in talking to others. idk what i need to do to get over this. I really think it was timing, our friends who have jobs a house and a baby, we always told each other, if that was our life, we wouldnt have a single problem in the world. we just arent as far along, not ready for a house, and kid financially. we talked about having babys every day. all the time. there was times where she told me she was honestly ready for a baby. i dont think it was that far from happenning. just another thnig that makes this soo hard. when u live one way for so long, u forget how to do it alone... That how I am now.

 

Im almost 24 and broke up with her once before, i should be ok at this by now. but I am not. I talk to myself, I take long late night walks, Im really messed up inside. She has really hurt me bad. me and her were sooo passionate about each other it was unbelieveable, and i know ur all gonna say ur relationship was the same and there was just as much love etc. etc. but i disagree, not to put others down, but we had that once in a lifetime kind of love, I think that is why i am having soo much trouble with it. I cant imagine not being with her in the end. I want her kids, I want to be marreid to her, I want it all.

I think she is mainly with him for the money, and the stability. are these traits that work out for people, even if in the end she had more love for me, if she was more comfortable with me, awesome incredible sex, if i never judged her? (she would fart on me and i would high 5 her lol) I guess what im trying to ask is... what wins out in the end? Love or Money?

[tresqua]

(she would fart on me and i would high 5 her lol)

 

She's a keeper for sure.

[No1her]

i just realized I repeated some of the things, but it does atleast feel as though it helps to get these things out. Its theraputic

[dramallama]

It was not a once in a lifetime relationship. You might think so, but it wasn't. You will find other people to love again, but the reason why you can't is because you have chosen to still let your ex contact you and be in touch. You will not be able to see your ex objectively until you CHOOSE to move on. SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. In time you will see that she isn't that great but you won't get to that point if you pine over her and convince yourself that her sh** smells like roses.

[Ms Darcy]

Have you ever heard of crazy love? It's not healthy or long-lasting, but it makes you so addicted you think you have to have it.

[No1her]

well w/e the case may be, i had a good night. now im sure this is nothing, but the only other girl i ever told i loved to( idiotically) seems to be unhappy with her boyfriend and told me tonight years after i told her how i felt, that when i started going out with the girl this thread is alll about, SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH ME"!!! NOW this probly isnt much, cuz she was drunk but they were her words. i have always been extreneley attracted to this girl, but for her to say this truth or not made me feel great. she has a b/f but there rocky, we have a dog meeting date tomorrow lol i know. should i mention the drunek night before comments? i got her number again and idk, if anyone was ever close to Chelsea( the ex) its Lauren... although still lightyears away. advice? dogdate if it even happpens will prob be like 11 or noon eastyern. will check back at around 10 am

[laubry]

i personally think.. that because you guys keep getting back together, drifting apart and then getting back together again, it's hurt not only your friendship but your relationship, or possible relationship even more. If you do try and go on a NC streak... stick with it, i know it will be hard, but try to keep to it, it will help both of you chill out, you seem like high strung people. One of the most important things i think, is to think about WHY you love(d) her. at the moment i'm making a list of all the good times and memories i've had with my ex, and not just the sexual ones or whatever, but like events or inside jokes that were significant to your relationship. if the things on your list don't seem all that special when you're done, then you need to think about this again and whether you want to continue trying to get her, but if you feel like the list really reminded you of what you were... then you really need to take the break, and when you do see her again, make it NOT a date, show her that you are only willing to be with her like that if she's willing to commit to just you. if she thinks she can always have you, then she hasn't lost you and feels like she never will. in a time like this, i feel like this is the most appropriate quote:

 

"you don't know what you've had, until it's gone"

 

good luck though, i hope everything works out

[No1her]

laubry i appreciate the post, ive written things down and even wrote things about her that she liked about me, my thoughts and feelings etc. it helped a little bit. Maybe i will try ur method. ur post definitely had some good insight. i found out yesterday that in exactly 1 month a mutla friend is having a bday party. which she has confirmed thru facebook she will be attending. this might be a good starting point to go NC until i suppose right. july 16th is the date

[No1her]

welp girl b who i saw last night isnt really answering texts, she clearly just said that stuff cuz she was drunk. ohh well not suprised. girl A( the love of my life) has made no contact with me for almost 2 weeks. she just moved into her new place, which is about 4-5 houses from my friend in the same development. I was with him all day. her car was there all day. its gonna be a long time before i can go to my friends house where my eyes arent glued to her house and just wondering what shes doing and how her lifes going. : (

 

anything that possibly can even a little bit, evokes feelings. i see her car. feelings, her liking a status on facebook, feelings, i hear a story about any random thing from soneone. and i compare it to a time with me and her. sometimes im ok other times i m a complete mess. i just miss her. as depressed as she is as emotional as she is and as needy as she is. I feel like shes probly happy now, and will be with him. i know it wont always be peaches and cream, but...I am beginning to feel like ever getting her back is hopeless... : (((

[dramallama]

You need to delete and block her on facebook. What she does is her business now. You are only going to obsess over her if you stay in contact.

 

And dating is the last thing you should be doing right now. You need to face being alone - and right now you aren't doing that by jumping onto the next girl.

[No1her]

i hear ya, but the initial breakup was in september, u think im still not ready for something new huh?

ur prob right. that being said she jumped right on him and always has with a few other relationships in her past. maybe thats why shes soo screwed up to begin with i guess.

[dramallama]

The break up was in September, but how long have you been in NC for? When was the last time you and your ex had contact?

 

Just read the first post of this thread and then tell me that you are ready to date...

[faithful14]

She sounds crazy = no offense. your relationships sounds really unhealthy and brings out the worst in you both.

 

I know you love her, but that isn't enough to keep your relationship going.