My first ever gay relationship OVER - ex dumped me - cannot cope anymore - HELP.

[NM1993]

I am 18 years old male gay -Nathan

My ex is 20 year old male - Scott

We were together for 11 months before he splitt up with me 7 weeks ago, Me and scott Both came out of the closet to family and friends together!

 

Well last year i was friends with a lad called ryan (he is 17 now 16 at the time) he is also gay.. we had this fling once but nothing came from it.. and ryan was speaking to scott first they went out and stuff but ryan just sacked scott off because he was scared of people finding out.. so me and scott started speaking went out etc and got together.. it was perfect! we did alot of things together.. however scott is a workaholic! he has 2 jobs.. his professional job 9-5 then his part time job as a starter cheff 4/5 nights a week.. unfortunately i work with scott at the restraunt.. which is quite painful to keep seeing him anyways..

 

We were going really well, got together on 28th of may 2010.. we went on holiday with his family to barcelona in september 2010! he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me ..

 

as time passed we got to the point were we just argued all the time i was always needy and scared of him leaving.. but that was because he just lost intrest and didn't show it anymore! it has caused me to develop anxiety now.. i know it was our first propper gay relationship but he really did wanna spend the rest of his life with me? and i did with him..

 

but after 3 previous break ups in like 5 weeks he finally ended it with me the fourth time for good.. he didn't love me anymore, didn't find me attractive anymore.. and wanted to live his life, get on the gay scene propperly..

 

Im in bits and i don't know how to cope.. I was so good to him.. i made him pack lunches for work and put little notes in telling him how much i loved him, we always slept mine never his! always had tea at mine, he didn't expect it but i liked doing it for him.. but i got nothing in return

 

and now to top it all off... scott went for a drive with my ex friend ryan the other day, the one scott use to be getting into and scott kissed ryan 3 times its breaking my heart! why go back to him.. scott is now 20 and ryan is 17? another reason scott broke up with me was because of my age

 

Its running through my head both of them together.. they have both decided to not do anything more because of the age gap etc plus they both want to be single.. but scott has said when ryan is old enough they probably will do stuff.. the only reason scott went for a drive with ryan was because he had a sex dream about him and ejaculated in his sleep! ALL of this is ripping me apsrt.. my worst nightmare of them 2 of doing things has come true..

 

I feel so worthless, and used.. after we splitt up scott still came round to mine for a bit, we had sex 6 times! he came round once because he missed the cuddles once he even told me he misses me? on a night out i saw him we had an argument and i told him I hate him, then he text me later on saying you think its easy for me but its not i still love you and im not over you.. he even said to ryan in the car that he still loves me but its tuff because he wants to be single.. how can one person be so heartless and then my friend goes and does that! but my friend ryan has now said he still likes scott and always has just never said anything because he saw me and scott were happy..

 

Will scott ever realise? will he ever look back and actually miss me?.. he has spent so much money since we broke up? would it be a way of him dealing with the break up, he just choses to not think about it and forget it all.. will it eventually hit him?

 

How do i move on really? i actually feel suicidal.. help

[Chiyomaster]

I'm sorry to hear that Nathan. but you have to remember that this is your first gay break up your entire life. You have to understand there's billions of other men around the world and at the most are gay. I know..your first breaking up is always the toughest! Maybe you two should talk alone and just spill out everything on your mind and how you feel. He'll never know unless you tell him-worst comes to worst is that he won't talk to you. Now how to cope with being broken up...try to find things that interest you and keep yourself busy. I'm guessing you'll be in college soon and let me tell ya there's a lot of openly gays because they're away from their family. Just stay positive and remember that, "your beuatiful in your own way becuase god makes no mistakes your on the right track baby cuz you were born this way..." lol just keep moving forward and you'll meet someone you deserve!?

[NM1993]

Thank you for your advice and reply.. We have spoke etc - its getting to the point now were he doesn't want much to do with me anymore.. were now at the no contact stage but im finding it so difficult and keep texting him and i know i shouldn't. Unfortuanetely im not going to uni but doing other courses so hopefully i can make friends there as i don't have many anymore after coming out i really changed when i met scott, i got my first job because of scott he motivated me.. now im on my second job unfortunately it is were he works too!.. i also quit my drug addiction when i met scott.. and i quit smoking.. i did alot for him and because of him thats why im in bits

[hunniebunn]

*Hugs*

I could always say that there are many fish in the sea, but it's so true. Like said above, it is your first relationship, and this relationship now shapes what you will look for in a boyfriend. Stay in the no contact zone, trust me. And good for you quitting all those habits, but now just think that you quit for yourself, not him. And I read that you liked doing little things for him, but you got something in return, it hurt a bit didn't it. A relationship shouldn't be one person pleasing another, its discovering things together, and doing cute, unexpected things!

