Themegchan Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 There were no signs. I was happy and he was happy, from what I could tell. Even today I've been wracking my mind for some kind of sign that I missed that this would happen and I can't come up with anything. This sort of thing has never happened before. There was literally nothing that could have told me the break up was coming. He smiled every time I kissed him, told me I was cute and adorable, and gave me hugs often. When we were in public, we were THAT couple, always hanging on each other, dancing together, holding hands and being gross. We made several plans together for outings. It was nice. I was falling for him. I let my guard down because everything seemed so perfect. I've dated a lot of guys...but there was something about this one that I just knew was the one. Then, after about two weeks of dating, out of the blue, he messaged me and told me he wanted to talk to me, but he didn't want me to get sad. I panicked, but kept an open mind. He said he felt like we jumped into a relationship too fast and he wasn't ready for it. He said he didn't feel right with me. He didn't think there was any spark nor chemistry nor did I have "long-term potential" but he still wanted to try to be friends. Friends? After the way I felt? There was no way. I was heart-broken. I can't remember a time where I felt so paralyzed with sadness. Everything was so wonderful and this just came out of the blue. He had just gotten out of a 5-year marriage as well to a girl that not only cheated on him several times, but did not give two craps about him. Now, here I was, really liking him for who he was. He said he was more attracted to that than he was to me and that wasn't fair to me. It's been about three days now and everyone tells me to get over it because it didn't last that long. But I'm crushed. I feel like he didn't give me a chance to get to know me and now he has no idea how much this hurts. I don't know if I would take him back if he came back, but I don't want to bet on that either. I just want to move forward and to stop crying all the time. I just want to be able to pick myself back up and be normal and happy again. I want to be able to jump back in the dating pool but not compare every guy I meet to him or have severe trust issues either. I really just want to function again and I know better than to hold on to any hope that he may change his mind and come back. Advice? Similar stories? Anything would be appreciated.
bulletproof Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I'm not sure you can say it came out of nowhere when you were only dating for two weeks. At two weeks, you really just don't know a person, even if you spent every minute of that two weeks together. Maybe take the time now to figure out why you got attached so quickly, and why you would be okay with him coming back. He doesn't sound like he's all that emotionally healthy if he is telling you that he prefers an abusive ex to a non-abusive relationship. But, again, he has a whole lifetime behind him that you know very little about, so best to chalk this one up to a bullet dodged and move on.
mad rabbits Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 He had just gotten out of a 5-year marriage as well to a girl that not only cheated on him several times, but did not give two craps about him. Now, here I was, really liking him for who he was. He said he was more attracted to that than he was to me and that wasn't fair to me. This is likely the answer, you were a rebound. Also, when I started reading your post and you said it came out of nowhere, I was equally surprised, but then you mentioned that you had only been dating two weeks, and I wasn't surprised at all.
TakingtheBlame Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 This sounds like a classic case of rebound (I hate that term because it puts such a silly label on complicated emotional and psychological processes.) A person who has just come out of a 5 year marriage (quite a commitment) with someone who treated him badly has some serious personal issues to work through before he can truly open himself up to someone else. I'm one of those perpetual students who has been in school for a majority of her (relatively) short life, and I like to think of it as how I feel about dating while studying for really important exams...times 100. When I've got a major test looming in my future and all I do is study and I still don't feel like I'll ever be ready, resulting in lack of sleep and anxiety and nausea etc., the last thing I need is to cater to another person, no matter how wonderful he is. Right now, this guy's priority is working through his baggage, which I'd bet is massive...you're reeling from the end of a 2 week relationship, so imagine how much pain, confusion, and self esteem issues he must be dealing with after a 5 year marriage (she may have been horrible, but he chose to marry her and stay with her, so there must have been something that kept him there.) Don't take these things personally. And yes, I've been through this, for the record. Dumped after 4 months by a guy who had just come out of an 8 year relationship/eventual engagement/cohabitation, for seemingly no reason. Aaaaand he was in therapy for it, which he claimed had some part in why he ended up having to leave me...he wanted to give his full attention to therapy, to healing, and to himself, and couldn't give me what I (and I quote) "deserved."
cantexplain Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 These things happen!! I would not be disappointed in yourself or him. It says a lot about both of you that you were interested in one another. And I am glad for both of you that he was honest enough with himself to tell you that he is not ready, after all. By the time he gets through the work he needs to to do after a 5 year abusive or neglectful romance, he wil be a different guy. There is no telling what his values and priorities in romance will then be. I don't think he could even know, at this point. Until then you also are likely missing out on some mindfields in his heart and mind that have not been tripped accross; but will no doubt be by whomever is his next partner. You chose to date a guy who has now done the right thing and recognized he is not able to be the man you are looking for. You can't change him. When he is done with his changes he will likely be a good guy and a good partner. But it could be years and it will LIKELY to take a few more heartbreaks along his path as he finds out who is. Let him go and try not to be resentful and occupy your mind when he is not in your life anymore, I say. He has let you go for his own reasons, but it was the right thing for both of you.
