Planning on disowning my "grandmother"

[ALM]

I'm just sick of my grandmother constantly insulting and criticizing me and my life.

 

A bit about me. (Will help show why I'm so irritated

I've been working in a major retail store for seven months, it is a part time job and (even in slow seasons) I make at least 30 hours per week at $9.00 per hour. I worked in minimum wage ($7.25) jobs with only 10-15 hours per week before this job. I applied at my store for a cashier position and got a call within a few days and got ALL THREE interviews within a period of 32 hours; which my store manager stated was the first time someone got all three in a period of less than three days. Not only that, but each manager that interviewed me plainly stated that I am "definitely management material" in the interviews when I mentioned I have aspirations to further my career and climb the ladder. I asked for $8.25 and I've already got a promotion into a front-end supervisory position which came with a raise (I got two, one was $0.25 before promotion and the promotion came with a $0.50 raise).

 

I am not in college, my grant was revoked because I failed a computer class due to a virus erasing all data on my computer the night before a major project was due (which was graded as a "pass or fail" type of project). The teacher refused to accept it as anything but an excuse despite the virus also going into my USB which had a backup of all my work.

 

I live with my mother because she cannot afford her house or to move due to the IRS pegging her with several thousand dollars worth of fines. I took money out of my own account and gave it to her, not lent it, GAVE it to her. She works three minimum wage jobs as well and also still can barely support herself. So I stay and help her with everything I can while still paying my bills. Giving my mother that money, by the way, nearly put me into a massive amount of debt had I not kept an extremely close eye and tight fist around my money for a while. I would have had I not been lucky with several investements, which I am now studying to help myself make more money.

 

The problem with my grandmother

1- I don't have friends who are all white. She constantly insults me and my friends because they're black, asian, or latino. Hell, she got along with Jeremy until she found out that he wasn't white but was just a cuban man with a very light skin tone.

 

2- I'm a lazy bum because I live with my mother and "only have one part time job while your mother has three". Today I mentioned that I work hard for everything I get and she immedietely begins telling me I do not work, let alone work hard, because my mother has three jobs and I'm "nothing but a lazy child who sits on their ass and plays games all day".

 

3- When I try to correct her or (politely) defend myself or explain that sometimes her words actually hurts me, she acts like she is the victim. I reminded her of my mother's IRS problems and how I am the one who gave her the money to pay them off and that I do my fair share of house work, that me liking video games more than cooking myself at the beach does not mean I do not have and perform my responsibilities.

 

4- When I told her of me paying the vast majority, if not all, of the IRS funds, what does she say? "You should have given her more because you owe her A LOT more than that! *under her breath* Ungrateful bastard just like his father.". I almost punched her in the mouth for that, I really had to hold back.

 

5- Any time she hears about my promotion or how I am aspiring for management, she has to go straight into my face and tell me "You're not fit or competent for management" and go on and on about how she doesn't know anyone who got into management in 6 months despite me saying it was a supervisory position, NOT management. She knows very well that I take a lot of pride in my job and work to try to perfect everything I do.

 

I'm fed up with her. My mother has always been a shinning jewel in her eyes yet refuses to believe my mother. My mother tries to defend me and she just calls her naive and that I'm ungrateful and selfish. Then my mother tells me I shouldn't let it bother me because all of her brothers gets the same crap from her, too. I'm surprised this b**** can't figure out why the ONLY person in the family who even tries to visit her is my mother, and that is only because she plays the guilt game and always has a room open for her "little jewel". The only reason I visit is because my mother would have to deal with her mother's rants about me a lot more often if I weren't there because she knows I say something and confront her about it every time she crosses the line.

[Danny77]

Your grandmother is an old person.

Old people can be tough to handle.

I don't believe there is any reason to disown her.

Take a break from eachother.

Disowning a member of your family is or will be the biggest regret of your life.

She may be an annoying old bag but she is still a person and is part of your bloodline.

You know that you don't get to choose your family so you have to respect them no matter how s**t they are.

 

Take a break from her.

Dont speak to her.

Dont see her.

But dont disown her.

[Oneironaut]

She constantly insults me and my friends because they're black, asian, or latino.

 

she immedietely begins telling me I do not work, let alone work hard, because my mother has three jobs and I'm "nothing but a lazy child who sits on their ass and plays games all day".

 

When I try to correct her or (politely) defend myself or explain that sometimes her words actually hurts me, she acts like she is the victim.

 

*under her breath* Ungrateful bastard just like his father."

 

Any time she hears about my promotion or how I am aspiring for management, she has to go straight into my face and tell me "You're not fit or competent for management"

 

So...she's racist, she's insulting, she compares you to your father in an uncomplimentary way, and she tells you that you're not fit or competent to do your job.

