grandamld9 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Well its been a difficult past few weeks. My girlfriend of 8.5 years ended it about 4-5 weeks ago. I am rather devastated by her decision to call it quits. I guess a little background information is needed here. We are both 27 (interesting side note: we are exactly 11 months apart in age, her birthday is June 2nd and mine is July 2nd), we meet in high school, went to prom together, lost our virginity to one another, first loves, all that stuff. I always though she was going to be my wife someday (well I should say that, probably after about 2-3 years of being together I pictured that). We both live with our parents, I am still in college, she graduated years ago but has done nothing with her degree. I work at a local car dealership part time and go to school part time. She is currently unemployed after the clothing store she worked at part time closed in January. We both have been dragging our feet in life (it took her till the age of 25 to get a license and I have yet to even move past community college and transfer to a 4 year school to finish my degree). She feels like I should have finished up school faster and got a job to motivate her, and my contention is that she should have at least got a full time job so she could buy herself a car and we could collectively get an apartment together. Their were two reasons for the breakup. One of which was her inability to see a future with me anymore. The other one is emotional damage I caused her over time (things I would say to her or do). On the first issue, she would ask me things about our future and I would deflect the topic. For example, she would ask about my interest in kids and I would say something like "yea i want them someday", or she would ask about marriage or engagement and I would answer with similar comments. I just never showed her how truly interested I was. She said we have been together for so long and the relationship never progressed to the next level and she didn't want to be in the same position 8 more years from now so she needed to end the cycle. On the second issue, I treated her like * * * * at times. Telling her I was disgusted with her, or saying things I didn't really mean out of anger and frustration. The other part is the things I did to her, I tried breaking up with her at one point to only come to my sense and reconsider. Or the time we get into a small argument and I stormed out of the house got in my car and drove home. I really took her for granted and didn't show how I really felt for her. With these issues building, she said she had been unhappy for the past year, and within the last few months picked up the book "To good to leave, too bad to stay." Read it over the course of a month and decided to end it a little while later. Since then we have talked, but I should confess that I pressured her into the conversations we had. She asked for her space and I didnt respect that and called her numerous times. However, she has been kind enough to listen to me and try to help me heal (she still cares about me as a person, but no longer loves me). I went to her house today to get my things, and give her, her things. We talked for about an hour and I expressed that I wanted to fix things (pretty much just repeated the stuff I had already said to her, and she repeated that she just didnt want to be with me and that everything I was saying to her, she wanted to hear months ago but not now), but I also tried to just bull * * * * with her and ask her about things she was doing in her life (looking for a job, how her b-day was, stuff like that). I made her laugh a few times and smile, but she did express that she has no interest in being with me. We both agree that we had a good relationship and dont regret it. We had a strong sexual chemistry, were best friends, enjoyed spending time together. Everything was good, but we just never talked about the next step (engagement, moving in together, marriage). We never sat down and said I want this, this, and that from the relationship. I never showed her that I wanted what I want from her, and she was afraid to talk about it for fear I would blow up and turn it into an argument. At this point, I am still hurting, but feel better then I did the first week or so. I still want to be with her, and have expressed my intentions to her. To be a better person in terms of how I treat her, and explained to her that I want what she wants and how important she is to me. She told me that she felt like the breakup would have been mutual and that she didnt expect me to act this way. That I would have just said ok, fine with me. I want to give her, her space now. Allow her to do what she needs to make herself happy. Get a job, buy a car, and get some independence of her own. Hopefully she will reconsider and we can get back together at some point (few months from now). I am just worried, once she gets over the breakup herself, finds a job, and gets a car she will find someone else. I dont know what else to say, its hard to express in text what I could go on for hours with by actually speaking it.
Mustachio Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Sorry to hear you are going through this. I see a few similarities here between your situation and the situation with my ex. Mainly relating to the fact that my ex and I were together nearly 7 years, since about the same age, both dragged our feet with school, and jobs, etc. She met someone else and left, but gave me a lot of the same nonsense reasons your ex gave you. After such a long relationship, I think the best thing for you to do is to cut contact with her for a while, at least until you are objectively able to speak to her without letting your emotions get in the way. I would also bet that if you are able to examine your relationship from a logical viewpoint you will find that what you are feeling now is more sadness over the loss of the familiar, of what you know, rather than of her. I would bet based on things you said, that the two of you being together was probably stagnating both of you and was a major contributing factor to the two of you not moving forward with your lives. Beyond that, it sounds like you were mean to her at times, and I would bet you arent a mean person, but there was probably a part of you that knew things between you werent right and it came out that way. Youll get through it, itll be tough, but youll do fine, just remember though that its not the end of the world and there will be others out there that you will be more compatible with.
jonesyjakk Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 hey there, I feel your pain, my ex left me also after 8.5 years together, we got together when i was 20 and she was 19 and we also have a 20 month old together. She left for another bloke. I seriously feel what you are going through here, honestly I do, Im 7 months into th bu now and can honestly say Im on the mend, but i have been through what i can only say is the darkest time in my life. be prepared for that....you will have some serious emotions about you im sure, from my experience only.....i kept contact with my ex for 2 months, and it did me no good at all....it seriously hurt me. so from my experience i would suggest cutting all ties with her as quick as you can, start focusing on what you can do to improve yourself and your life over the next 6-12 months. One of the most important things is to understand why you split, not to overanalyse anything and remember you now have to work on bettering yourself over time. I wish you well, there are many people here who are standing right beside you. jonesy
hausser Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 On the first issue, she would ask me things about our future and I would deflect the topic. For example, she would ask about my interest in kids and I would say something like "yea i want them someday", or she would ask about marriage or engagement and I would answer with similar comments. I just never showed her how truly interested I was. She said we have been together for so long and the relationship never progressed to the next level and she didn't want to be in the same position 8 more years from now so she needed to end the cycle. Boy did that bring back memories. Mine was a lot younger than yours (21) but EXTREMELY broody and hinted at wanting to get marries and have kids constantly. In the end she didnt even hint she plain asked and like you I evaded the subject. I do think this too was a factor in our breakup also.
