Is it ever about them more than it is about you?

[LN1987]

Another question...

 

So I have been thinking (a lot) about the way we ended, his behaviour up until the end, the fights, his distance. My ex was a really fun happy guy when we met, but after about a month, he moved back into his parents place, stopped seeing his friends as much, and got very stuck into uni (like obsessively). From about June/July 2010 I noticed he was cold and distant with me, never really got excited about anything, it really bugged me and got me down, I loved him, and he seemed so unhappy with himself. I noticed he always came otu with me and my friends, but never made plans to see his own or involve me with them. On his birthday this year in February he even said he couldn't have a party as no-one would come.

 

Now I realised all of this, but I just wanted him to be happy, he never said to me "hun this week I need to make plans with my friends." He just never bothered. When he ended it he told me he was unhappy, and why would I want to be with someone who was unhappy. (we were fighting a lot too because he lost all affection for me and I felt he didn't love me)

 

I saw him the other day and he seems much happier, his social life is better than ever, he has reformed many friendships, but he still blames me for the BU. I want him to be happy but feel it is a little unfair that he admitted he was unhappy, but couldn't work out his social life whilst in a relationship with me. I agree you cant love someone if you yourself are unhappy, but why did I need to be the link that had to be broken?

[MissyMolly]

oh yes, definitely. Especially from you said, that he felt he wasn't sharing the same feelings as you are, it is definitely about him. I find this to be the be the case in most situations where we are "left" - we aren't really doing anything to precipitate the breakup (like you know, cheating, stealing or killing someone - hahha) - it usually is some "baggage" that crops up for the dumper. I have had many a man say to me "It's not you - it's ME". And I believe them. And it's pretty frustrating since you have not changed at all, but something inside of them has. Sorry you are going through this.....

[LN1987]

Thanks MissMolly. I guess it is just hard as yes we fought, but mostly because he seemed so unhappy with not having a good social life outside of me, whereas I maintained all my friends as well as him. Now that he is single, of course his social life is back on track, but he still seems to not want me back, or any relationship for that matter. It seems unfair on me, as I want him to be happy, but I do not understand why he cant manage me as well as his social life. He really sees me (or the relationship) as the creator of his unhappiness...

 

Will this change, or will he always think this? He has just turned 22 also... maybe it is an age thing?

[endy]

Same thing with my ex LN. Them being unhappy causes conflict in the relationship. That's why two people need to be in the same mental state... a healthy one to be in a thriving relationship. Either that or they get lucky and really work through depression in the relationship which is uncommon in my experiences. That's pretty damn hard to do. See you are noticing things the wrong way. He is NOT happy, and it wasn't you that made the relationship not work. You want to know what my ex said when she was breaking up with me?

 

You tried everything to make me happy, and I just couldn't be happy. They DO think it's you but it's purely ignorance. You could have gave this person the world. If they are not happy with themselves, if they have no self worth or depression. NOTHING is going to make them happy. Not until they figure out what's going on inside of them. Please do not blame yourself.

 

Also this is the reason I would not get back with my ex, let alone her behavior at the end of the relationship. She would have to change so much for herself that I can't wait for that. I just can't let myself do it anymore. I'm not better than her, but I deserve to be loved the right way, because I am capable of loving myself and someone else very deeply. So start thinking about what would happen if he did come back. Would you want someone that is that depressed to be with again? Would it be the right thing for you in terms of your own life? Examine yourself a little bit. Make sure of your self worth and where you were before. Do you think you deserve someone better than that? Someone that is right mentally? I can tell you what, I was bringing myself down a few notches. Not that the women weren't attractive. Nothing to do with that. They all had issues, and I was attracted to them, and they were attracted to me. Make sure this isn't a pattern. If it is YOU likely have an issue as well with your self. Maybe not enough self confidence or faith in yourself.

 

You can't help them through it, we can't change others. You know that by now. You know they have to notice it for themselves. The only way you can help is if they ask for advice. At this point I'm not even sure I would bother responding to any communication with my ex whatsoever. It's not that I haven't forgiven her, but is it even worth my time to invest into talking to her again. I deserve better than the way I was treated. If she came back today. I would get the same damn thing all over again. I almost know for a fact. So would you most likely.

