Advice needed regarding post break-up contact.

[aragon]

Well, i'll try to keep this brief. I was in a LDR for approximately 1 year. I was ready to talk about longer term committment, but he was not. He also couldn't handle the distance, so we broke up. I think it may be more accurate to say he broke up with me. He essentially ended it with saying that he needed to know if he was going to miss me.....maybe that would tell him that I was "the one". He also mentioned that maybe we could just go back to "talking". I was NOT ok with that.

 

I never reached out to him....3 months post BU, he started to email. It was sporadic, and very impersonal. Contact was on his terms and I felt powerless. I eventually stopped responding to him out of frustration.

 

Eight months after that (over 1 year post BU), he emails again. He had contacted here and there to wish me well. He emailed 1 year after the day we met to tell me that he thinks of me often and especially on THAT day. I have never initiated contact b/c i'm still very much in love with him and do not want to get hurt. I should have asked him why he needed to email me this way, but I didn't. We had been emailing every single day for over 1 month. I would try to get him to call or ask if I could call. He was always too busy. He called on one occasion, but he was rushed and I was too emotional to say much (didn't let him know it, though).

 

I asked him to call me this last friday; he said he would be busy so maybe we could "touch base" the following weekend. I got angry and emailed him to let him know I thought that his behavior was a bit selfish. I essentially said that noone was THAT busy and that I was tired of everything being on his terms. I also didn't understand why he had to let me know everytime he remembered me, etc.

I told him that we shouldn't be friends.

 

I feel terrible. I know that to him, this came out of the blue. I think that he probably has been over me, but still thinks of me fondly, or maybe he needed someone to lean on, as he is at a vulnerable stage at the moment. I haven't heard from him since. I am really confused as to whether or not I did the right thing. Our break-up was carried out in such a way that I expected him to have made an epipheny if he was going to come back into the picture. Even if he didn't come back declaring that he changed his mind, I expected him to atleast tell me how he felt.

Did I just clearly miss the signs of being friend zoned?

 

Please give me your 2 cents (if you could decipher this at 3 in the morning).

 

Thanks.

[hello678]

Being friend zoned? Its a bit hard to use that terminology after there has been any sort of relationship (I assume there was at some stage a sexual relationship and it wasn't just entirely friend like contact).

 

However i think you are being beyond fair. You don't want to be his friend because you still have feelings for him, he clearly wants you in his life but not enough to be his girlfriend. The contact he is carrying on with is making healing and eventual reconciliation impossible.

 

I'm not sure if you want to be back together with him or not. But if that is the case you need to express to him that you would like to reconcile and if he is interested he should get in touch but otherwise he should never contact you.

[aragon]

Thanks for the advice, mtom12. Yes, of course it was a regular romantic relationship with physical intimacy, etc. I just wish I kne his motive for this kind of contact. I feel like the way I handled it will push him away for good.

[vivia12]

As an LDR survivor dumpee you did the right thing or else he would have kept contacting and stringing you along while he goes on with his life. This could go on for years,look at my many threads,and its STILL going on.

Even though I know its not right to keep contact with him,for me its hard to just end it,even though I should.

Be thankful that you nipped this in the bud,or else he would have contacted you one day telling you how he's met someone,like mine did August 2007.

[aragon]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I guess i'm just feeling hurt that I never got to discuss it with him. I suppose the bottom line is that I (we) can't settle for crumbs. If he REALLY wanted me in his life, he would've responded to my email and let me know how he felt.

[hello678]

I can tell you exactly his motivation. He still likes you in his life, but not enough to commit to you or to show be exclusive. He likes you as a person and is being entirely selfish in the fact he won't leave you alone. But he doesn't want to date you, he never wants to date you again, but he enjoys the attention / talking to you.

 

As said above, I would honestly tell him unless he wants to get back together never contact you again.

[aragon]

Thanks again, mtom12....it stings a little, i know it's true.

[hello678]

I'm sorry I have to be the one who provides the stinging news. But unfortunately knowing the truth is the best possible situation and will empower you to remove this hurting.

[vivia12]

Look best thing is to just leave the Cow alone for now,I swear he will contact you once you ignore him,works every time, That happened to me more than once,. Just keep in mind what You really want. Theres a saying,but its more from a Law of detachment point of view. When you actually relax and give up,or not trip about what you really want-thats when its more likely to come.

