CarnelianButterfly Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 I've known T for almost a year and a half. We chatted online and met when he moved to my town for school. I started dating my ex, but T and I remained friends. Since breaking up with my ex, T has been on and off about wanting to go out with me. He's expressed how much he likes me, but that he's unsure. In person, he's quiet and shy guy, but when he is texting me he's direct and aggressive. I prefer the text version of him, I get honest answers, clear directions his of thoughts and opinions. He's told me he thinks I'm sexy, smart, cool, fun, and so on, he seems to really like me. We go out and its hard to connect the man in front of me to the one I was talking to on the phone. Going out has also been a problem lately. We make tentative plans and when I contact him, he's not feeling good. I can understand if part of its stress, he's doing some pretty intense research right now, but I also have to wonder if he's avoiding me. I also worry he's depressed. He says he used to be in better shape, competed in triathlons, but now he's not motivated to do any thing physical. He keeps calling himself fat and saying how bad he looks, all of which is completely WRONG. He's gorgeous, still in great shape, and no where near fat. He didn't go to a festival this spring that had a big feature that was one of his main obsessions as a kid, I had asked him to go, but he wasn't feeling like it. He even said it was strange not to go since it was right up his alley. He's a kind, intelligent and sweet guy, but I'm not sure I can handle the dichotomy. I feel like telling him its not going to work out, but I don't want to hurt him or make him more depressed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 I would simply tell him what you told us. I would tell him that it seems he always cancels on you. Is there a better night of the week, even if its days or a week in advance, or does he really not want to go out with you? Also, perhaps even in a playful way tell him that he is like two different people. It could be that he lacks the confidence in person or it doesn't seem as "real" in text. Or he could be just extremely stressed. Some people also express themselves better when they write. I am definitely one of them. In person, I think of a great thing to say...ten minutes too late. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mouseno4 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Text is anonymous and emotionless. I could tell you my deepest darkest feelings over text. I doubt anyone could do the same in person. There is no feeling of immediate embarrassment. Getting past his armour is pretty difficult. I doubt he will easily let you in. The only way he can do that, is via text. It is up to you if you want to try to really get to know him enough, so that he lets his guard down and lowers his armour - and reveal the vulnerable side of him to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatsMeeoow Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Yup... its possible to have a completely different life in text world than the real world. This guy is lacking some real interpersonal skills if he is shy and quiet in your presence but a hound dog on his phone... is that what you really want in a bf? I'm guessing probably not. Sounds like he has some issues to work through - I think you can be a good friend to him but I wouldn't say it would make a great relationship... not at the point where he is now. Good Luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted June 14, 2011 Author Share Posted June 14, 2011 I would simply tell him what you told us. I would tell him that it seems he always cancels on you. Is there a better night of the week, even if its days or a week in advance, or does he really not want to go out with you? Also, perhaps even in a playful way tell him that he is like two different people. It could be that he lacks the confidence in person or it doesn't seem as "real" in text. Or he could be just extremely stressed. Some people also express themselves better when they write. I am definitely one of them. In person, I think of a great thing to say...ten minutes too late. I am not a confrontational person, I am always worried about hurting the feelings of others that I find it hard to speak up for myself. I know I need to call him out on it, but I don't want to feel like a jerk. Text is anonymous and emotionless. I could tell you my deepest darkest feelings over text. I doubt anyone could do the same in person. There is no feeling of immediate embarrassment. Getting past his armour is pretty difficult. I doubt he will easily let you in. The only way he can do that, is via text. It is up to you if you want to try to really get to know him enough, so that he lets his guard down and lowers his armour - and reveal the vulnerable side of him to you. I don't understand how people feel anonymous during a text conversation. I always visualize the person I'm talking to, I honestly don't like cell phones and text messages because of the lack of visual feedback. I much prefer a face to face conversation. I feel like I have seen past his guard in texts, but when we are together it feels like such a loss of connection. It makes it hard for me to respond to him. I know I mirror his personality when I'm around him, which I know isn't helping. I'm a fairly bubbly and cheerful person, but he is so shy around me that I feel like my personality is too big and I quiet down a lot. Yup... its possible to have a completely different life in text world than the real world. This guy is lacking some real interpersonal skills if he is shy and quiet in your presence but a hound dog on his phone... is that what you really want in a bf? I'm guessing probably not. Sounds like he has some issues to work through - I think you can be a good friend to him but I wouldn't say it would make a great relationship... not at the point where he is now. Good Luck I think you might be right that he has some issues, he mentioned that his Mom thought he was gay for a long time because he never talked about girlfriends. Its hard to see us having a future if we can't even talk without a phone between us. Sometimes when were together he has his moments of openness, he's talkative and I get to see who he is, but then he will clam up and barely talk. He loves talking about his nieces and nephews, so I try to get him talking about them and then segue into another topic, it works, but it would be nice to have open conversations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 CB - it doesn't have to be confrontational. You can simply say to him in a flirty playful way "hey Bubba Joe...you know ..you remind me of Clark Kent and Superman. Its like you are one when you text and the other when you are with me." And be playful about it. Also, what about referring to something he said in text in person...asking if he still was interested in X that he mentioned in text, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 btw, I don't think you are not saying you don't like him as a person from what I am reading - I think he is a puzzle that you enjoy deciphering - but at this time he is merely not a love match. And that's okay. Maybe that is more what you are wrestling with - mirroring him, you are trying to make him "fit" into that but maybe he just doesnt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted June 17, 2011 Author Share Posted June 17, 2011 CB - it doesn't have to be confrontational. You can simply say to him in a flirty playful way "hey Bubba Joe...you know ..you remind me of Clark Kent and Superman. Its like you are one when you text and the other when you are with me." And be playful about it. Also, what about referring to something he said in text in person...asking if he still was interested in X that he mentioned in text, etc. I think I'll try the playful approach, if I see him again. I'm going have to be careful what I say though because I'm unsure about the direction of the relationship. I don't want to give him a signal that will escalate things to a physical level when I'm not feeling like we're together. I should be frank with him and ask him out right if he even wants to be together, the dancing around is frustrating for me. I'm usually direct about my feelings for a guy, if I like him, I will tell him that, but rarely do I get the same in return. LOL, Maybe they just don't like me btw, I don't think you are not saying you don't like him as a person from what I am reading - I think he is a puzzle that you enjoy deciphering - but at this time he is merely not a love match. And that's okay. Maybe that is more what you are wrestling with - mirroring him, you are trying to make him "fit" into that but maybe he just doesnt I think you're probably right. I like him, but some things can't be forced. I'm usually very good with shy guys, most of my male friends at school were shy, socially awkward engineering students. I had one guy friend that had a bad stutter, but around me he didn't stutter as much, he said with me it was easier to talk because I had patience. But now I think my patience is running out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosee Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 If he is not comfortable around you after all this time, will he ever be? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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