 

Really try to start examining yourself, and what you can work on. It's good that you are starting to look a little deeper though. But start looking into yourself too. A relationship ending is never one person's fault LN. There's tons of psychological reasons and emotional reasons people leave. What really matters is they chose to leave. They chose to leave the love you were giving them for some reason or another. Maybe it was just personal incompatibility. Maybe it's a lot deeper than that. In your case I think it's probably a lot deeper than that.

[LN1987]

Thanks Endy. Oh don't get me wrong, I had my fair share of outbursts and emotional issues also, but I was pretty happy with other aspects of my life. The thing is Endy, he tells me he is happy now, he sees his friends, is relaxed with uni, he seems to be a much better person, the person he once was that I missed terribly. I am a bit stuck as I feel like he is who I fell in love with once more, but he sees me as the weak link, he thinks I caused him to be unhappy, which I do not agree with as he never told me he wanted to see his friends, or do other things, he just went along with it, even if he didn't want to. How could I have helped him if he never articulated what he was feeling or what he wanted?..

[endy]

That's exactly it, you can't help them. They need to help themselves. I'm a lot happier being single and I was dumped, well forced dump by me anyways. You feel like he is who you fell in love with because you are going through withdrawal from him. Seriously it happens when you break up. You are looking to rationalize why it happened hun. It's normal and you'll get clarity in time.

 

Maybe it's just that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore at this time in his life. I don't think it's ever your fault. I'm sure he could have went and seen his friends when he wanted in the relationship. It's healthy to do that. When you get older, you kinda just go with the flow more. The relationships become more interdependent. You have your own life still, but you know the other person is there. Hun, your looking for answers and that's ok. But don't kill yourself over it. Get that book i suggested. You're about to get to a turning point.

 

You know what happened to me a few weeks ago. I got stuck, I went on vacation and I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was by far the hardest hurdle I had in awhile. She was supposed to be there. I kept imagining the sex we would be having etc. You know what happened? I woke up one morning and I said f this. I'm strong enough to not think about it anymore like this. I don't need someone else, and I don't need her. I started getting tough with myself and getting my strength internally back inside of me. That's what you will do at one point too.

 

Really those answers don't matter in the end. Simply because he made a decision. He thought it was right for him, and in time that could change. However, you need to move on for yourself. You need to become strong again. I know you know that. It just takes time hun. You'll get the answers eventually. Just don't get so stuck on them you can't function. Read that healing book I suggested. It will help a ton.

[LN1987]

Hey Endy which book. And thanks, your answers make sense. I guess he just hated the intensity of it all, and now that I look back, god so did I. He feels like the dynamic would never change, but I think he is avoiding his own part in all of it. Do some guys really just not want a relationship? You're 28, would you have thought differently at 22... I seemed to be more settled (or so I thought) in terms of managing uni, work, him, family, friends. He used to say he had made sacrifices (ie friends) due to uni but now he seems to blame me. It just seems unfair as I know he could have balanced it but he refuses to see it that way

[catfeeder]

When I was in relationships that weren't right for me I grew depressed but didn't know why. I shut down, closed myself off, and my unhappiness wasn't the 'fault' of any of these perfectly good people--but I still felt trapped by them. When I finally got the courage to break up it was the push I needed to reach for my Self again. So when I look back, it doesn't matter whether I ever blamed my partner or not--it only matters that I got out of a relationship that made me feel suffocated and brought out the worst in me. It's of zero consequence to any ex whether I attributed my new-found happiness to my new reach for my Self or my freedom from them. We weren't good together, no matter how I choose to slice it.

[LN1987]

Hey Ctafeeder, your post makes sense. Do you think you ever could have been good together, or are you of the belief that it just couldn't be?

[catfeeder]

Hey Ctafeeder, your post makes sense. Do you think you ever could have been good together, or are you of the belief that it just couldn't be?

 

I tried rekindling one of these relationships years later, but we both regressed into the people we were before, and the love wasn't enough to change that. It was more devastating the second time around because I honestly believed I had grown into someone who could handle 'us' better. Knowing our mistakes didn't help us change them--our chemistry together was too emotionally explosive. That only made it harder to avoid responding to him in the same ways I did before. I 'needed' certain things about him to be different, and those things would never be different, no matter how much he promised and tried. Same was true of my inability to change who I was with him.

