Do I have intimacy issues or sex/love addiction?

[luv2bfit]

I just recently ended a 2 year relationship that was not healthy. I had posted on this forum about various issues I had with my ex, him being a police officer and being very controlling and over protective.. I had various lies regarding ex-gf's I had to continuously work through that challeged my trust constantly.. He was also very non communicative and held the fact that he had an "engagement ring" for me for almost 1 year yet would not propose. His issues with me were that I wasn't "committed" enough, even though we lived together. We had constant struggles trying to find a common ground on many issues, as he has very high expectations yet he would not even explain what they were, or how he wanted things. I constantly felt like I had to jump through hoops to give him what he wanted or make him happy... and in the end get engaged and move forward in our relationship. Regardless of all these things, there were trust issues.... I didn't feel safe alot of the time and the constant struggle over various issues wore me down until I just had enough. It has been 9 weeks since the breakup and ofcourse I am now getting all this open communication, resolutions to build my trust back that were never brought up before and ofcourse, a trip to take me away from everything and just talk together in Bahamas or Mexico... I had to turn it down, he admitted he wanted to propose and everything.... I told him it would not resolve anything and I realized there was more issues in our relationship than the lack of commitment. And the big reason why I knew I couldn't go, I already moved on after 4 weeks and slept with someone.. I met a man I had been on 2 dates with a few years back and never really got to know. I slept with him on the 2nd time hanging out and he is a nice guy but I am well aware I am probably rebounding. When my ex asked why I couldn't go, I gave him a few reasons without bringing up this new guy as I didn't want to hurt him. He had a feeling or maybe he heard through the grapevine I was "seeing" someone, so I did admit it. I am a terrible liar, so when he asked if I had slept with him already, I just went silent. He knew and started balling his eyes out and saying he hated me and that he thought we were getting back together and just wanted to take me away.. etc. I told him what part of breaking up did he think was just for fun? I was done... I had told him for 2 years the things that were hurting me and he still continued to hide contact with exes and not communicate what his "commitment issues" were. I just had enough... He is 36 this year... I'm 29 and I don't want to waste my time anymore after 2 years of ups & downs. I was finding myself crying way too often and feeling depressed with the relationship.

I really did love this man, I felt something in my heart I have never felt in my entire life. The emotional/physical connection we had was so strong we would literally cry together during sex and just stop and be close. I didn't understand why over time our relationship kept getting harder and harder.. I felt us so strong on one end, yet sooo distant on another. I could tell we lacked trust in our relationship and good solid communication (his end).

I realized that sleeping with this other guy, I did not feel bad. I love sex.. and I realized I may have a problem because I have not gone without it since I was first sexually active which was at age 19.

I have never cheated and had sex with someone else when I have been in a committed relationship, but I look back and remember that the longest I ever went without a sexual partner was probably a few weeks. Is this normal?

I don't know why I do it, but I crave it. I noticed this amplified right after a breakup when I was emotionally very hurt. I felt the need for physical intimacy even MORE.

Before my ex, I was engaged and with an abusive man for 2+ years. This was my first toxic relationship and it destroyed me emotionally. I went to counseling and continue to do so and I have seen that I did NOT repeat any patterns in this relationship. I continued to keep my identity, few close friends, I took steps back in the relationship when my boundaries were crossed and made it very clear what I would not tolerate. I am not sure my current ex is abusive, but he does tend to have some similarities such as control, excessive anger at certain things and a bit possessive and definitely clingy. He had very few friends and always kept constant tabs on me when I was out of his sight.

I am seeing a counselor now to work through the healing process as I am having quite a bit of depression symptoms. My ex coming back around with all these vacation, engagement talks have added to my stress so I decided to go no contact completely. He says that he has learnt in 9 weeks how hard he really was on me expecting me to "grow up" overnight with regards to being domesticated, not going out as much with friends, etc. He also knows he needs to stop hiding contact with ex-gf's even if he says they are just friends and says I can have access to all his emails, cell phone etc. and says he will PROVE to me I am the love of his life and won't ever lose me again.

It sounds all wonderful, but I just don't get how you can all of a sudden know exactly what you want and become SO easygoing and positive about the future. He says he pushes people away because he is not happy inside of himself and he hates himself and he should have talked to me more about what he feels. He is currently working with a counselor, which I told him is a great idea and will make him a happier and better person.

I guess my thread is a little about this situation, healing after these relationships and in regards to my sexual past I am doing a little self-exploration to understand if I might have some kind of addiction or intimacy issue that makes it so easy for me to separate love/sex?

I have grown up quite a lot over the years now that I am 29, but in my earlier dating life I could NOT be alone... and in a way I suppose it is still continuing because here I am seeing a new guy after 6 weeks and although I am NOT intending to start a relationship, I actually want to be single for the whole summer and maybe the winter too... I like having a sexual partner. I am not sure if that is normal or not?

 

Thank you for reading and any advise or opinions you may have for me..