grandamld9 Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 She gave me a lot of the same nonsense reasons your ex gave you. I dont think her reasoning is nonsensical. She has every right to feel the way she does. I completely agree with her, but unlike her I want to use the information learned and build a stronger relationship together. At this point I just have to wait for her to change her mind about wanting to be with me, that is if she ever does. I would also bet that if you are able to examine your relationship from a logical viewpoint you will find that what you are feeling now is more sadness over the loss of the familiar, of what you know, rather than of her. I agree, the familiarity of being with her is the toughest part, but I know that my feelings for her a rooted deeper then just her familiar face. Anyways, its my goal now to work on myself and improve myself as much as I can. If there comes a time when we can be together again, then great, but I am not going to allow myself to sit on the sidelines waiting for her.
grandamld9 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 Well I haven't spoken to her since I posted this. My birthday was yesterday, and I got 2 cards in the mail. One from her and one from her parents. I called her and left her a message to say thank you for the card and for her to thank her parents for me as well. At this point I still want to be with her and miss her greatly. But I know that if she ever wants to be with me again, it will be on her terms only. I am looking forward to calling her in a week to speak with her if shes open to it. I am interested how she is doing, and how things are going for her. So I hope she will be willing to talk.
dramallama Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 How is calling her in a week giving her space, though? I really don't think one phone call is going to make a difference. All you can do is let her know that you are open to working on the relationship and then asking for space from one another - complete space - so that you can move on. I think her reasons were valid. After 8.5 years did you have any desire to get engaged any time soon?
grandamld9 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 How is calling her in a week giving her space, though? I really don't think one phone call is going to make a difference. All you can do is let her know that you are open to working on the relationship and then asking for space from one another - complete space - so that you can move on. I havent spoken with her since June 13th when we exchanged our things. When we last talked, I expressed to her that I had a bunch of unanswered questions and she agreed to try to answer them at some point. I was hoping after I gave her some time to cool off we could talk a little bit about them. But I really just want to make sure shes doing ok. I know I have betrayed her trust and she cant confide things to me anymore, but I would like to change that and offer that like I should have all along, instead of turning her away. I think her reasons were valid. So do I, and I expressed to her that I am willing to work to change those things. If I was in her position I would have done the same thing. After 8.5 years did you have any desire to get engaged any time soon? Yes, my goal was to get engaged in the fall on our anniversary. I figured that way, it would make the day even more special.
Ms Darcy Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I am sorry and I know you are hurting but this does not sound like a good relationship to me. No degree, breaking up with her, telling you are disgusted with her, taking her for granted, not seeming interested in the future when she tried to talk etc etc. I think you both need to grow and in eight years you unfortunately didn't grow together.
grandamld9 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 I am sorry and I know you are hurting but this does not sound like a good relationship to me. No degree, breaking up with her, telling you are disgusted with her, taking her for granted, not seeming interested in the future when she tried to talk etc etc. I think you both need to grow and in eight years you unfortunately didn't grow together. Yea, I really screwed up. However, I have hope that we can still grow together. Obviously she has to agree with me. But this whole process has been a huge learning experience for me. I am not going to say that I didnt know that saying mean things were wrong, but I never knew how greatly those words effected her. As for the talking about future plans, I didnt think it was important at the time. I felt like she should have been talking about where she was going to get a full time job and how to get a car, instead of talking about marriage and children. But again, if I knew it was this important to her to talk about it I would have. I think that is what made me feel disgusted (her wanting to talk about future-future plans, but not focus on the immediate future) and talked about breaking up with her (we never broke up, I just expressed that I was unhappy at the time and wanted to. But after we talked I no longer wanted to. But I guess that doesnt really matter). I think that we were right together, but being so inexperienced in relationships is what caused the problems. That's why I want to fix things. We never had any type of conversation regarding relationship troubles. I cried hysterically the day we broke up and she repeated some of the things I said and how it made her feel. I knew I said those things, but couldnt believe it at the same time. So I guess I just have to wait and allow her to figure things out on her own for now.
sada88 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 No offense but my ex said some of the similar things that you said to her. ...trust me, even if he came crawling back, I couldn't and wouldn't be able to take him back because the damage is too great. So I sort of doubt your girlfriend would be coming back either. Hearing the words, "you disgust me" or treating her horribly even when you are angry...takes its toll after awhile especially with being taken for granted. I doubt you telling her you want to break up (especially if it is awhile ago) will affect her that much especially if she forgave you (and yes, i have experienced this to know that I forgave my ex for it). Good luck with your healing. I am sorry that it took a real break up for you to see it though.
Ms Darcy Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 No offense but my ex said some of the similar things that you said to her. ...trust me, even if he came crawling back, I couldn't and wouldn't be able to take him back because the damage is too great. So I sort of doubt your girlfriend would be coming back either. Hearing the words, "you disgust me" or treating her horribly even when you are angry...takes its toll after awhile especially with being taken for granted. I doubt you telling her you want to break up (especially if it is awhile ago) will affect her that much especially if she forgave you (and yes, i have experienced this to know that I forgave my ex for it). Good luck with your healing. I am sorry that it took a real break up for you to see it though. Agreed. Sometimes there is too much water under the bridge.
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