 

I'll always love him, but some people are best loved from far away.

[endy]

I tried rekindling one of these relationships years later, but we both regressed into the people we were before, and the love wasn't enough to change that. It was more devastating the second time around because I honestly believed I had grown into someone who could handle 'us' better. Knowing our mistakes didn't help us change them--our chemistry together was too emotionally explosive. That only made it harder to avoid responding to him in the same ways I did before. I 'needed' certain things about him to be different, and those things would never be different, no matter how much he promised and tried. Same was true of my inability to change who I was with him.

 

I'll always love him, but some people are best loved from far away.

 

LN no relationship lasts forever, that's why we need to be strong and love ourselves. Every single relationship you will ever have has a birth, a life, and an end. It ends by a partner leaving or by death. Some people just don't mesh well. To answer the questions above when I was 22 I did not want a relationship. If I would have met a person I was very interested in sure, but I was concentrating on school. I was just having a good time with my friends, and girls I would party with. I am ready to settle down now, but I don't ever actively look for a relationship. I'm just not that type of person.

 

In time LN you're going to find that you just don't really need that person to be happy anymore. You're going to become way more independent and stronger for yourself. You are just going through a phase and trust the older people here. It WILL pass and you will love someone else again. It sounds impossible right now, but it did to all of us at one point too.

 

The book is the journey from abandonment to healing. It's good for anyone going through a break up.

[LN1987]

Thanks Endy, I am almost 24 so not that much younger

 

He has just turned 22 though, so I guess he feels he needs that freedom more, I dont know.

 

What is the book actually called? thanks

[CMS]

Thanks Endy, I am almost 24 so not that much younger

 

He has just turned 22 though, so I guess he feels he needs that freedom more, I dont know.

 

What is the book actually called? thanks

 

Just to throw in my personal experiences here. When I was 22, I was not looking for a relationship, I was too busy with engineering school, I had many short term girls in my life at that time, but I find ways to get out of the relationship (if it can be call that) before it gets serious, none of my relationships last longer than 4 months.

 

To echo Endy, you have to find your own happiness, create your own world and guys or girls will notice your confidence and your lack of codependency and flock to you. Just live your life and have fun, someone thats right for you might show up to your life when you least expect it.

[endy]

Thanks Endy, I am almost 24 so not that much younger

 

He has just turned 22 though, so I guess he feels he needs that freedom more, I dont know.

 

What is the book actually called? thanks

 

 

The book is actually called The journey from abandonment to healing It's by Susan Anderson. Age really doesn't matter to me. It's where we are at on our path through life. It's what we have learned and what we have put to use. Some 45 year olds are not where I am. Some 22 year old ARE where I am. It's different for everyone hun. With age though, there are different wants and desires. It may just be what he thinks he needs right now.

[TakingtheBlame]

When I left my first boyfriend after 1.5 years, I was 20 and a sophomore in college. He was a great guy, a great boyfriend, and there was nothing wrong with him...but I just felt too young to settle down with the first guy I'd ever been serious with (and I knew he was ready to marry me.) So I had to leave for two major reasons; one, so I could free myself of any obligations to him and lead the life of growth and exploration I wanted to, and two, so he could be free to find a girl who wanted the same things he did and who could love him the way he deserved. Even though the break-up was not his fault by any means, I resented him horribly the last six months we were together; I no longer wanted to kiss him, hold his hand, cuddle with him, I snapped at him for every little thing...frankly, I was torn between the commitment I felt I had made to him and the single care-free life I so desperately wanted to lead back then, and I projected all of my frustrations on him.

 

So yes, it can certainly be THEM and not YOU, especially at such a young age...college is prime time for socializing, developing an identity, and making reckless choices without having to consult anybody. I'm convinced I would not be where I am today, professionally, emotionally, and socially, had I stayed with my first boyfriend and had I been married to him for ten years by now. I know he took our break up personally, and it killed me that he did...but I like to think it's a non issue for him ten years later, and I think we both turned out better because of it.