Am i just hanging on to hope thats not there????

[m011d402]

Hi all i hope you can help

 

My GF dumped me around a month ago. I went NC for 2 weeks (we work together but i have been off on holiday) and i came back to an email from her which was load of work related stuff but also saying ' You wont stop replying to my emails in work will you? Shall i stop emailing you'

 

This caused me to break NC (i know im dumb) and email her saying loads of stuff id built up about how can she block me out so easily, talk to me like a colleague etc etc. Dumb thing to do.

 

She replied saying she 'has not moved on' and has 'no plans to move on' so iasked why we cant stay in touch etc. She said it wouldnt just be friends and there are conditions to everything. I told her i just couldnt deal with her meeting anyone else and she told me thats not the only condition, she said you want friends and to 'see how it goes'. I said i didnt and we have to work together etc so while we dont want anyone else why not.

 

She also told me she logs onto messenger and reads old emails but is now stopping becuase she spends hours thinking things over if she logs on and reading old stuff.

 

So is she trying to forget me? If so would NC be the best option still as surely that would make it easier? Just seems mixed messages but i could be dillusional. I plan to do month NC (i wont be in work hardly) and then ask her in a month to go for lunch or something. She recently told me she hasnt let me go yet and misses me and thinks about me all the time and also said ' i dont think we we will get back together but cant say what will happen in the future'

 

HELP!

[pumpkinmoon]

I've been where you are sitting now and thankfully came out the other side. It saddens me and also frustrates me to read things like this because I know at the time of posting it you are in a terrible state of mind and think that it will last forever but it won't.

 

I'm going to give you the best advice I can which will both enable you to move and will also be you best shot at a reconcilliation in the future. And that advice is to harden up. She dumped you and I know how awful that feels but as a result she deserves nothing from you. In your position I don't think being friends is an option right now. In your shoes, I would tell her that you have accepted her decision and you need to move on and that you would appreciate her allowing you to do that. It seem to me that by her contact she is trying to make sure you are still there, take that away from her.

[italiannmf24]

Go into NC unless it's worked related. It's hard but it's gonna be worth it once your healed.

[m011d402]

Thanks its strange because in some ways she has been fair she hasnt text me rung me etc but its hard at work. Last time i was in she came downstairs to check i was ok. Maybe she feels guilty i dont know. She has told me she loves me but cant be with me because i had insecurities about us. Which were true but i did rectify most of those. We went on holiday and she changed totally and ended it when we got back, its my view it was already over when we went away, it was like she was trying to set me up to fail so she could validate her ending it. I am going to just stop contactiong her as of today. Its my birthday friday which makes it ten times worse as no doubt she will text or if she doesnt in a way thats just as bad. She said shes not interested in meeting anyone until one of us has left work, and i believe her, she does always stick to her word. I dont know, its just so frustrating knowing she is just blanking me out of her mind, basically she has admitted she doesnt want to read over old stuff and doubt her decision.... arrrgggghhhhh!

[pumpkinmoon]

She probably does feel guilty and I am sure that she has doubts about her decision, but these are things that don't concern you anymore and things that are out of your control. It doesn't matter what she is thinking, what matters is you and your healing. I would definitely go back to NC and ignore any contact from her unless you absolutely have to answer anything that is work related.

 

She might come back and she might not, there is no way of knowing and no way to influence her decison. The best you can do now is get yourself back on your feet and start healing yourself. And by the way, if she does decide to make a come back don't welcome her with open arms.

[m011d402]

She is very stubborn and im not sure she would contact me.. is it worth putting a 'feeler' out in a month, asking her to lunch or something?

[pumpkinmoon]

She may be stubborn, I am too but I know that if they truly think they have made a mistake and that they want to try things again, they will find some way of making it known. I don't think you should do that in a months time, she already suspects that you want to be friends to see how things go in terms of regaining the relationship, you need to prove her wrong with this too. If you ask her out to lunch she will know you have other intentions and she wouldn't be wrong.

 

I am also assuming that this would come after a month of NC, in which case do you want to undo the hard work of that and face a possible rejection if she declined your offer? This would set you back considerably.

[m011d402]

very true.. just wonder how long i should leave it to get in touch? I.e. if she still logs onto messenger which she only uses to talk to me is that a sign? Or if she emails me about work but then goes off topic.. i dont understand if i ignore that surely she will just think im not interested? Confused

[pumpkinmoon]

I know what you mean and it's hard to grasp at first. The key is to understand and accept that if she is to come back she will do so of her own accord and her coming back is a 50/50 chance in my opinion. Nothing you do or don't do will change that. When I was first trawling these boards looking for similar advice like you are now back in 2008 I finally came accross a simple sentence which really stuck with me and that was, "The best thing to do is to do nothing". If you do nothing, you can do nothing wrong. I don't buy into plans and tactics about getting an ex to come back, but I think some things increse your chances whilst other things completely ruin your chances. One of the things that I thinks needs to happen is for the dumper (hate that word) to miss you, and for this to happen you need to be gone. In my situation a few years back I dropped off the face of the earth and I think that helped.

[m011d402]

Can a dumper miss you if you work together though? As i definitely get the feeling she uses work as a means of contact i.e. emailing me about work issues but stuff that just doesnt really need to be said? What happened when you dropped off the face of the earth? Sorry, lots of questions!?