I say dont contact him,eventually he will. Still,you have to have the mindset,Its nice if he can contact me,or shows me he care,but I dont really NEED it,and dont NEEd him.

 

Its true,ppl,especially guys,when they know your into them act that way,they start pulling back. Look up crapatNC's post about nonchalance,being indiffent.

Its not a game but a way of belief,dont let him think he has a hold on you.

 

Keep saying,and believing ,and do things to make you feel better,something to make you smile,whether its movie,or a book,or good music. Music always does it for me. Know that life has more to offer then that one thing you cling to.

I'm working on it,and I believe i'm doing fine,so will you,you'll see.

[dramallama]

He may think of you fondly... but not enough to actually want to commit to you. Tell him that you do not appreciate him contacting you to tell you that he misses you and thinks of you because it just leads you on. Hopefully he will stop giving you false hope, but it doesn't mean he necessarily will. I think he's made it clear to you and had enough time to think and he knows that he doesn't want to commit to you. If he did, he wouldn't wait months or years inbetween contact - because that would make you free for another guy to pursue you.

 

If you'd like to learn how to change your social media to promote healing, the thread is in my signature. You really need to go hardcore NC - delete and remove him from facebook, uninstall your chat programs, block him from email and all that jazz.

[aragon]

Thanks to everyone one for your comments, suggestions. I know you are all right, it's just so hard to hear. I really loved him and thought he was the one. I know i'm not re-inventing the wheel here, but I just am amazed at how we could got from being so close, to him treating me like i'm an afterthought. It makes me sick.....i'm also disgusted with myself. The thought of even meeting anyone else seems impossible to me.

[dramallama]

Thanks to everyone one for your comments, suggestions. I know you are all right, it's just so hard to hear. I really loved him and thought he was the one. I know i'm not re-inventing the wheel here, but I just am amazed at how we could got from being so close, to him treating me like i'm an afterthought. It makes me sick.....i'm also disgusted with myself. The thought of even meeting anyone else seems impossible to me.

That's not something that you need to focus on now. It may seem impossible, but you will probably fall in love again, even if you don't believe me now (you don't have to).

 

What you should be focusing on is taking action that will promote healing - such as telling him that you are not interested in "touching base" or anything less than a committed relationship, then deleting him from facebook, removing chat programs, blocking his email, spending less time on the computer, not replying to any contact etc. Then you will feel better. The reason you feel bad is because you're stuck in limbo - once you make a decision to move on from someone that is lukewarm towards you, you will feel tons better and your self esteem will improve.

[aragon]

Thanks Drama, I actually appreciate the straight-forwardness. I think that i've lived in pergatory for too long. I feel a little relieved now. Like I finally see things for what they are.

[dramallama]

Thanks Drama, I actually appreciate the straight-forwardness. I think that i've lived in pergatory for too long. I feel a little relieved now. Like I finally see things for what they are.

You're welcome. That is extremely common to feel relieved because now you have a choice - you are the one that can take control of your life now, instead of just allowing him to contact you whenever he feels like it. You will miss him at first, but you will feel so much happier in the long run. You will start to feel better soon enough.

[twitchyfingers]

I would try to get him to call or ask if I could call. He was always too busy. He called on one occasion, but he was rushed and I was too emotional to say much (didn't let him know it, though).

 

I asked him to call me this last friday; he said he would be busy so maybe we could "touch base" the following weekend. I got angry and emailed him to let him know I thought that his behavior was a bit selfish. I essentially said that noone was THAT busy and that I was tired of everything being on his terms. I also didn't understand why he had to let me know everytime he remembered me, etc.

I told him that we shouldn't be friends.

 

 

The thing is, he wasn't even treating you like a friend, right? What kind of friend is too busy to talk on the phone? What kind of friend controls the dialogue like that?

 

If your "thanks but no thanks" came to him out of the blue, well, that's more a reflection of his lack of sensitivity and awareness than anything.

 

You did the right thing. And I think putting a little tooth and fang into your words to him was appropriate.

 

I was demoted to friends-only in a LDR situation, so I know how it is easy to get sucked into the electronic communication, and feel still attached. I felt better, over time, once I cut the ties completely.

[aragon]

Thanks alot, Twitchyfingers! Yea, it's pretty awful. Deep down, I let myself think that maybe he wanted more, but it just starts to be torture after a while. They get what they want out of the "relationship" and we get more heartache. I think i'm FINALLY seeing the light.