You will get through it, I promise. I just got out of a 4 year relationship with my guy, and all of the things I said above is from experience. Keep your chin up

[avman]

Well the drug addiction and smoking really is all for you. Think about it. Who benefited most from that? Well you did of course. Now you are free from the addiction, have a healthier body and mind, more money in your pocket from not buying drugs and cigarettes. That sounds like a great deal to me.

 

I wouldn't talk to him anymore if I were you. It's obviously too painful and you need to heal yourself. And it sounds like he even used you during the early break up stages. So he's messing with your head and your heart. Cut him off and start letting him go. Be patient with yourself because it takes time to get through this. Go out, meet new people, be open to the experiences.

[bulletproof]

Hi Nathan. I know you are in a lot of pain right now, but I promise that it will get easier for you. Just remember that no relationship is ever a waste, so you shouldn't feel used. You will always walk away from situations a little smarter and knowing yourself a little better. And those who pointed out that you definitely got the better end of the deal- they are right: you don't smoke or do drugs anymore, and that's great. I'm sure you changed Scott's life, too, and even if he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore, you have made an impact and I'll bet he knows that. Juts go forward and remember that there are so many good people in the world that you will get to know.

[Cadence44]

Hi Nathan,

 

(I'm sorry for writing a novel. I guess that I had a lot of feedback, and I hope that at least some of it helps you to feel better!):

 

The amount of pain that you are in is palpable. It sounds as if Scott was your first love, and it can be a struggle to recover from those because you haven't had to get through this type of pain before. Once you've been in a few relationships and break-ups you can have the perspective that you will get through the aftermath. Sometimes if you are hurt particularly badly, you can't understand that you will ever feel okay again, but you will. Time heals. I promise you are not always going to feel like this.

 

You will find love again and you will find joy in your life again, particularly if you refocus on your well being. It sounds like you are still quite wrapped up in how Scott views you and how Scott views Ryan. These things should not matter to you because you should try hard to make your well-being matter the most.

 

unfortunately i work with scott at the restraunt.. which is quite painful to keep seeing him anyways..

 

It will be best for you to cut ties with Scott. Can you look for a new job? I know that letting those ties to him go is scary, but it really is the best thing you can do to make yourself feel better. Be courageous about it, and don't expect that cutting ties will be painless. It's going to hurt like heck, but if you stick with it you will be very glad that you did that.

 

No one knows the future, Nathan. You are young, Scott is young, Ryan is young. People lose touch with one another, and in some time it is always possible to reconnect. If it helps you have the short-term courage to cut ties, focus on this. In a few years, you may find yourself back in touch with Scott. This isn't forever, but it is important that you stay away from him until you are healed. You will know when you are healed, because you will have found a life that is so much better than how you feel now. You may completely lose the desire to have Scott in your life in any capacity. That sounds crazy, doesn't it? But that is what happens when you put your needs first, cut ties with your ex and focus on your healing.

 

You may slip up from time to time, but communicating with Scott is likely to be painful, so you'll need to go back to not speaking with him. It's like touching a hot stove - you want to do it so badly, but when you do, it hurts. Communication with Scott hurts. Eventually you'll be able to see that touching the stove causes pain and discomfort more than anything else and see that it isn't worth it.

 

we went on holiday with his family to barcelona in september 2010! he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me ..

 

This is what happens with young love. You get caught up in the romance and think that you will be together forever, but in reality staying together for life is very very rare. When you are young, you don't truly know who you are and what you'll want out of life. You need to get out and have experiences and relationships before you can pinpoint what you want the rest of your life to be.

 

Many marriages and long term relationships fail because people committed to one another when they were very young. People are constantly changing, and serious commitments that are made when you are young aren't likely to work out. People start to feel like they missed out on life experiences and that the grass might be greener with someone else.

 

as time passed we got to the point were we just argued all the time i was always needy and scared of him leaving.. but that was because he just lost intrest and didn't show it anymore! it has caused me to develop anxiety now

 

It's important that you start to recognize that you cannot build your life around a boyfriend. When you do that, if it isn't going well, you collapse emotionally. You feel insecure and needy and want that person to make you feel better. Unfortunately, that is way too much pressure to put on someone. There is no way that they can build you back up in a way that isn't temporary, and eventually they'll become resentful that you keep expecting them to help you.

 

Also, when you've put aside your needs for so long you are left absolutely empty when the relationship ends. Breakups like that are absolutely devastating. Please work on valuing yourself and developing healthy boundaries. You will be in relationships with other people, you will love one another, and they will most likely come to an end at some point. That's life, but you can help yourself so you won't ever feel such despair again.

 

If you continually work on yourself to grow into a better person, some day you're going be able to react to a break-up by wondering what the heck is wrong with the guy and that it is his loss.

 

but after 3 previous break ups in like 5 weeks he finally ended it with me the fourth time for good.. he didn't love me anymore, didn't find me attractive anymore.. and wanted to live his life, get on the gay scene propperly..