Themegchan Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 I don't really know what to do now though. Do I try to be friends with him or do I just cut off all contact? I've heard that cutting off all contact is usually the best route...but I'm not sure.
cantexplain Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Cutting off all contact is what has worked best for me. I would be honest about my feelings (eg I am hurt and feel abandoned or misled but do not want to date and appreciate the honesty which eventually came and understand need for space aafter difficult relationship) and say you need a great deal of space now and do not want to hear from him for a long, long time so you can focus on your life. Me? I always make myself open to repeat these thoughts in a few more conversations for those who have difficult time "hearing" them and need to talk some more. And I usually benefit by cementing them again, anyway. But after a few of those conversations, if they occur, I then have to tell the other person we both need some COMPLETE space and COMPLETE quiet for a great while. Most important is cementing the idea in my head and that it is over completely. Be careful, I say: We fool ourselves sometimes that by being only friends things are cool and both are level with the new state of affairs. In many cases, one or both are just holding on to some kind of hybrid, romantic compromise for fear of completely letting go.
alli Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 It's not unusual for relationships that progress with such acceleration to stop suddenly. Both people's feelings are based too much on how the relationship makes them feel, not who the other person is. A warm body next to you. With such a flood of endorphins in your brain, you attach those feelings to the person even if you don't really know them. It's tough. I'd imagine the relationship is almost like going through withdrawal. The time immediately following the breakup is extremely painful, even if the relationship was very short. But you will also probably recover faster than say, he will from his 5 year marriage ending. I guess that's about it. Let yourself wallow in your pity for another day. Then force yourself to go out & hang out with friends & do things you normally enjoy.
TakingtheBlame Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I don't really know what to do now though. Do I try to be friends with him or do I just cut off all contact? I've heard that cutting off all contact is usually the best route...but I'm not sure. I wouldn't give it too much thought, one way or the other, after two weeks, to be honest. It usually takes me two weeks to remember what my new main squeeze's face looks like in a crowd. I certainly wouldn't be the one to chase after him, though, and if he attempted to keep in touch I'd be polite but not overly indulgent. You barely knew him, after all, and there's no sense in getting to know him better once he's left, which will probably lead you to further romanticize him and prolong the time you spend pining over him, rather than counting your blessings that this "relationship" lasted a short amount of time and will thus allow a quicker emotional recovery. Swinging back around to my similar situation with 8-year-relationship guy, I tried keeping in touch as "friends" after his sudden departure but this gave me more reason to pine after him; I kept hoping maybe when he healed he'd appreciate that I'd continued to be there for him and consider me his first choice when he was ready to date again. In retrospect, I see soooo many things wrong with that reasoning...but the bottom line is, when I finally decided I was disgusted with him and the way he had treated me, I no longer had any desire to talk to him or even see his face. Shortly thereafter, I met my boyfriend (who is, objectively and subjectively, 100 times more amazing than the last guy, who I honestly hope rots in hell, pardon my French and all of that.) My only regret is that I waited so long to cut that other guy off in every way, and postponed my emotional recovery/ability to be open to someone new, over such a short, relatively insignificant relationship.
25thfloor Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 No, I wouldn't be his friend...you dated 2 weeks. Leave it alone. Be glad that you found somebody you even liked and move on. You're a blip in his radar after a 5 year marriage. Yep, it's rebound...be glad you didn't waste years like i did on previous rebound relationships.....
endy Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 There's probably a past issue where you were hurt that you didn't get over it completely or the right way. Your brain is also going back to a time where you felt abandoned. Could have been as a smile child. We just don't remember it because it's in our emotional memory instead of a memory we can see clearly. That's what's going on now possibly. It's a rebound, but it doesn't matter on the length of time about how you feel about someone. Read the journey from abandonment to healing. You'll understand what you are feeling. It probably won't take that long to get over, but make sure there's not something deeper there that is causing you to react this way.
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