 

With all due respect to Danny77, this goes far beyond being an "annoying old person". She is actively undermining your confidence in yourself by telling you to your face that you are unfit to do your job. Why on earth anyone would insist that you keep such a person in your life JUST because they are family is truly beyond me.

 

This is emotional abuse, plain and simple. Google it sometime. She is not helping you, as REAL family should...she is hindering you, and slowly erroding your self-confidence. You don't deserve to be treated like this, by anyone. Get away from her, as soon as possible.

[erase this face]

What Oneironaut said. She's toxic - be done with her. Blood relatives do not get a free pass when they emit such behavior.

[ALM]

I'm happy that tomorrow will be the last day I have to stay here, Wednesday I get on a plane at noon.

I am very honest about who I am; I know that I sometimes have a big ego, but I don't knock on anyone who puts me in my place so long as they aren't overly hostile about it. I don't put myself above others and ensure to treat everyone as I would treat anyone else based on how they treated me. I've had a manager who got me bugged in a conversation to the point of admitting I didn't like him the least bit, but I still made sure to tell him I respect him because he knows what he is doing and is ultimately fair. I just didn't like his arrogance sometimes.

 

My grandmother sends $20 checks every birthday and xmas. I've never cashed them. Thinking maybe I should cash them, tell her not to bother sending me any more checks and that I do not want her money (because of the way she treats me, I do not appreciate what I consider a bribe), and (if she does send me any) cash the ones she sends. She already knows I do not like her at all, so part of me says that it is her stupidity to think $20 matters more than real actions so I should take the money. While the other part is saying no because of greed. While every part of me believes that idiotic adults who (example) stick a paper clip into an electrical socket deserve to get shocked.

 

@Danny I believe that no one, family included, automatically deserves respect. I give full respect to everyone until they start disrespecting me and she has been disrespecting me for over a decade; I already don't speak to her and avoid her but she goes to me and goes after me sometimes without provocation. There is literally no part she plays in my life, the only contact I get is her berating me despite facts. When she isn't berating me, she is ignoring me. If all a person does is berate and insult me and my life while having literally nothing else to do with me, I do not see why I would possibly regret no longer considering that person a family member and nothing more than a stranger. Which, in reality, she is a stranger because I rarely ever see her but once every couple years for a week. During the week I get berated and then ignored, I could be using my time how I usually do: work my store and do volunteer work that I got my store to fund (thus making me better able to do said volunteer work).

 

What you say would apply to my relationship with my uncle. Everything he does embarrasses me and everyone around him, but I associate myself with him still because he is family and it is a trivial thing to ditch a person based on because he is actually a great guy. My grandmother is just a toxin in my life, not family.

[RedDress]

Your grandmother is an old person.

Old people can be tough to handle.

I don't believe there is any reason to disown her.

Take a break from eachother.

Disowning a member of your family is or will be the biggest regret of your life.

She may be an annoying old bag but she is still a person and is part of your bloodline.

You know that you don't get to choose your family so you have to respect them no matter how s**t they are.

 

Take a break from her.

Dont speak to her.

Dont see her.

But dont disown her.

 

+1 for Danny's response.

 

OP - I know you don't like her... and you are going to do what you are going to do anyways. But in my books, family is family. Even the crotchety, nasty ones.

 

In a few short years, your grandmother will pass. It's inevitable. It's the circle of life. So... while she may say terrible things, I'd simply ignore them. KNOW that she's like this and don't pay her any mind. But to disown someone? It's far more drama than I'd ever be willing to put up with. I know you think you are reducing the drama by disowning her... but that's simply not the case. You said yourself that you only see her for a week every few years... To be on "ok" terms with her is valuable. Not only does it give you a link to your heritage (as terrible as it may be)... but also think of weddings, babies, funerals... your grandmother will likely be at each of these events. The act of disowning is going to be SO much more grief than simply ignoring...

 

I wouldn't do it... I simply wouldn't pay her any mind....

[catfeeder]

As annoying as a grandparent might be, they all do one thing eventually that's really annoying--they die. Once they do that you're not burdened to suffer a single thing they've ever said and done, you're only left to deal with your own behavior, which you can no longer repair.

 

If you always behave in ways that you'll never regret in the future, you're home free. If you respond to someone in ways that you might someday regret, then THAT is what you'll be left with.

 

So? Your choice is very private. Behave in ways that YOU can live with down the road, and that's all you need to know.