 

This is typical of young relationships. Scott is confusing lust and infatuation with love. The relationship wasn't fun for him anymore, and he took that to mean that he didn't love you. He wants to be free to feel that lust and infatuation with other people, and that is probably why he is hanging out with Ryan. However, he's not suddenly going to change into someone less flaky. Don't be threatened by what he has with Ryan because it will come to an end. Scott is not a long-term relationship guy at this point in his life and he's not going to end up giving more of himself to Ryan than he did with you. What happened wasn't because of you at all, it was because Scott is who he is. You can't change who he is.

 

I was so good to him.. i made him pack lunches for work and put little notes in telling him how much i loved him, we always slept mine never his! always had tea at mine, he didn't expect it but i liked doing it for him.. but i got nothing in return

 

These things are very sweet of you. Don't ever lose your capacity to love, but always remember that it isn't healthy to give so much to someone who isn't giving back to you at the same level. You went out of your way to make Scott feel loved, but it doesn't seem like he went out of his way for you. Instead, he enjoyed the attention that you gave to him and that shifted the "power" of the relationship to him. He saw that you were willing to sacrifice yourself and your needs in order to keep him in your life, and that led him to believe that he was the important one in the relationship.

 

We teach people how to treat us. In the future, treat yourself kindly and don't give away too much of yourself because that can lead people to take you for granted.

 

after we splitt up scott still came round to mine for a bit, we had sex 6 times! he came round once because he missed the cuddles once he even told me he misses me? on a night out i saw him we had an argument and i told him I hate him, then he text me later on saying you think its easy for me but its not i still love you and im not over you.. he even said to ryan in the car that he still loves me but its tuff because he wants to be single.

 

It is never a good idea to have sex after a breakup. He was there for the momentary pleasure, you were there because you wanted him to love you again. Instead, he got attention and physical pleasure and you were pulled back into the pain of loss again.

 

In regard to his comments, he probably isn't over you. He will miss you in his life, but it's clear that he is prioritizing fun and being single. Just because someone misses you doesn't mean that they want to be with you. Don't focus on his words, focus only on his actions - he walked away from you. So no more sex and no more texting with him. Put up your boundaries and enforce them.

 

Will scott ever realise? will he ever look back and actually miss me?.. he has spent so much money since we broke up? would it be a way of him dealing with the break up, he just choses to not think about it and forget it all.. will it eventually hit him?

 

How do i move on really? i actually feel suicidal.. help

 

Your focus on wanting Scott back is absolutely normal. If you read the break-up forums, the recent dumpees cannot focus on anything else than getting that person back. As time goes on and they heal, they slowly come to realize that they were just reacting to the feeling of loss and that they had their ex up on a pedestal. Once you are able to have a clear head, you'll see that he's not that great. You'll see his flaws and you'll be angry at how he treated you.

 

We don't know if Scott will ever realize. He might, but be wary if he tries to come back to you in a matter of weeks or months. If he does, it's not likely that he's learned to value you, it is more likely that his ego needs feeding. Or he could have just broken up with someone else and wants someone to fill the role of boyfriend. Neither of those are good for you and people don't change in a short amount of time. If Scott comes back in a matter of years, then it is more likely that he is a changed man and has realized he let go of something good. Still, be wary until you can trust him.

 

Or he might not ever come back. But even if he doesn't, you will be okay. You will meet new romantic prospects and it will help you get a sense of perspective on this relationship with Scott. I wish I could help you to see that your life is going to be great again, you just have to help yourself get there. Your life is worth so much more than someone who broke up with you.

 

Make sure to be brave and cut ties with Scott. You don't have to be a jerk about it, just treat him politely like you would an acquaintance. Don't text him, don't write him, and don't initiate conversations with him. If you are in a situation where he corners you for a conversation, be pleasant but cut it short and continue on with whatever you were doing. He broke up with you so you need to set these boundaries. Show him that you value yourself enough to put all of your focus on yourself.

 

Also, if you have mutual friends, tell them that you don't want to hear what Scott and/or Ryan are up to. It will only set you back.

 

You went through so many important life experiences when Scott was in your life. You came out, you found what felt like love, and you got rid of addictions. Be proud of those things. They weren't about Scott, they were about you. Congratulations

[NM1993]

cadence44 - Thank you so much for your advice and help! finally someone on here who gave me propper advice (im not slagging down the others who commented) your so right.. i actually cried reading this because your so right, at the minute im just so scared.. im not the best looking or thinnest person in the world, were as scott was, he was gorgeous which is why i always wondered why he went with me? thank you so much.. I like to believe im a winner, and i will come out on top of all of this.. im going to miss scott deeply, i miss our relationship yes.. but tbh i just miss scott the person, he has changed in my eyes and i wish he would come back.. i have been speaking to my mum about it all, and she said scott seems to think he is better than everyone else, he has had sexual activity with 4 other guys already and we have only been splitt up for 7 weeks! he has spent lots of money aswell.. new car, clothes, nights out etc.. he really has changed.. i wish i had the old him back, but i know in years to come ill look back at this and i would have learned from it! thank you so much really !!