Why cant i leave?

[purpleroni]

I've been married to my husband for 9 months and been together for 3years. 6 months into the relationship i found out he wasnt who he said he was. He lied about his immigration status. I confronted him and he gave me a reasonable explanation. he cried and felt very guilty about having to lie to me for 6 months. I forgave him and we moved on. Soon after that our perfect relationship started taking a downfall. He once beat me up so bad, i had blood on my face and my lips were cut. He often cheats via phone, emails and flirts in person. He has admitted to cheating on me 3 times but the one that hurts the most was when i was in hospital having our baby. he promised he was going to be there but instead he was with another woman. he now lives in africa and refuses to join me in the uk no matter how much i beg, threaten and pray. I am a single mother at 25years old. i really didnt want a child but he so desperately wanted one and now that shes ere im by myself, crying myself to sleep. he never calls and when i call, he shouts at me.

 

You probably think im stupid for still staying and writing this. he can be very convincing and always promise me he has changed and things wil get better. I have left in the past but everytime i see him, all the good emotions just comes back. He was honestly the man that every woman would love to be with: caring, loving, thoghtful, romantic but now he's turned into a monster. he drinks alot, womanizes, doesnt give me money regularly to look after our daughter but he claims to still love me.

 

If i use my head, i shud count my losses and run but i dont know why i stay up every night, thinking and crying for him. i really dont wanna get divorced at 25. i just wish things would go back to how they were.

[Stay_home]

i just wish things would go back to how they were.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but I don't see that happening.

[sada88]

I think you should leave....when you are an abusive relationship, the highs are really high and the lows are really low. It is a cycle that comes up. I know it will be hard for you to leave but right now that is the only option you have. It might spark a real change in him if he "loves" you

[misssmithviii]

I understand where you're coming from, truly. Many here already know my story, and it mirrors the feelings you have now.

And after the fact, now that I've moved on with a much better man, a consistent man who loves me and cares for me, who shows it to me every day and

towards my daughter who he identifies as his "own"... I can say the dominant feeling I had that kept me staying with such a monster was the empty hope

that I could have the life I thought I started. I didn't want to feel like I 'broke' the family, or that I was the final cause to being a truly single mother... I

held onto those beautiful moments that we did share, and I tried like Hell to bring that side of him out again - I thought if only I was good enough, if only I did something or looked a certain way or kept trying and proving my love - he'd see the "light" and treat me that way again.

 

I felt like if I left, I was choosing to be alone... and being alone was scary. I felt like if I stayed, at least I wasn't the one giving up and no matter what - I couldn't give up for the sake of the family. But it was only once I picked up my dignity off the floor and stood up for what was right... I realized I couldn't stay with an abusive man... God forbid he ever hurt our child - regardless of what he says or what he proclaims, fact of the matter was he said he'd never hurt me too and he did... so what's to stop him? I had to do what was right for my daughter and myself.

 

The only one that can help your husband is himself (and some jail time IMO)... your family is broken already - and there's only two choices. Do what's

RIGHT. Stand up for yourself and don't let yourself be victimized. Withstand self-pity and regain your self-esteem. You mothered a child! You ushered in LIFE. Now you must protect that life. Your husband needs to be your ex-husband, because the more you drag him back into your life, the worse it is for you - and if you can't be mentally sane, your child will reap the pain. Imagine what you're teaching your child by reaching out to a man like that? When will it stop?

 

Now. You need to stop NOW.

 

I wish you the best, and I can promise you from the bottom of my heart - when you are rid of him, you will be the strongest woman you've ever been.

Only then can you truly be a good, fulfilling mother, and your child will grow far from that evil - and it will be the best decision you've made in a long

time honey. I promise you.

[purpleroni]

Thank you for your responses, I've always proud myself on being a strong woman who would not take * * * * from men. im actually very disappointed in myself and more angry that i cannot stop the feeling i have for him. I knw leaving is the right thing to do but i dont want my daughter to grow up without her father (not that that makes a difference now cos he aint ere) but i just feel like i have failed her. y didnt i chose a better man to b her father.

[purpleroni]

Thank you so much missmithvill.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, I think you should cut your losses and move on. You are only 25. You are young. You will cope up. There is so much life ahead of you. Think about that.

[misssmithviii]

Thank you for your responses, I've always proud myself on being a strong woman who would not take * * * * from men. im actually very disappointed in myself and more angry that i cannot stop the feeling i have for him. I knw leaving is the right thing to do but i dont want my daughter to grow up without her father (not that that makes a difference now cos he aint ere) but i just feel like i have failed her. y didnt i chose a better man to b her father.

 

You CAN stop the feeling - just look at how he's treated you. A man that has even the capability to do that sort of thing to you, doesn't deserve your love... he deserves your apathy.

Your daughter growing up without a father is better off than growing up with a man like that - I hope that's blatantly clear to you.

 

There was a period of time when my infant daughter had no father in her life. But what is the other option? Having him in my life, abusing me emotionally and physically and hindering me from being a truly good mother? Yeah, right... that's NOT an option. That's the WRONG thing to do. And if you continue on that path you are accepting all that entails.