[abitbroken]

I would stop trying to argue with her and set boundaries. At family gatherings, there are plenty of other people to talk to. Just act pleasant but not over the top. And other family members may occupy her. When you see her, make it a controlled situation. Meeting her and your mom at a restaurant for an hour or two or to a timed event and when you are done you are done. Sometimes you might just have to let some of her comments fly over your head and change the subject or say "sorry you feel that way" or have the attitude that "oh, that's just gram". And don't bring your friends to hang around her. Also, stop telling her how wonderful it was that you paid your mother money. Deeds like that are not about bragging and to some may come off as you trying to convince them how wonderful you are. If she says you are lazy because you cook on the beach, just say "sorry you feel that way" or "you should try it some time."

[ALM]

I know you don't like her... and you are going to do what you are going to do anyways. But in my books, family is family. Even the crotchety, nasty ones.

Being a family member does not give one a free pass to wantonly insult and disregard another person's feelings.

 

In a few short years, your grandmother will pass. It's inevitable. It's the circle of life. So... while she may say terrible things, I'd simply ignore them. KNOW that she's like this and don't pay her any mind. But to disown someone? It's far more drama than I'd ever be willing to put up with. I know you think you are reducing the drama by disowning her... but that's simply not the case. You said yourself that you only see her for a week every few years... To be on "ok" terms with her is valuable. Not only does it give you a link to your heritage (as terrible as it may be)... but also think of weddings, babies, funerals... your grandmother will likely be at each of these events. The act of disowning is going to be SO much more grief than simply ignoring...

There will be no weddings because everyone except me is either married or completely seperated from my family. I won't be there for any births due to them being 3,000 miles away. Funerals, I only go to if I know the person on a personal level. One of my uncles died a few years back, I didn't go because literally the only thing I knew about him was he was my uncle. Unless I need to grieve, I don't go. Most of my family is extremely distant from each other, and I would rather my "grandmother" be at an even further distance than that.

 

I would prefer she learn that she can't simply be a b**** to everyone and expect everyone to ignore it and shrug it off like everyone else does. She is elderly yet she does not know that even words have consequences. Besides, even at family events, she is ignored for the most part because no one likes her mouth. I can tell that by the fact they only talk to her when she goes to them, otherwise she is ignored and she just sit

 

As annoying as a grandparent might be, they all do one thing eventually that's really annoying--they die. Once they do that you're not burdened to suffer a single thing they've ever said and done, you're only left to deal with your own behavior, which you can no longer repair.

 

If you always behave in ways that you'll never regret in the future, you're home free. If you respond to someone in ways that you might someday regret, then THAT is what you'll be left with.

 

So? Your choice is very private. Behave in ways that YOU can live with down the road, and that's all you need to know.

 

I have no emotional ties to her. Her dying will never bother me. She has never been anything more than a stranger within my own blood-line who happens to pass judgement on everything she does not know about, thinking she knows everything while she fumbles about in her ignorance and arrogance. I know for a fact that I will not regret disowning someone who is merely a stranger.

 

I would stop trying to argue with her and set boundaries. At family gatherings, there are plenty of other people to talk to. Just act pleasant but not over the top. And other family members may occupy her. When you see her, make it a controlled situation. Meeting her and your mom at a restaurant for an hour or two or to a timed event and when you are done you are done.

Already tried this. Just made the whole "Selfish, ungrateful, disrespectful, bratty little bastard" comments worse and the overly hostile rants even worse than that. She is arrogant and ignorant and, while education can cure that, she is too narcissistic and egotistical to even consider that there is a reason people don't bother being around her.

 

Sometimes you might just have to let some of her comments fly over your head and change the subject or say "sorry you feel that way" or have the attitude that "oh, that's just gram".

Everybody does this, thus making her believe she can say what she wills with no fear of any possible consequences.

 

And don't bring your friends to hang around her.

I don't. She still goes on about them, but refuses to say anything to their faces.

 

Also, stop telling her how wonderful it was that you paid your mother money. Deeds like that are not about bragging and to some may come off as you trying to convince them how wonderful you are. If she says you are lazy because you cook on the beach, just say "sorry you feel that way" or "you should try it some time."

I only told her once about paying off the IRS and that was only because I got fed up with her calling me ungrateful, selfish, and that I didn't care about my mother. She says I'm lazy because I play video games and then says I should "go lay out onto the beach, you lazy bastard". "You should try it sometime" will only enrage her because she doesn't like it and thus it is worthless and beneath her. And I refuse to simply say "sorry you feel that way" or ignore what she says as "Shes grandma" like I used to do and everyone else does. It does not work. Diplomacy does not work with people like her.

[abitbroken]

Well...as far as people letting it fly over their head. If she doesn't get a reaction she is less likely to press. Also, the difference between you and them is that they may truly not take her comments to heart. In their head, they say "whatever" where you are taking the comments deeply personally. if you can limit your time with her to when there are family gatherings or there is a buffer and make it a point to work on not letting things be taken to heart, it will save you a lot of stress.