fiona1985 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Let me start out by saying my boyfriend and I just became engaged last friday. It's something I've been wanting for a long time, so needless to say I am thrilled about it and over the moon happy. We are closing on a house together at the end of the month and have a lot to look forward to. For the most part, things are *really* good and I'd say we are happy. Now that being said, we have a little problem that I'd like to get some opinions on. Both of our families live in the same area as us. We go over his parents house a LOT. I'd say 3-4 weekend days a month we are over there or go out and do something with them (lunch, movie, casino, etc). I have no problem with this at all, because they are truly some of the nicest warmest people i've ever met. I really like them. Anytime they invite us over, my answer is always yes. There are sometimes days when I'd like to spend time alone with him, but don't want to sound * * * * * y, so I say yes anyway. We always end up having fun. Although last sunday we sat and played cards with his entire family for 3+hours and I really didn't enjoy it and was hoping it would end the whole time, but never said anything because I don't want him to get the wrong idea. But I suppose that's irrelevant, because most of the time, I don't mind and even enjoy hanging out with them. The thing is, he doesn't seem as willing to do things with my family. Tonight my mom and I are meeting at my brother's house for dinner and he says he will be too tired after work to go all the way there. My brother's house is about 20 minutes farther than his parents house and about 45 minutes from our house all together. This really irritates me because even though it's not an official celebration of our engagement, my brother hasn't seen the ring yet and hasn't seen us since it happened. So i'm sure he wants to say congratulations and stuff. But him straying out of plans with my family isn't a new thing. It's not like he said no one time and I'm being a big whiney baby over it. This is a repetitive pattern. Not to stray too far off subject, but my fiance seems very close minded to the idea of doing anything during the week after work except going to the dog track. I'm starting to wonder if it's an age thing. He is 37 and I am 25. Could he really be too phsycially drained from work to put in some effort and enjoy life? He does furniture upholstery, which is somewhat physical. But he has total bankers hours and works from 9ish-3ish. I don't know, just looking for some opinions here. I suppose a part of me doesn't mind too much and it's mainly just the principle of it. But it would be nice for him to bond with my family and want to spend time together. I tend to be too forgiving and leniant in relationships and end up getting walked all over, putting in all the effort, and taken for granted. That isn't the case here , I don't think. But I don't want it to turn into that.
mad rabbits Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I dealt with this in my relationship with my ex fiance. I am not saying this is the case with you, but in mine it turned out to be a commitment issue (he didn't want to).
DN Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I think he should make the effort to bond with your family but there are some things to consider: - does he feel as comfortable with your family as you do with his? Is he made to feel welcome, is he criticised, is there an issue about the age difference at all? - do you visit his family after work or when he isn't as tired? - if it's just the principle of it - is it worth making an issue of it? - just because you are happy going to his family as often as you do it doesn't mean he has to match the amount of time going to yours - it's not something that you have to keep score about. I think the main issue is - is he being unreasonable or are your expectations too high because you are expecting parity for the princilple rather than really wanting to spend more time with your family.
mad rabbits Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I think the main issue is - is he being unreasonable or are your expectations too high because you are expecting parity for the princilple rather than really wanting to spend more time with your family. That's a reasonable interpretation but I think she is asking the Q because they just got engaged and she is wondering what this means in terms of married life (that he doesn't bond with her family).
fiona1985 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 mad rabbits- by commitment issue, are you saying he simply didn't want to be around you? dn- he is comfortable with my family, they love him and trip all over him to make him feel welcome. the age difference is a non issue. my grandparents were 10 years apart and married for over 50 years. also, we are at the same point in life. both have careers and the same goals. the age difference has never been an issue, until now when i'm wondering if he simply doesn't have the same energy level as me. we don't usually visit his family after work, but we have before. it is partly the principle of it, but it's also the plain fact that i'd like him to share some nice experiences with my family and i. i haven't made an issue of it to him, other than pouting and saying i'm a little dissapointed but i understand. we aren't currently fighting over it or anything. i agree that i shouldn't be keeping score.
mad rabbits Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 By commitment issues I mean, he had agreed (offered) to marry, but wasn't actually in it.
tattoobunnie Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I'm confused...you bite your tongue on how you really feel, and you expect him to read your mind? You're getting married...you need to voice your feelings, needs, and wants. You wanted to see your brother. It was important. You ASSUME he would know better. Then, you didn't even say anything. If you don't find your voice now, you will end up as a shell of yourself, only going by his whims, and will be unhappy. The man loves you, and I guarantee he wants to hear what you have to say. It's okay to put your foot down once in a while. It's not a brat thing to do...it's being heard. It's acting like an equal, and becoming one by your actions. Don't say "you understand" when you don't feel it. If you want others, not just your fiance to take you seriously, take yourself seriously. Don't apologize for how you feel. Your life and the atmosphere is what you make it into. Oh, and no, all my married buds, family that's married, are his age or around his age, and have no problem going out on weekdays, weekends. And do have many activities throughout the days like social events, running marathons (seriously), partying, family, work, networking, etc.
fiona1985 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 tattoobunnie, i think you've misunderstood. when he said no, I told him i was dissapointed (see post above) and acted dissappointed. He knows i'm not okay with it. But i'm not going to fly off the handle and start a huge battle over it. it's not worth "fighting" over. trust me, he knows where i stand on the issue and that's that. as far as saying i understand, his excuse was that he will be too tired after work. if that is *really* the case, then i DO understand, but albeit am still dissapointed.
tattoobunnie Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Couples fight. There's nothing wrong with that. Just learn to fight fairly. When you say "you understand" you are literally discounting your disappointment and feelings. And if you did understand, and were over it, you wouldn't need to come here to get feedback, advice, 2nd opinions. (Please keep in mind, what I'm getting at is that this matter is important to you, and has not been resolved, and considering you've tried one method of bringing something up, and pretending it's nothing, then letting it go with him, and not with you...try a different method.) People can get so worried that if we act a little uppity that our partner will freak out and leave. But the thing is, if we really trust our partner, a fight won't drive them away. Standing up for ourselves won't drive them away. The right partner is one that is always willing to work with us, love us in the way we need them to love us, and do things for us that make us happy. But if we don't really say what's on our mind, act like it's nothing, and make it sound like it isn't that big of a deal...it's really our fault for not standing up for ourselves. A person can love you with all their heart, and still managed to push you around. If you want respect, command it. It's something you learn to do over time. And the reason why I know (and I'm not judging, it's a learning process) you haven't found your voice is because you believe that standing up for yourself is "flying off the handle." It's not. It's standing up for your needs and wants. Very different things.
DN Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I think the main issue is - is he being unreasonable or are your expectations too high because you are expecting parity for the princilple rather than really wanting to spend more time with your family. That's a reasonable interpretation but I think she is asking the Q because they just got engaged and she is wondering what this means in terms of married life (that he doesn't bond with her family).Thanks but perhaps we should let the OP answer for herself.
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