 

Ask anyone here - you CANNOT be the best mother you can be with an abusive man as your partner. His presence will tear you down, it will suck the energy out of you like it already has. You need to think about what's best for your daughter and yourself. She needs a mother with her head on straight, she needs a mother who can protect her and lead a life worth modeling after. She will learn from who you are, what you do and how you live your life.

 

You chose the man who you thought was worthy and he proved unworthy afterwards... he's got you in the classic hold that abusive men put onto their women emotionally. You feel a sort of loyalty to your abuser...

See a professional... it will help you understand more about what I'm talking about and the whole twisted psychology behind what has happened.

 

You will fail your daughter if you continue on this way.

You have the strength to do it - I know you do hon... pull that strength out of you and remember who you are. You're

not that woman who gets treated this way. You don't take this sort of, you know, from anybody. And especially now, you must be strong for your daughter.

 

I know it's hard. But it feels so wonderful when it's over. Take it from me, 2.5 years without HIM... without that man that bloodied my face and ripped the skin on my arm, put me down and kept me locked in my own weakness... who bedded multiple women. I'm with the most amazing man... my daughter knows him as "daddy" and he isn't capable of abusing me. I'm in the best love, the kind where we can spend every minute together...

 

I promise you, only good awaits you at the end of this experience if you choose what's right.

[Lester]

Hi PurpleRoni,

You said... "He once beat me up so bad, i had blood on my face and my lips were cut. He often cheats via phone, emails and flirts in person. He has admitted to cheating on me 3 times but the one"

 

My God…What a nightmare!

 

You ask “why can’t I leave”

You can't leave because of sickness in your head. The only cure is to leave which will allow you’re self-esteem to return.

 

Please push back... call the police. Start building a new life.

 

Up is the only direction you can go now. I’ll say a pray for you.

[tankgirl]

I feel for you, PurpleRoni. I used to volunteer in a shelter for battered women. The one thing they all had in common is that the person who abused them first was wonderful to them - sold themselves to the women as if they were loving, caring men. Then they managed to break down their self-esteem enough that the women would forgive them - some even thought it was their fault.

 

The man you love - the one who you fell for in the beginning - has either changed for some reason or is a serious abuser who knows how to change from good to bbad. Perhaps he is bipolar, has mental issues.

 

THink about this.... you say you can't help wishing that the man you loved so much was back. What if he was? It would likely still be temporary. Would you really want to take that chance? And remember that even if you can take the beatings yourself, even if your self-esteem is so low that you will accept that, remember that many wife-abusers will later abuse the children. Is that something you are willing to allow? You won't be able to stop it. The longer you let it go on, the worse it will get.

 

You will get over him. You're young and the potential for a second chance at love is high.

 

As for your child, you said you didn't even want a baby. I am assuming that now that you have the baby, you want the baby, but if you feel burdened, there is always the option of adoption.

 

Please love yourself enough to leave. He won't change. Men (or women for that matter) who cheat the way he has will always cheat. You cannot find happiness with him. You know this, but between the post-partum and the serious blow you've suffered, it is completely understandable that you feel the way you do. That being said, don't give into it. THe best possible outcome is for him to be out of your life and your baby's life. For good.

[purpleroni]

Thank u all very much. @ tank girl, my daughter is the most important person in my world and i love her more than anything. everyday i look at her, i get stronger and realize we don't need him. He hasn't been around and we r doing fine. I am getting stronger but its slow.

[Sweetkisses22]

Forget about her notbhaving a father for right now. She's too young first of all and also wouldn't you rather her have no father than a violent one who may beat her up one day?? Move on from this jerk and find a man who will love you and your kid. That's the type of man that can be her father. Not this idiot.

[RoboDuck]

He beat you? Get the * * * * er thrown in jail or deported!

[Rah25]

Hey,

Leave....and dont' look back. You can't do it until you're ready to. But if someone treats you like that once, and you take them back you're setting your relationship up for failure. Because he knows he can continue to make you feel worthless, crush your self esteem...and you'll take him back.

 

You're better than that. You know you are...you can do it. Just get up and walk out. No one deserves to be disrespected. I'm sorry to hear your story. I wish I was there to help.

 

Cheers.

[purpleroni]

i wish i found this group before i got myself involved with him. but i cant leave and regret just gotta make da most out of my situation. he's told me if i dont come bk by our 1st anniversary it means i've got a new man. he's so laughable.

 

His family wants 2 b actively involved which makes things harder but i dont wanna deny them or deny my daughter from having a relationship with them. i come from a broken home and didnt hv a relationship with my paternal family. guess da reason i stayed is i didnt want her 2 hv da same childhood as me. my mum was ok, my step father was a stranger, so i've neva reli knwn true love from a man and always try my best to make it work.

 

i've now realized i try too much. from now on its "love me and my child truly and completely or let us go"

 

she is da most important person in my life, she keeps me going.

 

 

i just wanna thank everybody that has replied my post for your support and encouragement. God bless u all. O